all things to consider

Hmmm... back surgery, loss of job, truck troubles, new puppy, finding job, Bestest Friend visiting from S. Korea.

Hehehe
been a busy girl.
I know one thing for sure.
I am happy.
I am healthy.
I do have some awesome real friends.
Learning who is an aquaintance now that used to be "on the inside" circle of Circe's world.
Amazed at my children.
Happy birthday very soon to you both!
Granson is growing by leaps and bounds.
I can still love someone without having to wait on them to grow.
I am learning too.

gosh....amazing even to me.
Marty and I have had a blast with setting up computer stuff and hanging out with each other. Talking and laughing and talking more to include his thoughts on a new life as a married man :)

All in all I am happy and good.
More a little later.

Goodness it is so cool to have someone so interested in computers and linux that he works with me on it.

the usual Happy New Year

Ya know life is different when you use a new font.

okay...now for the realness....



I am not sure what direction I really need to take at this time in my life. I have had a lot of tests emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally. I really like the calmness that is here right now doing things ONLY for me. I love all of the people I know...okay a few I don't give a care or thought to but that is NOT the norm for me.

I have not gone and hung out with people I enjoy being around because I am changing in my balances. My decisions are that I make or made SO much effort towards helping or being with others that it got TOO noisy in my head. TOO noisy in my heart.



I tend to want a relationship in my life. So I solved it the most positive way I could.

I have a puppy now. He is a boy dog (another unusual thing) and he is mixed breed.

His name is Jambalaya :)

Call him Jamba most the time





or ankle biter





or





"damn it Jamba!" when he looks AT me and decides I am not paying enough attention and pees where he knows not to.



We are geting there with me paying more attention to his signals. :) I am learning to teach him to react to me too.



This is unconditional acceptance and love. From me to him. I have something to care for that is healthy for me. He is a pretty calm pup and I have no idea what his size will end up being. He is affectionate without being whiney and needful.



My sisters like him, too!

I have not met anyone so far that has not been pleased to meet him ;)

I have a small video of him playing with his mom and it is funny to see the change in his personality. He has intelligent eyes and soft fur. He is doing well at not being noisey when I am gone for work.



I can tell if he has been patient by the smell of my home when I arrive :)

I am learning the comfort of a pet again.





Other parts of my life are limited and this frustrates me. I cannot ride my bike yet. I can walk.... I can do a stationary bike. I tire of sitting up all day. I want to climb but cannot. It is really nice not to physically hurt like I had experienced before. It is amazing and the results were fantastic for me.



I am impatient :)

Known and accepted by me finally. Organization sometimes is difficult with me and I want to be better at it



I want to change my career path and do what I FEEL good about doing. My current job is technical (which I like) but the business is going a direction I am not comfortable about experiencing.

I like what I do mentally. I am having issues being afraid for my job every day though.



I want to feel GOOD about what I do again. I will be trying to become certified in my masage therapy again. It will be a little hard because I seem to have this fear of failing. I am GOOD at my therapy sessions and share with many other licensed therapist ideas, techniques, and clients ideas of "comfort & relaxation" processes.

This has been calling me for a long time. I have the tools (or the basics of what I need), the knowledge and practicle experience.

It scares me to think I will freeze up and fail on the tests. Kinda weird.... while I remember listening to my exhusband as he told our daughter:

"Amanda...don't shut the door before you get there to walk through it."



Remember: OPEN doors ;)



I do not call a lot of people I know of late. Time is centered at home cleaning, organizing myself, getting rid of "stuff" that I have insisted on retaining even when I know it is no longer useful. I tire of hanging on to old patterns and habits :)
I am having fun learning how to excersise so I do not injure the new back hardware :0

I wonder if I will set alarms off in the airport?
hmmmm
I guess i need to ask Doc on the next visit :)
I have had a lot on my mind and there are otherconcerns. I am doing the best I think for me. Best to stay near my area due to cost of travel.

I have a job interview soon. Will be interesting to see what they think of my skills :) I surprise myself too at times LOL.
All in all it is about change. Not New Years Resolutions to be "attempted" but a serious understanding of MY boundries that are changing. My decisions only affect me. I am responsible adn want to have an easier life without stress.
Need change adn am seeking it.

I do miss Dan.
It is best though to not look back and hurt but to continue on to become strong again.

I really do enjoy me.

She without arm, he without leg

A ballet of wonderful grace.

- ballet - Hand in Hand

beautiful and awesome in the feelings i felt

humbled

Liberate my mind...

Liberate my mind...

I really LOVE this song

Lyrics are posted on the link under "lyrics" (of course)
but i thought i would post them for you anyway.

raeF....
tbuoD.....
noitarapeS.....
ecnereffidnI.....


Save me I’m falling down
Guide me I’m going blind
Relieve me before my eyes run dry
Hear me at this time


chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It's what I ask
Liberate my Mind


Protect me when I face my darkness
Let my sorrows and confusions die
Be my shield of Love when fear shows up
Be my shelter under the wicked sky


chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It’s what I ask
Liberate my Mind


Light my way for Joy and Peace
Lead me for the Gift of Divinity
Refill me with the Truth that needs to be announced
Shine through me
Liberate my Mind


chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It’s what I ask
Liberate my Mind


Lyrics: Ilonah/Mars Music: Mars

This song is available at:
iTunes.com MSNmusic.com and MP3tunes.com



I like the way the sound of the music makes me feel.

I am wondering.....

it doesn't exactly feel like christmas is coming to me. not yet anywy.
it isn't celebratory until i can see my christmas bulbs.
first time to be in a place without a fireplace.
hmmmmm
need to be creative on this.....
not sure I want to use lights.
need to reach to my minds eye and see how the time has passed at remembering my life.

Like a curtain that is opened and on display for a time.

AHA!
I have the PERFECT idea!


Later... a picture.





and something different to for me to do.

Yayayayaya...I know I write A LOT this time of year

Seems to be the only way I can get centered and not sidetracked with the thought of not fitting in

it happens

unexplained loss of sense of innate control of my surroundings
WHY do I seem to always get something serious occurring in my life EVERY holiday time of the year...usually at or near birth date.

changes occur when you get older. I perceive many things differently than I used to when I was involved.
There is much I want to still do. Responsible only for me now.
Yet I choose a dog as a companion. Mostly because I like having the feeling of responsibility.
The companion that is thrilled to see me at any moment. That wants to be there whether it is in silence and a constant touch or in play. That can just sit and listen so I can get the words out of my head
although
sometimes I think they can answer back in my head :)
who knows....maybe I'm finally losing my sense of edge. where I end and where I begin.
I think of the spirit of our world and the feelings that are shared.
I like the love and the laughter the most
the caring
the being there to listen to a healer when they need a space to feel okay about being out of control
I hear that from a lot of professional friends right now
even kind of experience the feelings myself.
freak?
possibly :) But I would NOT trade my outlook on life or on people for anything else but growth.
period
I really enjoy how I live in my heart and my mind. I wish I could do more in my soul and physical world.
I give a lot of myself in several areas that I never talk about.
It's fine cause I feel good in what I do and volunteer my skills for.

But when do you start accepting for yourself?
When there is true need of rest and healing because you can't work on others if you are not right and strong.
Noticed that this pattern is that it all still ends up in service for others
as needed.

I am tired of being alone in my head.
I was a part of something that felt wonderful in acceptance in my heart.
I am sad it is gone.
Hard thing to think someone really "gets" you and appears on the same avenue or speed of growth and willingness to explore.
I want this and I don't want this.
I am afraid if I fail I lose total connection.
So I try to end relationships then work through having them as friends...with the memory being in my heart well the romance went...but the friend stayed.
Did I always choose the same type of friend?
Nope
to much variety

Change in heart direction or fear of having to have someone in my space all the time?
I like people a lot . It just sometimes is all I need ..... to only have a body there but no words spoken. The vibration pattern of the person matters a lot though.

Heh,
tall ladder, huh?
I make it okay to be left behind .... I can accept that an other's growth is on an other's path.
I make it okay that I move on. I have others to learn of so I can understand myself deeper. My drive for doing the best I can for healing.

I want a career change again and I will be testing as soon as I can.
I am DAMN good at massage and need the license with the ability to allow me to travel around. I can take my dog with me anywhere in the world
and while he is growing up and teaching me I can learn to be conservative within my limits and assist in building strength.

Deep thoughts....
By Circe

YAY! It's a day

Today's Z news

keep reality that he is only 10 months old.
I am so pleased with how it is all trying to blend in my life

there has been loss
there had been given times of great joy
trying to find that I am my own life

and the oddest gifts of understanding

when I look on and see

Z and the family that Amanda has found in Jordan.
The precious moments of laughter

a returned gift of love
from burning hearts I know
of friends and family

laughter

all I have to give
share
and show
and even receive

Thanks to be given

Oh my goodness... to wake up excited about traveling to my daughter's in laws!
I really LOVE my "in laws" of my daughter's family.
I have NEVER felt to welcomed and wanted by an extended family. I would love to get to know Sally even more I hope. Talking with her is soothing...and beside...we have a common love: Zephyr :)

imagine that

I also am pleased at my selfless /selfish choice last night. It was a VERY long day for me out for my first REAL event.

Amanda and Zephyr were supposed to spend the night with me last night. Amanda has not seen her son in a week because the Rainey Grandparents brought him back to let Amanda and Jordan focus for a bit in the new place. Amanda has to go to California again for a week on Monday.
I also tend to over exert when totally excited.
Hey friends... I even wore makeup. :)

Zephyr is very active now at crawling and looking around
and vocal about NOT getting what he wants.
Imagine that :)
He is attached more to Jordan because of exposure time.
Another reason for my decision.

Goodness it is HARD not to pick him up.
I now understand that lifting weight tends to compress newly abused bones :)

I think that i did best for me. I will get to see the kids on Saturday when they come over in the area. I am baby sitting their dog and it is nice for his company. He actually minds me and does not tug. Walking a dog again is rather nice :)
I even let Trouble sleep in my bed with me last night :)
(hehehe my sense of humor in that.)

I really wanted to have Amanda and Z here for Mom-Daughter-Grandson time.
Amanda felt so tired. Z was frustrated at the limits of his car rides.
I hurt because I could not sit still.

I told Amanda and Jordan that I love them greatly but that I felt it best that the family STAYED together at Sally and Jerry's home.
They were all situated and Z needed stability at the moment. Travel can be hard on a person. Amanda is getting to experience that lately. She is such a homebody and now she has to leave every other week.
Personally I would LOVE it if I had no attachments at home. I like change.

I cried when I got home...but I KNOW I did right.
I had a friend stop by after he was on his way home from his family. He sat and watched a movie with me which was REALLY awesome to have happen.
I felt like I was relaxed and not having to converse and no threats of DON'T pick up Zephyr.
:)
I heard from my niece via text message
I heard from my Daddy and Mary Lou by phone.
I left messages for Jason and I think he was out of range if he went to Matt's family again.

These "holidays" are hard at times for me.
HAVING to fit into what is commercialized and pressure oriented.

Life is changing dramatically for me.

I had the BEST TIME with my sister Annavee the other day.
She came over and took me grocery shopping..then came home and cooked all day for me while friends had come over to visit with me.
SOME OF THE BEST FOOD in a long time by family members now sit in my freezer.
I love Annavee and I thank her SO MUCH for the selflessness of her giving to me in a time of my needs with physical limitations...for now :)
My sister Jacque had me at her home for 2 days after the hospital. I don't remember too much except for trying to not move and sleeping a lot.
A sweet friend Tia has assisted with most of the care giving at first and driving me too and from.
My friend Linda has been by here everyday checking on me.
I have a neighbor Lee ...I do not know her but EVERYDAY at 10 am she made me lunch and brought it to my door..... EVERYDAY.
Thanks to all for the selfless giving of time.

I really had the best Thanksgiving because I KNOW I was wanted and thrilled to be there.
I always have a place at Sally and Jerry's for every holiday.
I have NO issue with that...beside

My apartment is too small for such wonderful family times.
My sisters have their extended families too.
Actually....ALL of my family does. Never thought of that before.
Jason and I are the only 2 singles in my family.

However

We are NOT the only ones and I give thanks for all of my family...extended, physical, and chosen.

me

me and my world at this moment

This is Jambalaya. I will probably call him Jamby.
He is a mix breed born on Nov 1 JUST before I left for the hospital. I look forward to his time becoming my companion. He is a sweet little thing.

THIS is what it looks like me working from my proper reclining position for now.

EGADS I hate to sit. HEY.... I need a recliner at work. Not an ergonomic upright.

and yes that is a sheepskin I rest upon

I'm working on it

Finally getting a feel for what I CANNOT do right now :)
DAMN do I feel it.
But it doesn't mean that I won't try again soon...but maybe in a different way.

All in all it is confortable now with a backrest loaned to me by the Poole family.
Working from home is a little rough at the time it takes for me to set up...but that will get a rhythym in time.

Thank you to all that visit cook clean help drive talk and type to me.
Correct. No commas. No periods. it seems to be all inclusive at times :)

I LOVE that my sense of humor is here again

• .Interesting Human Body Facts
• -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm
• -A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball
• - It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• -One human hair can support 3kg.
• - Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
• -The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
• -The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
• - A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• - If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
• - Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair
• -There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• - Side by side, 20,000 cells from the human body could cover about one inch.
• - Women blink twice as much as men.
• -The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
• - When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. . . . ..they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
• - It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.
• -You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
• -Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• - If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
• -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

You checked out the length of your thumb.. Didn't you?

A while ago but it brings GREAT fun to my mind

A wonderful sunny Sunday afternoon and friends being goofy.

08 25 2006

Miss ya Marty

It was the music and the laughter.....

ugh

i hate what I have just went through. Total FEAR.
i love that there is no pain however except the healing pains.

Amazing
latest picture of Zephyr!

He reminds me to taste everything in life. I may not like it all but taste it anyway!

I am getting there.

I know there is a lot I don't talk about to family or friends. I do love you all.

I have internet at home now because I have to work from home while I heal. same email as before :)

LOVE!

oh

and remember to taste ALL of life ;)

here I am

i still do not like hospitals

This place is nice however. As soon as I get to my sisters' home, I will write more.
At this time I am very very tired and keep fading too much to write.
Feel free to call me if you find you have time?

Later!

Circe

oh NO!!! but possibilities abound for afterwards

Surgery scheduled this 11/1, thursday, @ 6 am @ baylor in frisco. Lower
lumbar fushion and stablization of L5-S1. TTFN
wheeeeeee




not

lookiong forward to the relief though.


:-*

Log in from cell?

I would enjoy this.

it WAS my birthday when I read this email

Saturday, October 20, 2007



Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,

Happy Birrrrthday Dear Circe,

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!



A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Circe Vogel doesn’t come along all that often. In fact, there’s never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You’re an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.



Quite simply:



You’re the kind of person, Circe,

Who’s hard to forget,

A one-in-a-million

To the people you’ve met.

Your friends are as varied

As the places you go,

And they all want to tell you

In case you don’t know:

That you make a big difference

In the lives that you touch,

By taking so little

And giving so much!



Circe, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn’t know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of Birthdays and an exciting new year in time and space. You won’t be alone!



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Circe!



Mike
Orlando, Florida , USA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thant was nice from a stranger.
Interesting yes?

Life has had too many changes of late.
Dan no longer looks at me as a girlfriend and I am not sure avbout friends at all at this point.
All of you know me.
I look for the ones that make an effort to talk to me.
Avoidance can close doors fast.

THERE IT IS:
no calls : no contact : no response : I won't attempt to bother you again.

Friends make time to at least talk, right?
So I sit here wondering heavily about "friends"

I discovered that I have few REAL friends.
A lot of people I know.
I think I need to be very discerning from this point forward.
Yes I hurt at this loss.

more thna I have ever hurt before.
If this is what LOVE is about....thanks but no thanks.

Yes I am angry and yes I am FINALLY letting it go.

Other things...I am looking into surgery because of the insurance changing and I cannot afford to go through all of this again to have the deductible go higher at this time.

I loved every single call I got from my family.
I adored every single card I received.There are a few friends that came to see me.
Bob and Sharon came with dinner, groceries, and a very tiny perfectly made triple chocolate mousse caked for my birthday.
Only cake this year and it was PERFECT!
Tia came by.
Linda came by and assisted in my house work that I could not do at the moment.
My friend Shelley took me to a museum.
Brian came by for a little bit to introduce me to his girlfriend.
Bday with those friends was fantastic.

thank you to those who accept me as ME.
UNCONDITIONALLY

The rest of you?
dunno

sometimes I sits and thinks......

I get the most wonderful sense of peace when I just "sits and thinks". Times of holding my grandson as he sleeps are most comforting when I hurt so deeply and am confused.

I know I haven't been the best about my bills. I have gotten them down to not being very much in retrospect.
I found out today I have only 11 months left on a very long time car payment.
Yippee!
I applied for a part time job today. I also want to get my certification on massage therapy. So I am looking at school. A very specified school and it may take me a while to complete as I have to do evenings and work out the one weekend day I will have to attend all day on. That MAY make a possible part time employer not to easy to find. We will see about it.
I always get nervous about my bills. I always seem to cut it SO close. I am REALLY tired of it. I do not think I will ever make excellent money in the technology world.
I really don't know what I will be successful at.
One of the guys I work with made a statement to me today. He was telling his fiancé last night about something I had done. Or knew or something like that. She asked Randy If there was anything I COULD NOT do.
I replied of course there is. I don't choose to think that way though. I know I can overcome any roadblock. I can learn anything adn I really can go anywhere I choose.

I just wish what I really hoped for and love was where I was headed.
It isn't anymore.

Work is work.
Driving is driving.
Hold Zephyr is WONDERFULLY cheering.
Talking to my kids is a blessing each time I hear their voices.
With the daughter, son-in-law and grandson about to move to Austin, there really isn't much here for me to do but work. I go see my sisters occasionally but gas has gotten to expensive for that often. I go to see my Mother and Step-Dad but still gas is really expensive.
I have to do some maintenance on my truck that I cannot afford yet. I am dealing with a lot of medical bills right now that was unexpected ...COMPLETELY.

The doctor that injected my back said that the medication may last up to 6 weeks or a little more if I am lucky. I had an adjustment done at a community event and I have not had any pain since.... until this morning. Noticed a twinge but it is more than likely related to loss of sleep. All night I got only 2 hours sleep.
Events kept running through my head. I have to take some really heavy medication to sleep and it didn't even phase me last night. Or rather not long enough.

IF I manage to keep my place in Addison that will be wonderful. I like it. It's smaller than I have had before. But it is only me. Always only me.

Sometimes I wonder why.

Then decide it isn't worth the tears and I have to carry on.

sad sad sad

what was to be the greatest gift has turned to vapors.
I never learned I guess.

looking for new job and new place to live.
maybe a new state if successful.
I know I react emotionally.
I cannot stand the feelings in my heart at this time.
Relocating is the better option.


I guess.