Analytical till it kills

Decipher how my emotions are playing hell with my body.

current health issue is around my heart area.

hmmm.... Let's see...

irritated at the situation that is currently occurring in my life and I have the only control to my reactions. it hurts. it is irritating because of the limitations and the patience needed to have things develop into a POSITIVE and HEALTHY relationship.

not even sure that it will continue once he has his freedom. i always seem to be the one the broken ones find.

he doesn't feel broken however and it appears that he is choosing appropriately for his best interests.
isn't that what we are ALL about?
self interests?
I want to be healthy
I want to be me without fear
I don't want to hurt emotionally


Is it really worth all of the heart ache when I look at him and know that he is the ONLY one with a key to his happiness?
I am frustrated with this because when I finally realize that I need to move on from a relationship... I will end it.

My marriage ended over 11 years ago. It was hard to come to the realization that I could not fix what the partner didn't want to continue with. I could no longer keep happiness and trust in the marriage.
I felt less than dirt because I could not do anything right and I could not feel he wanted me.

My Love is in a relationship. I am the outsider and I am afraid to move on.
insecure as hell on this....

natural instinct for me is to try to get it to end so I don't hurt.
sometimes I truly wonder what the hell my mind is here for
and why the hell do I care.

I want him free so I can explore what it is between us that makes us so electric. Give one away and take another.
That is NOT what I feel is the best in life.
I didn't seek him. It just happened.

I want to be so selfish at this time. To have his attention without seeing him worry.
to feel that I do not have to tiptoe around and hide.

mixed fonts and use of capitalization...the subtleties of my conversations in my head.
I hurt like hell physically and mentally today.

I am not sure why the need to write this. I can't stand being a side show.

I am very worth spending time to get to know and worth keeping as a friend.


Sometimes


I think that may be the only place for me is as a friend for others


I think I want to cry some more.