what do you do?

You get back up

awesome video on YouTube

it's amazing

So unlike me to just stand still.
:)
Many know this of me. Constant change and learning and extremes of emotion.
I am HAPPY though right now.

I don't know if I CAN resign a lease on my apartment because I do not have a job lined up yet for after February. I have school set to go. (thank you Bob Klug for assisting me in registration.)
I actually was able to do some Christmas shopping and I am pleased that I stuck to a strict budget. Even though I saw more "things" I stuck with what I thought was needed..... except one gift for Zephyr :)

My bestest friend in the world, Marty, has become a grandfather! WOOT!!! The twin girls are 2 months premature but breathing on their own and doing well. Mom and Dad are well, also.

I am trying to stay sane at the office. Not easy when I see all the stress that is going into support of a product that they have too few people to work on it. I really feel for one manager that took the offer to move to MA. He will be very lost on the product for a few months. He was on the other side of the tech support. Now he is trying as fast as he can to learn what I do. It took 6 months to get a grasp of what I do....and that was a hard learning curve.

My parents are all well...at this moment. :)
My son is doing good in college and has NO idea of how proud of him I am. He has grown tremendously in attitude and in determination.
My daughter is awesome in her life as teh breadwinner and a mom.
My niece is in her own apartment again! I am proud at how she has survived some really hard choices in her life.

My dog is still growing! He is doing well at commands though and soon I will have a blast letting him run the trails while I ride my bike with others.
So far we ride/run solo because he gets distracted a bit. :)
Such a child ;)

Christmas is gonna be okay. I get to have Zephyr spend a night with me over the holidays and then I return him to his parents.

A most amazing gift of friendship: My truck needs some more repairs but I cannot afford to do it. (transmission this time) My friends Robin and Keith have loaned me a truck until I can get my truck fixed! Awesome. Safe to drive. Fabulous loan. :) I will feel very safe traveling with Zephyr now. I think he will LOVE the sun roof! My friend Joe gave me a digital picture frame and I have ALL of the kids on it.
Nice to just sit and watch the pictures change. Nice to remember all the times.
I received a TON of pre-cut material for quilts to be made too!
I have projects and things to do. I look forward to clearing up more "junk" in my life.

Amazing... I sing all the time now and I don't sound half bad to myself!

I know people are into the gift thing at Christmas.
Me?
I like to see the surprise on a face to see how hard I thought on them and what was NEEDED.
Okay..... there were a couple of "they really wanted..."

I am happy and calm. Best thing I have felt in 3 years.

LOL

what else can you do?

Time slips up on me so fast of late.
Yes, there are concerns about how to deal with some of the events coming my way....but a man I have met at my job gave me some wonderful advice...

"Sometimes the best avenue to follow is to just laugh."

It has eased some of the tensions.

I am concerned that because I have worked so much lately catching up and taking care of bills from the first half of the non working year that I am not able to finish my hand made items for Christmas....so odd things will be purchased...and I will send the hand made things on as I can.
TO EVERYONE...

I am concerned that on Feb 29th I will be unemployed again. I have already started looking and interviewing....and my truck keeps breaking...which has become a stress point that is unbelievable.

I can't do a whole lot but work as it comes right now.
Learning learning learning is what I want to do. Currently attempting to get some funding to get to the classes I so desperately need to change my career. I want to do my massage full time and I want to specialize it for the medical field. Seems fairly solid to go the medical career direction. I know that there are classes starting soon.... I hope I can get the funding together (looking into school loans for this too!).

Jambalaya loves the cold weather! My ski clothes have come in handy lately :) I have some kick-ass memories of learning to ski and going skiing with dearly loved friends....and deeply missed friends. A few wonderful pictures are in that, too.

It always makes me smile when I go through my pictures.

I guess not many really know what all I do in my life. I decided to make a hell of a change in it and I withdrew....Yes, Marty, I am fine. I needed to move away from those folks that sent my emotions into roller coaster rides. I do miss a very select few....but they have no further 'need' of my presence in their lives either.

I am calm and I smile a lot now. I even caught myself singing again :)

I look forward to seeing my kids and my grandson.
I don't stay long in too many places unless I feel balanced. Even visiting my exhusband and his wife Toni is not too bad :) I enjoy the conversations and watching them interact together is a fascinating entertainment! They are truly "cute" together.

I have worries but so far I know that it is because I have no control on the outcome of others decisions.
If I feel insecure about a situation or find myself wanting to be angry for some unknown unbalanced way, I don't stick around or I don't go.
So far that has been only 3 times in the last 4 months.
That is not a bad average if you ask me.

I walk Jambalaya almost every night with a nice guy lately. He moved into the apartment complex a few months ago. It is nice talking to him. He is actually younger than me...

by 27 days! LOL

Linda and I walk often, too. I have been reading a tremendous amount because it is free or very cheap to do. My TV is about to die so that movies from my apartment office will no longer be viewed as often. We shall see what the New Year brings in for me. I ride my bike solo again and Jambalaya is getting pretty good at following along.

LOL
I haven't been taken into the Trinity River at least. Pahsha was famous for doing that with me :)
LOL
I gotta get ready for work to end and say good bye to some very interesting people.
Maybe one or two will stay in touch. Maybe.
LOL
Time to get things sealed for my Christmas. I like looking at how others have decorated.
ME? No decorations. Not many come to visit me. It is okay though... I am getting more stuff that is never used out of my little location. Maybe easier to move if I have to after January and I determine If I can afford to keep my apartment.

LOL
God knows I don't enjoy moving anymore....


But look kids!
I AM smiling though.

I have enjoyed reading the most. My daughter has started writing again on her blog and it is so very interesting at her ability to write and see the workings of her world. A couple of friends (real friends) have asked me why she doesn't write professionally. I dunno. Maybe it is because her views are honestly what she sees....not trying to convince others how to see. She is talented in several ways.
My son is amazing :) He is doing GREAT in college that he is paying for! Learning how to deal with his life and making progress in living. HE simple makes me comfortable. Loved.
My niece, Chandra is getting on with her life nicely. Don't see or her from her much but that was to be expected :) She has her new home and a new boy in her life.

LOL
It seems that life will always move forward while I watch to see how time changes everything.

where oh where has my little dog gone....

because he is HUGIFEROUS!!!

Yep, Jambalaya turned 1 on November 1st. God, a Scorpio temperament as such as I have never dealt with :)
Actually he does remind me of Leslie in a lot of ways.
He will bring me all kinds of toys. He is protective to a point but pretty happy when on an adventure. He is a tad skittish of strangers...today he actually growled a little at one of my neighbors. She is gay and rides a motorcycle. He did sniff her though. THAT is a start :)
Soon as she tosses a ball for him he will be fine :)

70+ pounds he is now. We were walking yesterday morning. Slow walk because I have been sick as sin since Thursday night. Feeling better today (thank you for asking, by the way)
Anyway... we were walking on the back side of the apartment complex along this retaining wall (Jamba insists on walking on top of it) and POOF* he takes of right and I follow with feet flying in the air.
All I could do was do a push up to get my hips under me instead of being bent on the retaining wall. Sit upright and start laughing.

It has been a long while since A) I was so weak that my dog could pull me that hard B) musta been a sight to see me flying off my feet with Jamba chasing a squirrel and C) I laughed that hard.

I did do a little testing on Jambalaya's pull-ability
HE can do a hard pull of 150 lbs. That is a HUGE amount for me to control at times. I have learned to not have a lead attached to me on my bike :)
Jambalaya does really well following (sorta ziggy zaggy) ...okay, he likes to lead. Trust me when he is tired he will stop. Sit in the middle of the trail and stare at me in my eyes like "you CRAZY old woman! STOP!!!" After a few minutes he is ready to run again. :)

He cuddles me at night safely guarding my feet and knees from hidden night dangers. Sometimes I hear him sigh deeply like I do....ahhh, FINALLY sleeping! Then he gets down and rests on his bed. I think it is so he can look out the window at night to make sure the local area is safe.
Jambalaya LOVES Zephyr very much! Z will chase him and they play tag. So far, Jamba has not knocked him over which WILL be a site to see :) Zephyr will let Jamba kiss him for a little while...then he is off running and chasing the dog again :) Z loves to hug and pet Jambalaya. Jambalaya tries to approach all the kids he sees...looking for a fun time and pets and rubs. He is big though and it scares some little ones that have not been raised with dogs.

Steve and Toni are bring Z home today with them for a little "pre-visit" on the holiday. I hope that there is a way that I get to see him, too. Jambalaya needs his boy time, too. I cannot take Jambalaya over there to Steve and Toni's. They have 3 adorable kitty cats and their home could not deal with Jambalaya's ability to reach ANYTHING he is curious about :)

To look at the previous years pictures of Jambalaya and to see him today. Amazing at how the pup has just gotten swallowed up by a beautiful non shedding coat and need to RUN from sleeping all the time at my feet or on my lap. Oh yeah... Jambalaya thinks he is the size of Grace (Annavee's long haired Chihuahua) so you will find him CONSTANTLY perched on the arms of my couch. Kinda reminds me of the Peanut's cartoons and watching Snoopy hanging off his doghouse.

Jambalaya is a wonderful companion for me. He is excited to see me always. He is willing to go anywhere I wish to go. He loves for me to touch him and love on him. He even understands when I need to just sit and think. All in all I am glad he is in my life for as long as his heart will beat. All he wants to do is play which seems to be a "thinking" of mine. Come on! Let's PLAY!
I do it with my grandson and I can do that with my dog.

Although SOME of the walks don't exactly look like play :)

Considerations

Reading Jobs - Overall Outlook for Surrounding Area

According to the most recent government statistics, there are 818,283 Reading jobs. Jobs in Reading's Private Sector make up the majority of employment with 733,516 jobs in the Reading, MA surrounding area (Middlesex County). This accounts for 89.64% of the Reading jobs market. The rest of the market comprises Local Government employment totaling 58,953 jobs, which is 7.2% of the Reading workforce. State Government and Federal Government make up 12,794 (1.56%) and 13,020 (1.59%) Reading jobs respectively.

To get an idea of the opportunity, there are 47,455 employers in Reading. The Private Sector includes 46,397 firms, which make up 97.77% of companies hiring in Reading. In other sectors, 721 Local Government employers (1.52%), 147 State Government employers (0.31%), and 190 Federal Government employers (0.4%) hire workers in the Reading vicinity.

The average weekly wage in Reading, MA is $1,176, which translates to $61,152 annually. Private Sector wages are $1,192 per week or roughly $61,984 per year, on average. Local Government wages are $917 per week or $47,684 per year. State Government wages are $1,019 per week or $52,988 per year. Federal Government wages are $1,339 per week or $69,628 per year.

===================================================================

This is what I have to consider.

My company is closing down the office here in Texas. I have an offer to move to Reading, MA by January.... or accept a severance package and look for work here.

Research shows that the earnings there are more than I make here.

Cost of living there is expensive for a single individual. Makes roommate situations a must.

I think I need to research a job here.

Zephyr and Jordan take flight

This past Friday, Jordan and Zephyr had a most wonderful adventure together!
Father and Son had their FIRST airplane ride!

Amanda's stepmother and father went with them all for the wonderful moment of flight :)
Rachael ( Toni's daughter) works at McKinney airport. She was able to get a ride for the "boys" along with momma! The Cessna ride was a HIT!
The family also got a tour of a helicopter (Medivac I think)
Zephyr would not go into a helicopter until he saw his Papa sitting in it first :) Steve I believe was thrilled to accomplish the task. Amanda reported that all day all Z would enlighten EVERYONE to was "I was on a PLANE!!!!"

Zephyr loves airplanes and always searches for them in the air. I hear that Jordan has been bitten by the flight bug too :)

I am so thankful that the extended family is so into bringing happy moments to each other. Rachael.....what a wonderful young woman you have grown into being.
To think of such an adventure.... I am clapping my hands at how thrilled Zephyr and Jordan were about it. I loved hearing Z say "where is the plane? All gone?" on Sunday :)
Always looking for the sound of the engine to guide his sight to something that may become a love of his.

Thank you for the wonderful smiles I got to see in the video.
Thank you for sharing :)

something GOOD

http://www.earthclinic.com

ENJOY YOUR HEALTH

at home

Amazing how much time I spend at home now.

Tomorrow I am working at a party as a Tarot Reader....haven't done that in a few months.... reading publicly that is.

I come home from work... walk my dog... read or sew... watch a little TV.... and go to bed.
Pretty boring.
Is okay for the most part because I am quiet. Not much singing or dancing anymore.

I am peaceful though.
Tomorrow morning or Sunday morning I am to have a call from Marty for a coffee date. I sent him some foofy creamer and some books. :) I am looking forward to this.

I got to see my grandson for a few hours on Sunday *last Sunday* and 30 minutes on Wednesday. I seem to get out of work to late when he is here and he goes to bed early as a child should.

I miss him dearly. He is growing so very fast.

I think a lot.
I don't cry anymore.
I walk and take care of my responsibilities as I should.

So why is life silent, sad and boring except for the little glimmers that occasionally happen?

I guess DRAMA happens elsewhere these days

and that is fine.


Maybe this is what was meant when I was told "that one day I would live in silence."

consider this

No matter where you are at this moment in time there are others slowly seeing you migrate into someone that you wish or work on being.
They have a sight of who you think you are.

Trust your closest friend to be entirely honest with you in how your actions can be perceived.

Yes you will go through painful emotional involvements.
Yes there are people that you will never see or know again.
Memories

Those are so precious.
Laughter will fill my heart.

I realize that I may never meet a man that will share my hopes and dreams and curious quests in my lifetime and be my companion and cohort.

I have my family and that is WONDERFUL.

Family can be chosen. Friends are valuable with the same amount of honesty and heart as I love my family.

I wait for no one to come into my life because there are precious ones here already.

Happy Birthday...to me!

Yep! 49 today!

All in all I think it will be a wonderful day!
I went to my sister Annavee's house and painted some baseboards yesterday.
Annavee and Jacque are my younger sisters and both had a birthday recently too!
Annavee on the 17th (she is the middle child) and Jacqueline on the 18th (she's the baby child!)
Now that EVERYONE is caught up... :)

Last night my friend Joe took me out for dinner for my birthday. We went to Truluck's. He knows I adore seafood! Man it was a hard choice. BUT.... There was a appetizer that was something I have never tried before. Brazilian Pachu Fish Ribs. This was delicious! A cousin of the Parana's and it tasted like: PORK!!! Hehehe is was made with a bar-b-que sauce and grilled watermelon (interesting!) and a delightful coleslaw. Next was a delightful and tasty Pablano Pepper soup which I will figure out! I had a fantastic Lobster (10-12 oz) from Australia. (yes I know it is a SIN to waste the opportunity of having a FRESH main Lobster that was flown in today) with Parmesan and garlic mashed potatoes (NEVER as smooth as Sally Rainey's) and grilled Asparagus. Then came dessert that was a chocolate souffle served like I have never had before! It was made with the center being liquid chocolate.
Had 2 glasses of Vouvray Wine (Chardonnay) and a Tawney Port with desert.
It was WONDERFUL!

So the rest of the day is starting but I wanted to say GOOD MORNING AMERICA!!!

Zephyr and his drum solo debute

Coming home from the Austin Zoo (means the Austin Animal Rescue) was more than just a car ride.

Amanda's Blog beat me to the film!

It was a truly marvelous adventure :)

Home again Home again...jiggity jig

Got back last night from Austin. I really love that city :) Unfortunately my job doesn't allow for constant telecommutes :)

There are more friendly people there than I have EVER met in Dallas and I have been here since I was 5 & 1/2.
My daughter asked me when I was moving down with a huge smile on her face.
I am not, Honey Girl. My job unfortunately is in Dallas.

Doesn't stop me from searching. No longer tied down to a pseudo relationship that was all my own doing. Unrealized unconfirmed emotions that I set up for my own emotional hell and I FINALLY got it.

Too damn old to trust that scene again. It is amazing at how much love you can FEEL and see in a child's smile and attempts to converse.

Zephyr does NOT like for you to "make up words" to converse with him. He is gaining several words a day. This weekend I was in Austin to babysit him for my Daughter and Son in Law's 4th Anniversary. Considering they have been together for 10 years already... It was a rather calm but fun weekend. So cool that they enjoy cards and dominoes games. Scrabble was the hit last time. I LOVE scrabble!
I did really well with the dominoes and Jordan was the big winner at Uno!

I got to talk to my son, Jason, on the way down. He has a girlfriend and she sounds really nice! Even into gaming like he is. That means a lot! She is also attending college within her close proximity of home in FL. Jason is doing really well at school and at his job.

Jambalaya is getting huge :)

I am not sure I want to attend Myschievia. That is a first.
Thinking on it.
I know I am carrying a rider...but my main concern is MY emotional health.
PERIOD.

Home is where the heart is, isn't it?
I want to continue on my path of self reliance and sustainability. It may be that I end up having to work that weekend, too.
We went through a LOT of recent changes in my office and there were several that did not make the continued employment.

I find out today what the situation is at the office and then all decisions will be made.
I may end up moving ... I may end up staying.

Who knows?
Who besides me really cares anyway?

My children do that is for sure.

and again... yesterday as I was telling Zephyr "I love you" for his nap and my drive towards Dallas....

"Bye bye, Grannie love you" was clearly stated back.
God, he is growing fast. 20 months old and already has the brightest eyes of sky blue.
He has great understanding at his limited level of sharing heart felt love. He smiles and is entertained with laughter. He blinks so seriously at you when learning a new concept (read IE: potty training). His joy and applause at a job "well done!" and the delightful heart that sings when he is singing or drumming or laughing with you.

I know, it maybe grandmother syndrome but it is something I can say with great joy.
I did well raising my children. They are starting their own families now. They are showing love to themselves and to those that matter the most to them.
It was a wonderful walk and talk with Amanda and hearing the confirmation that she is glad to have her momma back again. "I was worried about you Momma. You were always in emotional trauma when with "him" and I am really glad to have you back and happy."

Yep, Kiddo,,,,, so am I. Glad to be me again.
It isn't that love isn't supposed to be in your life.


It is that love is supposed to be balanced and equal.

and SPECIAL feelings arise....

Tonight...my grandson Zephyr the marvelous wonder said

"Bye bye Grannie"
He blew me kisses over the webcam and told me that wonderful statement.
Amanda says that is the first time he has said that.
I wish I had been recording it :)

I think my heart is gonna melt.

=D

occasional self doubt

Ever feel like you chose the wrong career, relationship, and possibly the wrong life?

When self doubt hits I find I totally withdraw.

Okay, I know a lot of stuff. Mental capacity is very good and active.
I am not that talkative normally.
Spiritually I question why I insist on learning over and over that no one sees occurrences the way I do. Nor do many look further inside to see the future for themselves or others.
Just remember that to see the future means you do not get to skip the in between emotions.

I really am not sure where I am at this moment. I woke with the words coming out of my mouth "get out of my head Dan. YOU were not invited"
Now that is a weird way to wake up.

I am not sure I really know what is best for me in a job. I like technology because it makes my mind work. Search, repair, digest, grow, and requires logical function. (Yes I can be very logical)

It does not however make me feel happy, giving, laughter filled, and thankful for being human.
My other work is what I adore. Massage heals. Not only does it help others but it helps me. HUMAN contact.
I miss hearing that someone feels good around me.

I have sat alone thinking for over a month. I have gone and visited a few people.
I am not even sure that I am wanted in any place.
It used to be the commotion of people around me was entertaining. I watch many that are lost now.

There is a balance in spiritual living where you understand that all are not lost but only searching a way to find their value.
Why is it that the human is so ego centric that they forget the reality of emotional pain sometimes needs to be listened to? I don't really need to be heard as words have been released and sent the way of smoke and prayers (I guess that is the best descriptive word I know of at the moment).

There was comfort in a few true friends being around. Yes distance does not mean you are not there for my need of communication, but it is less satisfying to my physical reality.
There is sadness that it was a liar that I fell into. I fell into lying to myself that it was real.
THAT really upsets me.

Yeah, future sight does not mean you get to see for yourself in all things.
I am still processing my choices in life. One reason I am physically here.

I just wish I felt the confidence again at this moment.
I have a good job. I worry that I am not smart enough though at the moment.
Frustrations tend to cause me self doubt.

I don't look forward to spending the rest of my life living alone.
Sorry guys, I don't like it.
I prefer to live around and with others in my home.
Yeah there may be differences and issues... but there are others there to talk to me instead of always being in my head. I think the silence is worse and I am forcing it on myself daily of late.

I can and do pay all of my bills. BY MY OWN SELF.
I am self sufficient but I really dislike being in a house by myself.

and no...a dog does not count.

there isn't much to say

Life is about learning and caring
Sometimes the hardest thing (or for me at least) is to let you go onto your own path.
Not that I see things more clearly.
I just see the potentials of the future in odder moments. There are always more choices.

Potential is not what is the reality but what could be a reality. Choices.

I kissed an old friend last night and it was nice.

Remember kissing many.
I want to find one that kisses my heart.

I am not ready to be in any relationship that involves my heart again (except for my family) but I know eventually I may do that.

silly woman....
Tricks are for kids.

Life is supposed to be fun and I wonder sometimes why I fear it. Why do I think I have to be alone so much.

I miss talking and laughter.
I miss cuddles even more.

a funny ....

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The stewardess responded to the little boy, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then,' the flight attend replied, 'tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you!

not only stormy weather...

but family health

My Step dad, Michael, had a heart attack yesterday. He was flown into Dallas by Care Flight.
I was informed by my niece that he is okay. This morning I talked to Amanda and she informed me he had surgery last night. 2 blocked arteries (90%) and the surgery went really well.

My niece is the "key" this time.
Amanda is right, Chandra is a LOT like her momma :)
WONDERFUL attribute I think.

Jason called me last night and it was WAY COOL to hear about his studies and his grades. The kid is, has, always will be, one that helps those that have a hard time understanding things.
Used to watch him do that all through his school years. He quietly divulged information and then was SO PROUD to be recognized for it. He is rather intelligent if at times a little distant. He is emotional at times....

and I would not want him to change a bit! I love Jason just the way he is. Always have. I remember long cuddles and talks with him. He was, and still is, gentle.

My Step dad, Michael (who is affectionately know as "god" - as in Good Ole Dad) will have a time with Momma I am sure. She can be really strong when needed...but her emotions will be touchy for a while.
HEY
Maybe they will eat better ;) Momma still does all the cooking for them. A very old fashioned wife. I think that they will be just fine.

Momma sounds good on the phone so I am not worried :)
She just talked to me and I am PLEASED to hear her voice.
Good news from the doctors and he will be getting to go home on Monday afternoon.

Amanda and Jordan are in town this weekend with Zephyr. They have very close friends moving to Taos, NM this weekend.
Today we were to all meet up at my sister Jacque's home for a family gathering. Includes Steve and Toni! I think that is AWESOME!!!!!
Even though we divorced...I never meant for him NOT to be in with the family. There were a lot of years and the kids.... and I know Steve was missed. He loves Toni and that (if it were the only thing) makes her valuable. Besides the "in common" people are:
Amanda, Jason, and Zephyr ...of course this includes Jordan :)

MY family is still HIS family, too. I am pleased that we have both grown.
It is hard sometimes when memory comes along and then I view events as they are now.
It's all good.


I wish my Momma and Step dad could be there.....but totally understandable :)
Healing from heart surgery takes precedence.
I wish I had listened to my inner voice about going out last weekend when I had Zephyr with me. But the baby really was tired and I did what was best. Beside...Michael will be here for a while longer I bet :)

It's an interesting perspective when you realize that family is more precious. When you talk to them regularly it doesn't become "invasive feeling" like it used to when so very young.

Did you know that I LOVE the rain and the storms?
It is amazing to watch it all happen and to smell the rain.

I feel clean.

I feel at peace today.

gak

gawd....

tummy upset again!

Guess the intestinal virus is gonna have its way with me yet!
Home today after 1 PM and I am BORED. Can't concentrate long enough to work on line...or do anything!
Jamba looks worried.
I feel worried.
gak gak akgkga

there much better.

I hope it isn't contagious to animals :|
Jamba will be so upset by the time I get home from work if it is... he hates having "issues" in his kennel.

Rain is nice :)
I know it can be overloaded on our cities...but ya know what? It wasn't a HUGE thing before TV... it happens in nature... it is part of life.

I am doing well at the job :) I really like the place.
Unfortunate my manager has to learn that when I don't feel good my sense of humor goes completely away.
I warned everyone today I did not feel good and wanted them to stay as far as they could from me.

I wonder how my son is doing in Orlando? I have not been able to catch him of late either. :)
He told me the other day he was busy STUDYING!!! :)
So nice to hear :)
he is in college by his own means! Not many kids do that these days.
Amanda is well and so is Jordan... of almost 4 years marriage soon.
:) (Oct 3)
Zephyr is getting bigger and more talkative!
hehehe, serves Amanda right...but I worry for Jordan and his ears ;)

I am starting to have a decent interactive relationship with Stephen and Toni. I really hope that they get more comfortable with me just being me.
Momma is doing well My stepdad is out of his job. :(
I heard that my Dad and stepmother got a Prius :) to travel the country in instead of the tour bus :)
otherwise..my sisters are in Wylie and doing well.

Maybe I need to buy a house again.....stir things up a bit :)

Zephyr amoungst us

how awesome it is to get to watch you sleep

I thank you, Amanda and Jordan, for allowing me to bring Zephyr up to Dallas last Monday.
I know Steve and Toni enjoyed the time with him. A lot of compliments that he is SO good.... and yes he is! I am also amazed at his behavior and social skills :)

He was a delight to get on Friday night. I learned that he can open up containers of yogurt rather easily :0

He did really well putting up with getting to bed a little late on Friday night. Darn it all! I tried but HAD to get milk for him to have in the morning :)
Saturday he woke with giggles and talking up a storm to Jambalaya. Jambalaya LOVES having Z around. Z can run rather well after him through the apartment and loves to hug him and pet him. Tossing toys for the puppy to bring back to his eager hands. Zephyr doesn't like his face and fingers licked though. He giggles when Jambalaya is kissing his feet :)

Later Saturday morning we went back to the store to get some food items for me...and new shoes that blink and a musical instrument barrage for you to enjoy at your home :) Zephyr did really well at learning to blow the harmonica. He had a blast with the real drum and drumsticks. The tambourine isn't there yet...soon enough I am sure. The maracas at least are small enough to be rather quiet (and they are great for using on the tambourine).
We played with the car track set from Gammy and Papa. The hot wheels did not come out since I was concerned that Jamba would try to eat one. The aquadoodle was a little big among all the other stuff so it sat in it's box, too.
We went and swam after his nap and discovered MANY airplanes flying over our heads from the nearby airport. Cavanaugh Air Museum was doing a lot of flying yesterday and they moved close enough to the ground for great visual entertainment and lots of "oohhh WOW" moments.
then there were long walks with the puppy and Grannie learning to use the stroller cause Zephyr's legs get tired at trying to run so much!
Visiting the neighbor next to Grannie, his name is Rich, and jumping off of the porch into grass to roll around in. Zephyr had a lot of fun showing rich how to dance to the fantastic blues music he was playing rather nice and loud :)
Another long walk with Jambalaya at night. We also learned how to "click our heels" to light up our path with flashing shoes.
Our bath time was not so fun as he didn't like me taking the cup away to rinse his hair. Found out he likes pouring the water over his head by ALL by himself! We even talked to Auntie Chandra for a bit and showed her the new music we could make.



I know the video is a bit jerky.... but Zephyr moves like the wind! (smirk)
He also likes to kiss the video camera when trying to kiss Auntie Chandra =D
~~~
A little restless in his dreams Saturday night. He tossed, turned and talked in his sleep. Worried poor Jambalaya a bit as the puppy whistled his concern a few times.
Never have heard Jambalaya do that before :)

I think Zephyr was beginning to miss his normal routines of Momma and Daddy.
Missed his stars at night I noticed, too. He keep pointing to the ceiling saying "ON".

Sunday morning he woke up at 7 and with a HUGE "HI" that made me laugh out loud. We had breakfast on Grannie's porch while the puppy was on his long metal lead. Z had fun shrieking at Jamba as he chased him until Grannie goes "sshhhh" then we were more quiet. :)
Next thing, Jamba started barking and Zephyr looked at him, very seriously, and went "sshhh".

A little fussy this morning and I then decided to watch another movie. Lion King had Z talking a lot! He likes the lion's roar. He was beginning to start to nap again when.....
Excitement!
Momma came through the door!
We got to tell her of saying "Tigger" but he would not repeat it for her to loudly as we had more things on our minds at this time.
Grannie had most things ready...except for the bed... and a few toys that were waiting for entertainment value.
The travel bed is gonna stay here so it can be ready for the next visit to the Grandparents that live so far away from his home.
We got to load up the car and watch Grannie try not to cry (cause Zephyr started crying when Grannie was saying goodbye) as Momma was signing "I Love You" out the window.

Wow...Grannie still bites her lip like a little girl in trouble when trying not to cry.

A wonderful call from Momma so that Grannie knows she is loved as the family drives off to go back to normal life. I am sure Daddy will be thrilled that his son is still alive and well...and has new instruments to jam along with him while Jordan is playing music.


IT WAS A WONDERFUL THING TO GET TO TRAVEL WITH THE Z-MAN
He made a long car trip home very fun with all of his songs, talk, and "Ooohhh WOW!" sounds.

Even spitting in my truck was entertaining. The inside needed a bath anyway.

Thank you Amanda and Jordan for letting me bring him up to Dallas.
I know that he is as precious to you both. Just as you both were to the grandparents when we allowed you to go on trips with. So very long ago.

I greatly enjoyed getting to watch him sleep. I loved watching movies with him and listening to him talk about what he saw. He does say a lot of words...just in a rush to get them all out at once.
If you repeat them correctly...you get a big "YEAH!".

By the way.... what EXACTLY does "Doo das" mean?
He laughs a lot on the word :) Bending over and laughing with his mouth open.

Oh yeah... Rich was amazed at how smart he is for 20 months. So much into the telling him of "how it is" while music is playing. Rich said he would learn how to dance like Zephyr does so he can join in on the fun.
There were MANY compliments on Zephyr's behavior from my neighbors. Many amazed looks at him only being 20 months old. They thought he acted older :)

You have done a wonderful job, Jordan, at being his center of the world for now.
Amanda..his excitement at seeing you was wonderful!

I love you all and greatly treasured the time to have him


"all by myself"

best of luck to you

"I want someone who truly loves me and understands me and I AM willing to wait for that."



I hope that the person who wrote that understands they have to love themselves first.
Otherwise...nothing of value will come out of their life to be able to give to another.

It's been a very hard lesson to learn to let them go because they cannot grow with someone who does love them and understands them. Deeply.

best of luck to you


I hope you find yourself


Please note that that quote is from another person's blog. I don't really care to divest major wisdom on them...LOL as IF I had any.
I know that I went through a LOT of work with psychologist and psychiatry to get where I am today.
To have a Psychologist look at you and ask "WHY are you on medications?" was a wake up notation that I had managed to balance me.
I can actually deal with the emotions ... it may not be what I want to do..but I can understand where they are coming from. I understand to VALUE myself and my feelings.

No one else will.

There are so many different things that happen lately that it is "heavy" and sometimes I would rather just work. That is non emotional (most the time) and it is mental configurations of lessons that require deep thought processes to grasp where every piece fits together to make a product run.

It distracts me from emotions.

I have met a guy in my building. I find myself extra wary of getting to start the process of knowing someone again.
He seems nice enough.
He talks well.

He has a way of telling me EACH TIME that if we are gonna get to know each other then we will do so slowly. Meet up a few times and talk at breaks...then maybe a date.
He is 44
"appears to have his head on his shoulders" as far as I know.
Yeah he is correct in stating that IF he was a dangerous sort...he would have the patience to wait 6 or 9 months till I started trusting him. Then he could be evil.

Does ANYONE else hear warning bells?
Am I being paranoid? Or do I not trust so much after Dan that I am unwilling to even try letting someone in again?

I think it is the reaction I have had because of my involvement with Dan.

Why do I think that I can deal with another one?

I don't.

I told a girl I know today that I am fine with me and my family, and of course, my dog.
It will be interesting to see if Rick will be entertaining to my mind..or will I continue to have this "thing" floating around in my brain of: Men who want to date me or really understand me are crazy and I need out.

Maybe I never will have a level of trust again to just be myself with someone like I did with Dan.
I don't really even want to think on it.
So why do I freaking keep coming back to it?
Who Am I trying to convince?

I think I am trying to convince me of something I don't feel.

Hard to realize that because I can love someone..that it isn't that the someone that has to live in my life.

I think that I really did a dis-service to Stephen, too. I never could let him into my head completely.
I did with Leslie, but he only got hurt by me.

I think this life is supposed to always have the want but no satisfaction of receiving for me.

Sometimes that is the only way I can balance how I feel.
One reason I think I can deal with living on a mountain or far away from others.
There is not that pain associated with loving so much that I deny myself the realization that I deserve ....deserve what?

Just anything.

I remember so many times of my Dad telling me I never thought about things (god was HE wrong) and that I didn't have the intelligence to attend college. I still have not forgiven him for those words.
I don't think I need to either.

All in all my feelings are not for ANYONE elses evaluation because they are MINE MINE MINE

Even when I get selfish on something...it is because I want to be HEARD and not judged for having an emotional response. I want to work through it...but I don't really have many to talk to about it. Sometimes I get tired of talking to Momma over the same "thinkings" and to my sisters cause they have things occuring for them too.

Sometimes I want to disappear and not worry about thinking anymore. Then I get the feeling that my grandson doesn't even KNOW me yet. He smiles and laughs with me though. He can play. He WANTS to just play and try to talk to me... I like watching him trying to figure things out. Just like when my kids were tiny. It amazed me to watch them "think" and interpert the world around them. How many times Amanda used her finger like an elephant trunk.
How many times Jason would look at something and just smile and gently touch it.
Then he would squeeze things to see what would happen and sometimes cry when it broke.... what ever IT was. Amanda was gingerly cautious in her "checking things out" approach mostly because she hated getting dirty. ALWAYS. Stephen bopped her butt which caused her to tump into her first birthday cake and she was like "What the heck is THAT doing on my hand!" Then she cried a little and then still used one finger to taste.
Okay...maybe she wasn't feeling good... but she was not in control of her approach. :) see what I mean?

I would watch their eyes as they started understanding things

I want to see that in Zephyr too.

I don't enjoy being so far from him and so limited in exposure time with him to just play.
A child accepts the world and it's "things" just as they are presented to them. It is only through learning others processes that opinions are formed (I think). I could be wrong.

I never did figure out why Amanda insisted on spitting out smooshed peas...but would eat the crunchy peas as long as they were not over cooked at ALL.
they still ended up smooshed in her mouth :)

Jason always wanted to get dirty. Kinda hard to tell him NOT to eat everthing though :)
He would run and run and run... and smell like a wet puppy...and sleep so peacefully.

I think I want to PLAY more in life and not worry about feeling it.

yeah

that is what I want.

best of luck to me in finding it.

I know I rambled tonight. But this is what I THINK and how the process goes. I am not pointing fingers at ANYONE. Just realizing the fact that IF I cannot value how I FEEL then no one else will either.
I tend to keep WAY TOO QUIET when I should not.

Did you know Amanda that I still like to watch you sleep because of the way your dreams cross your face? I did that with you and your brother when you were small.
I wanted to with Zephyr....but you guys came home early from your date. No time to let me watch.

But I would not have traded the time with you for ANYTHING