Far away in mind and from the body...

Okay...I have been off line for a bit.
HARD to learn to function again while on pain killers.
I learned this.
I do not function on them at all.

Here's the story of my mental hiatus.

I went to a new years eve party and was dancing.
I swung around a pole. POP goes the shoulder. MAJOR ouch.
Kind of embarrassing to say the least.
I hate admitting that my body was following a willing mental imagery of my talents as they used to be. I was unsure of the material in my evening gown and I tried supporting my moves with a shoulder that tends to separate.
Stupid thing to do.

Then on the next Tuesday I decided to go rock climbing. I had good advice from Chris that this may not be the wisest choice to make. To take time and let the shoulder heal. I listened to his advice and decided that I would not give in to my body but that I could surpass the injury by will and determination.
Stupid thing to do....again.

I really dislike this stubborn side of me.

No Daddy...It wasn't on the monkey bars at the park. Sorry for the lie, but I just couldn't say "I was Pole Dancing" even though it was fun and acrobatic.

*sigh*
Oh well, the truth is stranger than fiction.

The doctor I saw had me on Hydrocodone (Vicodine) and I was mentally screwed for a week. I tried to work on Thursday, but could barely talk.
Yes the shoulder hurt that bad. I haven't done heavy narcotics for 12 years since I cleaned up. I am taking an anti-inflammatory named Modic.
No aspirin. Doing the PT exercises and ice on the shoulder several times a day.
I still hurt. The shoulder pops and I will give it a few more days of PT. I do have range of motion again but it hurts.
As long as I keep moving it I should have no issue with it freezing up.
I hate the thought of surgery.

To know me is to see that I have a time being still.
I like activity. All kinds.
I have started to be more active in running again.
Palo Dura Canyon race is for my birthday in October.
I have been hashing a little more.
I love to ride my bike and Rock Climb. I really want to be back in good physical shape.
I have lost 50 pounds and still want to lose another 30 or 40 pounds.

I just seem like I get on a good physical kick and BOOM! I screw up again.
Never seems to be small injuries either.
I dislike looking like a goof, but I hate it even more when my family tells me I NEED to stop doing these activities.
I can't my loves...I have to be active. Otherwise I will be back in the drugs and mentally shutting down.
That was part of my therapy sessions. It is what makes me feel GOOD about myself.
I am not slim, trim, and beautiful but I do have pride in what I can do. I am competitive, too. I compete with myself all the time.

So that is the truth about my shoulder and my missing mind of late.
There is a hard part in all of this though.
I have these Darvocettes and Vicodines that I don't want to take.
But I don't want to throw them away either. That is truly scary to me.
I absolutely freaks my self esteem out and freaks my mind and soul out that I feel that way about them.
I haven't taken anymore of them since Thursday.
I will ask Bob and Sharon to watch me flush them in the morning though.

I never really talk much about what truly scares me the most.

This 'having the drugs that I did a lot of' when I was in my using days is freaky.
The feelings and the thoughts I went through while taking them was scary to the Nth degree.
I was watched over by Chris, and I thank him dearly for the friendship.
Bob and Sharon checked in on me, too. They have been concerned but they have not barged in and taken over. This is family feelings and I love you guys...deeply. A single woman could not have 2 better roommates that care as much as you guys do.

Marty....I am okay. I know what to do. I know that they were prescribed because of what I complained to the doctors about. I thank you so much for the calls and the talks. I miss you terribly BF.

Amanda and Jason...... I remember the stories of your perceptions of my cleaning up. I remember some of my own actions. It terrifies me to think that I would become like that again.
I promised you both that I would not walk that path again.
I keep my promises to my kids to the best of my abilities.
I love you both so very much that I hurt at what I remember having been.

I will be happiest when they are gone from my hands.
I just can't seem to turn loose of them on my own.

There it is folks.

Far away in mind and from the body.
Welcome to the mental turmoil of a Drug Addict living her life as it SHOULD be not as it once was.

Good night and I will see the world tomorrow.

Circe