I am wondering.....

it doesn't exactly feel like christmas is coming to me. not yet anywy.
it isn't celebratory until i can see my christmas bulbs.
first time to be in a place without a fireplace.
hmmmmm
need to be creative on this.....
not sure I want to use lights.
need to reach to my minds eye and see how the time has passed at remembering my life.

Like a curtain that is opened and on display for a time.

AHA!
I have the PERFECT idea!


Later... a picture.





and something different to for me to do.

Yayayayaya...I know I write A LOT this time of year

Seems to be the only way I can get centered and not sidetracked with the thought of not fitting in

it happens

unexplained loss of sense of innate control of my surroundings
WHY do I seem to always get something serious occurring in my life EVERY holiday time of the year...usually at or near birth date.

changes occur when you get older. I perceive many things differently than I used to when I was involved.
There is much I want to still do. Responsible only for me now.
Yet I choose a dog as a companion. Mostly because I like having the feeling of responsibility.
The companion that is thrilled to see me at any moment. That wants to be there whether it is in silence and a constant touch or in play. That can just sit and listen so I can get the words out of my head
although
sometimes I think they can answer back in my head :)
who knows....maybe I'm finally losing my sense of edge. where I end and where I begin.
I think of the spirit of our world and the feelings that are shared.
I like the love and the laughter the most
the caring
the being there to listen to a healer when they need a space to feel okay about being out of control
I hear that from a lot of professional friends right now
even kind of experience the feelings myself.
freak?
possibly :) But I would NOT trade my outlook on life or on people for anything else but growth.
period
I really enjoy how I live in my heart and my mind. I wish I could do more in my soul and physical world.
I give a lot of myself in several areas that I never talk about.
It's fine cause I feel good in what I do and volunteer my skills for.

But when do you start accepting for yourself?
When there is true need of rest and healing because you can't work on others if you are not right and strong.
Noticed that this pattern is that it all still ends up in service for others
as needed.

I am tired of being alone in my head.
I was a part of something that felt wonderful in acceptance in my heart.
I am sad it is gone.
Hard thing to think someone really "gets" you and appears on the same avenue or speed of growth and willingness to explore.
I want this and I don't want this.
I am afraid if I fail I lose total connection.
So I try to end relationships then work through having them as friends...with the memory being in my heart well the romance went...but the friend stayed.
Did I always choose the same type of friend?
Nope
to much variety

Change in heart direction or fear of having to have someone in my space all the time?
I like people a lot . It just sometimes is all I need ..... to only have a body there but no words spoken. The vibration pattern of the person matters a lot though.

Heh,
tall ladder, huh?
I make it okay to be left behind .... I can accept that an other's growth is on an other's path.
I make it okay that I move on. I have others to learn of so I can understand myself deeper. My drive for doing the best I can for healing.

I want a career change again and I will be testing as soon as I can.
I am DAMN good at massage and need the license with the ability to allow me to travel around. I can take my dog with me anywhere in the world
and while he is growing up and teaching me I can learn to be conservative within my limits and assist in building strength.

Deep thoughts....
By Circe

YAY! It's a day

Today's Z news

keep reality that he is only 10 months old.
I am so pleased with how it is all trying to blend in my life

there has been loss
there had been given times of great joy
trying to find that I am my own life

and the oddest gifts of understanding

when I look on and see

Z and the family that Amanda has found in Jordan.
The precious moments of laughter

a returned gift of love
from burning hearts I know
of friends and family

laughter

all I have to give
share
and show
and even receive

Thanks to be given

Oh my goodness... to wake up excited about traveling to my daughter's in laws!
I really LOVE my "in laws" of my daughter's family.
I have NEVER felt to welcomed and wanted by an extended family. I would love to get to know Sally even more I hope. Talking with her is soothing...and beside...we have a common love: Zephyr :)

imagine that

I also am pleased at my selfless /selfish choice last night. It was a VERY long day for me out for my first REAL event.

Amanda and Zephyr were supposed to spend the night with me last night. Amanda has not seen her son in a week because the Rainey Grandparents brought him back to let Amanda and Jordan focus for a bit in the new place. Amanda has to go to California again for a week on Monday.
I also tend to over exert when totally excited.
Hey friends... I even wore makeup. :)

Zephyr is very active now at crawling and looking around
and vocal about NOT getting what he wants.
Imagine that :)
He is attached more to Jordan because of exposure time.
Another reason for my decision.

Goodness it is HARD not to pick him up.
I now understand that lifting weight tends to compress newly abused bones :)

I think that i did best for me. I will get to see the kids on Saturday when they come over in the area. I am baby sitting their dog and it is nice for his company. He actually minds me and does not tug. Walking a dog again is rather nice :)
I even let Trouble sleep in my bed with me last night :)
(hehehe my sense of humor in that.)

I really wanted to have Amanda and Z here for Mom-Daughter-Grandson time.
Amanda felt so tired. Z was frustrated at the limits of his car rides.
I hurt because I could not sit still.

I told Amanda and Jordan that I love them greatly but that I felt it best that the family STAYED together at Sally and Jerry's home.
They were all situated and Z needed stability at the moment. Travel can be hard on a person. Amanda is getting to experience that lately. She is such a homebody and now she has to leave every other week.
Personally I would LOVE it if I had no attachments at home. I like change.

I cried when I got home...but I KNOW I did right.
I had a friend stop by after he was on his way home from his family. He sat and watched a movie with me which was REALLY awesome to have happen.
I felt like I was relaxed and not having to converse and no threats of DON'T pick up Zephyr.
:)
I heard from my niece via text message
I heard from my Daddy and Mary Lou by phone.
I left messages for Jason and I think he was out of range if he went to Matt's family again.

These "holidays" are hard at times for me.
HAVING to fit into what is commercialized and pressure oriented.

Life is changing dramatically for me.

I had the BEST TIME with my sister Annavee the other day.
She came over and took me grocery shopping..then came home and cooked all day for me while friends had come over to visit with me.
SOME OF THE BEST FOOD in a long time by family members now sit in my freezer.
I love Annavee and I thank her SO MUCH for the selflessness of her giving to me in a time of my needs with physical limitations...for now :)
My sister Jacque had me at her home for 2 days after the hospital. I don't remember too much except for trying to not move and sleeping a lot.
A sweet friend Tia has assisted with most of the care giving at first and driving me too and from.
My friend Linda has been by here everyday checking on me.
I have a neighbor Lee ...I do not know her but EVERYDAY at 10 am she made me lunch and brought it to my door..... EVERYDAY.
Thanks to all for the selfless giving of time.

I really had the best Thanksgiving because I KNOW I was wanted and thrilled to be there.
I always have a place at Sally and Jerry's for every holiday.
I have NO issue with that...beside

My apartment is too small for such wonderful family times.
My sisters have their extended families too.
Actually....ALL of my family does. Never thought of that before.
Jason and I are the only 2 singles in my family.

However

We are NOT the only ones and I give thanks for all of my family...extended, physical, and chosen.

me

me and my world at this moment

This is Jambalaya. I will probably call him Jamby.
He is a mix breed born on Nov 1 JUST before I left for the hospital. I look forward to his time becoming my companion. He is a sweet little thing.

THIS is what it looks like me working from my proper reclining position for now.

EGADS I hate to sit. HEY.... I need a recliner at work. Not an ergonomic upright.

and yes that is a sheepskin I rest upon

I'm working on it

Finally getting a feel for what I CANNOT do right now :)
DAMN do I feel it.
But it doesn't mean that I won't try again soon...but maybe in a different way.

All in all it is confortable now with a backrest loaned to me by the Poole family.
Working from home is a little rough at the time it takes for me to set up...but that will get a rhythym in time.

Thank you to all that visit cook clean help drive talk and type to me.
Correct. No commas. No periods. it seems to be all inclusive at times :)

I LOVE that my sense of humor is here again

• .Interesting Human Body Facts
• -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm
• -A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball
• - It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• -One human hair can support 3kg.
• - Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
• -The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
• -The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
• - A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• - If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
• - Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair
• -There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• - Side by side, 20,000 cells from the human body could cover about one inch.
• - Women blink twice as much as men.
• -The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
• - When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. . . . ..they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
• - It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.
• -You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
• -Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• - If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
• -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

You checked out the length of your thumb.. Didn't you?

A while ago but it brings GREAT fun to my mind

A wonderful sunny Sunday afternoon and friends being goofy.

08 25 2006

Miss ya Marty

It was the music and the laughter.....

ugh

i hate what I have just went through. Total FEAR.
i love that there is no pain however except the healing pains.

Amazing
latest picture of Zephyr!

He reminds me to taste everything in life. I may not like it all but taste it anyway!

I am getting there.

I know there is a lot I don't talk about to family or friends. I do love you all.

I have internet at home now because I have to work from home while I heal. same email as before :)

LOVE!

oh

and remember to taste ALL of life ;)

here I am

i still do not like hospitals

This place is nice however. As soon as I get to my sisters' home, I will write more.
At this time I am very very tired and keep fading too much to write.
Feel free to call me if you find you have time?

Later!

Circe