Zephyr amoungst us

how awesome it is to get to watch you sleep

I thank you, Amanda and Jordan, for allowing me to bring Zephyr up to Dallas last Monday.
I know Steve and Toni enjoyed the time with him. A lot of compliments that he is SO good.... and yes he is! I am also amazed at his behavior and social skills :)

He was a delight to get on Friday night. I learned that he can open up containers of yogurt rather easily :0

He did really well putting up with getting to bed a little late on Friday night. Darn it all! I tried but HAD to get milk for him to have in the morning :)
Saturday he woke with giggles and talking up a storm to Jambalaya. Jambalaya LOVES having Z around. Z can run rather well after him through the apartment and loves to hug him and pet him. Tossing toys for the puppy to bring back to his eager hands. Zephyr doesn't like his face and fingers licked though. He giggles when Jambalaya is kissing his feet :)

Later Saturday morning we went back to the store to get some food items for me...and new shoes that blink and a musical instrument barrage for you to enjoy at your home :) Zephyr did really well at learning to blow the harmonica. He had a blast with the real drum and drumsticks. The tambourine isn't there yet...soon enough I am sure. The maracas at least are small enough to be rather quiet (and they are great for using on the tambourine).
We played with the car track set from Gammy and Papa. The hot wheels did not come out since I was concerned that Jamba would try to eat one. The aquadoodle was a little big among all the other stuff so it sat in it's box, too.
We went and swam after his nap and discovered MANY airplanes flying over our heads from the nearby airport. Cavanaugh Air Museum was doing a lot of flying yesterday and they moved close enough to the ground for great visual entertainment and lots of "oohhh WOW" moments.
then there were long walks with the puppy and Grannie learning to use the stroller cause Zephyr's legs get tired at trying to run so much!
Visiting the neighbor next to Grannie, his name is Rich, and jumping off of the porch into grass to roll around in. Zephyr had a lot of fun showing rich how to dance to the fantastic blues music he was playing rather nice and loud :)
Another long walk with Jambalaya at night. We also learned how to "click our heels" to light up our path with flashing shoes.
Our bath time was not so fun as he didn't like me taking the cup away to rinse his hair. Found out he likes pouring the water over his head by ALL by himself! We even talked to Auntie Chandra for a bit and showed her the new music we could make.



I know the video is a bit jerky.... but Zephyr moves like the wind! (smirk)
He also likes to kiss the video camera when trying to kiss Auntie Chandra =D
~~~
A little restless in his dreams Saturday night. He tossed, turned and talked in his sleep. Worried poor Jambalaya a bit as the puppy whistled his concern a few times.
Never have heard Jambalaya do that before :)

I think Zephyr was beginning to miss his normal routines of Momma and Daddy.
Missed his stars at night I noticed, too. He keep pointing to the ceiling saying "ON".

Sunday morning he woke up at 7 and with a HUGE "HI" that made me laugh out loud. We had breakfast on Grannie's porch while the puppy was on his long metal lead. Z had fun shrieking at Jamba as he chased him until Grannie goes "sshhhh" then we were more quiet. :)
Next thing, Jamba started barking and Zephyr looked at him, very seriously, and went "sshhh".

A little fussy this morning and I then decided to watch another movie. Lion King had Z talking a lot! He likes the lion's roar. He was beginning to start to nap again when.....
Excitement!
Momma came through the door!
We got to tell her of saying "Tigger" but he would not repeat it for her to loudly as we had more things on our minds at this time.
Grannie had most things ready...except for the bed... and a few toys that were waiting for entertainment value.
The travel bed is gonna stay here so it can be ready for the next visit to the Grandparents that live so far away from his home.
We got to load up the car and watch Grannie try not to cry (cause Zephyr started crying when Grannie was saying goodbye) as Momma was signing "I Love You" out the window.

Wow...Grannie still bites her lip like a little girl in trouble when trying not to cry.

A wonderful call from Momma so that Grannie knows she is loved as the family drives off to go back to normal life. I am sure Daddy will be thrilled that his son is still alive and well...and has new instruments to jam along with him while Jordan is playing music.


IT WAS A WONDERFUL THING TO GET TO TRAVEL WITH THE Z-MAN
He made a long car trip home very fun with all of his songs, talk, and "Ooohhh WOW!" sounds.

Even spitting in my truck was entertaining. The inside needed a bath anyway.

Thank you Amanda and Jordan for letting me bring him up to Dallas.
I know that he is as precious to you both. Just as you both were to the grandparents when we allowed you to go on trips with. So very long ago.

I greatly enjoyed getting to watch him sleep. I loved watching movies with him and listening to him talk about what he saw. He does say a lot of words...just in a rush to get them all out at once.
If you repeat them correctly...you get a big "YEAH!".

By the way.... what EXACTLY does "Doo das" mean?
He laughs a lot on the word :) Bending over and laughing with his mouth open.

Oh yeah... Rich was amazed at how smart he is for 20 months. So much into the telling him of "how it is" while music is playing. Rich said he would learn how to dance like Zephyr does so he can join in on the fun.
There were MANY compliments on Zephyr's behavior from my neighbors. Many amazed looks at him only being 20 months old. They thought he acted older :)

You have done a wonderful job, Jordan, at being his center of the world for now.
Amanda..his excitement at seeing you was wonderful!

I love you all and greatly treasured the time to have him


"all by myself"

best of luck to you

"I want someone who truly loves me and understands me and I AM willing to wait for that."



I hope that the person who wrote that understands they have to love themselves first.
Otherwise...nothing of value will come out of their life to be able to give to another.

It's been a very hard lesson to learn to let them go because they cannot grow with someone who does love them and understands them. Deeply.

best of luck to you


I hope you find yourself


Please note that that quote is from another person's blog. I don't really care to divest major wisdom on them...LOL as IF I had any.
I know that I went through a LOT of work with psychologist and psychiatry to get where I am today.
To have a Psychologist look at you and ask "WHY are you on medications?" was a wake up notation that I had managed to balance me.
I can actually deal with the emotions ... it may not be what I want to do..but I can understand where they are coming from. I understand to VALUE myself and my feelings.

No one else will.

There are so many different things that happen lately that it is "heavy" and sometimes I would rather just work. That is non emotional (most the time) and it is mental configurations of lessons that require deep thought processes to grasp where every piece fits together to make a product run.

It distracts me from emotions.

I have met a guy in my building. I find myself extra wary of getting to start the process of knowing someone again.
He seems nice enough.
He talks well.

He has a way of telling me EACH TIME that if we are gonna get to know each other then we will do so slowly. Meet up a few times and talk at breaks...then maybe a date.
He is 44
"appears to have his head on his shoulders" as far as I know.
Yeah he is correct in stating that IF he was a dangerous sort...he would have the patience to wait 6 or 9 months till I started trusting him. Then he could be evil.

Does ANYONE else hear warning bells?
Am I being paranoid? Or do I not trust so much after Dan that I am unwilling to even try letting someone in again?

I think it is the reaction I have had because of my involvement with Dan.

Why do I think that I can deal with another one?

I don't.

I told a girl I know today that I am fine with me and my family, and of course, my dog.
It will be interesting to see if Rick will be entertaining to my mind..or will I continue to have this "thing" floating around in my brain of: Men who want to date me or really understand me are crazy and I need out.

Maybe I never will have a level of trust again to just be myself with someone like I did with Dan.
I don't really even want to think on it.
So why do I freaking keep coming back to it?
Who Am I trying to convince?

I think I am trying to convince me of something I don't feel.

Hard to realize that because I can love someone..that it isn't that the someone that has to live in my life.

I think that I really did a dis-service to Stephen, too. I never could let him into my head completely.
I did with Leslie, but he only got hurt by me.

I think this life is supposed to always have the want but no satisfaction of receiving for me.

Sometimes that is the only way I can balance how I feel.
One reason I think I can deal with living on a mountain or far away from others.
There is not that pain associated with loving so much that I deny myself the realization that I deserve ....deserve what?

Just anything.

I remember so many times of my Dad telling me I never thought about things (god was HE wrong) and that I didn't have the intelligence to attend college. I still have not forgiven him for those words.
I don't think I need to either.

All in all my feelings are not for ANYONE elses evaluation because they are MINE MINE MINE

Even when I get selfish on something...it is because I want to be HEARD and not judged for having an emotional response. I want to work through it...but I don't really have many to talk to about it. Sometimes I get tired of talking to Momma over the same "thinkings" and to my sisters cause they have things occuring for them too.

Sometimes I want to disappear and not worry about thinking anymore. Then I get the feeling that my grandson doesn't even KNOW me yet. He smiles and laughs with me though. He can play. He WANTS to just play and try to talk to me... I like watching him trying to figure things out. Just like when my kids were tiny. It amazed me to watch them "think" and interpert the world around them. How many times Amanda used her finger like an elephant trunk.
How many times Jason would look at something and just smile and gently touch it.
Then he would squeeze things to see what would happen and sometimes cry when it broke.... what ever IT was. Amanda was gingerly cautious in her "checking things out" approach mostly because she hated getting dirty. ALWAYS. Stephen bopped her butt which caused her to tump into her first birthday cake and she was like "What the heck is THAT doing on my hand!" Then she cried a little and then still used one finger to taste.
Okay...maybe she wasn't feeling good... but she was not in control of her approach. :) see what I mean?

I would watch their eyes as they started understanding things

I want to see that in Zephyr too.

I don't enjoy being so far from him and so limited in exposure time with him to just play.
A child accepts the world and it's "things" just as they are presented to them. It is only through learning others processes that opinions are formed (I think). I could be wrong.

I never did figure out why Amanda insisted on spitting out smooshed peas...but would eat the crunchy peas as long as they were not over cooked at ALL.
they still ended up smooshed in her mouth :)

Jason always wanted to get dirty. Kinda hard to tell him NOT to eat everthing though :)
He would run and run and run... and smell like a wet puppy...and sleep so peacefully.

I think I want to PLAY more in life and not worry about feeling it.

yeah

that is what I want.

best of luck to me in finding it.

I know I rambled tonight. But this is what I THINK and how the process goes. I am not pointing fingers at ANYONE. Just realizing the fact that IF I cannot value how I FEEL then no one else will either.
I tend to keep WAY TOO QUIET when I should not.

Did you know Amanda that I still like to watch you sleep because of the way your dreams cross your face? I did that with you and your brother when you were small.
I wanted to with Zephyr....but you guys came home early from your date. No time to let me watch.

But I would not have traded the time with you for ANYTHING

dreams at night

curl into me and rest
place your head on my heart
relax into the dreaming time
see the peace and rest

remember to breath
sometime soon the leaves will turn
the sky will open
stars set bright

hearing the words
"to leave all to love"
this is the best release
healing begins in my own heart

laying on my bed I awake
smiling and rested well
I realize that it is my choice
"to leave all to love" is the best

no more the worries or sadness
tears have stopped
i smile
resting my dreams in the places they belong
"to leave all to love" is the best

Big Red Spicer

Big Red Spicer, icon of the running community, Race Director extraordinaire, Friend, Lover, Father, Poet, Trail Builder, Veteran, Comedian, Moonshiner, Hater of Dogs and Democrats, Rascal for all ages, has slipped into a coma and will leave us in a couple of days.
His daughter is at his side and at peace.
Red knows he was loved and has loved much in return. He was held and kissed innumerable times. He is no longer scared. He is already at peace.
There will be a weekend of celebration in his honor next year in June in Palo Duro Canyon. Red's birthday was June 1st. Details will follow.
At the celebration, there will be a run, hamburgers, blues music, a campfire and great quanities of "cold beer." We'll all be able to speak then -- and remember the man who enriched our lives with the funniest stories and that great Southern Charm.Red's ashes will be spread on his family land in North Carolina following cremation.
Palo Duro 50M/50K/20K will go on as planned. Race entries are pouring in, and in true Red fashion, the plans were transfered to Bill and Wynn before he got too ill. Bill and Wynn enourage everyone to enter the race if they wish to run, but are also eager to welcome you into the volunteer family should you wish to participate in that way.

REMEMBER: "Life is a headlong rush into the unknown. You can either hunker down and hope nothing hits you; or you can stand tall, lean into the wind and yell, 'bring it on darlin' and don't be stingy with the Jalapenos."

With much love and the reminder that we are love



~~~~~~~~~
Thank you, Antje, for the information....

a long awaited visit

it was a really fun day today.
relaxed and interesting. i went and visited toni and steve today.
fed ducks, had lunch, and went shopping at big lots:)

i notice that i still shy away from discussing politics.. a lot.. but that is okay

had 2 zipped up GA's (with cranberry and ginseng tea) and it was yummy!
i still love ginger ale :)

got to play with the kitties some too. i miss my cats.
it was really nice to just visit. i had fun driving them both around and telling some of what is around here. naturally it was with a lot of things i like to visit :)

going to share movies of the grandson and pics with them,too. i decided it will be easier doing cd's :)
email is hard long upload on some of them.

toni is doing good and very hopeful of the outcome of the transplant. i really hope that the money is raised soon.

it is nice to see them happy together. i was glad the timing was good to visit as they live near me now.... which in a selfish way we agreed that it makes it easier for the kids to visit more parents and less travel time spent on the road :)

i am pleased and content.

:D

off to visit my mom...

Cannot change anything about Red Spicer passing from this life to the next.
Working this weekend but taking my laptop with me so I can SEE my Momma. I miss her a LOT and look forward to the visit.

I'll write more later :)

For Toni Vogel... PLEASE HELP HER IN THIS TIME

My daughter Amanda (Bella) sends this out and I want to help!

For Toni Vogel, Wife to Steve Vogel....
PLEASE, help if you can.... She is an amazing woman.

National Transplant Assistance Fund

Hi Everyone!
Bella here to help my dad and step mom reach out - my stepmother, Toni was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

This week, she was accepted into the National Transplant Assistance Fund where her and my dad hope to raise the $25,000.00 it will take for her transplant surgery. She has been a long standing advocate for science and research and will be participating with a Stem Cell transplant to her spine. The operation and study are only a few years old, and therefore not covered by insurance.


I'm lousy at pitching the facts that are far better explained on the website. Please see below for the link directly to her page and while you are there, feel free to read up on the organization, the procedures and the rates of success. Currently, the doctors have given Toni roughly 10 years... I'd like her to stick around to see our son (and her two other grandchildren from my stepsister) grow up.


Please help in any way that you can - whether it's with a donation or just a kind word of support on her guest book.


http://www. transplantfund. org/Restricted/patient-guestbook. cfm?pat_id=2580

maybe back to plano???

Yeah, I need to move away from the accessibility of a few people.
I think that maybe Plano may be calling my name. I gotta wait for the end of the lease and to see if my office moves.
All dependent on other actions outside of my control.

Sometimes no matter how you try to help or listen to another...you have to cut them loose and let the birds fly or fall to their death far down below.
I cannot rescue anyone but myself.

and I don't want to rescue anyone either

I deserve a lot better than this.

merry-go-round???

Jeeze Louise!

I finally decide to move closer to work. then news comes that makes that decision a moot point.
It maybe that my company is going to relocate. Not exactly sure where, but perhaps closer to my apartment.
Now I am in a wait and see position. Again.
Sometimes I really wonder about why it is I make a decision after CAREFULLY weighing the pluses and minuses, research the locations, do a financial schematic of the checks and values of such a move..... and all for a "wait! not totally there yet!"

GRRRRR

I was looking forward to this too. Canal Side Lofts would have been wonderful!
I like the community and the area. Places to ride my bike and lots of area to let my dog run and play with me. A community that was 3 blocks from work. I could have parked my truck and lessened my need of fuel by WALKING to work or riding my bike.
I had already planned on being home more with Jambalaya and meeting new people in my neighbor hood. I was looking forward to it. REALLY looking forward to it.

Now I wait, possibly until March of '09, until the truth and decision is made for my work location.
My lease ends here on January 31,2009.
I do not want to pay month to month because that avenue is expensive.
I don't want to sign another contract either. I have a choice of 6 months or 12 months. I wanted a place that had amenities that were FUN. THe place I live in a fantastic. It is quiet (mostly retired folks here) and has a wonderful look to the grounds. Very close to Addison Circle.
Canal Side Lofts had this as entertainment:

Outdoor Features & Amenities

• Main Event Sports Bar, bank of Plasma TVs
• Pool Table and Foosball
• Hi-Def Movie Experience Theater
• Critic’s Corner Outdoor Theater
• Multi-Player "Live" Gaming Center
• Ring Side, Full-Size Boxing Ring
• Indoor Basketball Court
• Cardio Focused Workout Facility
• Strength Training Center
• Urban Garden with Water Features, Outdoor Fireplace and "Self" Space
• Infinity Edge Heated Pool with Eclectic Lighting
• Wi-Fi Hot Spots at Pool, Clubhouse and Urban Garden
• DSL & Cable Broadband Internet
• Controlled Access
• On-site "Suds" Room
• Multi-Level Parking Garages
• Canal, Pool and Urban Garden Views
• A Whole Lotta "Club" House
• Highly functional
• Highly entertaining
• You’re sure to find a venue that meets your desire and the urban beat of Las Colinas is at your feet

Where I live now has 2 tennis courts, a pool and a hot tub.
They do NO resident activities at all. No meet and greets except for 1 time a year and usually I am working during the event.
The office isn't even friendly anymore.
No secured access. I don't like that anymore.
I live right behind Qurum Park and that is pretty, but there is NO PLACE TO LET MY DOG RUN!!!

I normally am patient on stuff. Changing like the wind when I need to.
This time I am disappointed.
I really was enthused about Canal Side Lofts.

Okay so there IS light at the end of a day:

Symphonic Saturdays

8/2/2008, 8:00 PM to
8/23/2008, 10:00 PM

Official Summer Series Website

When: August 2, 9, 16, 23, 2008 8 pm – 10pm

Where: Esplanade Park, Between Quorum Drive & The Dallas Parkway, Addison, Texas

What: Enjoy summer evenings under the stars in the beautiful Addison Circle Esplanade Park!

Listen to live music from Dallas Wind Symphony and Richardson Symphony Orchestra while you picnic or dine in one of the great Addison Circle restaurants.

Cost: FREE

2008 SYMPONIC SATURDAYS SCHEDULE

August 2nd - Dallas Wind Symphony - Saxophone Quartet

August 9th - Richardson Symphony Orchestra - 16 Piece String Ensemble

August 16th - Dallas Wind Symphony - Tuba Quartet

August 23rd - Richardson Symphony Orchestra - Brass Quintet

Think I will go tonight and enjoy it. I wonder If I can take my dog......

yep...moving plans again

once my lease is done I am done with Addison.
Looking to move to Las Colinas so I can easily walk to work and not have my dog in a kennel so long.
Maybe I can stay out of trouble there. The bike park I like to ride in is there also.
I think it is the best idea I have had yet. I don't party or play anymore so being near to Jambalaya is a god thing. I will be taking on ON CALL soon at work and it will be best to be close by if needed.
It will be okay to park my truck and not use it so much.
The place I am looking at is a little more than I want to pay but the balance sheet makes it a good deal (especially if there is a special) to do.

Life is very strange when you realize that you really cannot count on anyone but your self. I KNOW my kids I can depend on to grow. But having someone say they will be there and then they are not just sucks. I no longer trust.
PERIOD

I think I can enjoy doing my own stuff and if someone wants to join in that is okay. But not in my home.
Okay
NOW I am tired.

Night

it's really over this time

good bye Dan

* click * as the door locks

hello from the land of South Korea

Marty's Blog in Korea


I just spoke with MARTY on the phone!
He asks to tell all hello for him and he is thinking of us and the good times had by all. :)


I truly miss my bestest friend right now.

Check out his blog if you wish and send him email on it.
He is doing great being married now to MyeongHee and is riding his bike as much as possible and letting the wife drive the car!
Kinda helps that for him to go to work he walks down a flight of stairs :)

I told him I would pass on the "hello" for him.

*DING* Job done!

tender feelings

There are many things that we grow through. As a human being which is the purpose of this world and life. Can't escape it.

Not having to take "happy pills" anymore is wonderful but I notice that I react much more in defense of me and my 'feelings about a situation' then ever and not trying to justify the reason others "may have said what they said".

It is about communication. Direct words that are thought about as to how I may cause someone to feel. I cannot ease the words you may say to me. Most of my adult life has been spent trying to figure out the situation in someones life that caused them to say (or not say) something that triggers hurt or anxious thoughts in my head. Sometimes you can only chalk it up to their inexperience (read that as age) and need to draw a boundary for themselves with others. I have a few friends like this. Sometimes it is hard to tell them that what they jsut said has caused me to be pissed off. It isn't common...but it feels okay to make a statement for MY needs. It isn't fair to always assume "it will be fine if I blew steam here" and she will understand. Sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes it is a feeling that you are mad at me or I caused the situation. Sometimes I can see it isn't anything to do with me. Lately I am becoming more in tune with saying STOP this is not good for me to hear.

I enjoy being around people. I am not normally one to open up and talk OPENLY about what I FEEL. I have been known to be an entertainer. I like people being happy. I have a twisted sense of humor and do think that sometimes "shocking the thoughts" is a bit more fun than telling ALL about me to someone I will not really interact with in my life.


Yes I do care a LOT about those I love. I forgive WAY to easily when my heart is injured or my sense of value is "left for someone out the door on a step" for lack of understanding what I was giving up to accommodate their needs.

I am tired of it. I deserve better. I can give and give and give.... but it isn't worth it anymore because I cannot be a receiver.

So with this in mind....

My feeling can be hurt.
Don't avoid telling me perspectives, just be prepared for me to let you know when I think or FEEL you are being unfair in YOUR perspective of me


I have raised 2 children and had a lot of tender emotions that had to be worked through. Misconceived perceptions that somehow worked their way into my children's lives and caused damage to their hearts. I cannot change that now or ever. Nor would I because I think my kids are better humans for that. Yes, they are very different people. I am glad. I hope they learned lessons to on how to be kind and true in their thoughts and actions towards others and the gifts they receive from interactions with those people.


Do not plan on using me . .

GREAT lesson learned.

Tough Texan

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE



Thank you Jackie B for that joke.
I LOVED it!

from the pool (of dreams?)

Wonderful picture of parents of Zephyr playing around.

He looks good in her hat! Amanda and Jordan goofing around.
Just LOVE his smile!


There are some pictures WORTH sharing!
Thought I would add a few here :)

The lift....
Jordan is pretty strong looking here!

A classic picture is of Amanda... I remember my mom painting a picture LONG AGO very similar to this.





Mother and son...with "sunshine in the eyes" smiles.

There are more to come soon. Make sure you check out YouTube for more movies of them soon.
Or just click the link above :).

Later on!

Sway Dancing

Zephyr and his talents!

June 12th and the little one is having a blast! Music playing...fresh fruit all around for his dancing and finger picking eating pleasure. Zephyr is almost 18 months now and he has many styles of dancing. This one is called (by me) "Sway Dancing". Enjoy!

A recognition of my Son

WOW

July 7, 2006 my wonderful Honey Boy moved to Orlando Florida.

I last got to see him when he came for his vacation when his nephew, Zephyr, was born on January 9 2007.

Jason you have gone through a lot in your life. Odd things that most people do not know.

I am proud of you. You took a chance on changing your life. Away from family and all of the people you called friends.
You moved to Orlando, Florida with an opportunity to start new....over....fresh.
I am thankful your OnLine friend, Matt had offered you a place to live. At least it was one less thing I was worrying over about you.

You have attempted to change your career....and have had to go back to what you know. You are a good people person though. You do have a huge heart that at times is rather gullible (sometimes like me). You have told me times of how lonely you are and cried.

Honey Boy...
I cry often. It is ALWAYS such a joy to see you call me! It makes me smile hugely and I answer with "My Wonderful Son!" or the familiar "Hey Honey Boy!".

I have a lot of young men that are friends and I refer to them as my kids.
There is only ONE HONEY BOY.
That's you.

You know when to call me and check in ....especially if you are really frustrated with your choices.
I am PROUD of you.
You bought a car...paid cash out right for it.
You pay your bills.
You have taken on a pet. RESPONSIBLE.

Jason, you have moved away from home....but never my heart.
I like to have our conversations about where you are and what you do. I wish I understood more of the games you enjoy online. That is okay though...

LOL WUT

I am trying to accept that I may not get to see you as much as I want. I am like that though.

Jason, I am SO proud of you.
You went out on your own. NO family or familiar people.
You have had let downs and succeeded in turning them around.
You try to attend as many classes as you can afford. I am SO VERY PROUD of you!

and




I Love You SPECIAL.

Momma

well I wonder wonder wonder who....

who wrote the book of love...

Interesting song to remember so early in the am. Maybe one of these days I will find that book and find my name somewhere in it. Don't care about it anymore as far as a PARTNER goes. But I am well blessed with love from my family. Got to visit with Amanda and Zephyr on Saturday and into SUnday late morning. It is amazing at how Zephyr has grown. He is a sharp minded little boy! He figured out to keep me from taking his pacifier he could hug my neck. ;) Like I said...sharp. Amanda's starting to get color in her tattoo this visit. BEAUTIFUL work that Star does (Lone Star Tattoo) and I look forward to having a piece done by her also. I may have found who will tie all of my tattoos into one. I remembered a lot of "thoughts" this weekend. I find myself wanting to be away from those that use me. I am finding trust issues have surfaced. Or is it that I am being willful again in wanting what or whom I want?
I tire of the mental beating I give myself.
I have not been on antidepressants for MONTHS now. It feels good not taking them.
There was a reason to stop. No job...no money...and the free services you an get for mental health caused me to miss interviews adn then the Doctors I got to speak with did not see me as having an issue :)

Interesting, huh?

It is fine. I really like being able to sleep with out the drugged feeling in the morning.

I cut my hair again...REALLY short :)
I like it a bunch! It's spunky :) It feels so much cooler with the heat too.

I promise to write more later....
GOtta get ready for work!

I GOT A JOB TODAY!!!!!

THIS is the MOST fabulous recruiter
E V E R !!!!

Beverly Smith
Technical Recruiter
At-Tech Dallas
Phone: 972-312-1699
Toll Free: 866-205-2234
Fax: 972-312-9227


For all of my friends that are currently seeking employment.
CALL HER NOW

I PERSONALLY RECOMMEND HER!!

I start work on the May 28th and am so pleased at the efforts she went to in placing me into meetings with the company.



All in All .... it feels wonderful being employed again!

I want to thank all of you for your loving support and timely assistance in my confusion. Family and Friends...can't be with out the love and belief you have showered on me.

having an interesting time on interviews

Today I had an interview for a job at a place where a friend of mine works. It was a lot of fun saying hi to people I had met at the company Christmas Party when I went with Joe. I even got a tour of the place! I also have 2 more interviews on Monday (1 is a 3rd time and I am to talk to the VP!) and am expecting to have the offers coming in on the Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

It has been really hard not having a job since January 15 of this year but with the wonderful help of friends and my sisters I have been able to do odd jobs for needed money to pay bills.

I thank you all for the wonderful support and good wishes in my search. I have noticed that the job market is pretty difficult of late for Technicians. Looking forward to getting my MS certifications started and do the testing. That may have made things a bit easier. I have been listed with 9 recruiting agencies, listed my cover letter in Craig's List, Career Builder, Monster, and Yahoo's Hot Jobs. Seems that a lot of companies now wish to "try before you buy" on employees these days. A few of the offers are to be contract to hire. A few are direct hire (which I prefer).

It is now a waiting game to see where I go.
I have been busy doing massages too. Thank you to my clients for enjoying my skills so much!

I am still filling out applications though because you never know if an offer is good or bad.
Joe actually wrote "Gopher it. The more irons in the fire the more cattle you can brand. . ."
and this made me laugh when I read it! Joe does not use that kind of aphorism normally.


But it did make me laugh and smile and that has been hard lately.


Except when I get to hear from my family.

All is good and I am waiting for good results.

Daddy and Zephyr's FIRST carwash together....

Jordan and Zephyr are washing the car together on the visit for Mother's Day weekend. Well...Z is more into the water play I guess! They had a lot of fun and Z is trying to help with the bumper at least. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

it is frustrating and then there is fun =D

so MANY interviews of late. starting to get a few second calls and then a few F2F...Face to face that is. There is one today at 1 PM which is a direct hire without going through a recruiter. I want this job! Close to home and I can walk there if I choose. maybe longer late hours but at least I can get home to take care of Jambalaya periodically.
he is still a puppy at 6 months and weighs in at 52 lbs. Got a training lead for him ( at a whale of a sale price ) It is a "gentle leader" that fits around muzzle. He isn't thrilled with it yet but he LISTENS to me while walking on it.



THIS is Zephyr gleefully laughing and posing after I snapped a serious photo of him eating his lunch. I got lucky in being able to catch that wonderful smile he shares. Oh yeah...he shares his P&B sandwich too as he kisses me! I loved it!

Amanda and Zephyr came and spent a night with me just before Mother's Day. This is Friday morning on my patio ..... Zephyr breakfast style :) Remember. My grandson JUST turned 16 months. Amanda is 5'4". He is HUGE!!!!

Love this family of mine so much...

Zoom in on this photo folks and you will see the wonderful beginnings of Amanda's sleeve work. It has embodied all of her beliefs and feelings of her life. ABSOLUTELY stunning. It is only a light outline at this point...but it will be wonderful when finished.

I can appreciate her desire to hold dear her self expression and memories in ink.

My wonderful niece Chandra.... She bought me dinner on mothers day at her work and gave me an extra dessert to take home along with a ribbon to wear that said " A VERY Proud Mommie"

and absolutely true.

I got a call from Jason, too!
I have no recent pictures to post of him. Hopefully I will soon.

I called my momma and my stepmother and wished them well and happiness. I called my sisters too to wish them happiness on this human celebration of a day.

I need to go to an interview now so I am signing out. More updates later!

where oh where are you tonight?

Wondering where my mind has gone again.
I search and search inside and it plays hide and seek.

not a good song to be singing...and it mostly relates to my non working status.
FRUSTRATION to the Nth degree,

Massages are doing okay. Painting houses and clearing land is okay too.

I find I have little patience anymore for those that choose drugs and LOTS of alcohol of late. I don't have that many friends anymore. They seem to disappear when you cannot always help them out.... or if you call with a need of assistance. Like a visit.

I love my girlfriends that I have
I think I am so finally pissed off at the male populace that it is painful. There are a few guys I can hang out with. NONE hold my heart anymore though.

well...
okay



My Son Jason , My Son in Law Jordan, my Grandson Zephyr, and my Daddy (as long as he doesn't lecture me) and my StepDad Michael, My bro in laws Doug and Gene....Oh Marty and Brian.

Yep that's all the ones that deserve my communication.
Then again there is Katie and Mike. Then Zac and Chris. I have a friend Chris J that is nice..he is a single Dad. Joe who is a big ol' bear :) and loves to watch movies with me.


Okay it isn't ALL of my friends...but there are some I THOUGHT were caring of me that do not

Maybe I am finally getting the lesson of not caring except in friendship.
I am angry that I can be so stupid as to really and truly care about a man and have them fail me again and again.

You suck, guys. You have lost the ability to not be so totally self centered. I do not understand it at all. Nor do I wish to pursue it.. at all.

Things are changing.
Looks like I will be taking a little trip to Atlanta GA for possible habitat change. Going to check with a few places and set up interviews.

Been saying goodbye to a few that I know I will miss. Won't tell the rest ...just fade away from memory. I am concerned about my clients though. The massages are so well received and I need to find a good couple of therapists to move them to them.

More later as I get the interviews set up.

See ya.

Yeah yeah I'm Walkin'....

Zephyr is taking us for a little walk around the apartments he lives in.
Daddy is great as his camera man!

harmonica fun

This is Selena Jade...she is 1 week younger than my wonderful Zephyr. One day...maybe...it will be that the two meet up again and remember each other!
Hey Z, I know you love music and so does Selena!

Hmmmm
Maybe a band soon?
Jordan (Zephyr's daddy) plays guitar and sings....Mark (Selena's daddy) plays drums and many other instruments like a didgeridoo.

This could be fun!

A little joy in my life

I miss the Grandson Zephyr and here is his latest pictures

and This little guy's name?

Jambalaya
He makes be be responsible for things I forget. Like eating and going outside and laughter.

I am still stressed at not having a job. Working on a LOT of things about myself.
I am trying to get jobs that I am even overqualified for and nothing seems to be working. I haer that from several people I know and they are in the same situation.

Still working with Texas Labor Laws and how I was handled at the last job. Being fired while still covered by a doctor for FMLA...not a good deal in my opinion. We will see.

Otherwise I am still losing weight appropriately. Hired out by friends and family for manual labor which doesn't bother me but it is inconsistent and there are no health benefits :)
So far I don't need them :)

I hope to see my children again soon. Maybe I can get an interview that sends me to Orlando so I can see my Honey Boy, Jason.
I sure miss him. Since he moved there it has been oddly lacking in my life of my odd moments of geek with my son.

My daughter is doing well and her husband and son are well too.
My niece is as usually caring busy and living a good life. Busy busy busy
I have a couple of friends that visit. Linda lives in the complex where I live so that is really nice.
NO money or steady income means no traveling except to do odd jobs or for interviews. Hope Jamba learns to run next to the bike soon. He is okay but still a puppy so he is unfocused. I do not wish to be dragged off my bike unexpectedly.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow in the AM to x-ray the spine and see how the healing is progressing. STILL no pain!
Fantastic if you ask me. :)

So for now that is all there is.

Oh yeas...I do go to a HASH Crayfish boil the other night. Rob and Serena picked me up to go. Had a good time seeing some people I had not seen in 1.5 years. Heard the John is being sent back to Iraq and I am concerned on that. His birthday is the same as my baby sisters and we are the same age. If I dn't get a job soon..... I wonder if I can still go into the Armed Forces. It is a thought.

I have been helping a friend clear land and painting my sister's house on the inside. Maybe painting the other sister's home too soon.

Heard from Marty the other day! He called to harass me. That brought me great joy as he sounds so happy being married to MeYoung Hee.

Okay...time to continue searching!

Love

there once was a time.....

when i thought i had it down
that i could be anything and everywhere

sad realization

humanity is not so fun when you realize that you love your kids wonderfully deep and know to let them go their own way. then discover that you cannot make shit out of your life.

once held in love by a man (or that was what he said) and then to realize that his 'dream' only included him.

no more trust for males except my kids
period
you all suck


My caring middle sister,,,,i won't move into your home. you have a husband and the niece
which is too much and i don't want to have ANY issue with you or percieved events.
trust me it is best


Daddy I don't think you read these and that is okay
I unload what is happening here
I appreciate the assistance. I will return the money once the balance of my 401 arrives. then you will not hear from me again. is good i think.
then you won;t have to worry about 'lecturing'.

Jason I miss you something fierce

for those that are interested.....

• Let me know and I can email my resume to you.

Thanks for reading

Signing off now

i am FINE...really

Life is just a little difficult at the moment.
No job does that to you. No medical insurance. No life.
Not driving as much as possible. Hope the phone will be on for a while longer.
I have a pay as you go phone but once I make the next payment for time on it that will be IT
call the landline if you need me.
DO NOT call my cell please unless you are ATT or Cingular. I cannot afford you.

I cannot afford anything :)
Amazing what a job pays for.

Amazing that because I am 48 they don't want to hire me. Maybe my "experience" cost to much in the long run.

I can stay in my apartment until I can pay the rent on 4-20-08....
I hope I can be started at a job soon.

No I have not applied nor will I EVER work at McDonald's. Gak. Totally
I honestly have been walking and placing my resume all over the place.
I do not care if the EEOC causes S****** or not. OVER. I know they broke the rules by firing me while I was covered by FMLA. I reported it. It is up to the EEOC to decide if they wish to persecute or not. My manager was the one that did NOT want the paperwork I had for him.
Protected my job, eh? You decided that AFTER I was questioning your reasoning for putting an asshole on the 'supervisor' position who has a damn anger issue with people.
Went to bat for me, huh?


Yes I am PISSED at the occurrence, but I do trying to not care anymore. Interesting when I tell hiring agencies who I worked for that they tell ME that they have SEVERAL complaints about the company and no longer will send qualified applicants.


Normally I am a nice person. Always helping out in anyway I can....except in money cause I NEVER had money.

I find that there are a lot of things that are going away.

Who's next? If it is a job you think I can do please let me know?

all things to consider

Hmmm... back surgery, loss of job, truck troubles, new puppy, finding job, Bestest Friend visiting from S. Korea.

Hehehe
been a busy girl.
I know one thing for sure.
I am happy.
I am healthy.
I do have some awesome real friends.
Learning who is an aquaintance now that used to be "on the inside" circle of Circe's world.
Amazed at my children.
Happy birthday very soon to you both!
Granson is growing by leaps and bounds.
I can still love someone without having to wait on them to grow.
I am learning too.

gosh....amazing even to me.
Marty and I have had a blast with setting up computer stuff and hanging out with each other. Talking and laughing and talking more to include his thoughts on a new life as a married man :)

All in all I am happy and good.
More a little later.

Goodness it is so cool to have someone so interested in computers and linux that he works with me on it.

the usual Happy New Year

Ya know life is different when you use a new font.

okay...now for the realness....



I am not sure what direction I really need to take at this time in my life. I have had a lot of tests emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally. I really like the calmness that is here right now doing things ONLY for me. I love all of the people I know...okay a few I don't give a care or thought to but that is NOT the norm for me.

I have not gone and hung out with people I enjoy being around because I am changing in my balances. My decisions are that I make or made SO much effort towards helping or being with others that it got TOO noisy in my head. TOO noisy in my heart.



I tend to want a relationship in my life. So I solved it the most positive way I could.

I have a puppy now. He is a boy dog (another unusual thing) and he is mixed breed.

His name is Jambalaya :)

Call him Jamba most the time





or ankle biter





or





"damn it Jamba!" when he looks AT me and decides I am not paying enough attention and pees where he knows not to.



We are geting there with me paying more attention to his signals. :) I am learning to teach him to react to me too.



This is unconditional acceptance and love. From me to him. I have something to care for that is healthy for me. He is a pretty calm pup and I have no idea what his size will end up being. He is affectionate without being whiney and needful.



My sisters like him, too!

I have not met anyone so far that has not been pleased to meet him ;)

I have a small video of him playing with his mom and it is funny to see the change in his personality. He has intelligent eyes and soft fur. He is doing well at not being noisey when I am gone for work.



I can tell if he has been patient by the smell of my home when I arrive :)

I am learning the comfort of a pet again.





Other parts of my life are limited and this frustrates me. I cannot ride my bike yet. I can walk.... I can do a stationary bike. I tire of sitting up all day. I want to climb but cannot. It is really nice not to physically hurt like I had experienced before. It is amazing and the results were fantastic for me.



I am impatient :)

Known and accepted by me finally. Organization sometimes is difficult with me and I want to be better at it



I want to change my career path and do what I FEEL good about doing. My current job is technical (which I like) but the business is going a direction I am not comfortable about experiencing.

I like what I do mentally. I am having issues being afraid for my job every day though.



I want to feel GOOD about what I do again. I will be trying to become certified in my masage therapy again. It will be a little hard because I seem to have this fear of failing. I am GOOD at my therapy sessions and share with many other licensed therapist ideas, techniques, and clients ideas of "comfort & relaxation" processes.

This has been calling me for a long time. I have the tools (or the basics of what I need), the knowledge and practicle experience.

It scares me to think I will freeze up and fail on the tests. Kinda weird.... while I remember listening to my exhusband as he told our daughter:

"Amanda...don't shut the door before you get there to walk through it."



Remember: OPEN doors ;)



I do not call a lot of people I know of late. Time is centered at home cleaning, organizing myself, getting rid of "stuff" that I have insisted on retaining even when I know it is no longer useful. I tire of hanging on to old patterns and habits :)
I am having fun learning how to excersise so I do not injure the new back hardware :0

I wonder if I will set alarms off in the airport?
hmmmm
I guess i need to ask Doc on the next visit :)
I have had a lot on my mind and there are otherconcerns. I am doing the best I think for me. Best to stay near my area due to cost of travel.

I have a job interview soon. Will be interesting to see what they think of my skills :) I surprise myself too at times LOL.
All in all it is about change. Not New Years Resolutions to be "attempted" but a serious understanding of MY boundries that are changing. My decisions only affect me. I am responsible adn want to have an easier life without stress.
Need change adn am seeking it.

I do miss Dan.
It is best though to not look back and hurt but to continue on to become strong again.

I really do enjoy me.

She without arm, he without leg

A ballet of wonderful grace.

- ballet - Hand in Hand

beautiful and awesome in the feelings i felt

humbled

Liberate my mind...

Liberate my mind...

I really LOVE this song

Lyrics are posted on the link under "lyrics" (of course)
but i thought i would post them for you anyway.

raeF....
tbuoD.....
noitarapeS.....
ecnereffidnI.....


Save me I’m falling down
Guide me I’m going blind
Relieve me before my eyes run dry
Hear me at this time


chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It's what I ask
Liberate my Mind


Protect me when I face my darkness
Let my sorrows and confusions die
Be my shield of Love when fear shows up
Be my shelter under the wicked sky


chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It’s what I ask
Liberate my Mind


Light my way for Joy and Peace
Lead me for the Gift of Divinity
Refill me with the Truth that needs to be announced
Shine through me
Liberate my Mind


chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It’s what I ask
Liberate my Mind


Lyrics: Ilonah/Mars Music: Mars

This song is available at:
iTunes.com MSNmusic.com and MP3tunes.com



I like the way the sound of the music makes me feel.

I am wondering.....

it doesn't exactly feel like christmas is coming to me. not yet anywy.
it isn't celebratory until i can see my christmas bulbs.
first time to be in a place without a fireplace.
hmmmmm
need to be creative on this.....
not sure I want to use lights.
need to reach to my minds eye and see how the time has passed at remembering my life.

Like a curtain that is opened and on display for a time.

AHA!
I have the PERFECT idea!


Later... a picture.





and something different to for me to do.

Yayayayaya...I know I write A LOT this time of year

Seems to be the only way I can get centered and not sidetracked with the thought of not fitting in

it happens

unexplained loss of sense of innate control of my surroundings
WHY do I seem to always get something serious occurring in my life EVERY holiday time of the year...usually at or near birth date.

changes occur when you get older. I perceive many things differently than I used to when I was involved.
There is much I want to still do. Responsible only for me now.
Yet I choose a dog as a companion. Mostly because I like having the feeling of responsibility.
The companion that is thrilled to see me at any moment. That wants to be there whether it is in silence and a constant touch or in play. That can just sit and listen so I can get the words out of my head
although
sometimes I think they can answer back in my head :)
who knows....maybe I'm finally losing my sense of edge. where I end and where I begin.
I think of the spirit of our world and the feelings that are shared.
I like the love and the laughter the most
the caring
the being there to listen to a healer when they need a space to feel okay about being out of control
I hear that from a lot of professional friends right now
even kind of experience the feelings myself.
freak?
possibly :) But I would NOT trade my outlook on life or on people for anything else but growth.
period
I really enjoy how I live in my heart and my mind. I wish I could do more in my soul and physical world.
I give a lot of myself in several areas that I never talk about.
It's fine cause I feel good in what I do and volunteer my skills for.

But when do you start accepting for yourself?
When there is true need of rest and healing because you can't work on others if you are not right and strong.
Noticed that this pattern is that it all still ends up in service for others
as needed.

I am tired of being alone in my head.
I was a part of something that felt wonderful in acceptance in my heart.
I am sad it is gone.
Hard thing to think someone really "gets" you and appears on the same avenue or speed of growth and willingness to explore.
I want this and I don't want this.
I am afraid if I fail I lose total connection.
So I try to end relationships then work through having them as friends...with the memory being in my heart well the romance went...but the friend stayed.
Did I always choose the same type of friend?
Nope
to much variety

Change in heart direction or fear of having to have someone in my space all the time?
I like people a lot . It just sometimes is all I need ..... to only have a body there but no words spoken. The vibration pattern of the person matters a lot though.

Heh,
tall ladder, huh?
I make it okay to be left behind .... I can accept that an other's growth is on an other's path.
I make it okay that I move on. I have others to learn of so I can understand myself deeper. My drive for doing the best I can for healing.

I want a career change again and I will be testing as soon as I can.
I am DAMN good at massage and need the license with the ability to allow me to travel around. I can take my dog with me anywhere in the world
and while he is growing up and teaching me I can learn to be conservative within my limits and assist in building strength.

Deep thoughts....
By Circe

YAY! It's a day

Today's Z news

keep reality that he is only 10 months old.
I am so pleased with how it is all trying to blend in my life

there has been loss
there had been given times of great joy
trying to find that I am my own life

and the oddest gifts of understanding

when I look on and see

Z and the family that Amanda has found in Jordan.
The precious moments of laughter

a returned gift of love
from burning hearts I know
of friends and family

laughter

all I have to give
share
and show
and even receive

Thanks to be given

Oh my goodness... to wake up excited about traveling to my daughter's in laws!
I really LOVE my "in laws" of my daughter's family.
I have NEVER felt to welcomed and wanted by an extended family. I would love to get to know Sally even more I hope. Talking with her is soothing...and beside...we have a common love: Zephyr :)

imagine that

I also am pleased at my selfless /selfish choice last night. It was a VERY long day for me out for my first REAL event.

Amanda and Zephyr were supposed to spend the night with me last night. Amanda has not seen her son in a week because the Rainey Grandparents brought him back to let Amanda and Jordan focus for a bit in the new place. Amanda has to go to California again for a week on Monday.
I also tend to over exert when totally excited.
Hey friends... I even wore makeup. :)

Zephyr is very active now at crawling and looking around
and vocal about NOT getting what he wants.
Imagine that :)
He is attached more to Jordan because of exposure time.
Another reason for my decision.

Goodness it is HARD not to pick him up.
I now understand that lifting weight tends to compress newly abused bones :)

I think that i did best for me. I will get to see the kids on Saturday when they come over in the area. I am baby sitting their dog and it is nice for his company. He actually minds me and does not tug. Walking a dog again is rather nice :)
I even let Trouble sleep in my bed with me last night :)
(hehehe my sense of humor in that.)

I really wanted to have Amanda and Z here for Mom-Daughter-Grandson time.
Amanda felt so tired. Z was frustrated at the limits of his car rides.
I hurt because I could not sit still.

I told Amanda and Jordan that I love them greatly but that I felt it best that the family STAYED together at Sally and Jerry's home.
They were all situated and Z needed stability at the moment. Travel can be hard on a person. Amanda is getting to experience that lately. She is such a homebody and now she has to leave every other week.
Personally I would LOVE it if I had no attachments at home. I like change.

I cried when I got home...but I KNOW I did right.
I had a friend stop by after he was on his way home from his family. He sat and watched a movie with me which was REALLY awesome to have happen.
I felt like I was relaxed and not having to converse and no threats of DON'T pick up Zephyr.
:)
I heard from my niece via text message
I heard from my Daddy and Mary Lou by phone.
I left messages for Jason and I think he was out of range if he went to Matt's family again.

These "holidays" are hard at times for me.
HAVING to fit into what is commercialized and pressure oriented.

Life is changing dramatically for me.

I had the BEST TIME with my sister Annavee the other day.
She came over and took me grocery shopping..then came home and cooked all day for me while friends had come over to visit with me.
SOME OF THE BEST FOOD in a long time by family members now sit in my freezer.
I love Annavee and I thank her SO MUCH for the selflessness of her giving to me in a time of my needs with physical limitations...for now :)
My sister Jacque had me at her home for 2 days after the hospital. I don't remember too much except for trying to not move and sleeping a lot.
A sweet friend Tia has assisted with most of the care giving at first and driving me too and from.
My friend Linda has been by here everyday checking on me.
I have a neighbor Lee ...I do not know her but EVERYDAY at 10 am she made me lunch and brought it to my door..... EVERYDAY.
Thanks to all for the selfless giving of time.

I really had the best Thanksgiving because I KNOW I was wanted and thrilled to be there.
I always have a place at Sally and Jerry's for every holiday.
I have NO issue with that...beside

My apartment is too small for such wonderful family times.
My sisters have their extended families too.
Actually....ALL of my family does. Never thought of that before.
Jason and I are the only 2 singles in my family.

However

We are NOT the only ones and I give thanks for all of my family...extended, physical, and chosen.

me

me and my world at this moment

This is Jambalaya. I will probably call him Jamby.
He is a mix breed born on Nov 1 JUST before I left for the hospital. I look forward to his time becoming my companion. He is a sweet little thing.

THIS is what it looks like me working from my proper reclining position for now.

EGADS I hate to sit. HEY.... I need a recliner at work. Not an ergonomic upright.

and yes that is a sheepskin I rest upon

I'm working on it

Finally getting a feel for what I CANNOT do right now :)
DAMN do I feel it.
But it doesn't mean that I won't try again soon...but maybe in a different way.

All in all it is confortable now with a backrest loaned to me by the Poole family.
Working from home is a little rough at the time it takes for me to set up...but that will get a rhythym in time.

Thank you to all that visit cook clean help drive talk and type to me.
Correct. No commas. No periods. it seems to be all inclusive at times :)

I LOVE that my sense of humor is here again

• .Interesting Human Body Facts
• -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm
• -A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball
• - It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• -One human hair can support 3kg.
• - Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
• -The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
• -The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
• - A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• - If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
• - Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair
• -There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• - Side by side, 20,000 cells from the human body could cover about one inch.
• - Women blink twice as much as men.
• -The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
• - When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. . . . ..they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
• - It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.
• -You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
• -Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• - If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
• -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

You checked out the length of your thumb.. Didn't you?

A while ago but it brings GREAT fun to my mind

A wonderful sunny Sunday afternoon and friends being goofy.

08 25 2006

Miss ya Marty

It was the music and the laughter.....

ugh

i hate what I have just went through. Total FEAR.
i love that there is no pain however except the healing pains.

Amazing
latest picture of Zephyr!

He reminds me to taste everything in life. I may not like it all but taste it anyway!

I am getting there.

I know there is a lot I don't talk about to family or friends. I do love you all.

I have internet at home now because I have to work from home while I heal. same email as before :)

LOVE!

oh

and remember to taste ALL of life ;)

here I am

i still do not like hospitals

This place is nice however. As soon as I get to my sisters' home, I will write more.
At this time I am very very tired and keep fading too much to write.
Feel free to call me if you find you have time?

Later!

Circe

oh NO!!! but possibilities abound for afterwards

Surgery scheduled this 11/1, thursday, @ 6 am @ baylor in frisco. Lower
lumbar fushion and stablization of L5-S1. TTFN
wheeeeeee




not

lookiong forward to the relief though.


:-*

Log in from cell?

I would enjoy this.

it WAS my birthday when I read this email

Saturday, October 20, 2007



Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,

Happy Birrrrthday Dear Circe,

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!



A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Circe Vogel doesn’t come along all that often. In fact, there’s never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You’re an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.



Quite simply:



You’re the kind of person, Circe,

Who’s hard to forget,

A one-in-a-million

To the people you’ve met.

Your friends are as varied

As the places you go,

And they all want to tell you

In case you don’t know:

That you make a big difference

In the lives that you touch,

By taking so little

And giving so much!



Circe, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn’t know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of Birthdays and an exciting new year in time and space. You won’t be alone!



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Circe!



Mike
Orlando, Florida , USA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thant was nice from a stranger.
Interesting yes?

Life has had too many changes of late.
Dan no longer looks at me as a girlfriend and I am not sure avbout friends at all at this point.
All of you know me.
I look for the ones that make an effort to talk to me.
Avoidance can close doors fast.

THERE IT IS:
no calls : no contact : no response : I won't attempt to bother you again.

Friends make time to at least talk, right?
So I sit here wondering heavily about "friends"

I discovered that I have few REAL friends.
A lot of people I know.
I think I need to be very discerning from this point forward.
Yes I hurt at this loss.

more thna I have ever hurt before.
If this is what LOVE is about....thanks but no thanks.

Yes I am angry and yes I am FINALLY letting it go.

Other things...I am looking into surgery because of the insurance changing and I cannot afford to go through all of this again to have the deductible go higher at this time.

I loved every single call I got from my family.
I adored every single card I received.There are a few friends that came to see me.
Bob and Sharon came with dinner, groceries, and a very tiny perfectly made triple chocolate mousse caked for my birthday.
Only cake this year and it was PERFECT!
Tia came by.
Linda came by and assisted in my house work that I could not do at the moment.
My friend Shelley took me to a museum.
Brian came by for a little bit to introduce me to his girlfriend.
Bday with those friends was fantastic.

thank you to those who accept me as ME.
UNCONDITIONALLY

The rest of you?
dunno

sometimes I sits and thinks......

I get the most wonderful sense of peace when I just "sits and thinks". Times of holding my grandson as he sleeps are most comforting when I hurt so deeply and am confused.

I know I haven't been the best about my bills. I have gotten them down to not being very much in retrospect.
I found out today I have only 11 months left on a very long time car payment.
Yippee!
I applied for a part time job today. I also want to get my certification on massage therapy. So I am looking at school. A very specified school and it may take me a while to complete as I have to do evenings and work out the one weekend day I will have to attend all day on. That MAY make a possible part time employer not to easy to find. We will see about it.
I always get nervous about my bills. I always seem to cut it SO close. I am REALLY tired of it. I do not think I will ever make excellent money in the technology world.
I really don't know what I will be successful at.
One of the guys I work with made a statement to me today. He was telling his fiancé last night about something I had done. Or knew or something like that. She asked Randy If there was anything I COULD NOT do.
I replied of course there is. I don't choose to think that way though. I know I can overcome any roadblock. I can learn anything adn I really can go anywhere I choose.

I just wish what I really hoped for and love was where I was headed.
It isn't anymore.

Work is work.
Driving is driving.
Hold Zephyr is WONDERFULLY cheering.
Talking to my kids is a blessing each time I hear their voices.
With the daughter, son-in-law and grandson about to move to Austin, there really isn't much here for me to do but work. I go see my sisters occasionally but gas has gotten to expensive for that often. I go to see my Mother and Step-Dad but still gas is really expensive.
I have to do some maintenance on my truck that I cannot afford yet. I am dealing with a lot of medical bills right now that was unexpected ...COMPLETELY.

The doctor that injected my back said that the medication may last up to 6 weeks or a little more if I am lucky. I had an adjustment done at a community event and I have not had any pain since.... until this morning. Noticed a twinge but it is more than likely related to loss of sleep. All night I got only 2 hours sleep.
Events kept running through my head. I have to take some really heavy medication to sleep and it didn't even phase me last night. Or rather not long enough.

IF I manage to keep my place in Addison that will be wonderful. I like it. It's smaller than I have had before. But it is only me. Always only me.

Sometimes I wonder why.

Then decide it isn't worth the tears and I have to carry on.

sad sad sad

what was to be the greatest gift has turned to vapors.
I never learned I guess.

looking for new job and new place to live.
maybe a new state if successful.
I know I react emotionally.
I cannot stand the feelings in my heart at this time.
Relocating is the better option.


I guess.

There is a season... turn turn turn

oh my how time flys on by.

back from burning man (pictures to follow)



it has been 2 weeks already? it was a fantastic time!

Dan and I spent most the time walking around and talking together on our perspectives and discussing our life together in future events.



I did come back from the burn event with a very sore and stiff back. Unusually so.

I went to my GP and he sent me immediately to a orthopedic surgeon.
Now this kinda sucks a bit in my opinion. But then again I don't normally LIKE going to see doctors.
Imagine that.
SO...I ended up seeing 3 doctors in the span of 4 hours.
Dang it.
Got sent to have x-rays and then assigned to go have an MRI.
Darn it again.
SO...after x-ray it is clearly seen that I have and area that is a LOT closer than it should be in my spin.
MRI shows the same. (THAT was a painful hour of laying on my back in spasms.)
SUBJECT of next meeting? what to do with Circe
:)
Turns out HE believes it to be degenerative disk disease....with only 1 disk affected?
Hmmm. I know how many times I landed on my ass doing "something".
So I have a collapsed disk at L5-S1.
HOPEFULLY on 9/24/07 @ 2:30 PM the doc will inject my spine with cortisone and it will solve the issue.
OR at least deaden the pain so I can work on therapy exercises to get things into a proper line up.
If not..... then maybe a second one....and if that fails, then the 2nd doc is wanting to fuse the vertebrae.
dang it...... VERY disappointed and hurting right now.

BUT

Burning man was fantastic!
My grandson is growing.
My daughter has been offered a global position with Whole Foods Market.
My son is happy in Florida.
My niece is dating a really NICE guy right now!
Myschevia is coming! A much smaller regional burn that I have gone to since the first one 3 years ago in Cisco.
This has been moved to East Texas now in Hughes Springs. BEAUTIFUL area!

Dan, Sean and I drove up there this weekend to have the boys set up a GP MEDIUM tent. This is a HUGE army tent that is 16'x30'. Amazing how it goes up!
I watched and took pictures while all the people set it up.
10 people: less than an hour and a half to complete.
AMAZING!
Dan tells me it takes 4 to set it up in 2 hours in the army. It took us 10 :)

I am slowly moving a few things here and there down to Dan's (and soon to be mine) place in South Dallas. We are actually just south of Downtown.

Yes, MaryLou... there are pets.
Lucky, the black cat born on a Friday the 13th, is 14.
Zoe, the dog, is 5.
There are DARLINGS.

I hurt guys so I am signing off. Today is the injection. I am sure that I will be online tomorrow with tales of adventure!

Kisses to all.