sometimes I sits and thinks......

I get the most wonderful sense of peace when I just "sits and thinks". Times of holding my grandson as he sleeps are most comforting when I hurt so deeply and am confused.

I know I haven't been the best about my bills. I have gotten them down to not being very much in retrospect.
I found out today I have only 11 months left on a very long time car payment.
Yippee!
I applied for a part time job today. I also want to get my certification on massage therapy. So I am looking at school. A very specified school and it may take me a while to complete as I have to do evenings and work out the one weekend day I will have to attend all day on. That MAY make a possible part time employer not to easy to find. We will see about it.
I always get nervous about my bills. I always seem to cut it SO close. I am REALLY tired of it. I do not think I will ever make excellent money in the technology world.
I really don't know what I will be successful at.
One of the guys I work with made a statement to me today. He was telling his fiancé last night about something I had done. Or knew or something like that. She asked Randy If there was anything I COULD NOT do.
I replied of course there is. I don't choose to think that way though. I know I can overcome any roadblock. I can learn anything adn I really can go anywhere I choose.

I just wish what I really hoped for and love was where I was headed.
It isn't anymore.

Work is work.
Driving is driving.
Hold Zephyr is WONDERFULLY cheering.
Talking to my kids is a blessing each time I hear their voices.
With the daughter, son-in-law and grandson about to move to Austin, there really isn't much here for me to do but work. I go see my sisters occasionally but gas has gotten to expensive for that often. I go to see my Mother and Step-Dad but still gas is really expensive.
I have to do some maintenance on my truck that I cannot afford yet. I am dealing with a lot of medical bills right now that was unexpected ...COMPLETELY.

The doctor that injected my back said that the medication may last up to 6 weeks or a little more if I am lucky. I had an adjustment done at a community event and I have not had any pain since.... until this morning. Noticed a twinge but it is more than likely related to loss of sleep. All night I got only 2 hours sleep.
Events kept running through my head. I have to take some really heavy medication to sleep and it didn't even phase me last night. Or rather not long enough.

IF I manage to keep my place in Addison that will be wonderful. I like it. It's smaller than I have had before. But it is only me. Always only me.

Sometimes I wonder why.

Then decide it isn't worth the tears and I have to carry on.