When Pigs Fly...

long time ago

2010-10-03T08:45:00.003-05:00

From the first lesson I was hooked. Massage made people HAPPY! I have never been in such a more fulfilling career. My curious mind of "why" is this happening gets satisfied. The human body is so amazing in responses. Your muscles "think" and react. Your conscience mind can tell it to do "things" and the body will protect itself from MAJOR damage if it can.
Of course there are limits to what a body can correct.
Like a computer, it can get viruses and act inappropriately for what you wish to do :)

OVER ALL: take time for your health and you will have a happy life. Period. If your body is healthy and relaxed you can do ANYTHING you wish to try or want to learn.

Even children from the age of birth respond to touch. YOUR pet LOVES to be touched as well :)
Yes, My dog gets a massage every night. My grandson loves his turn as well :)

If you find that you want to help others, take a mini class in massage (for your partner/husband/wife) and see how good it feels to give and then receive a simple caring massage. Then try it on your pet or your child :)

AH, there is harmony when we all feel good.

having more fun learning new techniques

2010-04-29T09:50:00.003-05:00

LIGAMENTOUS ARTICULAR STRAIN TECHNIQUES

DEFINITION

A system of balanced ligamentous release techniques in which dysfunctions are disengaged, exaggerated, and balanced until a release occurs. These techniques were described by Dr.’s Howard and Rebecca Lippincott and probably represent the techniques used by Dr. Sutherland to treat the body. Another name for LAS is balanced ligamentous tension. These techniques probably represent some of the first used by A.T. Still and his students.

This is a technique that blends Myofascial Release into Orthopedic balancing.

What is Myofascial Release?

Myofascial Release is a safe and very effective hands-on technique that involves applying gentle sustained pressure into the Myofascial connective tissue restrictions to eliminate pain and restore motion. This essential “time element” has to do with the viscous flow and the piezoelectric phenomenon: a low load (gentle pressure) applied slowly will allow a viscoelastic medium (fascia) to elongate.

Trauma, inflammatory responses, and/or surgical procedures create Myofascial restrictions that can produce tensile pressures of approximately 2,000 pounds per square inch on pain sensitive structures that do not show up in many of the standard tests (x-rays, myelograms, CAT scans, electromyography, etc.)

The use of Myofascial Release allows us to look at each patient as a unique individual. Our one-on-one therapy sessions are hands-on treatments during which our therapists use a multitude of Myofascial Release techniques and movement therapy. We promote independence through education in proper body mechanics and movement, self treatment instruction, enhancement of strength, improved flexibility, and postural and movement awareness.

It is gentle and very effective!
I have experienced some amazing healing with in from having the process demonstrated on my self. I have referred clients to have the process performed and am now learning the technique myself!

It compliments CST (CranioSacral Therapy) and is as gentle.
Make sure your clients understand that there are major changes that will be felt the next day or two afterward.
One of my clients reports no further issue with TMJ after the process... and that was performed 2 months ago and in one session ( not a typical response but worth noting).

Classes are available and I recommend them as a GREAT technique to add to your practice.

http://www.sterlinghealthcenter.com/School/CEU_Schedule.html

Dan Herlihy will be instructing the classes. There are also classes available for medical massage and medical billing. The LMT professional really needs to be aware of the changes that are coming to us in the way of massage and medical massage.

just a hello from me to.....

2010-03-22T09:40:00.002-05:00

all of you in my life and those that soon will be a part of my life :)

Happiness follows where you find laughter.

My heart is filled and overflowing.

Thank you one and all.

Totally LOVE my life!

2010-03-17T11:43:00.002-05:00

Since stopping the need to fix other peoples computer issues.. and doing what makes my heart SING, I have had wonderful days and loads of smiles.
No worries like I had before. I do not get frustrated with people's actions or thoughtless manners.
I am truly happy!
Every day I have one on one contact with people. Meaningful because I can see and feel them relax. Massage therapy is amazing. If you have never had a massage, or if it has been too long since your last massage... try it NOW!
I get them on a regular basis as well.

I am enjoying being self employed.. again :)
I enjoy where I work out of.. either at the Spa or on my out calls to clients homes. It is simply full of joy and heart for me.

Last night I worked on a family of 3 that flew in. I adore these folks! I have seen the mom a few times when her business brings her here... and it has been 2 years since seeing her husband. I got to work on the daughter for the first time since her birth :) Good quality time and they enjoyed the massage work as well :)

So, I guess I really want to point out that I am here.. just enjoying my life to the Nth Degree. I am not always on line and tied to an electronic leash. I am LIVING and LOVING it!

there is more than just this

2010-03-05T14:45:00.002-06:00

I dropped myspace.
I have a facebook (henceforth called FB) and I have this blog. There are people that cannot access FB or will not.

I am wonderfully well and excited.
I finally completed my license requirements. I am a licensed massage therapist. I no longer work at being a Technical Support drone and am self employed.
Don't get me wrong, I love computer work. I no longer have teh drive to keep up with it adn all the changes.

I like, and really enjoy, people more.
Life at times is so consumed with learning.... it is nice to get to assist in others relaxation and healing now.
Hopefully I can get my life back in order as the last job really hurt my finances. horribly.
It did allow me time for school though.
I will be writing more.. but wanted to touch base a little with me other worldly friends.

I personally like this forum much more than FB.

To write Love on her arms Day

2009-11-12T22:24:00.005-06:00

****!!!***BEFORE YOU IGNORE THIS EVENT OR CLICK NOT ATTENDING, PLEASE READ ON...
***to all of those who keep posting "what is this?" first read on...

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

*****To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recover. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement ♥

****** upload pictures of love written on your arms on November 13th!

"what will this achieve?". It will achieve the goal of people knowing that there are other people out there with the same problem, and/or people who are supporting them with love.

become a fan!

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=180283055427#/pages/TWLOHA-To-Write-Love-On-Her-Arms/207297905122?ref=ts

Join this group!
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=36235764583

there were over 500,000 people who attended to write love on her arms day last year, lets aim for over 1 million people

if you care, place a heart ♥ in your comments!
also invite all your friends!

I would, I have, I will

2009-11-11T12:07:00.003-06:00

I would never trade my amazing
friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a
flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less
critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for
eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that
silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my
patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear
friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great
freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I
choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and
if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim
suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves
with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet
set.

They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes
forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And
I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart
has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved
one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets
hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and
understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and
sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect...

I am so blessed to have lived
long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful
laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and
so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier
to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't
question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to
be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I
like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I
am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I
will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about
what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like
it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

Thank you, Linda, for sending this to me.
Lots of love to you and yours.

in actuality....

2009-11-06T16:54:00.003-06:00

I have come a long way from being a complete idiot. Trust me in this statement.

Actually, I know I have a long way to go.

I do not like getting protective of my friends. They are grown up after all. (well... SOME of them are LOL)
I still have this need to try and make people aware of choices.
I think I will just shut up and let them live what they choose.

Sometimes, I get really tired of always being in my head. It is what keeps me on edge of sleep. It keeps me in a solitary state of being and occasionally I peek out at others.
It seems I am always learning SOMETHING.... and I may remember it or choose to forget it. One way or the other I have used the knowledge in my head.

My kids just called and they have the key to the house in their hands :)
VERY excited they are. Zephyr is coming up to stay a week with Toni and Steve. I will not get to see my little love as I am at work and school while he is here.

3 more weeks and I am done. .. with classes for now. I have to figure out how to pay for the rest of my school so I can then pay to take my tests. Then take my test.. ..
a little frustrated. I can work it out.

Turning 50 was rather peaceful. I had a wonderful massage, wore a new dress, grocery shopped, and took my final in A&P. Passed the test and then a few of my classmates and my Friend Linda met me for light dinner and a drink at Uncle Julio's. I received the most beautiful and heartwarming card from my Momma.

Some events will always stay in my mind.

I am missing my son. Not sure why so deeply right now but I do. I am very proud of him. Very. He has shown great independence and movement forward in his choice. He may not see events as that now, later he will.

I am fine on my own these days. Emotionally peaceful. Still learning of my attitude though.

In actuality there may be struggles, but peace at heart is where I am at.

Volkswagen BlueMotion: Stairs 鋼琴階梯

2009-11-05T21:46:00.001-06:00

LOVE it! Let's ALL play!

Jesus Jones - Right Here Right Now

2009-11-04T07:45:00.001-06:00

ah yesssss

visiting family

2009-10-19T16:38:00.002-05:00

LOL
Yep! Noisy.
LOADS of laughter and little ones running around. Got to see and do a massage on my cousin Janita while I was there.
I like Jacque's little Kia Soul. Kinda envious of it in a way.
:)
Both Sisters made hamburgers and I was VERY full when I went home. Jambalaya had a BLAST playing with all the doggies. He was so tired when we went home he slept in the car. Ate his dinner. Then went to sleep for the rest of the night.

Gotta love the kid

it's ALL good

2009-10-18T07:54:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was my middle sister's, Annavee, birthday.
Today is my baby sister's, Jacqueline, birthday.
Tuesday is my birthday.

Like we have done in the past.. we are celebrating our birthdays together. Today. Family and friends will gather.
I have invites only 2 people. My ex-husband, Steve, and his wife, Toni.
Yes.. I do enjoy their company. ESPECIALLY since we all share a common concern. Our children and grandson. Toni actually has 2 other grandchildren and I like seeing pictures of them too.
I don't have many CLOSE CLOSE CLOSE friends that I can invite. I would like to and part of my writing today deals with this.
It is ALL good. I know the friendship of people is a delicate thing. I enjoy so many in my life but there is the thing to recognize that everyone has a schedule. Maybe later today I will make it down to Lee Harvey's for the Puppy Prom and get to take Jambalaya :)
THAT would be awesome! (It's a burner thing you see) It is actually an event that is being put on to seek assistance for animals that need medical attention and no one can afford it or they are at the SPCA. It would be nice to be out with other people and my dog gets to attend. Actually he has learned he can scare people when he barks at them. :(
He is really a sweet heart but turning 2 he is becoming slightly protective/and is scared about it/ when meeting new beings. He loves to play. Trouble (my grand-dog) loves to play with Jambalaya!
I really enjoy taking him places with me. He loves kids. Especially Zephyr. :) Zephyr and him play chase, tag, roll around, and sometimes Jambalaya acts like a horse for Zephyr. That won't last for long as Zephyr is a tall 2 & 3/4 year old now. Jambalaya hears a child's voice or laughter and he looks for the child. Anxious to see if it is Z.

I love my family and miss seeing them. As soon as I get the school thing done and license in hand, I want to take a trip to FL to visit my son. I miss him dearly and I am SO very proud of him. He is attending college in FL and getting his degree in Network Engineering.
There is also the friends I have made in the DFW Burner community that always make me smile when I see them or read about their activities. They LOVE to go camping. This is something I have loved from childhood. Daddy would load us up and off we would go. Of course we usually got there late and set up camp by car lights :)
Now I can set up my gear without light or help but have never been lacking in assitance when I camp with burners. Sure, I do go off by myself sometimes. Need that occasionally. I like camping out with lots of people though.

So... today, I am going over to my sister's home. Annavee and Jacque live next door to each other which is convienent :) and we will all go to Jacque's house. My niece, her faince and his sone, My Momma and StepDad... and several of my sisters friends, and my cousin Janita will be there :) I do miss Pooka. (horable nickname isn't it? LOL) Steve and Toni ( I hope ) will come too. Momma and my sisters miss them also. It has been a long row to get to a level of comfort with Steve and myself. I am SO glad it has though. I never meant for our marriage to end with anger or hurts. I love getting to hear from the kids that "Dad...." and all. It makes me so happy that my kids can have a great relationship with all of us. It's important to me.

I can still see how beautiful Amanda looked as Steve gave her away at her wedding. I do wish that my parents had been in a dpot that my Momma had been able to feel comfortable enough to come to the wedding even though my Dad was there, too. I understand. I am so happy that Steve grew past his issues with me though and showed calmness. My Dad however doesn't make it easy at all after his divorce from my Mother.

That makes me sad at times. I know it is a different generation. I know it is different people.

Okay.. So now I am waiting for 8:30 am to call Jacque to sing to her for her birthday. I do this every year with my family on their days... except I usually call at midnight to be "first". LOL
Jacque turns her phone off until she wakes up :)
Smart woman.

Yesterday.. I worded at the Spa in the school. Had a great busy day. I always get compliments from the clients. Mine (for several years) that have been kind enough to assit in the internship and patience in waiting for me to complete my schoolong before I work again. I thing getting a massage from me for $35 is a great incentive as my normal prices do return upon licensure. :) All Good.
One lady yesterday damn near had me blushing :) She was very pleased at her massage and the pressure. I enjoy what I do. Have for over 32 years. I am really looking forward to never being a technician again. I will play with my computers when I want to. I will not be "fixing mistakes" for others.
Healing is so very different at heart. The massage not only relaxes a body but it helps the body to heal. I get to feeling very energized after each one.
I feel right and positive every time I do a massage. It is ALL good for me.

I know I wanted to write. I started my chimenea though and the smell is calling outside this morning :) I do wish my kids could be here for the party. It would make my year. I look forward to eventually being in Austin, though. I like that area. Maybe I will stay with amanda and Jordan in the new home they are buying (only for a SHORT while though). I will need a little time to locate where I want to live. I have become to independant to live with someone for long though.
I look forward to a trip to FL. I have never been there and it will be fun to see Jas and his pet, Iszume (a ferret that I am sure I am mis-spelling her name on), along with seeing his world there. I want to be able to afford more time to see him or help when I can.

I miss my friend, Robin. She goes aroung and about with me often. Joe is such a wonderful friend too. He has great patience and great advice for me. Next Friday we are going out for my after birthday dinner :) I wonder where we are going this year? I am uber excited about it :)
I do not get to see Linda as often with my school and her teaching... even though we live in the same complex... times are on opposites when we walk the dogs now.
She is doing well and I am happy for her teaching again. I miss some of the folks I once new. I look forward to meeting the ones I don't know yet, too.

50... hmm. Not bad at all. :)
I am sure I will be writing more. I like to reminisce at times.

Myschievia

2009-10-11T14:35:00.003-05:00

gathering in the woods from miles around. raining gently and cold.

MUD... the whole dang road is mud. Red Texas clay mud.... the time you think you have the vehicle in control....OH no.. sliding towards that tree... missed it!
Leaving the playa field was no easy task either... but I listened well to instructions and was able to make it out. 1 Stop only near the gate.... it is a HUGE mud hole and the tractor is feverishly trying to lay gravel for traction.

Guys if you can read this stay to the RIGHT as you leave! DO go through the little grove of trees on the green island or you will not make it out.

I miss my truck but honestly feel that because I had a little car, I fared better in my departure than most will be doing. It will be a hard thing for most to get the trucks out that are stuck in mud up to the axle.

For those that are not burners... you will think what a crazy thing to do. Burners will grin and say "best burn EVER!" an smile and laugh playing in the mud. It was cold. not freezing.. but cold. Costuming was more towards the warm style this time. LOTS of fleece. Camp Lickitty Split... normally called Lick N Suck.... was kinda small this year. Flash, SA, KB, myself , my friend Robin, Matt and Susan..... the "big ass" smoker with a "Use Me" sign on it.
Lick N Suck is known for feeding hundreds of people some of the MOST wonderful, delicious, tenderest briskets in Texas. (Yes SA.. you CAN cook!) This is a much smaller version this year.. hence Licketty Split.
Kitty Kat Kamp was next to my tent and SA's truck. Odd hearing people at all hours meow-ing around.
30 of them doing that at once is rather intense and giggly :)

Robin even went with Lurko to flatten things. LOL

I wore costuming that were warm. Robin and I had stopped at a Goodwill and found cute costuming in the form of a white Vera Wang robe for Robin. I found a yellow robe with green frogs on it! Looks great with a rainbow cowboy hat, yellow skirt and a velvet long sleeved top :)
Oh yeah the top is also Rainbow coloured :) Psychedelic frog woman :)
We camped at the field for the burn. Kinda soggy. Yes my little ford focus did get stuck: Thank goodness for Lurko and Eric and a couple more guys that hauled my car out and placed me into a stable area of grass. Load up a wheel barrow for 5 trips to move the gear from the car to "home".
Set up and eating dinner in 2 hours. It was a tad of a challenge since the mud kinda hid some weird footings :) Hugged the guys for the assistance... damn.. oh well... muddy from head to foot already :)
hehehe No freezing showers for me this year tho :)
Baby Wipes are kick if you warm them in hot water in a bag :) I hope to remember that next year :)

Wandering around and saying hello to peeps I have not seen in 2 years. Wonderful laughter, hugs, jumps joy and screams of "OH my God you MADE it! Where have you been? How's your grandson and kids? What's new besides overwork and school?"
Burners are the strangest and most endearing hearts I have ever known. There are kids
(because I am 2 times their ages) helping me out with setting up the tent and hauling stuff... then we find someone else that just arrives and help them out... and on and on and on...
Friday night is getting ready for tomorrow. Saturday Night is the effigy burn :)

It was the most beautiful effigy I have seen yet at Myschievia. Stunningly beautiful.

It was a wooden HUGE flower pot.. FILLED with flowers of this world and other worlds. Music is now playing across the playa field as the "space ship" is built for our DJ's.
Flipsides "Freak" was rebuilt and will burn tonight. I would have loved to have stayed another night to see it and be with like minded folks....
No.... I did not take pictures this time. Raining. It is hard to take pictures and get everyone's permission to have the pictures taken. It would not have done the burn justice either.
The glow poi procession was stunning.
The fire poi was totally HOT! Several ways :) Such grace the spinners have with this.... gently misting rain failing as the fire is twirled and flung and danced across bodies, poi, staffs and hoops.
Great food... laughter, talking, hugs, yelling and more laughter.
The effigy burned well and clean... all the way to the afternoon that Robin and I were leaving.

I have missed you all and it was GOOD to arrive home again at Myschievia.

hehehe...Kinda hard to imagine that I could be heard across the playa .. banshee yell wailing out at the spinners... people trying to find me from the sounds. A few could weave through the crowd enough to locate me.. and again I was surrounded with great big hugs and laughter... always laughter.

Marty... I missed you being at Myschievia with me. MH would not know what to do but I bet it would be a blast to see her at the burn :)
It was wonderful to be able to be seen, heard laughing, and hugged until I was warmed.
Robin thanks for going with me on the adventure. You will be a fine burner.
To young Rob... THANKS for fixing my neck. It feels much better. I am looking forward to meeting up for coffee... or I will just walk into WFM and gain a hug and a rub real quick very soon:)
You can still get your license :) you are good!

Regina.. I am so sad to not see your Mom but I am well pleased that the decision was to have the kid stayed home. That goes for you too, Danielle! It would not have been good for the kiddo's this time. I did get a hug from SubZero (Is that the burner name?) and he took a picture of Robin and I sitting on SA. Let me know what you think of SA's picture :)

I have missed the time to simply be without question. No one expecting me to act a particular way.. or that my clothes looked weird... or that I laughed loud a lot :)
When Z is older... maybe he will want to go and see one day :)

It was not a huge crowd... but we are all family while there. Looking out for each other and noticing when there are difficulties. We all help.

Hey Lurko.... did you get that pig?

All the Single Babies!!

2009-09-25T07:17:00.001-05:00

Kudo's to the parents! Keep on dancing little one!

Glee - Single Ladies (Football Team Dance) 09/23/09

2009-09-24T08:54:00.001-05:00

LOL great humor. =D

Tank

2009-09-03T23:12:00.000-05:00

They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie as I looked at him lying in his pen. the shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.
But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes, and a sealed letter from his previous owner. See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

For some reason, his stuff (except for the tennis balls - he wouldn't go anywhere without two stuffed in his mouth) got tossed in with all of my other unpacked boxes. I guess I didn't really think he'd need all his old stuff, that I'd get him new things once he settled in. but it became pretty clear pretty soon that he wasn't going to.

I tried the normal commands the shelter told me he knew, ones like "sit" and "stay" and "come" and "heel," and he'd follow them - when he felt like it. He never really seemed to listen when I called his name - sure, he'd look in my direction after the fourth of fifth time I said it, but then he'd just go back to doing whatever. When I'd ask again, you could almost see him sigh and then grudgingly obey.

This just wasn't going to work. He chewed a couple shoes and some unpacked boxes. I was a little too stern with him and he resented it, I could tell. The friction got so bad that I couldn't wait for the two weeks to be up, and when it was, I was in full-on search mode for my cellphone amid all of my unpacked stuff. I remembered leaving it on the stack of boxes for the guest room, but I also mumbled, rather cynically, that the "dog probably hid it on me."

Finally I found it, but before I could punch up the shelter's number, I also found his pad and other toys from the shelter.. I tossed the pad in Reggie's direction and he snuffed it and wagged, some of the most enthusiasm I'd seen since bringing him home. But then I called, "Hey, Reggie, you like that? Come here and I'll give you a treat." Instead, he sort of glanced in my direction - maybe "glared" is more accurate - and then gave a discontented sigh and flopped down. With his back to me.

Well, that's not going to do it either, I thought. And I punched the shelter phone number.

But I hung up when I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that, too. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has any advice.".........

To Whoever Gets My Dog: Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it. If you're reading this, it means I just got back from my last car ride with my Lab after dropping him off at the shelter. He knew something was different. I have packed up his pad and toys before and set them by the back door before a trip, but this time... it's like he knew something was wrong. And something is wrong... which is why I have to go to try to make it right.
So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

First, he loves tennis balls. the more the merrier. Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hordes them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it yet. Doesn't matter where you throw them, he'll bound after it, so be careful - really don't do it by any roads. I made that mistake once, and it almost cost him dearly.

Next, commands. Maybe the shelter staff already told you, but I'll go over them again: Reggie knows the obvious ones - "sit," "stay," "come," "heel." He knows hand signals: "back" to turn around and go back when you put your hand straight up; and "over" if you put your hand out right or left. "Shake" for shaking water off, and "paw" for a high-five. He does "down" when he feels like lying down - I bet you could work on that with him some more. He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.

I trained Reggie with small food treats. Nothing opens his ears like little pieces of hot dog.

Feeding schedule: twice a day, once about seven in the morning, and again at six in the evening. Regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

He's up on his shots. Call the clinic on 9th Street and update his info with yours; they'll make sure to send you reminders for when he's due. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car - I don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.

Finally, give him some time. I've never been married, so it's only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

Which means that this transition is going to be hard, with him going to live with someone new.

And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you....

His name's not Reggie.

I don't know what made me do it, but when I dropped him off at the shelter, I told them his name was Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. but I just couldn't bear to give them his real name. For me to do that, it seemed so final, that handing him over to the shelter was as good as me admitting that I'd never see him again. And if I end up coming back, getting him, and tearing up this letter, it means everything's fine. But if someone else is reading it, well... well it means that his new owner should know his real name. It'll help you bond with him. Who knows, maybe you'll even notice a change in his demeanor if he's been giving you problems.

His real name is Tank.

Because that is what I drive.

Again, if you're reading this and you're from the area, maybe my name has been on the news. I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. See, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank with... and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq , that they make one phone call the the shelter... in the "event"... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my colonel is a dog guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his word.

Well, this letter is getting to downright depressing, even though, frankly, I'm just writing it for my dog. I couldn't imagine if I was writing it for a wife and kids and family. but still, Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family.
And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.
That unconditional love from a dog is what I took with me to Iraq as an inspiration to do something selfless, to protect innocent people from those who would do terrible things... and to keep those terrible people from coming over here. If I had to give up Tank in order to do it, I am glad to have done so. He was my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.
All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. I don't think I'll say another good-bye to Tank, though. I cried too much the first time. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.
Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night - from me.

Thank you, Paul Mallory
_____________________________________

I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.

I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.

"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.

The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

"C'mere boy."

He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't heard in months.

"Tank," I whispered.

His tail swished.

I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him.
"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek. "So whatdaya say we play some ball? His ears perked again. "Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?" Tank tore from my hands and disappeared in the next room.

And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.

I'm mad as hell...... and I won't take it anymore!

2009-07-02T17:20:00.002-05:00

it simply amazes me.
I know I have a temper when I am totally frustrated. It gets me nowhere... literally.

3 or 4 weeks ago I held an adorable little boy named Lane. He will become my step grand nephew next year when Chandra marries Joel. (now THAT is exciting news!)
Lane had some stuff on his clothes that no one knew about.

Poison Ivy oil

me who is TOTALLY reactive to it ended up with a serious case of infection from the stuff on my left arm.
Good thing it was the left so I can write and do other stuff right handed.

The poison ivy is now gone
and

I ended up with an infection in the lymph nodes around my left ear and my neck. It hurts to talk, eat, smile, laugh, turn my head, sleep.... anything.
Yeah, I know..... stop picking up children you say! BAH
Look at what the metaphysical association means... Yeah I tell people this often and it is pissing me off at the moment.

I have missed 2 classes and 2 tests due to the "stuff" as I realized I cannot drive. I almost ran over a person on a bike. I hate pain medications and my ear has me so off balance that Jamba is having the time of his life dragging me out on the sidewalk and grass.
I thought I could walk upright.
I cannot focus long enough to even read or talk on a phone.. or type. This is the fourth attempt at writing my frustrations out.

I have missed work and do not have the time in PTO to use... so it goes unpaid. UNless my boss allows me to work an hour early each day adn work through lunch to work the time bank into a positive balance again.

I want to see my grandson, my children, my momma and my sisters... I cannot drive.
So I arranged some time to do readings and try to catch up in advance on homework.

I feel like it is gonna kill me.
I sleep for 2 hours at a time and wait for anger to subside. I dislike intensely not being able or physically available to "do things on my own".

Yep folks... I am PISSY.

I do not like this aspect of my personality.
It is only aimed at me though. I do not aim it outwards at all.

Funny thing is... with my ear hurting so much.. I talk a little funny. There was a man at my office who today asked me if I was from Australia. He said I sound a lot like the people his daughter stays with in Austraila. odd. Not moving my jaw gives me an accent.
LOL
at least I can smile on the inside....

life frustrations bring clearer understanding????

2009-06-08T12:46:00.002-05:00

Amazingly... trying to make major changes and the determination to succeed is hampered by equipment failure!

I wonder how long my patience is gonna last with trials.

My dad and step-mom came to visit for a brief time. They gave me $100 to help with a battery.
I choose to buy food since I had not been able to buy food for 3 weeks. I woke up this morning and the truck won;t start.
looks like the battery bit the dust or maybe threw up on my truck innerds. Some acid is across teh radiator.
The Alternator has gone out. The water pump needs replacement too.
BUT because I bought food instead of a battery I now will be walking or riding my bike. Which is not all that bad of a thing.
Except I still have to make the truck payments...

I don;t really understand WHY all is going south at this time.

I am frustrated as hell.

I will be riding the bike to work and home and to class. I have not figured out how in the hell I will be able to carry my gear bag on it though for class. Every night I have to bring in equip to do class massages and books for class. That is about 40 lbs of gear.
I think I can do it so I have to try.
It will be the timing I worry about. I cannot afford to be late. I can't afford the make up classes or have low grades.

Please... someone just tell me it will be okay????

I hate crying

too long a time...and too short in memory

2009-05-31T12:54:00.002-05:00

wow...almost the whole month and nothing written? Well except for my thrilling time with My Wonder-boy grandson Zephyr's visit.

My bestest friend Marty and his amazing wife MyeoungHee were here to visit, too. I got to meet the twin granddaughters of said bestest friend, and see his family again. Missed some of the people (then again a man with 6 other siblings...hard to notice you missed SOMEONE at times :)

My son, Jason is amazingly entertaining! I adore him and always have. He is doing well in school and I refuse to worry!
My daughter and her family are doing well.
My niece is engaged! Yep! She is well also.

Get this... my DADDY made a Facebook account! My Step Dad closed his...guess I should have not inundated him with the little "games".
Momma still refuses to use anything dealing with a computer :)

I am so glad to have gotten to see Marty and meet MyeoungHee. I miss my bestest friend deeply. One of the EASIEST relationships I have. Literally NO JUDGMENTS....just patience and understanding in how we grow up.

I am finally getting better after a serious issue with bronchitis. I guess I should have admitted to my boss that I was to be confined for 3 days minimum when I went to the doctor. Damn ego I have. "I can do it!" will eventually kick my tail end if I do not listen to the PAID FOR ADVICE next time. LOL Ah heck...aren't I still invincible?

So my last 3 days have been sleeping and numbly taking medications. I sort of remember that to change the channel on TV became hard to do and I slept through some odd programs which incited several odd dreams.

I got to talk to Z on the webcam last night! He had a rough day with attitudes of a 2 year old and was kinda not looking forward to bed ;) imagine that. LOL

I have been attending School to get the massage license in order. It is kinda difficult at times to deal with work all day then school for 4 hours each night. Weekends are for homework that I did not get finished with during the week. I can't stay up till 2 anymore and make it to work and make it to school. Thank goodness Linda watches my dog while I go to school so he isn't in a kennel all the time.
I did get a different job before the previous company I was working for moved to Boston, MA. It is REALLY close to home... thank goodness. My truck is really needing repairs and there is no way I can afford it. Bike is gonna be handy very soon. I wish I could ride it today to test my timing to the job and then to home and then to school at night. Both are very close to home.

It is interesting to note that even though I do not make what I used to make I can make ends meet...barely. But I can.

I am very grateful for what I have and for what I do not have. Very grateful.

There are a few more of my old acquaintances that I have started talking to again by email or IM chats.
I think I am catching up to life a little. Almost 1 year in retrospect has done me well.

I have decided that once I have my license in order again I am going to move to Austin. HOPEFUL that I can convince Jason to move home to TX after he graduates college, too!
Yes, I am selfish :) I accept I love my children and want them around me.... The only desire to go to FL is in order to see my son.
I don't want to be swallowed into Amanda and Jordan's life, either. Austin I have always adored. I wish I had not been so hung up on other things and had taken my chances with Leslie when that avenue was available.

God how I do miss him.
Sad to realize how afraid I was to allow someone to be in my life because they loved me and I loved them.
You are ALWAYS deserving of love. Everyone is.

So now I am stuck in an apartment looking at beautiful skies and I cannot go outside just yet.
I have to study and that is good. I want to play and I can't just yet.
Hopefully, after this coming week, I can ride my bike back and forth and time test. Then I can park the truck and not worry about being late to work or school. I will worry about fixing the truck later on.

Eventually, I will have another 3 old bills paid off and then be debt free. I look forward to it actually.

I guess I am still lacking O2 in my body as I feel the strong need of a nap. I did manage to walk Jambalaya today around the complex 1 time without having to rest. It has really SUCKED this week. Thank goodness for Linda. She took him on a long walk yesterday afternoon.

Maybe I am just needing to sleep a little more period. At least I can breath without wheezing myself into wakefulness.
Oh, and Jacque..... THANK YOU for the humidifier as it was a great help! JUST what the doctor told me to get.

okay. Nappage sounds yummy now.
later!

Vacation Time!

2009-05-08T15:27:00.004-05:00

I am SO excited to be on my way to a fabulous vacation time for a whole week. This includes time with Zephyr (my littlest love of my life) and time with My very bestest friend Marty. I get to meet his wife, MyeoungHee, and I think it will be a fantastic time!
I get to be at Tt's graduation party too! (Tt is Marty's youngest daughter who is graduating from College!) I will also HOPEFULLY get to meet the twins Jilly and Jenna (o m goodness they are SO cute!) and introduce Zephyr to them too!

I plan on takling Zephyr rock climbing and a train ride. Films to follow for sure!
Hopefully I can take Marty and MyeoungHee to a bar named "The Lift" (in Uptown). A gentleman that I knew from Childhood is the manager/owner there. Been many years since I have seen Tim. LOL He said he had run into my Daddy off and on over the last 20 years. How funny that Daddy never mentioned it. :) Ah well, Tim has not seen me since I was 9 I think.... LONG time ago. Is okay... bet I can out run him now :)

So for a week if you need to talk to me... you had better call.
No computer will be on!

WOOT TOOT TADAH!!!

NEXT year plan: South Korea for me! Maybe even Punta Cana...

Witch's Rune

2009-05-03T11:00:00.001-05:00

awesomely wonderful and peaceful feeling to me.

no matter where

2009-04-21T12:34:00.002-05:00

I seem to always find myself. Sometimes lost and unsure of the next step. I have discovered that if I close my eyes, breathe deeply, relax, and let my desire to control events subside... all is calm and happy inside.

Most the time this works. But I tell you what....drivers that are aggressive with a vehicle I would LOVE to shoot out a tire on. Yes. I almost got run over in a PARKING garage this morning.

So with that said....
I love being in school learning something I want to learn.
It feels right. I am working on getting totally out of the Technology side of life. It is so not emotionally fulfilling.

Having my massage license in order is paramount to my moving towards Austin. Yep...I can't stand it. I want to be near my grandson and hopefully near another grandchild that may come to be in the future. I want to go to more outdoor rock climbing locations. I love Austin.

I have had enough wiht the hurts of Dallas and look forward to having time to play occasionally...sometime in my life. I have a very select few wonderful friends...REAL friends in Dallas. Already know they would not mind coming to Austin on their travels.
There are a lot of thinking and planning going on here right now.

Main goal": Finish school.
secondary goal : Move

I still will have a time however if Jason finds a lady to love in Florida and starts his family (if they do want kids) there. I can travel faster from Austin to FL than I can from DFW to FL...what is up with that?

otherwise.....

I have rearranged my bedroom adn my living room. I like it. I have dejunked a lot of things and there still seems to be more to dump.

ALL of my 'burn costumes" will be given away or trashed this weekend.
I have had enough of people that are to into partying and not real about the life they choose to live within. When I first started attending burns the atmosphere was very different. I don't mind drinking some...but gosh the IDIOTS that walk around so drunk that they cannot do anything but be an ass... they need to go away.

Had a man on the street the other day ( I was walking Jamba) damn near walk into me... he was walking with eyes closed adn reeked of alcohol.
Idiot.

Then a woman attending one of my classes...at lunch (7 pm at night) went and had drinks. This was 30 minute lunch. She then kept leaning into my arm during class.
BOUNDRY ISSUES. Tonight if she shows up she will be informed I have boundries and prefer she sit behind me not next to me.
Stupid Idiot.

I find that the older I get the less patient I am with outsiders. BM is not even the event it used to be aimed for. I only went to 1 BM in the Reno Desert...it was enough. The concepts and inspiration of having people join in and get along is now needing police and dogs at it. TOO many people that look at the week end or week long party.
I sound pissy and I get the impression I am not done with it.

there is little I find of interest lately except for school, my dog, my family. Yes some friends are family.

No matter where I end up in my demeanor... I know it will be good and right for me.

Yeah I miss loving someone and sharing my life with them..in hopes of a long future.
So far the people I have been involved with were a waste of effort to include in my life.

they do not care unless they can use you for something...anything

So sad to realize the need to isolate oneself is because I chose to change and do right for my health. Sad to know these people will die being an idiot.

wish I could sometimes wipe it from my memory.

okay.... so I am a tad bit scared.

2009-04-14T10:00:00.002-05:00

School starts...there is so little time for me to do all that I have procrastinated to do.

GAWD I wonder where my head is at sometimes.
I admit..for some reason going to school for ANY reason scares me. It is a belief that I will be shown that I do not know what I am talking about... that I am possibly stupid or uncaring or .... whatever.

Not really sure why I doubt that my skills are "less than" since I have actually done massage for 30 years (give or take a couple of years).

I want and need my license for massage therapy to be in great order. I want out of tech work (computers). I finally decided the direction I wanted to take in massage, too. I want to do medical therapy for cancer patients.

Mostly because of Leslie Bavousett. I am one who loves to know you feel better because I have worked with you/on you for healing.

I KNOW I am good at it too
Now I have to (once again) PROVE it to the rest of the world.
This can really frustrate me at time.
Proving myself over and over again.

I am bitchy today and frustrated and scared. My friend, Robin, will not let me run away either!
LOL
as if my bike cannot take me anywhere.... just watch me ride away!
LOL
all in good fun and trying not to worry.

I don't want to give up on this because it is really FOR ME.
no one else.
I can choose to be who or whatever I want to be...but do I have the tenacity to always
strive to learn it the right way????

I know I have intelligence and a very caring heart. WHY do I not believe in me?

okay... here it goes:

grrrrr

that was my Chihuahua moment in time.

lessons learned

2009-04-13T17:39:00.002-05:00

Dan Folgerberg had a song titled that.....

Lessons Learned Lyrics

Lessons Learned

You
With the past at your back
And the future unsure
Asked
For the chance to try
Love once more.

Well aware of the consequences
Should the dream fall through
You threw down you last defenses
Wanting to try something new
Wanting to try something new.

You found me
In a sea of confusion
Drifting with the tide
Living
On love that had long since died.

But everytime that I touch you, baby
I feel a little more alive
And I`m reminded how much you`ve
made me
Believe in the love that survives
Believe in the love that survives.

Lessons learned are like
Bridges burned
You only need to cross them but once
Is the knowledge gained
Worth the price of the pain?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?

Borne
On the first warms winds of
Feelings newly found
Fly
But remember
Don`t look down
Take as much as you think you ought to
Give just as much as you can
Don`t forget what your failures have taught you
Or else you`ll learn them all over again
Or else you`ll have to learn them
All over again.

Lessons learned are like
Bridges burned
You only need to cross them but once
Is the knowledge gained
Worth the price of the pain?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?



Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?

Hmmmm.. have I learned yet?
I don't think so as I search for no one.
I am content at just being me alone. I do what I wish when I get the feeling to. I have no other to consider. I did not ask to try to love someone else again. It left me lonely, sad, non trusting again, and angry that there are people that see someone willing to try and they step all over you.

Maybe ONE of these years.

maybe not....

weather 013

2009-03-26T10:06:00.001-05:00

Amanda and Jordan had hail in austin last night!

school days school days

2009-03-23T16:49:00.002-05:00

Life is gonna get really timed up soon.
literally
Work is from 8 am-5 pm Monday through Friday.
Class starts at 6 pm and ends at 10 PM Monday through Friday.
homework is somewhere around those and on call phone for work and sleeping and Jambalaya time.

See what I mean?

No more Text messages on my cell. I discontinued it.

boundaries

2009-03-16T16:26:00.003-05:00

even something as courteous as a "please" makes a huge difference with me. I smile and say hello with a smile to almost everyone I see. The ones I miss are because I am actively searching for something.
I also find that it is increasingly difficult to even have the time available to do what I need to do, then attempt to do something I want.

Not impatience, my dearest Marty, but actual time constraints.

I know animals take up lots of time. They are child like responsibilities. I also have the responsibility to myself to doing things that are healthy. I have responsibilities of school and paying for it along with wonderful gifts of friends and family support for my efforts.

I don't go out any more. I mean in doing events with acquaintances or dating someone. These are almost beginning to feel like intrusions. I know it sounds weird but it is only the 'feeling' in my body that I am dealing with right now.

I do not assume someone is going to be there (to help in listening to woes , doing things with me or telling me when I am being an ass) but it is nice to be able to ask if someone is willing to take time for me.

THAT is what my rant about time was for.
I am getting to the point that if you don't really want to engage your time or mental thoughts with me..... don't bother searching for me later.

I find the 4 walls I have here rather boring. I enjoy the mind and processing how I can improve on my reactions to emotional reactions is helpful but still rather just "alone". I have been seeing a lot more people of late. The ones that even if I don't talk to them for a while (2-3 months>) all of the sudden contact me....as long as I am not feeling pressured by them for an account of what is happening... I see to do great with!

I am only on a rant and wondering why the heck I am withdrawing so strongly.
I know I have changed a lot mentally and emotionally, recent events had a lot to do with it, but it is time to locate friends to go and do things with.

Do not look for me to sacrifice my time anymore.

I am important to me.

pajama day

2009-03-15T14:54:00.000-05:00

enough said.

things that make me go "Hmmmm...."

2009-03-10T17:57:00.002-05:00

Some days, you can't help but wonder.

I notice I react oddly to being controlled. Sometimes even thinking I am being maneuvered into a situation I do not want to be in can cause excessive anger.

What is up with that? When did I stop giving the benefit of a doubt? I used to 'allow' emotions to wash on by. Not now. I seem to be unable to stop getting angry. I feel used... not sure where the hell it comes from but MAN it makes me pissy. Dreams are even turmoil-ish and I flip over a lot in bed. Can't stand covers on me cause the covers seem to feel like I am held down in my sleep.
Poor Jambalaya won't even pop up onto the bed with me anymore.

So dreams are the subconsciousness working things out. I felt 'tested' all night.
My neck hurts. Stubbornness? What am I being stubborn about?

I want a good nights sleep.

going back and forth

2009-03-04T16:34:00.002-06:00

I truly LOVE Austin.
I don't even mind the drive down all alone ....most the time.
Jambalaya always goes with me so it makes it nice... he makes me stop at least once to get out and stretch his legs...pee...bark...and then get on the road. He knows the name of Zephyr and Trouble which excites him unbelievably!

It has been awesome riding down with Toni and Steve but that means I can't take Jambalaya because when we do THAT trip...Zephyr comes back with us and there is no room in my big ol' truck for 4 and a dog.
Besides... I think Jamba drollong everywhere kinda makes Toni uncomfortable. I don't blame her a bit!

Last trip to Austin was this past weekend. Checking in on my daughter and the recent miscarriage (subtle checking don't ya know). I took the massage table with me since the kids have not had a massage since they moved to Austin over a year ago.
:) They liked the massages :)

We went out to eat on Sunday to Joe's Crab Shack. Z got to tast some shrimp and scallops, fries and a little fried fish.
He had some of Amanda's garlic and parmesan cheese shrimp..... and I think he tasted some of Jordan's food too! Not remembering what Jordan had at all at this time :) Oh well!
So this means: upset tummy for Z.
Sad to say the little one also had an issue with diaper rash because of the upset tummy.....
Poor Jordan.

Amanda tells me he has washed EVERYTHING in the house a few times now.... Zephyr is (I guess) is now potty training ;)

poor Jordan......
and Poor Zephyr!

no time like the present

2009-02-04T08:10:00.002-06:00

no time...I like the present
no .... time is like a present
present? I have time?

how many other ways can you look at your life and determine it is a gift?
what would you be like if you were somehow "different" than expected?

Self Value

there is nothing that can be done of the past. It is the vehicle we ride to get where we are and sometimes where we want to be.
it takes courage and determination to face ones own self. it takes courage and determination to face ones limitations, too.

There is such a thing as "time is not enough". That part is usually created by a deeper need of reliance and accountability, I think.

I'm waiting and wondering when I will have time to play again. To climb again. To ride again. To dance like no body cares or is watching what I do.

kinda a good bad week

2009-01-26T07:02:00.002-06:00

learning and frustrations\thinking ya got it down / good deal gone wrong?

all things are possible as long as I hang onto my belief that people really can care about each other without guilt in it all.

right now the writing makes no sense.
right now i find my self amazingly ANGRY at the presumptions that a personality MAKES BEFORE thinking about a situation.
right now i do not wish to see or speak to that personality. she will be dealt with accordingly.

now onto a better life and thought processes

pissed at delays

2009-01-21T18:37:00.003-06:00

well
probation is not easy to deal with on a new job.
nor is having to back out of school because I have to work late right now.

i talked to the school directors. i am delaying the start of my classes until i get past my probation at work. looks like I start classes in April or I can start again in August. I will continue to pay for the course though so it has a built up bank on it.
that means that once I am ready to test I can without waiting to pay off the school :")

i hate... TOTALLY HATE .... having to delay it.
I took my first class last night there... came home and studied until 2 am...then went to work TIRED as hell and not really focusing on my NEW job.
the lesser of two evils is to protect my NEW job and get a little more stable in it. THEN I will start my school again.
i should still be able to graduate at the end of this year though. the directors talked with me and I can 'double up' on day and night courses once i have vacation time added to my employment.
that way i won't have top wait TOO long ;)

maybe Jambalaya won't be so destructive either by then. i hate having him sit in a kennel for 14 hours then have me come home and study and then bed when I can...
not fair to him at all.

actually it was not fair to ME to stress so much on a new job AND classes.

I have a little time to work it out.
who knows? If the job loses its position then unemployment may pay for my career change :)
still having things in process and limbo I guess.
Right now I am REALLY sad and REALLY tired.

I know I HAVE to keep the kjob for now.
I know I WANT to get my license in order.
I know I can be patient for a little while longer and see how it all settles down.
I know it is mandatory that I stay healthy.
I can still read and gather my books in a slower pace and get the good prices. I did not think I needed to pay for NEW books when there are better savings on USED books.

I am sad at the delays....but the job is important at this time.

fudge....

my schedule for a while

2009-01-20T22:45:00.002-06:00

*sigh*
I just CAN'T do "nothing" very easily.

Current status after leaving the old job????

New Job started on Monday (1-19-09),
School started NIGHTS on Tuesday (1-20-09)
SO that means I work from 8-5 and school is 6-10. Study at night... hopefully you will all understand if I spend quiet time at home on the weekends?

I really want to thank my friends and family that has assisted me in paying for some of the course I am taking. Time to have my license for massage in order and I am looking forward to it!
I had a DR teaching class tonight. A D.O. and very entertaining as will as interesting. I like the interactiveness of his enthusiasm for massage taking place in the medical world.

All good but I am gonna be rather busy for a while.
Monday through Friday. 8 AM to 10 PM.
Thank goodness Linda is willing to take Jambalaya out of his kennel at night when she can for me.
I feel bad on that.
I come home for lunch now so he gets out after 4 hours in the kennel.
Hopefully he will get less interested in chewing things soon and then he can stay out of the kennel :)

That's all!
.....for now ;)

....and say hello!

2009-01-19T19:32:00.003-06:00

Okay!
1 day down... hopefully many more to go!
I was contacted by a recruiter for a position last week.
Interviewed over the phone the next day.
Had face to face interview the day after that.
THEN HIRED!
WHEW!
So now I am a level II Help Desk Analyst for the medical industry again.
I have learned my lesson though and will not post WHO I work for but so far... so good!
It is 10 minutes from the time I walk out my door and then set at my desk. Pretty darn close to the apartment!
I came home at lunch today to walk Jambalaya and he was a little confused on it :)
It is ALWAYS a tad boring to me to "sit and learn how the process goes" but tomorrow I have already told them, will be in my hands.... means I want to touch the apps.
All geek at times ;)

I think it is gonna be okay. Honestly.
The applications are all proprietary so that means no "similar" remembrances of an application.
I found out one of my old co-workers is already ensconced and that was a surprise to me! Dang it.... I cannot be "unknown" this time. ;)

The pay is less than I wanted...but it is great in the closeness to home and school so it all works out to be "even-steven".

Can't really write that much about it now. I DO know that it gets hot up there there so I WON'T be wearing a wool sweater again. There is also a KinderCare daycare in the building so IF I get to have Zephyr during the week and I HAVE to have him in a location for the day... I can do it at the office and he can play with other kids! I have had excellent reports about KinderCare from Shelley and Mark Poole...so no fear with the system. I am upstairs and very close by if that happens.... we will wait for that tho.
Amanda had Z call me tonight! He says " Hi Gran-nie. It's ME!!!! "
He can name almost all of the alphabet with the letters from the fridge and loves to point out stars and moons and plants in the constellation. Amanda tells me the Pediatrician thinks Z will be reading by 3. He can already read his Name Blocks on his wall and then says "ME!!!!" (z-e-p-h-y-r = ME!)
It's a tad scary to think about... he has his colors down, too (mostly) and seems a little more confused on the numbers...but he is only 2. LOL
Oh yeah! He can do a "1 legged" somersault now, too!
OMG...watch out world!

I feel good knowing I am okay as far as my working while I am in school. Soon I will have my license for massage back in order and off I go to enjoy what I love the most.

I am HAPPY!
a good day after all.....

Today

2009-01-19T06:52:00.002-06:00

I go to work at a new job and it is SOOOO close to home!
I am excited and pleased. I do miss the people I used to work with and wish them all well.
More tonight....

Tomorrow I start school again!
Guess I do not do "not busy" very well ;)

what do you do?

2008-12-24T04:54:00.001-06:00

You get back up

awesome video on YouTube

it's amazing

2008-12-23T07:43:00.002-06:00

So unlike me to just stand still.
:)
Many know this of me. Constant change and learning and extremes of emotion.
I am HAPPY though right now.

I don't know if I CAN resign a lease on my apartment because I do not have a job lined up yet for after February. I have school set to go. (thank you Bob Klug for assisting me in registration.)
I actually was able to do some Christmas shopping and I am pleased that I stuck to a strict budget. Even though I saw more "things" I stuck with what I thought was needed..... except one gift for Zephyr :)

My bestest friend in the world, Marty, has become a grandfather! WOOT!!! The twin girls are 2 months premature but breathing on their own and doing well. Mom and Dad are well, also.

I am trying to stay sane at the office. Not easy when I see all the stress that is going into support of a product that they have too few people to work on it. I really feel for one manager that took the offer to move to MA. He will be very lost on the product for a few months. He was on the other side of the tech support. Now he is trying as fast as he can to learn what I do. It took 6 months to get a grasp of what I do....and that was a hard learning curve.

My parents are all well...at this moment. :)
My son is doing good in college and has NO idea of how proud of him I am. He has grown tremendously in attitude and in determination.
My daughter is awesome in her life as teh breadwinner and a mom.
My niece is in her own apartment again! I am proud at how she has survived some really hard choices in her life.

My dog is still growing! He is doing well at commands though and soon I will have a blast letting him run the trails while I ride my bike with others.
So far we ride/run solo because he gets distracted a bit. :)
Such a child ;)

Christmas is gonna be okay. I get to have Zephyr spend a night with me over the holidays and then I return him to his parents.

A most amazing gift of friendship: My truck needs some more repairs but I cannot afford to do it. (transmission this time) My friends Robin and Keith have loaned me a truck until I can get my truck fixed! Awesome. Safe to drive. Fabulous loan. :) I will feel very safe traveling with Zephyr now. I think he will LOVE the sun roof! My friend Joe gave me a digital picture frame and I have ALL of the kids on it.
Nice to just sit and watch the pictures change. Nice to remember all the times.
I received a TON of pre-cut material for quilts to be made too!
I have projects and things to do. I look forward to clearing up more "junk" in my life.

Amazing... I sing all the time now and I don't sound half bad to myself!

I know people are into the gift thing at Christmas.
Me?
I like to see the surprise on a face to see how hard I thought on them and what was NEEDED.
Okay..... there were a couple of "they really wanted..."

I am happy and calm. Best thing I have felt in 3 years.

LOL

2008-12-11T07:44:00.004-06:00

what else can you do?

Time slips up on me so fast of late.
Yes, there are concerns about how to deal with some of the events coming my way....but a man I have met at my job gave me some wonderful advice...

"Sometimes the best avenue to follow is to just laugh."

It has eased some of the tensions.

I am concerned that because I have worked so much lately catching up and taking care of bills from the first half of the non working year that I am not able to finish my hand made items for Christmas....so odd things will be purchased...and I will send the hand made things on as I can.
TO EVERYONE...

I am concerned that on Feb 29th I will be unemployed again. I have already started looking and interviewing....and my truck keeps breaking...which has become a stress point that is unbelievable.

I can't do a whole lot but work as it comes right now.
Learning learning learning is what I want to do. Currently attempting to get some funding to get to the classes I so desperately need to change my career. I want to do my massage full time and I want to specialize it for the medical field. Seems fairly solid to go the medical career direction. I know that there are classes starting soon.... I hope I can get the funding together (looking into school loans for this too!).

Jambalaya loves the cold weather! My ski clothes have come in handy lately :) I have some kick-ass memories of learning to ski and going skiing with dearly loved friends....and deeply missed friends. A few wonderful pictures are in that, too.

It always makes me smile when I go through my pictures.

I guess not many really know what all I do in my life. I decided to make a hell of a change in it and I withdrew....Yes, Marty, I am fine. I needed to move away from those folks that sent my emotions into roller coaster rides. I do miss a very select few....but they have no further 'need' of my presence in their lives either.

I am calm and I smile a lot now. I even caught myself singing again :)

I look forward to seeing my kids and my grandson.
I don't stay long in too many places unless I feel balanced. Even visiting my exhusband and his wife Toni is not too bad :) I enjoy the conversations and watching them interact together is a fascinating entertainment! They are truly "cute" together.

I have worries but so far I know that it is because I have no control on the outcome of others decisions.
If I feel insecure about a situation or find myself wanting to be angry for some unknown unbalanced way, I don't stick around or I don't go.
So far that has been only 3 times in the last 4 months.
That is not a bad average if you ask me.

I walk Jambalaya almost every night with a nice guy lately. He moved into the apartment complex a few months ago. It is nice talking to him. He is actually younger than me...

by 27 days! LOL

Linda and I walk often, too. I have been reading a tremendous amount because it is free or very cheap to do. My TV is about to die so that movies from my apartment office will no longer be viewed as often. We shall see what the New Year brings in for me. I ride my bike solo again and Jambalaya is getting pretty good at following along.

LOL
I haven't been taken into the Trinity River at least. Pahsha was famous for doing that with me :)
LOL
I gotta get ready for work to end and say good bye to some very interesting people.
Maybe one or two will stay in touch. Maybe.
LOL
Time to get things sealed for my Christmas. I like looking at how others have decorated.
ME? No decorations. Not many come to visit me. It is okay though... I am getting more stuff that is never used out of my little location. Maybe easier to move if I have to after January and I determine If I can afford to keep my apartment.

LOL
God knows I don't enjoy moving anymore....

But look kids!
I AM smiling though.

I have enjoyed reading the most. My daughter has started writing again on her blog and it is so very interesting at her ability to write and see the workings of her world. A couple of friends (real friends) have asked me why she doesn't write professionally. I dunno. Maybe it is because her views are honestly what she sees....not trying to convince others how to see. She is talented in several ways.
My son is amazing :) He is doing GREAT in college that he is paying for! Learning how to deal with his life and making progress in living. HE simple makes me comfortable. Loved.
My niece, Chandra is getting on with her life nicely. Don't see or her from her much but that was to be expected :) She has her new home and a new boy in her life.

LOL
It seems that life will always move forward while I watch to see how time changes everything.

where oh where has my little dog gone....

2008-11-23T08:46:00.003-06:00

because he is HUGIFEROUS!!!

Yep, Jambalaya turned 1 on November 1st. God, a Scorpio temperament as such as I have never dealt with :)
Actually he does remind me of Leslie in a lot of ways.
He will bring me all kinds of toys. He is protective to a point but pretty happy when on an adventure. He is a tad skittish of strangers...today he actually growled a little at one of my neighbors. She is gay and rides a motorcycle. He did sniff her though. THAT is a start :)
Soon as she tosses a ball for him he will be fine :)

70+ pounds he is now. We were walking yesterday morning. Slow walk because I have been sick as sin since Thursday night. Feeling better today (thank you for asking, by the way)
Anyway... we were walking on the back side of the apartment complex along this retaining wall (Jamba insists on walking on top of it) and POOF* he takes of right and I follow with feet flying in the air.
All I could do was do a push up to get my hips under me instead of being bent on the retaining wall. Sit upright and start laughing.

It has been a long while since A) I was so weak that my dog could pull me that hard B) musta been a sight to see me flying off my feet with Jamba chasing a squirrel and C) I laughed that hard.

I did do a little testing on Jambalaya's pull-ability
HE can do a hard pull of 150 lbs. That is a HUGE amount for me to control at times. I have learned to not have a lead attached to me on my bike :)
Jambalaya does really well following (sorta ziggy zaggy) ...okay, he likes to lead. Trust me when he is tired he will stop. Sit in the middle of the trail and stare at me in my eyes like "you CRAZY old woman! STOP!!!" After a few minutes he is ready to run again. :)

He cuddles me at night safely guarding my feet and knees from hidden night dangers. Sometimes I hear him sigh deeply like I do....ahhh, FINALLY sleeping! Then he gets down and rests on his bed. I think it is so he can look out the window at night to make sure the local area is safe.
Jambalaya LOVES Zephyr very much! Z will chase him and they play tag. So far, Jamba has not knocked him over which WILL be a site to see :) Zephyr will let Jamba kiss him for a little while...then he is off running and chasing the dog again :) Z loves to hug and pet Jambalaya. Jambalaya tries to approach all the kids he sees...looking for a fun time and pets and rubs. He is big though and it scares some little ones that have not been raised with dogs.

Steve and Toni are bring Z home today with them for a little "pre-visit" on the holiday. I hope that there is a way that I get to see him, too. Jambalaya needs his boy time, too. I cannot take Jambalaya over there to Steve and Toni's. They have 3 adorable kitty cats and their home could not deal with Jambalaya's ability to reach ANYTHING he is curious about :)

To look at the previous years pictures of Jambalaya and to see him today. Amazing at how the pup has just gotten swallowed up by a beautiful non shedding coat and need to RUN from sleeping all the time at my feet or on my lap. Oh yeah... Jambalaya thinks he is the size of Grace (Annavee's long haired Chihuahua) so you will find him CONSTANTLY perched on the arms of my couch. Kinda reminds me of the Peanut's cartoons and watching Snoopy hanging off his doghouse.

Jambalaya is a wonderful companion for me. He is excited to see me always. He is willing to go anywhere I wish to go. He loves for me to touch him and love on him. He even understands when I need to just sit and think. All in all I am glad he is in my life for as long as his heart will beat. All he wants to do is play which seems to be a "thinking" of mine. Come on! Let's PLAY!
I do it with my grandson and I can do that with my dog.

Although SOME of the walks don't exactly look like play :)

Considerations

2008-11-06T06:58:00.002-06:00

Reading Jobs - Overall Outlook for Surrounding Area

According to the most recent government statistics, there are 818,283 Reading jobs. Jobs in Reading's Private Sector make up the majority of employment with 733,516 jobs in the Reading, MA surrounding area (Middlesex County). This accounts for 89.64% of the Reading jobs market. The rest of the market comprises Local Government employment totaling 58,953 jobs, which is 7.2% of the Reading workforce. State Government and Federal Government make up 12,794 (1.56%) and 13,020 (1.59%) Reading jobs respectively.

To get an idea of the opportunity, there are 47,455 employers in Reading. The Private Sector includes 46,397 firms, which make up 97.77% of companies hiring in Reading. In other sectors, 721 Local Government employers (1.52%), 147 State Government employers (0.31%), and 190 Federal Government employers (0.4%) hire workers in the Reading vicinity.

The average weekly wage in Reading, MA is $1,176, which translates to $61,152 annually. Private Sector wages are $1,192 per week or roughly $61,984 per year, on average. Local Government wages are $917 per week or $47,684 per year. State Government wages are $1,019 per week or $52,988 per year. Federal Government wages are $1,339 per week or $69,628 per year.

===================================================================

This is what I have to consider.

My company is closing down the office here in Texas. I have an offer to move to Reading, MA by January.... or accept a severance package and look for work here.

Research shows that the earnings there are more than I make here.

Cost of living there is expensive for a single individual. Makes roommate situations a must.

I think I need to research a job here.

Zephyr and Jordan take flight

2008-11-04T07:51:00.002-06:00

This past Friday, Jordan and Zephyr had a most wonderful adventure together!
Father and Son had their FIRST airplane ride!

Amanda's stepmother and father went with them all for the wonderful moment of flight :)
Rachael ( Toni's daughter) works at McKinney airport. She was able to get a ride for the "boys" along with momma! The Cessna ride was a HIT!
The family also got a tour of a helicopter (Medivac I think)
Zephyr would not go into a helicopter until he saw his Papa sitting in it first :) Steve I believe was thrilled to accomplish the task. Amanda reported that all day all Z would enlighten EVERYONE to was "I was on a PLANE!!!!"

Zephyr loves airplanes and always searches for them in the air. I hear that Jordan has been bitten by the flight bug too :)

I am so thankful that the extended family is so into bringing happy moments to each other. Rachael.....what a wonderful young woman you have grown into being.
To think of such an adventure.... I am clapping my hands at how thrilled Zephyr and Jordan were about it. I loved hearing Z say "where is the plane? All gone?" on Sunday :)
Always looking for the sound of the engine to guide his sight to something that may become a love of his.

Thank you for the wonderful smiles I got to see in the video.
Thank you for sharing :)

something GOOD

2008-10-31T20:22:00.001-05:00

http://www.earthclinic.com

ENJOY YOUR HEALTH

at home

2008-10-31T19:26:00.004-05:00

Amazing how much time I spend at home now.

Tomorrow I am working at a party as a Tarot Reader....haven't done that in a few months.... reading publicly that is.

I come home from work... walk my dog... read or sew... watch a little TV.... and go to bed.
Pretty boring.
Is okay for the most part because I am quiet. Not much singing or dancing anymore.

I am peaceful though.
Tomorrow morning or Sunday morning I am to have a call from Marty for a coffee date. I sent him some foofy creamer and some books. :) I am looking forward to this.

I got to see my grandson for a few hours on Sunday *last Sunday* and 30 minutes on Wednesday. I seem to get out of work to late when he is here and he goes to bed early as a child should.

I miss him dearly. He is growing so very fast.

I think a lot.
I don't cry anymore.
I walk and take care of my responsibilities as I should.

So why is life silent, sad and boring except for the little glimmers that occasionally happen?

I guess DRAMA happens elsewhere these days

and that is fine.

Maybe this is what was meant when I was told "that one day I would live in silence."

consider this

2008-10-24T07:59:00.002-05:00

No matter where you are at this moment in time there are others slowly seeing you migrate into someone that you wish or work on being.
They have a sight of who you think you are.

Trust your closest friend to be entirely honest with you in how your actions can be perceived.

Yes you will go through painful emotional involvements.
Yes there are people that you will never see or know again.
Memories

Those are so precious.
Laughter will fill my heart.

I realize that I may never meet a man that will share my hopes and dreams and curious quests in my lifetime and be my companion and cohort.

I have my family and that is WONDERFUL.

Family can be chosen. Friends are valuable with the same amount of honesty and heart as I love my family.

I wait for no one to come into my life because there are precious ones here already.

Happy Birthday...to me!

2008-10-20T07:45:00.004-05:00

Yep! 49 today!

All in all I think it will be a wonderful day!
I went to my sister Annavee's house and painted some baseboards yesterday.
Annavee and Jacque are my younger sisters and both had a birthday recently too!
Annavee on the 17th (she is the middle child) and Jacqueline on the 18th (she's the baby child!)
Now that EVERYONE is caught up... :)

Last night my friend Joe took me out for dinner for my birthday. We went to Truluck's. He knows I adore seafood! Man it was a hard choice. BUT.... There was a appetizer that was something I have never tried before. Brazilian Pachu Fish Ribs. This was delicious! A cousin of the Parana's and it tasted like: PORK!!! Hehehe is was made with a bar-b-que sauce and grilled watermelon (interesting!) and a delightful coleslaw. Next was a delightful and tasty Pablano Pepper soup which I will figure out! I had a fantastic Lobster (10-12 oz) from Australia. (yes I know it is a SIN to waste the opportunity of having a FRESH main Lobster that was flown in today) with Parmesan and garlic mashed potatoes (NEVER as smooth as Sally Rainey's) and grilled Asparagus. Then came dessert that was a chocolate souffle served like I have never had before! It was made with the center being liquid chocolate.
Had 2 glasses of Vouvray Wine (Chardonnay) and a Tawney Port with desert.
It was WONDERFUL!

So the rest of the day is starting but I wanted to say GOOD MORNING AMERICA!!!

Zephyr and his drum solo debute

2008-10-08T20:22:00.002-05:00

Coming home from the Austin Zoo (means the Austin Animal Rescue) was more than just a car ride.

Amanda's Blog beat me to the film!

It was a truly marvelous adventure :)

Home again Home again...jiggity jig

2008-10-06T16:32:00.000-05:00

Got back last night from Austin. I really love that city :) Unfortunately my job doesn't allow for constant telecommutes :)

There are more friendly people there than I have EVER met in Dallas and I have been here since I was 5 & 1/2.
My daughter asked me when I was moving down with a huge smile on her face.
I am not, Honey Girl. My job unfortunately is in Dallas.

Doesn't stop me from searching. No longer tied down to a pseudo relationship that was all my own doing. Unrealized unconfirmed emotions that I set up for my own emotional hell and I FINALLY got it.

Too damn old to trust that scene again. It is amazing at how much love you can FEEL and see in a child's smile and attempts to converse.

Zephyr does NOT like for you to "make up words" to converse with him. He is gaining several words a day. This weekend I was in Austin to babysit him for my Daughter and Son in Law's 4th Anniversary. Considering they have been together for 10 years already... It was a rather calm but fun weekend. So cool that they enjoy cards and dominoes games. Scrabble was the hit last time. I LOVE scrabble!
I did really well with the dominoes and Jordan was the big winner at Uno!

I got to talk to my son, Jason, on the way down. He has a girlfriend and she sounds really nice! Even into gaming like he is. That means a lot! She is also attending college within her close proximity of home in FL. Jason is doing really well at school and at his job.

Jambalaya is getting huge :)

I am not sure I want to attend Myschievia. That is a first.
Thinking on it.
I know I am carrying a rider...but my main concern is MY emotional health.
PERIOD.

Home is where the heart is, isn't it?
I want to continue on my path of self reliance and sustainability. It may be that I end up having to work that weekend, too.
We went through a LOT of recent changes in my office and there were several that did not make the continued employment.

I find out today what the situation is at the office and then all decisions will be made.
I may end up moving ... I may end up staying.

Who knows?
Who besides me really cares anyway?

My children do that is for sure.

and again... yesterday as I was telling Zephyr "I love you" for his nap and my drive towards Dallas....

"Bye bye, Grannie love you" was clearly stated back.
God, he is growing fast. 20 months old and already has the brightest eyes of sky blue.
He has great understanding at his limited level of sharing heart felt love. He smiles and is entertained with laughter. He blinks so seriously at you when learning a new concept (read IE: potty training). His joy and applause at a job "well done!" and the delightful heart that sings when he is singing or drumming or laughing with you.

I know, it maybe grandmother syndrome but it is something I can say with great joy.
I did well raising my children. They are starting their own families now. They are showing love to themselves and to those that matter the most to them.
It was a wonderful walk and talk with Amanda and hearing the confirmation that she is glad to have her momma back again. "I was worried about you Momma. You were always in emotional trauma when with "him" and I am really glad to have you back and happy."

Yep, Kiddo,,,,, so am I. Glad to be me again.
It isn't that love isn't supposed to be in your life.

It is that love is supposed to be balanced and equal.

and SPECIAL feelings arise....

2008-09-30T19:57:00.003-05:00

Tonight...my grandson Zephyr the marvelous wonder said

"Bye bye Grannie"
He blew me kisses over the webcam and told me that wonderful statement.
Amanda says that is the first time he has said that.
I wish I had been recording it :)

I think my heart is gonna melt.

=D

occasional self doubt

2008-09-30T07:47:00.002-05:00

Ever feel like you chose the wrong career, relationship, and possibly the wrong life?

When self doubt hits I find I totally withdraw.

Okay, I know a lot of stuff. Mental capacity is very good and active.
I am not that talkative normally.
Spiritually I question why I insist on learning over and over that no one sees occurrences the way I do. Nor do many look further inside to see the future for themselves or others.
Just remember that to see the future means you do not get to skip the in between emotions.

I really am not sure where I am at this moment. I woke with the words coming out of my mouth "get out of my head Dan. YOU were not invited"
Now that is a weird way to wake up.

I am not sure I really know what is best for me in a job. I like technology because it makes my mind work. Search, repair, digest, grow, and requires logical function. (Yes I can be very logical)

It does not however make me feel happy, giving, laughter filled, and thankful for being human.
My other work is what I adore. Massage heals. Not only does it help others but it helps me. HUMAN contact.
I miss hearing that someone feels good around me.

I have sat alone thinking for over a month. I have gone and visited a few people.
I am not even sure that I am wanted in any place.
It used to be the commotion of people around me was entertaining. I watch many that are lost now.

There is a balance in spiritual living where you understand that all are not lost but only searching a way to find their value.
Why is it that the human is so ego centric that they forget the reality of emotional pain sometimes needs to be listened to? I don't really need to be heard as words have been released and sent the way of smoke and prayers (I guess that is the best descriptive word I know of at the moment).

There was comfort in a few true friends being around. Yes distance does not mean you are not there for my need of communication, but it is less satisfying to my physical reality.
There is sadness that it was a liar that I fell into. I fell into lying to myself that it was real.
THAT really upsets me.

Yeah, future sight does not mean you get to see for yourself in all things.
I am still processing my choices in life. One reason I am physically here.

I just wish I felt the confidence again at this moment.
I have a good job. I worry that I am not smart enough though at the moment.
Frustrations tend to cause me self doubt.

I don't look forward to spending the rest of my life living alone.
Sorry guys, I don't like it.
I prefer to live around and with others in my home.
Yeah there may be differences and issues... but there are others there to talk to me instead of always being in my head. I think the silence is worse and I am forcing it on myself daily of late.

I can and do pay all of my bills. BY MY OWN SELF.
I am self sufficient but I really dislike being in a house by myself.

and no...a dog does not count.

there isn't much to say

2008-09-23T07:56:00.002-05:00

Life is about learning and caring
Sometimes the hardest thing (or for me at least) is to let you go onto your own path.
Not that I see things more clearly.
I just see the potentials of the future in odder moments. There are always more choices.

Potential is not what is the reality but what could be a reality. Choices.

I kissed an old friend last night and it was nice.

Remember kissing many.
I want to find one that kisses my heart.

I am not ready to be in any relationship that involves my heart again (except for my family) but I know eventually I may do that.

silly woman....
Tricks are for kids.

Life is supposed to be fun and I wonder sometimes why I fear it. Why do I think I have to be alone so much.

I miss talking and laughter.
I miss cuddles even more.

a funny ....

2008-09-13T11:41:00.003-05:00

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The stewardess responded to the little boy, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then,' the flight attend replied, 'tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you!

not only stormy weather...

2008-09-13T08:08:00.004-05:00

but family health

My Step dad, Michael, had a heart attack yesterday. He was flown into Dallas by Care Flight.
I was informed by my niece that he is okay. This morning I talked to Amanda and she informed me he had surgery last night. 2 blocked arteries (90%) and the surgery went really well.

My niece is the "key" this time.
Amanda is right, Chandra is a LOT like her momma :)
WONDERFUL attribute I think.

Jason called me last night and it was WAY COOL to hear about his studies and his grades. The kid is, has, always will be, one that helps those that have a hard time understanding things.
Used to watch him do that all through his school years. He quietly divulged information and then was SO PROUD to be recognized for it. He is rather intelligent if at times a little distant. He is emotional at times....

and I would not want him to change a bit! I love Jason just the way he is. Always have. I remember long cuddles and talks with him. He was, and still is, gentle.

My Step dad, Michael (who is affectionately know as "god" - as in Good Ole Dad) will have a time with Momma I am sure. She can be really strong when needed...but her emotions will be touchy for a while.
HEY
Maybe they will eat better ;) Momma still does all the cooking for them. A very old fashioned wife. I think that they will be just fine.

Momma sounds good on the phone so I am not worried :)
She just talked to me and I am PLEASED to hear her voice.
Good news from the doctors and he will be getting to go home on Monday afternoon.

Amanda and Jordan are in town this weekend with Zephyr. They have very close friends moving to Taos, NM this weekend.
Today we were to all meet up at my sister Jacque's home for a family gathering. Includes Steve and Toni! I think that is AWESOME!!!!!
Even though we divorced...I never meant for him NOT to be in with the family. There were a lot of years and the kids.... and I know Steve was missed. He loves Toni and that (if it were the only thing) makes her valuable. Besides the "in common" people are:
Amanda, Jason, and Zephyr ...of course this includes Jordan :)

MY family is still HIS family, too. I am pleased that we have both grown.
It is hard sometimes when memory comes along and then I view events as they are now.
It's all good.

I wish my Momma and Step dad could be there.....but totally understandable :)
Healing from heart surgery takes precedence.
I wish I had listened to my inner voice about going out last weekend when I had Zephyr with me. But the baby really was tired and I did what was best. Beside...Michael will be here for a while longer I bet :)

It's an interesting perspective when you realize that family is more precious. When you talk to them regularly it doesn't become "invasive feeling" like it used to when so very young.

Did you know that I LOVE the rain and the storms?
It is amazing to watch it all happen and to smell the rain.

I feel clean.

I feel at peace today.

gak

2008-09-10T17:13:00.002-05:00

gawd....

tummy upset again!

Guess the intestinal virus is gonna have its way with me yet!
Home today after 1 PM and I am BORED. Can't concentrate long enough to work on line...or do anything!
Jamba looks worried.
I feel worried.
gak gak akgkga

there much better.

I hope it isn't contagious to animals :|
Jamba will be so upset by the time I get home from work if it is... he hates having "issues" in his kennel.

Rain is nice :)
I know it can be overloaded on our cities...but ya know what? It wasn't a HUGE thing before TV... it happens in nature... it is part of life.

I am doing well at the job :) I really like the place.
Unfortunate my manager has to learn that when I don't feel good my sense of humor goes completely away.
I warned everyone today I did not feel good and wanted them to stay as far as they could from me.

I wonder how my son is doing in Orlando? I have not been able to catch him of late either. :)
He told me the other day he was busy STUDYING!!! :)
So nice to hear :)
he is in college by his own means! Not many kids do that these days.
Amanda is well and so is Jordan... of almost 4 years marriage soon.
:) (Oct 3)
Zephyr is getting bigger and more talkative!
hehehe, serves Amanda right...but I worry for Jordan and his ears ;)

I am starting to have a decent interactive relationship with Stephen and Toni. I really hope that they get more comfortable with me just being me.
Momma is doing well My stepdad is out of his job. :(
I heard that my Dad and stepmother got a Prius :) to travel the country in instead of the tour bus :)
otherwise..my sisters are in Wylie and doing well.

Maybe I need to buy a house again.....stir things up a bit :)

Zephyr amoungst us

2008-09-07T11:33:00.004-05:00

how awesome it is to get to watch you sleep

I thank you, Amanda and Jordan, for allowing me to bring Zephyr up to Dallas last Monday.
I know Steve and Toni enjoyed the time with him. A lot of compliments that he is SO good.... and yes he is! I am also amazed at his behavior and social skills :)

He was a delight to get on Friday night. I learned that he can open up containers of yogurt rather easily :0

He did really well putting up with getting to bed a little late on Friday night. Darn it all! I tried but HAD to get milk for him to have in the morning :)
Saturday he woke with giggles and talking up a storm to Jambalaya. Jambalaya LOVES having Z around. Z can run rather well after him through the apartment and loves to hug him and pet him. Tossing toys for the puppy to bring back to his eager hands. Zephyr doesn't like his face and fingers licked though. He giggles when Jambalaya is kissing his feet :)

Later Saturday morning we went back to the store to get some food items for me...and new shoes that blink and a musical instrument barrage for you to enjoy at your home :) Zephyr did really well at learning to blow the harmonica. He had a blast with the real drum and drumsticks. The tambourine isn't there yet...soon enough I am sure. The maracas at least are small enough to be rather quiet (and they are great for using on the tambourine).
We played with the car track set from Gammy and Papa. The hot wheels did not come out since I was concerned that Jamba would try to eat one. The aquadoodle was a little big among all the other stuff so it sat in it's box, too.
We went and swam after his nap and discovered MANY airplanes flying over our heads from the nearby airport. Cavanaugh Air Museum was doing a lot of flying yesterday and they moved close enough to the ground for great visual entertainment and lots of "oohhh WOW" moments.
then there were long walks with the puppy and Grannie learning to use the stroller cause Zephyr's legs get tired at trying to run so much!
Visiting the neighbor next to Grannie, his name is Rich, and jumping off of the porch into grass to roll around in. Zephyr had a lot of fun showing rich how to dance to the fantastic blues music he was playing rather nice and loud :)
Another long walk with Jambalaya at night. We also learned how to "click our heels" to light up our path with flashing shoes.
Our bath time was not so fun as he didn't like me taking the cup away to rinse his hair. Found out he likes pouring the water over his head by ALL by himself! We even talked to Auntie Chandra for a bit and showed her the new music we could make.

I know the video is a bit jerky.... but Zephyr moves like the wind! (smirk)
He also likes to kiss the video camera when trying to kiss Auntie Chandra =D
~~~
A little restless in his dreams Saturday night. He tossed, turned and talked in his sleep. Worried poor Jambalaya a bit as the puppy whistled his concern a few times.
Never have heard Jambalaya do that before :)

I think Zephyr was beginning to miss his normal routines of Momma and Daddy.
Missed his stars at night I noticed, too. He keep pointing to the ceiling saying "ON".

Sunday morning he woke up at 7 and with a HUGE "HI" that made me laugh out loud. We had breakfast on Grannie's porch while the puppy was on his long metal lead. Z had fun shrieking at Jamba as he chased him until Grannie goes "sshhhh" then we were more quiet. :)
Next thing, Jamba started barking and Zephyr looked at him, very seriously, and went "sshhh".

A little fussy this morning and I then decided to watch another movie. Lion King had Z talking a lot! He likes the lion's roar. He was beginning to start to nap again when.....
Excitement!
Momma came through the door!
We got to tell her of saying "Tigger" but he would not repeat it for her to loudly as we had more things on our minds at this time.
Grannie had most things ready...except for the bed... and a few toys that were waiting for entertainment value.
The travel bed is gonna stay here so it can be ready for the next visit to the Grandparents that live so far away from his home.
We got to load up the car and watch Grannie try not to cry (cause Zephyr started crying when Grannie was saying goodbye) as Momma was signing "I Love You" out the window.

Wow...Grannie still bites her lip like a little girl in trouble when trying not to cry.

A wonderful call from Momma so that Grannie knows she is loved as the family drives off to go back to normal life. I am sure Daddy will be thrilled that his son is still alive and well...and has new instruments to jam along with him while Jordan is playing music.

IT WAS A WONDERFUL THING TO GET TO TRAVEL WITH THE Z-MAN
He made a long car trip home very fun with all of his songs, talk, and "Ooohhh WOW!" sounds.

Even spitting in my truck was entertaining. The inside needed a bath anyway.

Thank you Amanda and Jordan for letting me bring him up to Dallas.
I know that he is as precious to you both. Just as you both were to the grandparents when we allowed you to go on trips with. So very long ago.

I greatly enjoyed getting to watch him sleep. I loved watching movies with him and listening to him talk about what he saw. He does say a lot of words...just in a rush to get them all out at once.
If you repeat them correctly...you get a big "YEAH!".

By the way.... what EXACTLY does "Doo das" mean?
He laughs a lot on the word :) Bending over and laughing with his mouth open.

Oh yeah... Rich was amazed at how smart he is for 20 months. So much into the telling him of "how it is" while music is playing. Rich said he would learn how to dance like Zephyr does so he can join in on the fun.
There were MANY compliments on Zephyr's behavior from my neighbors. Many amazed looks at him only being 20 months old. They thought he acted older :)

You have done a wonderful job, Jordan, at being his center of the world for now.
Amanda..his excitement at seeing you was wonderful!

I love you all and greatly treasured the time to have him

"all by myself"

best of luck to you

2008-09-02T19:58:00.003-05:00

"I want someone who truly loves me and understands me and I AM willing to wait for that."

I hope that the person who wrote that understands they have to love themselves first.
Otherwise...nothing of value will come out of their life to be able to give to another.

It's been a very hard lesson to learn to let them go because they cannot grow with someone who does love them and understands them. Deeply.

best of luck to you

I hope you find yourself

Please note that that quote is from another person's blog. I don't really care to divest major wisdom on them...LOL as IF I had any.
I know that I went through a LOT of work with psychologist and psychiatry to get where I am today.
To have a Psychologist look at you and ask "WHY are you on medications?" was a wake up notation that I had managed to balance me.
I can actually deal with the emotions ... it may not be what I want to do..but I can understand where they are coming from. I understand to VALUE myself and my feelings.

No one else will.

There are so many different things that happen lately that it is "heavy" and sometimes I would rather just work. That is non emotional (most the time) and it is mental configurations of lessons that require deep thought processes to grasp where every piece fits together to make a product run.

It distracts me from emotions.

I have met a guy in my building. I find myself extra wary of getting to start the process of knowing someone again.
He seems nice enough.
He talks well.

He has a way of telling me EACH TIME that if we are gonna get to know each other then we will do so slowly. Meet up a few times and talk at breaks...then maybe a date.
He is 44
"appears to have his head on his shoulders" as far as I know.
Yeah he is correct in stating that IF he was a dangerous sort...he would have the patience to wait 6 or 9 months till I started trusting him. Then he could be evil.

Does ANYONE else hear warning bells?
Am I being paranoid? Or do I not trust so much after Dan that I am unwilling to even try letting someone in again?

I think it is the reaction I have had because of my involvement with Dan.

Why do I think that I can deal with another one?

I don't.

I told a girl I know today that I am fine with me and my family, and of course, my dog.
It will be interesting to see if Rick will be entertaining to my mind..or will I continue to have this "thing" floating around in my brain of: Men who want to date me or really understand me are crazy and I need out.

Maybe I never will have a level of trust again to just be myself with someone like I did with Dan.
I don't really even want to think on it.
So why do I freaking keep coming back to it?
Who Am I trying to convince?

I think I am trying to convince me of something I don't feel.

Hard to realize that because I can love someone..that it isn't that the someone that has to live in my life.

I think that I really did a dis-service to Stephen, too. I never could let him into my head completely.
I did with Leslie, but he only got hurt by me.

I think this life is supposed to always have the want but no satisfaction of receiving for me.

Sometimes that is the only way I can balance how I feel.
One reason I think I can deal with living on a mountain or far away from others.
There is not that pain associated with loving so much that I deny myself the realization that I deserve ....deserve what?

Just anything.

I remember so many times of my Dad telling me I never thought about things (god was HE wrong) and that I didn't have the intelligence to attend college. I still have not forgiven him for those words.
I don't think I need to either.

All in all my feelings are not for ANYONE elses evaluation because they are MINE MINE MINE

Even when I get selfish on something...it is because I want to be HEARD and not judged for having an emotional response. I want to work through it...but I don't really have many to talk to about it. Sometimes I get tired of talking to Momma over the same "thinkings" and to my sisters cause they have things occuring for them too.

Sometimes I want to disappear and not worry about thinking anymore. Then I get the feeling that my grandson doesn't even KNOW me yet. He smiles and laughs with me though. He can play. He WANTS to just play and try to talk to me... I like watching him trying to figure things out. Just like when my kids were tiny. It amazed me to watch them "think" and interpert the world around them. How many times Amanda used her finger like an elephant trunk.
How many times Jason would look at something and just smile and gently touch it.
Then he would squeeze things to see what would happen and sometimes cry when it broke.... what ever IT was. Amanda was gingerly cautious in her "checking things out" approach mostly because she hated getting dirty. ALWAYS. Stephen bopped her butt which caused her to tump into her first birthday cake and she was like "What the heck is THAT doing on my hand!" Then she cried a little and then still used one finger to taste.
Okay...maybe she wasn't feeling good... but she was not in control of her approach. :) see what I mean?

I would watch their eyes as they started understanding things

I want to see that in Zephyr too.

I don't enjoy being so far from him and so limited in exposure time with him to just play.
A child accepts the world and it's "things" just as they are presented to them. It is only through learning others processes that opinions are formed (I think). I could be wrong.

I never did figure out why Amanda insisted on spitting out smooshed peas...but would eat the crunchy peas as long as they were not over cooked at ALL.
they still ended up smooshed in her mouth :)

Jason always wanted to get dirty. Kinda hard to tell him NOT to eat everthing though :)
He would run and run and run... and smell like a wet puppy...and sleep so peacefully.

I think I want to PLAY more in life and not worry about feeling it.

yeah

that is what I want.

best of luck to me in finding it.

I know I rambled tonight. But this is what I THINK and how the process goes. I am not pointing fingers at ANYONE. Just realizing the fact that IF I cannot value how I FEEL then no one else will either.
I tend to keep WAY TOO QUIET when I should not.

Did you know Amanda that I still like to watch you sleep because of the way your dreams cross your face? I did that with you and your brother when you were small.
I wanted to with Zephyr....but you guys came home early from your date. No time to let me watch.

But I would not have traded the time with you for ANYTHING

dreams at night

2008-08-21T20:46:00.005-05:00

curl into me and rest
place your head on my heart
relax into the dreaming time
see the peace and rest

remember to breath
sometime soon the leaves will turn
the sky will open
stars set bright

hearing the words
"to leave all to love"
this is the best release
healing begins in my own heart

laying on my bed I awake
smiling and rested well
I realize that it is my choice
"to leave all to love" is the best

no more the worries or sadness
tears have stopped
i smile
resting my dreams in the places they belong
"to leave all to love" is the best

Big Red Spicer

2008-08-18T20:48:00.004-05:00

Big Red Spicer, icon of the running community, Race Director extraordinaire, Friend, Lover, Father, Poet, Trail Builder, Veteran, Comedian, Moonshiner, Hater of Dogs and Democrats, Rascal for all ages, has slipped into a coma and will leave us in a couple of days.
His daughter is at his side and at peace.
Red knows he was loved and has loved much in return. He was held and kissed innumerable times. He is no longer scared. He is already at peace.
There will be a weekend of celebration in his honor next year in June in Palo Duro Canyon. Red's birthday was June 1st. Details will follow.
At the celebration, there will be a run, hamburgers, blues music, a campfire and great quanities of "cold beer." We'll all be able to speak then -- and remember the man who enriched our lives with the funniest stories and that great Southern Charm.Red's ashes will be spread on his family land in North Carolina following cremation.
Palo Duro 50M/50K/20K will go on as planned. Race entries are pouring in, and in true Red fashion, the plans were transfered to Bill and Wynn before he got too ill. Bill and Wynn enourage everyone to enter the race if they wish to run, but are also eager to welcome you into the volunteer family should you wish to participate in that way.

REMEMBER: "Life is a headlong rush into the unknown. You can either hunker down and hope nothing hits you; or you can stand tall, lean into the wind and yell, 'bring it on darlin' and don't be stingy with the Jalapenos."

With much love and the reminder that we are love

~~~~~~~~~
Thank you, Antje, for the information....

a long awaited visit

2008-08-17T19:19:00.002-05:00

it was a really fun day today.
relaxed and interesting. i went and visited toni and steve today.
fed ducks, had lunch, and went shopping at big lots:)

i notice that i still shy away from discussing politics.. a lot.. but that is okay

had 2 zipped up GA's (with cranberry and ginseng tea) and it was yummy!
i still love ginger ale :)

got to play with the kitties some too. i miss my cats.
it was really nice to just visit. i had fun driving them both around and telling some of what is around here. naturally it was with a lot of things i like to visit :)

going to share movies of the grandson and pics with them,too. i decided it will be easier doing cd's :)
email is hard long upload on some of them.

toni is doing good and very hopeful of the outcome of the transplant. i really hope that the money is raised soon.

it is nice to see them happy together. i was glad the timing was good to visit as they live near me now.... which in a selfish way we agreed that it makes it easier for the kids to visit more parents and less travel time spent on the road :)

i am pleased and content.

:D

off to visit my mom...

2008-08-16T09:21:00.003-05:00

Cannot change anything about Red Spicer passing from this life to the next.
Working this weekend but taking my laptop with me so I can SEE my Momma. I miss her a LOT and look forward to the visit.

I'll write more later :)

For Toni Vogel... PLEASE HELP HER IN THIS TIME

2008-08-11T16:20:00.002-05:00

My daughter Amanda (Bella) sends this out and I want to help!

For Toni Vogel, Wife to Steve Vogel....
PLEASE, help if you can.... She is an amazing woman.

National Transplant Assistance Fund

Hi Everyone!
Bella here to help my dad and step mom reach out - my stepmother, Toni was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

This week, she was accepted into the National Transplant Assistance Fund where her and my dad hope to raise the $25,000.00 it will take for her transplant surgery. She has been a long standing advocate for science and research and will be participating with a Stem Cell transplant to her spine. The operation and study are only a few years old, and therefore not covered by insurance.

I'm lousy at pitching the facts that are far better explained on the website. Please see below for the link directly to her page and while you are there, feel free to read up on the organization, the procedures and the rates of success. Currently, the doctors have given Toni roughly 10 years... I'd like her to stick around to see our son (and her two other grandchildren from my stepsister) grow up.

Please help in any way that you can - whether it's with a donation or just a kind word of support on her guest book.

http://www. transplantfund. org/Restricted/patient-guestbook. cfm?pat_id=2580

maybe back to plano???

2008-08-11T07:25:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I need to move away from the accessibility of a few people.
I think that maybe Plano may be calling my name. I gotta wait for the end of the lease and to see if my office moves.
All dependent on other actions outside of my control.

Sometimes no matter how you try to help or listen to another...you have to cut them loose and let the birds fly or fall to their death far down below.
I cannot rescue anyone but myself.

and I don't want to rescue anyone either

I deserve a lot better than this.

merry-go-round???

2008-08-09T07:41:00.002-05:00

Jeeze Louise!

I finally decide to move closer to work. then news comes that makes that decision a moot point.
It maybe that my company is going to relocate. Not exactly sure where, but perhaps closer to my apartment.
Now I am in a wait and see position. Again.
Sometimes I really wonder about why it is I make a decision after CAREFULLY weighing the pluses and minuses, research the locations, do a financial schematic of the checks and values of such a move..... and all for a "wait! not totally there yet!"

GRRRRR

I was looking forward to this too. Canal Side Lofts would have been wonderful!
I like the community and the area. Places to ride my bike and lots of area to let my dog run and play with me. A community that was 3 blocks from work. I could have parked my truck and lessened my need of fuel by WALKING to work or riding my bike.
I had already planned on being home more with Jambalaya and meeting new people in my neighbor hood. I was looking forward to it. REALLY looking forward to it.

Now I wait, possibly until March of '09, until the truth and decision is made for my work location.
My lease ends here on January 31,2009.
I do not want to pay month to month because that avenue is expensive.
I don't want to sign another contract either. I have a choice of 6 months or 12 months. I wanted a place that had amenities that were FUN. THe place I live in a fantastic. It is quiet (mostly retired folks here) and has a wonderful look to the grounds. Very close to Addison Circle.
Canal Side Lofts had this as entertainment:

Outdoor Features & Amenities

Main Event Sports Bar, bank of Plasma TVs
Pool Table and Foosball
Hi-Def Movie Experience Theater
Critic’s Corner Outdoor Theater
Multi-Player "Live" Gaming Center
Ring Side, Full-Size Boxing Ring
Indoor Basketball Court
Cardio Focused Workout Facility
Strength Training Center
Urban Garden with Water Features, Outdoor Fireplace and "Self" Space
Infinity Edge Heated Pool with Eclectic Lighting
Wi-Fi Hot Spots at Pool, Clubhouse and Urban Garden
DSL & Cable Broadband Internet
Controlled Access
On-site "Suds" Room
Multi-Level Parking Garages
Canal, Pool and Urban Garden Views
A Whole Lotta "Club" House
Highly functional
Highly entertaining
You’re sure to find a venue that meets your desire and the urban beat of Las Colinas is at your feet

Where I live now has 2 tennis courts, a pool and a hot tub.
They do NO resident activities at all. No meet and greets except for 1 time a year and usually I am working during the event.
The office isn't even friendly anymore.
No secured access. I don't like that anymore.
I live right behind Qurum Park and that is pretty, but there is NO PLACE TO LET MY DOG RUN!!!

I normally am patient on stuff. Changing like the wind when I need to.
This time I am disappointed.
I really was enthused about Canal Side Lofts.

Okay so there IS light at the end of a day:

Symphonic Saturdays

8/2/2008, 8:00 PM to
8/23/2008, 10:00 PM

Official Summer Series Website

When: August 2, 9, 16, 23, 2008 8 pm – 10pm

Where: Esplanade Park, Between Quorum Drive & The Dallas Parkway, Addison, Texas

What: Enjoy summer evenings under the stars in the beautiful Addison Circle Esplanade Park!

Listen to live music from Dallas Wind Symphony and Richardson Symphony Orchestra while you picnic or dine in one of the great Addison Circle restaurants.

Cost: FREE

2008 SYMPONIC SATURDAYS SCHEDULE

August 2nd - Dallas Wind Symphony - Saxophone Quartet

August 9th - Richardson Symphony Orchestra - 16 Piece String Ensemble

August 16th - Dallas Wind Symphony - Tuba Quartet

August 23rd - Richardson Symphony Orchestra - Brass Quintet

Think I will go tonight and enjoy it. I wonder If I can take my dog......

yep...moving plans again

2008-08-04T20:12:00.002-05:00

once my lease is done I am done with Addison.
Looking to move to Las Colinas so I can easily walk to work and not have my dog in a kennel so long.
Maybe I can stay out of trouble there. The bike park I like to ride in is there also.
I think it is the best idea I have had yet. I don't party or play anymore so being near to Jambalaya is a god thing. I will be taking on ON CALL soon at work and it will be best to be close by if needed.
It will be okay to park my truck and not use it so much.
The place I am looking at is a little more than I want to pay but the balance sheet makes it a good deal (especially if there is a special) to do.

Life is very strange when you realize that you really cannot count on anyone but your self. I KNOW my kids I can depend on to grow. But having someone say they will be there and then they are not just sucks. I no longer trust.
PERIOD

I think I can enjoy doing my own stuff and if someone wants to join in that is okay. But not in my home.
Okay
NOW I am tired.

Night

it's really over this time

2008-07-30T15:09:00.001-05:00

good bye Dan

* click * as the door locks

hello from the land of South Korea

2008-07-29T21:19:00.002-05:00

Marty's Blog in Korea

I just spoke with MARTY on the phone!
He asks to tell all hello for him and he is thinking of us and the good times had by all. :)

I truly miss my bestest friend right now.

Check out his blog if you wish and send him email on it.
He is doing great being married now to MyeongHee and is riding his bike as much as possible and letting the wife drive the car!
Kinda helps that for him to go to work he walks down a flight of stairs :)

I told him I would pass on the "hello" for him.

*DING* Job done!

tender feelings

2008-07-28T07:49:00.004-05:00

There are many things that we grow through. As a human being which is the purpose of this world and life. Can't escape it.

Not having to take "happy pills" anymore is wonderful but I notice that I react much more in defense of me and my 'feelings about a situation' then ever and not trying to justify the reason others "may have said what they said".

It is about communication. Direct words that are thought about as to how I may cause someone to feel. I cannot ease the words you may say to me. Most of my adult life has been spent trying to figure out the situation in someones life that caused them to say (or not say) something that triggers hurt or anxious thoughts in my head. Sometimes you can only chalk it up to their inexperience (read that as age) and need to draw a boundary for themselves with others. I have a few friends like this. Sometimes it is hard to tell them that what they jsut said has caused me to be pissed off. It isn't common...but it feels okay to make a statement for MY needs. It isn't fair to always assume "it will be fine if I blew steam here" and she will understand. Sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes it is a feeling that you are mad at me or I caused the situation. Sometimes I can see it isn't anything to do with me. Lately I am becoming more in tune with saying STOP this is not good for me to hear.

I enjoy being around people. I am not normally one to open up and talk OPENLY about what I FEEL. I have been known to be an entertainer. I like people being happy. I have a twisted sense of humor and do think that sometimes "shocking the thoughts" is a bit more fun than telling ALL about me to someone I will not really interact with in my life.

Yes I do care a LOT about those I love. I forgive WAY to easily when my heart is injured or my sense of value is "left for someone out the door on a step" for lack of understanding what I was giving up to accommodate their needs.

I am tired of it. I deserve better. I can give and give and give.... but it isn't worth it anymore because I cannot be a receiver.

So with this in mind....

My feeling can be hurt.
Don't avoid telling me perspectives, just be prepared for me to let you know when I think or FEEL you are being unfair in YOUR perspective of me

I have raised 2 children and had a lot of tender emotions that had to be worked through. Misconceived perceptions that somehow worked their way into my children's lives and caused damage to their hearts. I cannot change that now or ever. Nor would I because I think my kids are better humans for that. Yes, they are very different people. I am glad. I hope they learned lessons to on how to be kind and true in their thoughts and actions towards others and the gifts they receive from interactions with those people.

Do not plan on using me . .

GREAT lesson learned.

Tough Texan

2008-07-15T07:44:00.000-05:00

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE

Thank you Jackie B for that joke.
I LOVED it!

from the pool (of dreams?)

2008-07-14T19:34:00.006-05:00

Wonderful picture of parents of Zephyr playing around.

He looks good in her hat! Amanda and Jordan goofing around.
Just LOVE his smile!

There are some pictures WORTH sharing!
Thought I would add a few here :)

The lift....
Jordan is pretty strong looking here!

A classic picture is of Amanda... I remember my mom painting a picture LONG AGO very similar to this.

Mother and son...with "sunshine in the eyes" smiles.

There are more to come soon. Make sure you check out YouTube for more movies of them soon.
Or just click the link above :).

Later on!

Sway Dancing

2008-07-11T00:04:00.004-05:00

Zephyr and his talents!

June 12th and the little one is having a blast! Music playing...fresh fruit all around for his dancing and finger picking eating pleasure. Zephyr is almost 18 months now and he has many styles of dancing. This one is called (by me) "Sway Dancing". Enjoy!

A recognition of my Son

2008-07-08T07:45:00.003-05:00

WOW

July 7, 2006 my wonderful Honey Boy moved to Orlando Florida.

I last got to see him when he came for his vacation when his nephew, Zephyr, was born on January 9 2007.

Jason you have gone through a lot in your life. Odd things that most people do not know.

I am proud of you. You took a chance on changing your life. Away from family and all of the people you called friends.
You moved to Orlando, Florida with an opportunity to start new....over....fresh.
I am thankful your OnLine friend, Matt had offered you a place to live. At least it was one less thing I was worrying over about you.

You have attempted to change your career....and have had to go back to what you know. You are a good people person though. You do have a huge heart that at times is rather gullible (sometimes like me). You have told me times of how lonely you are and cried.

Honey Boy...
I cry often. It is ALWAYS such a joy to see you call me! It makes me smile hugely and I answer with "My Wonderful Son!" or the familiar "Hey Honey Boy!".

I have a lot of young men that are friends and I refer to them as my kids.
There is only ONE HONEY BOY.
That's you.

You know when to call me and check in ....especially if you are really frustrated with your choices.
I am PROUD of you.
You bought a car...paid cash out right for it.
You pay your bills.
You have taken on a pet. RESPONSIBLE.

Jason, you have moved away from home....but never my heart.
I like to have our conversations about where you are and what you do. I wish I understood more of the games you enjoy online. That is okay though...

LOL WUT

I am trying to accept that I may not get to see you as much as I want. I am like that though.

Jason, I am SO proud of you.
You went out on your own. NO family or familiar people.
You have had let downs and succeeded in turning them around.
You try to attend as many classes as you can afford. I am SO VERY PROUD of you!

and

I Love You SPECIAL.

Momma

well I wonder wonder wonder who....

2008-06-16T07:45:00.002-05:00

who wrote the book of love...

Interesting song to remember so early in the am. Maybe one of these days I will find that book and find my name somewhere in it. Don't care about it anymore as far as a PARTNER goes. But I am well blessed with love from my family. Got to visit with Amanda and Zephyr on Saturday and into SUnday late morning. It is amazing at how Zephyr has grown. He is a sharp minded little boy! He figured out to keep me from taking his pacifier he could hug my neck. ;) Like I said...sharp. Amanda's starting to get color in her tattoo this visit. BEAUTIFUL work that Star does (Lone Star Tattoo) and I look forward to having a piece done by her also. I may have found who will tie all of my tattoos into one. I remembered a lot of "thoughts" this weekend. I find myself wanting to be away from those that use me. I am finding trust issues have surfaced. Or is it that I am being willful again in wanting what or whom I want?
I tire of the mental beating I give myself.
I have not been on antidepressants for MONTHS now. It feels good not taking them.
There was a reason to stop. No job...no money...and the free services you an get for mental health caused me to miss interviews adn then the Doctors I got to speak with did not see me as having an issue :)

Interesting, huh?

It is fine. I really like being able to sleep with out the drugged feeling in the morning.

I cut my hair again...REALLY short :)
I like it a bunch! It's spunky :) It feels so much cooler with the heat too.

I promise to write more later....
GOtta get ready for work!

I GOT A JOB TODAY!!!!!

2008-05-23T14:56:00.002-05:00

THIS is the MOST fabulous recruiter
E V E R !!!!

Beverly Smith
Technical Recruiter
At-Tech Dallas
Phone: 972-312-1699
Toll Free: 866-205-2234
Fax: 972-312-9227

For all of my friends that are currently seeking employment.
CALL HER NOW

I PERSONALLY RECOMMEND HER!!

I start work on the May 28th and am so pleased at the efforts she went to in placing me into meetings with the company.

All in All .... it feels wonderful being employed again!

I want to thank all of you for your loving support and timely assistance in my confusion. Family and Friends...can't be with out the love and belief you have showered on me.

having an interesting time on interviews

2008-05-17T01:07:00.001-05:00

Today I had an interview for a job at a place where a friend of mine works. It was a lot of fun saying hi to people I had met at the company Christmas Party when I went with Joe. I even got a tour of the place! I also have 2 more interviews on Monday (1 is a 3rd time and I am to talk to the VP!) and am expecting to have the offers coming in on the Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

It has been really hard not having a job since January 15 of this year but with the wonderful help of friends and my sisters I have been able to do odd jobs for needed money to pay bills.

I thank you all for the wonderful support and good wishes in my search. I have noticed that the job market is pretty difficult of late for Technicians. Looking forward to getting my MS certifications started and do the testing. That may have made things a bit easier. I have been listed with 9 recruiting agencies, listed my cover letter in Craig's List, Career Builder, Monster, and Yahoo's Hot Jobs. Seems that a lot of companies now wish to "try before you buy" on employees these days. A few of the offers are to be contract to hire. A few are direct hire (which I prefer).

It is now a waiting game to see where I go.
I have been busy doing massages too. Thank you to my clients for enjoying my skills so much!

I am still filling out applications though because you never know if an offer is good or bad.
Joe actually wrote "Gopher it. The more irons in the fire the more cattle you can brand. . ."
and this made me laugh when I read it! Joe does not use that kind of aphorism normally.

But it did make me laugh and smile and that has been hard lately.

Except when I get to hear from my family.

All is good and I am waiting for good results.

Daddy and Zephyr's FIRST carwash together....

2008-05-17T01:02:00.002-05:00

Jordan and Zephyr are washing the car together on the visit for Mother's Day weekend. Well...Z is more into the water play I guess! They had a lot of fun and Z is trying to help with the bumper at least. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

it is frustrating and then there is fun =D

2008-05-16T11:24:00.006-05:00

so MANY interviews of late. starting to get a few second calls and then a few F2F...Face to face that is. There is one today at 1 PM which is a direct hire without going through a recruiter. I want this job! Close to home and I can walk there if I choose. maybe longer late hours but at least I can get home to take care of Jambalaya periodically.
he is still a puppy at 6 months and weighs in at 52 lbs. Got a training lead for him ( at a whale of a sale price ) It is a "gentle leader" that fits around muzzle. He isn't thrilled with it yet but he LISTENS to me while walking on it .

THIS is Zephyr gleefully laughing and posing after I snapped a serious photo of him eating his lunch. I got lucky in being able to catch that wonderful smile he shares. Oh yeah...he shares his P&B sandwich too as he kisses me! I loved it!

Amanda and Zephyr came and spent a night with me just before Mother's Day. This is Friday morning on my patio ..... Zephyr breakfast style :) Remember. My grandson JUST turned 16 months. Amanda is 5'4". He is HUGE!!!!

Love this family of mine so much...

Zoom in on this photo folks and you will see the wonderful beginnings of Amanda's sleeve work. It has embodied all of her beliefs and feelings of her life. ABSOLUTELY stunning. It is only a light outline at this point...but it will be wonderful when finished.

I can appreciate her desire to hold dear her self expression and memories in ink.

My wonderful niece Chandra.... She bought me dinner on mothers day at her work and gave me an extra dessert to take home along with a ribbon to wear that said " A VERY Proud Mommie"

and absolutely true.

I got a call from Jason, too!
I have no recent pictures to post of him. Hopefully I will soon.

I called my momma and my stepmother and wished them well and happiness. I called my sisters too to wish them happiness on this human celebration of a day.

I need to go to an interview now so I am signing out. More updates later!

where oh where are you tonight?

2008-04-20T16:07:00.003-05:00

Wondering where my mind has gone again.
I search and search inside and it plays hide and seek.

not a good song to be singing...and it mostly relates to my non working status.
FRUSTRATION to the Nth degree,

Massages are doing okay. Painting houses and clearing land is okay too.

I find I have little patience anymore for those that choose drugs and LOTS of alcohol of late. I don't have that many friends anymore. They seem to disappear when you cannot always help them out.... or if you call with a need of assistance. Like a visit.

I love my girlfriends that I have
I think I am so finally pissed off at the male populace that it is painful. There are a few guys I can hang out with. NONE hold my heart anymore though.

well...
okay

My Son Jason , My Son in Law Jordan, my Grandson Zephyr, and my Daddy (as long as he doesn't lecture me) and my StepDad Michael, My bro in laws Doug and Gene....Oh Marty and Brian.

Yep that's all the ones that deserve my communication.
Then again there is Katie and Mike. Then Zac and Chris. I have a friend Chris J that is nice..he is a single Dad. Joe who is a big ol' bear :) and loves to watch movies with me.

Okay it isn't ALL of my friends...but there are some I THOUGHT were caring of me that do not

Maybe I am finally getting the lesson of not caring except in friendship.
I am angry that I can be so stupid as to really and truly care about a man and have them fail me again and again.

You suck, guys. You have lost the ability to not be so totally self centered. I do not understand it at all. Nor do I wish to pursue it.. at all.

Things are changing.
Looks like I will be taking a little trip to Atlanta GA for possible habitat change. Going to check with a few places and set up interviews.

Been saying goodbye to a few that I know I will miss. Won't tell the rest ...just fade away from memory. I am concerned about my clients though. The massages are so well received and I need to find a good couple of therapists to move them to them.

More later as I get the interviews set up.

See ya.

Yeah yeah I'm Walkin'....

2008-04-19T20:20:00.002-05:00

Zephyr is taking us for a little walk around the apartments he lives in.
Daddy is great as his camera man!

harmonica fun

2008-04-18T11:46:00.002-05:00

This is Selena Jade...she is 1 week younger than my wonderful Zephyr. One day...maybe...it will be that the two meet up again and remember each other!
Hey Z, I know you love music and so does Selena!

Hmmmm
Maybe a band soon?
Jordan (Zephyr's daddy) plays guitar and sings....Mark (Selena's daddy) plays drums and many other instruments like a didgeridoo.

This could be fun!

A little joy in my life

2008-04-17T13:12:00.003-05:00

I miss the Grandson Zephyr and here is his latest pictures

and This little guy's name?

Jambalaya
He makes be be responsible for things I forget. Like eating and going outside and laughter.

I am still stressed at not having a job. Working on a LOT of things about myself.
I am trying to get jobs that I am even overqualified for and nothing seems to be working. I haer that from several people I know and they are in the same situation.

Still working with Texas Labor Laws and how I was handled at the last job. Being fired while still covered by a doctor for FMLA...not a good deal in my opinion. We will see.

Otherwise I am still losing weight appropriately. Hired out by friends and family for manual labor which doesn't bother me but it is inconsistent and there are no health benefits :)
So far I don't need them :)

I hope to see my children again soon. Maybe I can get an interview that sends me to Orlando so I can see my Honey Boy, Jason.
I sure miss him. Since he moved there it has been oddly lacking in my life of my odd moments of geek with my son.

My daughter is doing well and her husband and son are well too.
My niece is as usually caring busy and living a good life. Busy busy busy
I have a couple of friends that visit. Linda lives in the complex where I live so that is really nice.
NO money or steady income means no traveling except to do odd jobs or for interviews. Hope Jamba learns to run next to the bike soon. He is okay but still a puppy so he is unfocused. I do not wish to be dragged off my bike unexpectedly.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow in the AM to x-ray the spine and see how the healing is progressing. STILL no pain!
Fantastic if you ask me. :)

So for now that is all there is.

Oh yeas...I do go to a HASH Crayfish boil the other night. Rob and Serena picked me up to go. Had a good time seeing some people I had not seen in 1.5 years. Heard the John is being sent back to Iraq and I am concerned on that. His birthday is the same as my baby sisters and we are the same age. If I dn't get a job soon..... I wonder if I can still go into the Armed Forces. It is a thought.

I have been helping a friend clear land and painting my sister's house on the inside. Maybe painting the other sister's home too soon.

Heard from Marty the other day! He called to harass me. That brought me great joy as he sounds so happy being married to MeYoung Hee.

Okay...time to continue searching!

Love

there once was a time.....

2008-03-24T23:04:00.003-05:00

when i thought i had it down
that i could be anything and everywhere

sad realization

humanity is not so fun when you realize that you love your kids wonderfully deep and know to let them go their own way. then discover that you cannot make shit out of your life.

once held in love by a man (or that was what he said) and then to realize that his 'dream' only included him.

no more trust for males except my kids
period
you all suck

My caring middle sister,,,,i won't move into your home. you have a husband and the niece
which is too much and i don't want to have ANY issue with you or percieved events.
trust me it is best

Daddy I don't think you read these and that is okay
I unload what is happening here
I appreciate the assistance. I will return the money once the balance of my 401 arrives. then you will not hear from me again. is good i think.
then you won;t have to worry about 'lecturing'.

Jason I miss you something fierce

for those that are interested.....

2008-03-22T15:13:00.002-05:00

Let me know and I can email my resume to you.

Thanks for reading

Signing off now

i am FINE...really

2008-03-22T14:59:00.003-05:00

Life is just a little difficult at the moment.
No job does that to you. No medical insurance. No life.
Not driving as much as possible. Hope the phone will be on for a while longer.
I have a pay as you go phone but once I make the next payment for time on it that will be IT
call the landline if you need me.
DO NOT call my cell please unless you are ATT or Cingular. I cannot afford you.

I cannot afford anything :)
Amazing what a job pays for.

Amazing that because I am 48 they don't want to hire me. Maybe my "experience" cost to much in the long run.

I can stay in my apartment until I can pay the rent on 4-20-08....
I hope I can be started at a job soon.

No I have not applied nor will I EVER work at McDonald's. Gak. Totally
I honestly have been walking and placing my resume all over the place.
I do not care if the EEOC causes S****** or not. OVER. I know they broke the rules by firing me while I was covered by FMLA. I reported it. It is up to the EEOC to decide if they wish to persecute or not. My manager was the one that did NOT want the paperwork I had for him.
Protected my job, eh? You decided that AFTER I was questioning your reasoning for putting an asshole on the 'supervisor' position who has a damn anger issue with people.
Went to bat for me, huh?

Yes I am PISSED at the occurrence, but I do trying to not care anymore. Interesting when I tell hiring agencies who I worked for that they tell ME that they have SEVERAL complaints about the company and no longer will send qualified applicants.

Normally I am a nice person. Always helping out in anyway I can....except in money cause I NEVER had money.

I find that there are a lot of things that are going away.

Who's next? If it is a job you think I can do please let me know?

all things to consider

2008-02-11T12:24:00.000-06:00

Hmmm... back surgery, loss of job, truck troubles, new puppy, finding job, Bestest Friend visiting from S. Korea.

Hehehe
been a busy girl.
I know one thing for sure.
I am happy.
I am healthy.
I do have some awesome real friends.
Learning who is an aquaintance now that used to be "on the inside" circle of Circe's world.
Amazed at my children.
Happy birthday very soon to you both!
Granson is growing by leaps and bounds.
I can still love someone without having to wait on them to grow.
I am learning too.

gosh....amazing even to me.
Marty and I have had a blast with setting up computer stuff and hanging out with each other. Talking and laughing and talking more to include his thoughts on a new life as a married man :)

All in all I am happy and good.
More a little later.

Goodness it is so cool to have someone so interested in computers and linux that he works with me on it.

the usual Happy New Year

2008-01-01T10:44:00.000-06:00

Ya know life is different when you use a new font.

okay...now for the realness....

I am not sure what direction I really need to take at this time in my life. I have had a lot of tests emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally. I really like the calmness that is here right now doing things ONLY for me. I love all of the people I know...okay a few I don't give a care or thought to but that is NOT the norm for me.

I have not gone and hung out with people I enjoy being around because I am changing in my balances. My decisions are that I make or made SO much effort towards helping or being with others that it got TOO noisy in my head. TOO noisy in my heart.

I tend to want a relationship in my life. So I solved it the most positive way I could.

I have a puppy now. He is a boy dog (another unusual thing) and he is mixed breed.

His name is Jambalaya :)

Call him Jamba most the time

or ankle biter

or

"damn it Jamba!" when he looks AT me and decides I am not paying enough attention and pees where he knows not to.

We are geting there with me paying more attention to his signals. :) I am learning to teach him to react to me too.

This is unconditional acceptance and love. From me to him. I have something to care for that is healthy for me. He is a pretty calm pup and I have no idea what his size will end up being. He is affectionate without being whiney and needful.

My sisters like him, too!

I have not met anyone so far that has not been pleased to meet him ;)

I have a small video of him playing with his mom and it is funny to see the change in his personality. He has intelligent eyes and soft fur. He is doing well at not being noisey when I am gone for work.

I can tell if he has been patient by the smell of my home when I arrive :)

I am learning the comfort of a pet again.

Other parts of my life are limited and this frustrates me. I cannot ride my bike yet. I can walk.... I can do a stationary bike. I tire of sitting up all day. I want to climb but cannot. It is really nice not to physically hurt like I had experienced before. It is amazing and the results were fantastic for me.

I am impatient :)

Known and accepted by me finally. Organization sometimes is difficult with me and I want to be better at it

I want to change my career path and do what I FEEL good about doing. My current job is technical (which I like) but the business is going a direction I am not comfortable about experiencing.

I like what I do mentally. I am having issues being afraid for my job every day though.

I want to feel GOOD about what I do again. I will be trying to become certified in my masage therapy again. It will be a little hard because I seem to have this fear of failing. I am GOOD at my therapy sessions and share with many other licensed therapist ideas, techniques, and clients ideas of "comfort & relaxation" processes.

This has been calling me for a long time. I have the tools (or the basics of what I need), the knowledge and practicle experience.

It scares me to think I will freeze up and fail on the tests. Kinda weird.... while I remember listening to my exhusband as he told our daughter:

"Amanda...don't shut the door before you get there to walk through it."

Remember: OPEN doors ;)

I do not call a lot of people I know of late. Time is centered at home cleaning, organizing myself, getting rid of "stuff" that I have insisted on retaining even when I know it is no longer useful. I tire of hanging on to old patterns and habits :)
I am having fun learning how to excersise so I do not injure the new back hardware :0

I wonder if I will set alarms off in the airport?
hmmmm
I guess i need to ask Doc on the next visit :)
I have had a lot on my mind and there are otherconcerns. I am doing the best I think for me. Best to stay near my area due to cost of travel.

I have a job interview soon. Will be interesting to see what they think of my skills :) I surprise myself too at times LOL.
All in all it is about change. Not New Years Resolutions to be "attempted" but a serious understanding of MY boundries that are changing. My decisions only affect me. I am responsible adn want to have an easier life without stress.
Need change adn am seeking it.

I do miss Dan.
It is best though to not look back and hurt but to continue on to become strong again.

I really do enjoy me.

She without arm, he without leg

2007-12-02T18:38:00.001-06:00

A ballet of wonderful grace.

- ballet - Hand in Hand

beautiful and awesome in the feelings i felt

humbled

Liberate my mind...

2007-12-02T18:38:00.000-06:00

Liberate my mind...

I really LOVE this song

Lyrics are posted on the link under "lyrics" (of course)
but i thought i would post them for you anyway.

raeF....
tbuoD.....
noitarapeS.....
ecnereffidnI.....

Save me I’m falling down
Guide me I’m going blind
Relieve me before my eyes run dry
Hear me at this time

chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It's what I ask
Liberate my Mind

Protect me when I face my darkness
Let my sorrows and confusions die
Be my shield of Love when fear shows up
Be my shelter under the wicked sky

chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It’s what I ask
Liberate my Mind

Light my way for Joy and Peace
Lead me for the Gift of Divinity
Refill me with the Truth that needs to be announced
Shine through me
Liberate my Mind

chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It’s what I ask
Liberate my Mind

Lyrics: Ilonah/Mars Music: Mars

This song is available at:
iTunes.com MSNmusic.com and MP3tunes.com

I like the way the sound of the music makes me feel.

I am wondering.....

2007-11-28T20:40:00.000-06:00

it doesn't exactly feel like christmas is coming to me. not yet anywy.
it isn't celebratory until i can see my christmas bulbs.
first time to be in a place without a fireplace.
hmmmmm
need to be creative on this.....
not sure I want to use lights.
need to reach to my minds eye and see how the time has passed at remembering my life.

Like a curtain that is opened and on display for a time.

AHA!
I have the PERFECT idea!

Later... a picture.

and something different to for me to do.

Yayayayaya...I know I write A LOT this time of year

2007-11-20T17:58:00.003-06:00

Seems to be the only way I can get centered and not sidetracked with the thought of not fitting in

it happens

unexplained loss of sense of innate control of my surroundings
WHY do I seem to always get something serious occurring in my life EVERY holiday time of the year...usually at or near birth date.

changes occur when you get older. I perceive many things differently than I used to when I was involved.
There is much I want to still do. Responsible only for me now.
Yet I choose a dog as a companion. Mostly because I like having the feeling of responsibility.
The companion that is thrilled to see me at any moment. That wants to be there whether it is in silence and a constant touch or in play. That can just sit and listen so I can get the words out of my head
although
sometimes I think they can answer back in my head :)
who knows....maybe I'm finally losing my sense of edge. where I end and where I begin.
I think of the spirit of our world and the feelings that are shared.
I like the love and the laughter the most
the caring
the being there to listen to a healer when they need a space to feel okay about being out of control
I hear that from a lot of professional friends right now
even kind of experience the feelings myself.
freak?
possibly :) But I would NOT trade my outlook on life or on people for anything else but growth.
period
I really enjoy how I live in my heart and my mind. I wish I could do more in my soul and physical world.
I give a lot of myself in several areas that I never talk about.
It's fine cause I feel good in what I do and volunteer my skills for.

But when do you start accepting for yourself?
When there is true need of rest and healing because you can't work on others if you are not right and strong.
Noticed that this pattern is that it all still ends up in service for others
as needed.

I am tired of being alone in my head.
I was a part of something that felt wonderful in acceptance in my heart.
I am sad it is gone.
Hard thing to think someone really "gets" you and appears on the same avenue or speed of growth and willingness to explore.
I want this and I don't want this.
I am afraid if I fail I lose total connection.
So I try to end relationships then work through having them as friends...with the memory being in my heart well the romance went...but the friend stayed.
Did I always choose the same type of friend?
Nope
to much variety

Change in heart direction or fear of having to have someone in my space all the time?
I like people a lot . It just sometimes is all I need ..... to only have a body there but no words spoken. The vibration pattern of the person matters a lot though.

Heh,
tall ladder, huh?
I make it okay to be left behind .... I can accept that an other's growth is on an other's path.
I make it okay that I move on. I have others to learn of so I can understand myself deeper. My drive for doing the best I can for healing.

I want a career change again and I will be testing as soon as I can.
I am DAMN good at massage and need the license with the ability to allow me to travel around. I can take my dog with me anywhere in the world
and while he is growing up and teaching me I can learn to be conservative within my limits and assist in building strength.

Deep thoughts....
By Circe

YAY! It's a day

2007-11-20T17:58:00.002-06:00

Today's Z news

keep reality that he is only 10 months old.
I am so pleased with how it is all trying to blend in my life

there has been loss
there had been given times of great joy
trying to find that I am my own life

and the oddest gifts of understanding

when I look on and see

Z and the family that Amanda has found in Jordan.
The precious moments of laughter

a returned gift of love
from burning hearts I know
of friends and family

laughter

all I have to give
share
and show
and even receive

Thanks to be given

2007-11-20T17:58:00.001-06:00

Oh my goodness... to wake up excited about traveling to my daughter's in laws!
I really LOVE my "in laws" of my daughter's family.
I have NEVER felt to welcomed and wanted by an extended family. I would love to get to know Sally even more I hope. Talking with her is soothing...and beside...we have a common love: Zephyr :)

imagine that

I also am pleased at my selfless /selfish choice last night. It was a VERY long day for me out for my first REAL event.

Amanda and Zephyr were supposed to spend the night with me last night. Amanda has not seen her son in a week because the Rainey Grandparents brought him back to let Amanda and Jordan focus for a bit in the new place. Amanda has to go to California again for a week on Monday.
I also tend to over exert when totally excited.
Hey friends... I even wore makeup. :)

Zephyr is very active now at crawling and looking around
and vocal about NOT getting what he wants.
Imagine that :)
He is attached more to Jordan because of exposure time.
Another reason for my decision.

Goodness it is HARD not to pick him up.
I now understand that lifting weight tends to compress newly abused bones :)

I think that i did best for me. I will get to see the kids on Saturday when they come over in the area. I am baby sitting their dog and it is nice for his company. He actually minds me and does not tug. Walking a dog again is rather nice :)
I even let Trouble sleep in my bed with me last night :)
(hehehe my sense of humor in that.)

I really wanted to have Amanda and Z here for Mom-Daughter-Grandson time.
Amanda felt so tired. Z was frustrated at the limits of his car rides.
I hurt because I could not sit still.

I told Amanda and Jordan that I love them greatly but that I felt it best that the family STAYED together at Sally and Jerry's home.
They were all situated and Z needed stability at the moment. Travel can be hard on a person. Amanda is getting to experience that lately. She is such a homebody and now she has to leave every other week.
Personally I would LOVE it if I had no attachments at home. I like change.

I cried when I got home...but I KNOW I did right.
I had a friend stop by after he was on his way home from his family. He sat and watched a movie with me which was REALLY awesome to have happen.
I felt like I was relaxed and not having to converse and no threats of DON'T pick up Zephyr.
:)
I heard from my niece via text message
I heard from my Daddy and Mary Lou by phone.
I left messages for Jason and I think he was out of range if he went to Matt's family again.

These "holidays" are hard at times for me.
HAVING to fit into what is commercialized and pressure oriented.

Life is changing dramatically for me.

I had the BEST TIME with my sister Annavee the other day.
She came over and took me grocery shopping..then came home and cooked all day for me while friends had come over to visit with me.
SOME OF THE BEST FOOD in a long time by family members now sit in my freezer.
I love Annavee and I thank her SO MUCH for the selflessness of her giving to me in a time of my needs with physical limitations...for now :)
My sister Jacque had me at her home for 2 days after the hospital. I don't remember too much except for trying to not move and sleeping a lot.
A sweet friend Tia has assisted with most of the care giving at first and driving me too and from.
My friend Linda has been by here everyday checking on me.
I have a neighbor Lee ...I do not know her but EVERYDAY at 10 am she made me lunch and brought it to my door..... EVERYDAY.
Thanks to all for the selfless giving of time.

I really had the best Thanksgiving because I KNOW I was wanted and thrilled to be there.
I always have a place at Sally and Jerry's for every holiday.
I have NO issue with that...beside

My apartment is too small for such wonderful family times.
My sisters have their extended families too.
Actually....ALL of my family does. Never thought of that before.
Jason and I are the only 2 singles in my family.

However

We are NOT the only ones and I give thanks for all of my family...extended, physical, and chosen.

me

2007-11-20T17:43:00.000-06:00

me and my world at this moment

2007-11-20T17:24:00.000-06:00

This is Jambalaya. I will probably call him Jamby.
He is a mix breed born on Nov 1 JUST before I left for the hospital. I look forward to his time becoming my companion. He is a sweet little thing.

THIS is what it looks like me working from my proper reclining position for now.

EGADS I hate to sit. HEY.... I need a recliner at work. Not an ergonomic upright.

and yes that is a sheepskin I rest upon

I'm working on it

2007-11-17T20:03:00.000-06:00

Finally getting a feel for what I CANNOT do right now :)
DAMN do I feel it.
But it doesn't mean that I won't try again soon...but maybe in a different way.

All in all it is confortable now with a backrest loaned to me by the Poole family.
Working from home is a little rough at the time it takes for me to set up...but that will get a rhythym in time.

Thank you to all that visit cook clean help drive talk and type to me.
Correct. No commas. No periods. it seems to be all inclusive at times :)

I LOVE that my sense of humor is here again

2007-11-16T17:24:00.000-06:00

.Interesting Human Body Facts
-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm
-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball
- It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
-One human hair can support 3kg.
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
-The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
-The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair
-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 20,000 cells from the human body could cover about one inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
-The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. . . . ..they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.
-You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
-Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

You checked out the length of your thumb.. Didn't you?

A while ago but it brings GREAT fun to my mind

2007-11-12T23:55:00.000-06:00

A wonderful sunny Sunday afternoon and friends being goofy.

08 25 2006

Miss ya Marty

It was the music and the laughter.....

ugh

2007-11-11T20:35:00.000-06:00

i hate what I have just went through. Total FEAR.
i love that there is no pain however except the healing pains.

Amazing
latest picture of Zephyr!

He reminds me to taste everything in life. I may not like it all but taste it anyway!

I am getting there.

I know there is a lot I don't talk about to family or friends. I do love you all.

I have internet at home now because I have to work from home while I heal. same email as before :)

LOVE!

and remember to taste ALL of life ;)

here I am

2007-11-04T11:17:00.000-06:00

i still do not like hospitals

This place is nice however. As soon as I get to my sisters' home, I will write more.
At this time I am very very tired and keep fading too much to write.
Feel free to call me if you find you have time?

Later!

Circe

oh NO!!! but possibilities abound for afterwards

2007-10-30T11:13:00.000-05:00

Surgery scheduled this 11/1, thursday, @ 6 am @ baylor in frisco. Lower
lumbar fushion and stablization of L5-S1. TTFN
wheeeeeee

not

lookiong forward to the relief though.

:-*

Log in from cell?

2007-10-29T16:34:00.001-05:00

I would enjoy this.