a whole lotta shite

... sometimes you just have to face a nasty situation running head on.
TOO much going on of late to make a lot of sense. I am not one to directly look at offending ANYONE. Not my nature. I have had enough however. The company I currently work for sux. Not only am I more stressed out than I have been in years, I am TRULY beginning to hate Tech Support. This has been something I have wanted to do since HIGH SCHOOL. My longest known friend pointed that out to me a few months ago. "you finally made it in computers, Circ! Remember? Always talking about what you wanted to learn...always learning." Thanks, Leslie...I had forgotten about it actually.

I am not comfortable in the PREMISE of the company either. It seems to be focused on people paying money that they really canot afford to pay JUST to talk to idiots. Can't really say where I work ....I would have to injure you?

Right...

the other thing is having to realize that by February I may very well need to locate an apartment all of my own.
that doesn't thrill me in the least. But hey, you know what? It may lead me to leave Texas finally.
I was talking with Marty last night. Until 1 am. He is my BEST friend and I will miss him terribly when he goes again to another country. He will be doing this all of my life I suppose. In the USA for a year or two and gone to another country for a year perhaps two.
So all of the stuff moves with me again....whether he moves WITH ME or not. I hate storage facilities. I may just keep a few items out of his though.
His family pictures...his TV... maybe the motorcycle :)
He thinks I won't ride it while he is gone. HA! I'll even get a license this time! :)

I have managed to live TRULY by myself only a total of 6 months to a year. I don't like it. I don't really need people home with me...but to know that someone IS home is important.
I honestly stay pretty silent in my head most of the time. I can talk and be in a crowd but I would rather observe than participate. Even though it seems that my mental wanderings seem to strike a funny bone occasionally.

My son leaves next week for his new home in FL.
My daughter is pregnant (WONDERFUL thing this is!)
My other rommate needs to get the money act together.
I NEED TO BE THE SAME.
I hate seeing how much I have avoided in taking care of MY shit. I hate looking at my home desk.
I know where everything is. I know what I owe. I am beginning to agree with Marty that the USA is a place that swallows up the people. It is really geting hard to get ahead.
I hate living paycheck to paycheck adn it seems that is what I always end up doing.
I try to help out my kids when I can. That hasn't been very often of late.

Maybe I just need to really look at core values
That needs to be reserved for another blog of mine.

I asked my friend Regina (while I was receiving a MUCH needed hug) to not let me dissapear again. IT is getting to the point that I need to. I also have Marty here telling me "sure....pull the Circe Thingy Act"...eh? What do you MEAN ...

"You always always always let someone get to know you just SO MUCH and then you bolt and run like hell,"
"You cannot be afraid to let things or people grow in your life"
"You need to really learn to TRUST Circe...not just me and your kids or your family"
"YOU need to relax about yourself Circ....."

These are things Marty keeps catching me on. Old habits of action. He has been there for about 5 years now. My honest feelings? I would be so much safer not loving all of the people I know. I hurt at this time cause I really am scared. I don't like for ANYONE to know I am scared.

I want to withdraw. I want to just not be anywhere today.
Yet, I have to be.
a friend and I are going to go ride bikes this morning. this will help. I am not used ot being inactive adn it seems that I have so many fucked up worried emotional issues of late that my health is taking a hell of a toll. I haven't been climbing or running in a very long time. My biking has dwindled. I feel like it is slipping away.

I totally disagree with accusing ANYONE of being selfish. I will use the word narcissistic in description of a few people I know...but that is the way they are happy.

I do not judge ANYONE. I try hard not to state what is not proven to ME. Even when someone that has decided I am the cause of a situation in their life that has occured ONLY because of their decisions.

I cannot be blamed for another's choices NOR will I accept it.
I have one woman I need to talk to about this subject.

I have several friends, or aquaintences, that my closer friends ask why I 'hang out with people like that'. Ya know why?
Cause I was like that once, too.
You ALL do NOT KNOW me. You only know the woman I have become.

Damn free spirited. Marty laughingly made the comment that He would HATE to be the one that had to try to control me...I would say F**K O** and do it anyway.
He laughingly said that my final household there would be two that wore the pants. DAMN straight!
I will never give up the ability to make a decision again. NEVER

I am too afraid to really trust that deeply again.
I feel like there was this woman that died long ago inside. She cannot be resurrected and she was valuable. She died.

I wish I could say that the current PRIMARY lover would understand. I do not think anyone will ever understand actually. I don't give them the chance :)

I think I need to go.
It is time to ride.

Where the heck is Rob????