Yayayayaya...I know I write A LOT this time of year

Seems to be the only way I can get centered and not sidetracked with the thought of not fitting in

it happens

unexplained loss of sense of innate control of my surroundings
WHY do I seem to always get something serious occurring in my life EVERY holiday time of the year...usually at or near birth date.

changes occur when you get older. I perceive many things differently than I used to when I was involved.
There is much I want to still do. Responsible only for me now.
Yet I choose a dog as a companion. Mostly because I like having the feeling of responsibility.
The companion that is thrilled to see me at any moment. That wants to be there whether it is in silence and a constant touch or in play. That can just sit and listen so I can get the words out of my head
although
sometimes I think they can answer back in my head :)
who knows....maybe I'm finally losing my sense of edge. where I end and where I begin.
I think of the spirit of our world and the feelings that are shared.
I like the love and the laughter the most
the caring
the being there to listen to a healer when they need a space to feel okay about being out of control
I hear that from a lot of professional friends right now
even kind of experience the feelings myself.
freak?
possibly :) But I would NOT trade my outlook on life or on people for anything else but growth.
period
I really enjoy how I live in my heart and my mind. I wish I could do more in my soul and physical world.
I give a lot of myself in several areas that I never talk about.
It's fine cause I feel good in what I do and volunteer my skills for.

But when do you start accepting for yourself?
When there is true need of rest and healing because you can't work on others if you are not right and strong.
Noticed that this pattern is that it all still ends up in service for others
as needed.

I am tired of being alone in my head.
I was a part of something that felt wonderful in acceptance in my heart.
I am sad it is gone.
Hard thing to think someone really "gets" you and appears on the same avenue or speed of growth and willingness to explore.
I want this and I don't want this.
I am afraid if I fail I lose total connection.
So I try to end relationships then work through having them as friends...with the memory being in my heart well the romance went...but the friend stayed.
Did I always choose the same type of friend?
Nope
to much variety

Change in heart direction or fear of having to have someone in my space all the time?
I like people a lot . It just sometimes is all I need ..... to only have a body there but no words spoken. The vibration pattern of the person matters a lot though.

Heh,
tall ladder, huh?
I make it okay to be left behind .... I can accept that an other's growth is on an other's path.
I make it okay that I move on. I have others to learn of so I can understand myself deeper. My drive for doing the best I can for healing.

I want a career change again and I will be testing as soon as I can.
I am DAMN good at massage and need the license with the ability to allow me to travel around. I can take my dog with me anywhere in the world
and while he is growing up and teaching me I can learn to be conservative within my limits and assist in building strength.

Deep thoughts....
By Circe