best of luck to you

"I want someone who truly loves me and understands me and I AM willing to wait for that."



I hope that the person who wrote that understands they have to love themselves first.
Otherwise...nothing of value will come out of their life to be able to give to another.

It's been a very hard lesson to learn to let them go because they cannot grow with someone who does love them and understands them. Deeply.

best of luck to you


I hope you find yourself


Please note that that quote is from another person's blog. I don't really care to divest major wisdom on them...LOL as IF I had any.
I know that I went through a LOT of work with psychologist and psychiatry to get where I am today.
To have a Psychologist look at you and ask "WHY are you on medications?" was a wake up notation that I had managed to balance me.
I can actually deal with the emotions ... it may not be what I want to do..but I can understand where they are coming from. I understand to VALUE myself and my feelings.

No one else will.

There are so many different things that happen lately that it is "heavy" and sometimes I would rather just work. That is non emotional (most the time) and it is mental configurations of lessons that require deep thought processes to grasp where every piece fits together to make a product run.

It distracts me from emotions.

I have met a guy in my building. I find myself extra wary of getting to start the process of knowing someone again.
He seems nice enough.
He talks well.

He has a way of telling me EACH TIME that if we are gonna get to know each other then we will do so slowly. Meet up a few times and talk at breaks...then maybe a date.
He is 44
"appears to have his head on his shoulders" as far as I know.
Yeah he is correct in stating that IF he was a dangerous sort...he would have the patience to wait 6 or 9 months till I started trusting him. Then he could be evil.

Does ANYONE else hear warning bells?
Am I being paranoid? Or do I not trust so much after Dan that I am unwilling to even try letting someone in again?

I think it is the reaction I have had because of my involvement with Dan.

Why do I think that I can deal with another one?

I don't.

I told a girl I know today that I am fine with me and my family, and of course, my dog.
It will be interesting to see if Rick will be entertaining to my mind..or will I continue to have this "thing" floating around in my brain of: Men who want to date me or really understand me are crazy and I need out.

Maybe I never will have a level of trust again to just be myself with someone like I did with Dan.
I don't really even want to think on it.
So why do I freaking keep coming back to it?
Who Am I trying to convince?

I think I am trying to convince me of something I don't feel.

Hard to realize that because I can love someone..that it isn't that the someone that has to live in my life.

I think that I really did a dis-service to Stephen, too. I never could let him into my head completely.
I did with Leslie, but he only got hurt by me.

I think this life is supposed to always have the want but no satisfaction of receiving for me.

Sometimes that is the only way I can balance how I feel.
One reason I think I can deal with living on a mountain or far away from others.
There is not that pain associated with loving so much that I deny myself the realization that I deserve ....deserve what?

Just anything.

I remember so many times of my Dad telling me I never thought about things (god was HE wrong) and that I didn't have the intelligence to attend college. I still have not forgiven him for those words.
I don't think I need to either.

All in all my feelings are not for ANYONE elses evaluation because they are MINE MINE MINE

Even when I get selfish on something...it is because I want to be HEARD and not judged for having an emotional response. I want to work through it...but I don't really have many to talk to about it. Sometimes I get tired of talking to Momma over the same "thinkings" and to my sisters cause they have things occuring for them too.

Sometimes I want to disappear and not worry about thinking anymore. Then I get the feeling that my grandson doesn't even KNOW me yet. He smiles and laughs with me though. He can play. He WANTS to just play and try to talk to me... I like watching him trying to figure things out. Just like when my kids were tiny. It amazed me to watch them "think" and interpert the world around them. How many times Amanda used her finger like an elephant trunk.
How many times Jason would look at something and just smile and gently touch it.
Then he would squeeze things to see what would happen and sometimes cry when it broke.... what ever IT was. Amanda was gingerly cautious in her "checking things out" approach mostly because she hated getting dirty. ALWAYS. Stephen bopped her butt which caused her to tump into her first birthday cake and she was like "What the heck is THAT doing on my hand!" Then she cried a little and then still used one finger to taste.
Okay...maybe she wasn't feeling good... but she was not in control of her approach. :) see what I mean?

I would watch their eyes as they started understanding things

I want to see that in Zephyr too.

I don't enjoy being so far from him and so limited in exposure time with him to just play.
A child accepts the world and it's "things" just as they are presented to them. It is only through learning others processes that opinions are formed (I think). I could be wrong.

I never did figure out why Amanda insisted on spitting out smooshed peas...but would eat the crunchy peas as long as they were not over cooked at ALL.
they still ended up smooshed in her mouth :)

Jason always wanted to get dirty. Kinda hard to tell him NOT to eat everthing though :)
He would run and run and run... and smell like a wet puppy...and sleep so peacefully.

I think I want to PLAY more in life and not worry about feeling it.

yeah

that is what I want.

best of luck to me in finding it.

I know I rambled tonight. But this is what I THINK and how the process goes. I am not pointing fingers at ANYONE. Just realizing the fact that IF I cannot value how I FEEL then no one else will either.
I tend to keep WAY TOO QUIET when I should not.

Did you know Amanda that I still like to watch you sleep because of the way your dreams cross your face? I did that with you and your brother when you were small.
I wanted to with Zephyr....but you guys came home early from your date. No time to let me watch.

But I would not have traded the time with you for ANYTHING