lots of things

yeah yeah yeah
i cannot afford to pay doctors and my bills and eat.
so no more psychiatrist or psychologist or
medications.
way to expensive even in the co-pay.

so what
i may be a bit freaky emotionally. there is going to be some roller coaster rides (pay attention Amanda) in what i write.
i am trying to live without the assistance of the drugs that make my brain function correctly. it has been a long time that i have had the need to take the medications. it is going to fell like a long time before i find balance in my head without them.

there are a lot of things i am concerned about right now.
most require money to take care of them.
that is something i am in need of at the moment.

i have one roommate that is really causing financial stress. my other roommate will be leaving before the end of our contract.

how the hell do i get into these things.
i think the best thing is for me to have my own little place. an apartment that i can place my gear in comfortably.
Marty may have to use a storage...but without his guarantee that he will return in 1 year...i cannot afford to keep stressing on roommates.
we will see what happens. Marty is going to Korea to teach again.
he is also going to miss the birth of my granddaughter.
we are both sad about that.
in genera, i am sad and i want to hide away and not feel. it is overwhelming at times.
i heard from my son who just moved to Florida. awesome that he is so jazzed about his life.

a girlfriend used the word despondent to describe me today.
gee thanks
actually it probably needed to be said. i ended up looking at the synonym of hopeless and that really scared me.

it is not in my nature to be hopeless. why did that draw my attention? is my situation going to be a battle that i lose all?
if so / let it be.
i have survived other things. what is one more?
strength is what it turns into.

i can and have started over before. maybe this time i need a new location entirely/what about my daughter and granddaughter/ to see what i am made of / i want to be here to help when needed and watch her grow/ and to learn to truly LET GO of people.

see what I mean? confused.
i am tired of it.

i will be fine after i talk awhile with my spirit. i need to see if i can find a new path to tread.