When Pigs Fly...

a young woman I know came along in my life and shared some wonderful music with me today.

Thanks Chris!

Lyrics for "Just Because" ( click here if you want to listen)

Just Because

Do you ever wonder whose face makes the moonlight?
Do you ever look up and find your face there?
Is it any wonder we find ourselves laughing
with your tongue at my lips and your hands in my hair?
I don't need a reason to savor the Mystery.
All we need to is open up one eye...

I don't need a savior to keep me from tumbling
I'll only kneel for my lover's delight
I don't need a church man to show me what's holy
When I see you in the doorway surrounded in light
I don't need a guidebook to paint out my story
I don't need a road map to find my way back home...

So why? Tell me why! How long? How long?
What if why is just because?

I don't need a doctorate to speak with authority
40,000 years we've been painting in caves
I don't need an answer to each of my questions
When the nape of your neck just won't let me "behave"
I don't need a bible to swear on my conscience
I don't need a stranger to know I'm not alone

So why? Tell me why! How long? How long?
What if why is just because?

I don't need a downbeat to dance in this moonlight
With the drum in my bones Im naked here too
I don't need a lighthouse to find my lover
Filled to my brim with the wanting of you
I don't need a maestro to count out my measure
I don't need a songbook to howl up at the moon

So why? Tell me why! How long? How long?
What if why is just because?

I don't need a reason....

1/6/97

taking time

watching the stars rise at night
seeing where i wish to go in my mind

carefully i placed my trust with you
and all i have is my heart

there were moments of joy
feeling wanted and valued for who i am

hearts dance away to save
the only loss is love

taking time to find a place
of solitude

Stuck inside

gads

1 more week of having to stay indoors.
Almost to a point that is "okay" but not there yet. The more I talk the worse it gets. Trying to behave and it is driving me nuts.

Hard to sit here with no one to talk to except the im's I get. Thank GOD I have a few friends that make a trip to see me.
I was told to stay inside....breathing test on Friday of next week to see how I have improved. Decision day.

This next week goes completely unpaid.
Can't do massages
Can't paint walls

Only the computer is my toy for now. I am tired of sitting around and doing treatments but I sure feel better after each one...as long as I stay inside.

Totally quit smoking at the drop of a hat.
Not an issue.
I like breathing actually.

Eventually.... maybe I can ride my bike again.
Climbing would be great too as long as it is outdoors :)

keep breathing

Chris....
GREAT ADVICE!!!!

hehe

My daughter is stressed ... so was/am I. I think I had a gift come out of the "babes mouth" tonight. My friend Brian Gagnon told me to stop asking why.

Amazingly I feel calm and I am looking forward to discovering the same calmness in the morning.

Interesting turn of mind and I am relieved it arrived.
Time to rest adn let the healing continue. Hopefully no dream answers. My brain is tired and my heart needs to just pump the blood around IN my body.

I go to see the doc again tomorrow. Hopefully to be released from house arrest (WHICH I did not know he had placed me on!). Marty told the doc I went outside today....he blew a gasket apparently.
I also think Marty likes telling me tall tales in foreign accents to make me laugh and relax. My doctor is East Indian and has a FABULOUS sense of humor!

Antje today understood my need for the type of hugs I give/get/trade/need and supplied more than I could hold in my heart. I wish I was not so stuck in my head because when you needed me... I was not there for you. We have had several moments though thoughout our friendship. You were right in what you said. Time to work on things and I appreciate your love.

Marty and Brian made me laugh with a beer, food, and a dvd-on-the-couch-folding-laundry-night.

Just hanging out. And get this...



we had the TV up REALLY loud cause Marty (nor Brian... nor I) could hear what was being said on the screen for some reason.

No... it isn't age.



Well maybe for two of us it us :)


No need to ask why

I like that Brian.

Thanks

Love

today.....feels so empty

bored as hell with physical restrictions

worked on a massage last night adn it damn near made me pass out.

i have another massage today and hopefuly it will be better.

wow.

what a life i lead

woke up with no thoughts or dreams because of the medication and i feel empty

the good thing of today?
i am going to go see my sister for a little while this morning.

btw

yes I did remove some posts that were recently made.
All is as it should be.

cha-cha-cha-changes

time to turn around
look at the changes i need to make me healthy again.

sometimes I spread me too thin to try and please all but myself. i haven't taken very good care of my health due to getting back into very old and negative patterns.

gotta change that all.

the most important things RIGHT NOW?
-my mental and physical health
-my looking for a new job that I am not stressed about
-my coming grandchild/children
-my bills being taken care of
-my truck being taken care of
-finding that i do not "need" but can choose


There is sadness in my life but oddly I feel calm.

It is not my nature to make people feel bad. I try to make them feel good. Guess maybe the thought to recognize is that I cannot make people feel better or worse. They can do it for themselves. I have to remember what my Dad says a lot of....
you need to take care of you FIRST and then the rest will follow.

So I got caught up in what was supposed to be a loving realtionship. I think I understand the passion and love I have for my family.
I understand the love I have for my closest friends AND I need to learn to designate a FRIEND from an aquaintance.

I think I really need to learn a lot more of my reactions and responses.

My friends know where to look me up to see what is happening in my life.
Some of the people I will miss deeply because I enjoyed them trememdously.

Time to turn around and make my changes again.

To much coming up to avoid my life.

Very frustrated

I start to see daylight in handling bills and then WHAM!
I ended up dealing with a hospital, my GP doctor, and a pulmonary specialist for my lungs.

That's right folks! My lungs. Asthma mixed with a serious case of bronchitis. Sheeze...

SO...NO more smoking at ALL. Period. Even if I am TOTALLY stressing out or freaking out. I can't do it anymore.
Allergies have hit me hard this year. My roommate Tracy has a dog that is out side all the time now (it helps!)
and I feel awful. At least there is breathe getting to the lungs now. 7 prescriptions...and 4 have dizziness effects (seriously) and 2 are HIGHLY narcotic so I have to be careful with that also.

I am breathing better today. Got to talk to Dan for a brief minute after seeing the HR reps at my office. It was nice.
I do not like the meds however. Feel kinda doped and 'off'. I really am doing okay. I have to use the nebulizer for amonth until the lungs clear up. I am also staying out of the sun because of 2 medications warnings. (bad reaction to UV)

Tonight I am supposed to head to Mark Menosky's for a BM meeting. unfortunately I will not get to go to Burning Man. The doctor HEAVILY recommended I don't.
The lungs are at a delicate balancing act at this time.
I like living so I will behave.
Hard, but I can do it!

Well that is all for now.
Time for the nebulizer and a nap.

I need to remember this

Thinking that the past or present somehow forecasts the future, neglects the otherwise obvious facts that one of the greatest certainties of all time and space is that things always get better. That no matter how challenging any given set-back is, eventually it will make possible the attainment of even greater heights than were previously imaginable. And that you knew exactly what you were doing when you once said, "Time and space? I'm totally there, dude..."

plop plop ...fizz fizz...

it is amazing at the pure joy you can see in a child's face by a simple act.

finding a pair of pants that FIT a young pregnant woman.

amanda fits perfectly into a size 2 maternity pant that we found in target. That's right... A SIZE 2. i never before realized how marketing is conditioned to take your regular size (pre-pregnant) and make them almost 2 sizes more but labeled at the same size (pregnant for SURE) in clothing. not all pregnant women grow in the butt and hip.
the pants fit wonderfully though
:) a bonus :)

i need to post some pictures of amanda. i am amazed at the appearance of her small stature seemingly swallowed up by a beginning life. she is beautiful.

amanda posts enough about her emotional drive right now...i do understand it. i remember. friday though, amanda and i are going to see grannie jaye. my momma. i am looking forward to it immensely.
i get to chat at jason occasionally. he is settling in and doing well. hopefully he will blog again soon. i haven't seen jordan or chandra in a while. maybe time to call the kids all together and have a discussion!

time to plan some things. time to laugh.

On vacation

from stress.

I have had enough of the emotional rollercoaster rides.
Even told Dan that when I picked him up from work yesterday.
I am tired of feeling stressed...I am on vacation.
Permanently.

Life is for learning, loving and laughing. Why do I have to be like everyone else?
It is perhaps some of the reason I do not progress as fast as I know I can at my job. I get pulled into thinking to much about my reactions and my emotions. I work in COMPUTERS adn they are unemotional. Inanimate. THEY do what I script.

I am just trying to find out what makes me happy. What interests my mind and satisfies my creative points. I like not having to take the meds. The emotions are a bit crazy...and sleep has been difficult...but I think I am doing healthy good things.

So...vacation from stress starts at getting rid of the junk in the house. I have time for all I want to do. I do not have to give in to guilts about WHY I needed to not do something. I am taking care of myself. Sometimes Marty helps in that. He watches out for me and so does Dan. I am very well taken care of by MORE family and friends, too.

OKAY!!!

Gotta get the DL updated!
Have a blast of a day!

C

lots of things

yeah yeah yeah
i cannot afford to pay doctors and my bills and eat.
so no more psychiatrist or psychologist or
medications.
way to expensive even in the co-pay.

so what
i may be a bit freaky emotionally. there is going to be some roller coaster rides (pay attention Amanda) in what i write.
i am trying to live without the assistance of the drugs that make my brain function correctly. it has been a long time that i have had the need to take the medications. it is going to fell like a long time before i find balance in my head without them.

there are a lot of things i am concerned about right now.
most require money to take care of them.
that is something i am in need of at the moment.

i have one roommate that is really causing financial stress. my other roommate will be leaving before the end of our contract.

how the hell do i get into these things.
i think the best thing is for me to have my own little place. an apartment that i can place my gear in comfortably.
Marty may have to use a storage...but without his guarantee that he will return in 1 year...i cannot afford to keep stressing on roommates.
we will see what happens. Marty is going to Korea to teach again.
he is also going to miss the birth of my granddaughter.
we are both sad about that.
in genera, i am sad and i want to hide away and not feel. it is overwhelming at times.
i heard from my son who just moved to Florida. awesome that he is so jazzed about his life.

a girlfriend used the word despondent to describe me today.
gee thanks
actually it probably needed to be said. i ended up looking at the synonym of hopeless and that really scared me.

it is not in my nature to be hopeless. why did that draw my attention? is my situation going to be a battle that i lose all?
if so / let it be.
i have survived other things. what is one more?
strength is what it turns into.

i can and have started over before. maybe this time i need a new location entirely/what about my daughter and granddaughter/ to see what i am made of / i want to be here to help when needed and watch her grow/ and to learn to truly LET GO of people.

see what I mean? confused.
i am tired of it.

i will be fine after i talk awhile with my spirit. i need to see if i can find a new path to tread.

Happy Birthday Marty!

ALL of my loved ones know about my bestest friend, Marty.
He has been teh closest friend I have ever had. He has supported me when I was a total freak in emotionsal reactions.

So to show "The Love" I woke him up at 5:30 this morning.
Walked boldly into his dark and snoring filled bedroom.
Sang him "Happy Birthday".
Gave him 36 little taps on his butt while he was trying to sleep.
Left the house and went to work.

Happy Birthday to you, Marty!
What an adventure your life has been and the best is yet to come!

I love you Special, my dear friend.

Wow


46


and you are lookin' GOOD!

**kisses**

A note from the Universe....

Now THIS is a great reminder to look at my day in hope!

Love to all!!!!
@}-- @}-- @}-- @}-- @}-- @}--


You know, it's totally possible to have big, huge, gigantic dreams, Circe, yet still be deliriously happy with today.
I call it the built-in double-happiness redundancy factor.
Tallyho,
The Universe

sounds of life

coming from my daughters tummy :)
WIsh Whoosh Wish WHOosh...
152 bpm Dr says "girl...oh yeah."

It is a wierd moment in my life.
Seeing my daughter at 24, rounded with a child.
Knowing at 4:35pm my son of 23 takes off on an adventure of his life. He is moving to Florida. Orlando , Florida.

Amazed in the strength both the kids have in facing and choosing their life paths.

Do not fear that time is short. Do not forget to have fun and love.

No matter where you are...so is my heart.
I am so very proud of your choices and willingness to face life.

Proud and amazed.

it does get better

just a matter of pulling my head out every once in a while.
went bike riding on friday with Rob. had a BLAST! it was pretty humid but the ride was easy and relaxing.
I have learned something though.
I need to loosen the hold on my right shoe for the pedals.
I fell over like the old man on the tricycle...just fell right on over onto my right side.
Actually...I was riding and a HUGE bug flew into my helmet. I turned my head left as I was floolwing where the trail started turning right and BOP down I go.
Pretty funny actually and then a few bruises (knarly looking) but I was not hurt much.
Embarressed yes...hurt only a little, mind you.

Then I have spent the other days at my boyfriend's (Friday and Saturday) home. I was actually fairly lazy and not running around like crazy. I rode my bike through downtown Dallas and really enjoyed it.
last night I was taken to dinner with other friends and had the most fantastic Sushi I have ever had in my life.
Tei-Tei I think the name of the place is.
Down on Knox-Henderson on the east side of 75 Central Expressway.
we did go to Absinthe lounge for a meet up with a couple of other friends...then I was back at his place and heading for bed at 10:45. Work was this morning @ 7 am.
I was really very still and not doing much this weekend. Mostly taking naps and watching Dan build a server.
over and over again :) 'tis the function of learning you see ;)

I do apologize but you guys will find that i can be reached by email or call my son. My phone is off for a little while.
*sigh*
sometimes the bills are too much all at once.

that is okay though. I have been cleared to do the massages again and to exercise as I will.
finally!

SO.... who is up for some riding?
Maybe rock climbing instead with all the rain on the trails.

Give me a call!!! OOPS! hehehe
send an email! or IM.

=)

a whole lotta shite

... sometimes you just have to face a nasty situation running head on.
TOO much going on of late to make a lot of sense. I am not one to directly look at offending ANYONE. Not my nature. I have had enough however. The company I currently work for sux. Not only am I more stressed out than I have been in years, I am TRULY beginning to hate Tech Support. This has been something I have wanted to do since HIGH SCHOOL. My longest known friend pointed that out to me a few months ago. "you finally made it in computers, Circ! Remember? Always talking about what you wanted to learn...always learning." Thanks, Leslie...I had forgotten about it actually.

I am not comfortable in the PREMISE of the company either. It seems to be focused on people paying money that they really canot afford to pay JUST to talk to idiots. Can't really say where I work ....I would have to injure you?

Right...

the other thing is having to realize that by February I may very well need to locate an apartment all of my own.
that doesn't thrill me in the least. But hey, you know what? It may lead me to leave Texas finally.
I was talking with Marty last night. Until 1 am. He is my BEST friend and I will miss him terribly when he goes again to another country. He will be doing this all of my life I suppose. In the USA for a year or two and gone to another country for a year perhaps two.
So all of the stuff moves with me again....whether he moves WITH ME or not. I hate storage facilities. I may just keep a few items out of his though.
His family pictures...his TV... maybe the motorcycle :)
He thinks I won't ride it while he is gone. HA! I'll even get a license this time! :)

I have managed to live TRULY by myself only a total of 6 months to a year. I don't like it. I don't really need people home with me...but to know that someone IS home is important.
I honestly stay pretty silent in my head most of the time. I can talk and be in a crowd but I would rather observe than participate. Even though it seems that my mental wanderings seem to strike a funny bone occasionally.

My son leaves next week for his new home in FL.
My daughter is pregnant (WONDERFUL thing this is!)
My other rommate needs to get the money act together.
I NEED TO BE THE SAME.
I hate seeing how much I have avoided in taking care of MY shit. I hate looking at my home desk.
I know where everything is. I know what I owe. I am beginning to agree with Marty that the USA is a place that swallows up the people. It is really geting hard to get ahead.
I hate living paycheck to paycheck adn it seems that is what I always end up doing.
I try to help out my kids when I can. That hasn't been very often of late.

Maybe I just need to really look at core values
That needs to be reserved for another blog of mine.

I asked my friend Regina (while I was receiving a MUCH needed hug) to not let me dissapear again. IT is getting to the point that I need to. I also have Marty here telling me "sure....pull the Circe Thingy Act"...eh? What do you MEAN ...

"You always always always let someone get to know you just SO MUCH and then you bolt and run like hell,"
"You cannot be afraid to let things or people grow in your life"
"You need to really learn to TRUST Circe...not just me and your kids or your family"
"YOU need to relax about yourself Circ....."

These are things Marty keeps catching me on. Old habits of action. He has been there for about 5 years now. My honest feelings? I would be so much safer not loving all of the people I know. I hurt at this time cause I really am scared. I don't like for ANYONE to know I am scared.

I want to withdraw. I want to just not be anywhere today.
Yet, I have to be.
a friend and I are going to go ride bikes this morning. this will help. I am not used ot being inactive adn it seems that I have so many fucked up worried emotional issues of late that my health is taking a hell of a toll. I haven't been climbing or running in a very long time. My biking has dwindled. I feel like it is slipping away.

I totally disagree with accusing ANYONE of being selfish. I will use the word narcissistic in description of a few people I know...but that is the way they are happy.

I do not judge ANYONE. I try hard not to state what is not proven to ME. Even when someone that has decided I am the cause of a situation in their life that has occured ONLY because of their decisions.

I cannot be blamed for another's choices NOR will I accept it.
I have one woman I need to talk to about this subject.

I have several friends, or aquaintences, that my closer friends ask why I 'hang out with people like that'. Ya know why?
Cause I was like that once, too.
You ALL do NOT KNOW me. You only know the woman I have become.

Damn free spirited. Marty laughingly made the comment that He would HATE to be the one that had to try to control me...I would say F**K O** and do it anyway.
He laughingly said that my final household there would be two that wore the pants. DAMN straight!
I will never give up the ability to make a decision again. NEVER

I am too afraid to really trust that deeply again.
I feel like there was this woman that died long ago inside. She cannot be resurrected and she was valuable. She died.

I wish I could say that the current PRIMARY lover would understand. I do not think anyone will ever understand actually. I don't give them the chance :)

I think I need to go.
It is time to ride.

Where the heck is Rob????

it flew straight through

time that is.
too many blogs to let people know 'who i am' without personal interaction?

this is a journal.

interesting things
hurtful things?
frustrations? (maybe)

trying to find what i did to me. YES!

hang in there boys!
It's gonna be a bumpy ride

been a little busy of late :)

yep! if you have tried to catch me of late...it has been nearly impossible :)
not only have i been doing a lot of OT... there has been massages... a boyfriend... a daughter that is pregnant... a son getting ready to move to FL....
i also have been doing a few odd jobs here and there.

TIME TO SLOW DOWN!

time to be on the bike more.... get to the climbing gym... and finding time to relax.

several friends have told me I am too busy.
they are right.

i will attempt to alleviate some of it. some has already been stopped but that leaves an opening for something else.
hehehe never ending cycle of becoming a mom and staying that way.
sometimes it is simpler because my mind doesn't process thoughts all the time then. it focuses on a chore and attempts to understand how to make my timing appropriate for the task.
yes.... i tend to run late to events.
getting a little better at it at this time.

otherwise...life is rolling along nicely.

everything seems to be landing in perfect timing no matter what time frame i have in place.

moving outwards of the self

looky looky!

Most of you know my daughter. She normally is very slender (115 lbs at 5'4).
She is STILL slender...but notice the little tummy?
That is a picture of a woman at 9 weeks pregnant!
it is SO cute!
She walks around stroking her tummy and smiles alot. That is when she isn't dealing with morning sickness!

So much morning sickness...MUST be a girl (or possibly GIRLS???)
I got to see the sonogram.....can't tell much at 9 weeks :)
the next sonogram I believe will define if there are 2 or not.

Stay tuned!

Gosh I am excited to be a grandmother!

Fly...

fly me to the moon and rest there in the light
the soft pulling of the earth below
rain is in the mist of the breath of the stars
sightings of laughter and play
listening to the questions of my heart

fly me to the moon
distance me from the pain of what has been in my heart
feeling of light and laughter draws me close
actively involved in the game
answers coming to my mind

flying away again

Anime Day

ever need to have your day filled with Characters?
today would be a perfect day to go see the A-Kon 17 Convention! My son adn I are about to go to it and enjoy our day together!
I'll write more later on!

Falling

Marty went climbing with Antje, Mark B, and Richard today. (Stoneworks Climbing Gym "Climbing Rats") They were on natural rock in Mineral Wells. ALL are experienced and are safe great climbers.

"Marty fell"

I got a call from Antje and that was all I heard. It was very broken up and it was hard to hear. Didn't realize they were going to the hospital. I am SO glad they went.

Marty is my bestest friend. My roommate. My coworker. My ride to the hospitals when I am injured.
:)

He is at home now and looks pretty narly.
He broke his nose, his right hand ring finger, and he has 12 stiches in his split lip.

He never looked so good to me as he did when he walked into the house this evening.
It could have been a lot worse. Thank you for taking care of him Antje. I know Richard and Mark were important on it also. Thank you all.
Mark Menosky says he will babysit Marty tomorrow if needed.
THAT will be entertaining.

Thought I would post a pic for you to see he is "Alive and Well"?
Well his is, sorta....






TO My Daddy, my sisters, Mom and my children....
DO NOT SAY IT... we are both aware that our preferred avenues of entertainment are dangerous. We enjoy the exertions and testing of our abilities. Being best friends and doing things together keeps us safe though.

Love ya, Marty. Sure was good to see you walking in the door tonight. :*

what kind of soul are you?

Thanks to my son-in-law, Jordan!

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Not truly agreeing with the TOTAL concept...there were questions that the answers to could go either way. It was interesting, none the less.

My reasonings

I have not much patience of late with the sense of indecision within my head. I am in waiting for the change that is currently evolving within my life. The hymnal that reverbrates is "be still and be known" in my heart.

Yes..I have strong faith in the creation of the thoughts leading me to where I need to be. I remember a couple of years in my life when all hell was coming down and somewhere deep inside I felt calm. Still. Peaceful. Just looking to see the view and which path I choose to try now.
That same feeling is occuring now.

I like the steadiness of my emotions AT THIS MOMENT in time.

all I can say is


mmmmmmmm

Uncle Leroy Adney

May you rest peacefully.
You passed on 5/29/06 @ 4:30 PM after a stroke 3 days ago.
I got the call from my Daddy.

I remember such wonderful childhood 4th of July celebrations. The truckbed was loaded with all kinds of fireworks! Watching you balance on your finger tips like a table while letting all of the kids try to make you fall. Listening to you preach when it wasn't welcomed....but I loved you anyway.

You were the last of my Daddy's brothers. He has only his sister Aunt Neat and his Uncle Jay (my great uncle of 98) left now. There are cousins a plenty...but these are the LAST of the adults that tried to teach us 'things'.

You landed on Normandy on D-Day. YOU took the time to teach me how to shoot a gun behind my Daddy's wishes too.

May you find your friends from the wars waiting for you.
May you find your belief in God was as strong as you needed to be by your saviours side.

Rest in Peace Uncle Leroy.

Silent peace

oh yeah

another blog I have running:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=31104548

it states today:
" another thing happened as I was walking across the floor "

damn it

i was almost completely healthy and now THIS

i walked across a friends apartment floor...wood floors and they are lacquered (not well, but there is a finish) ...and decided it was time to resurface his homes flooring. So what is a friend to do but remove the flooring to assist her friend in the ultimate goal.

a new floor

i just forgot to use any tools or wear shoes so I had a massive piece of wood in my foot.

very very very very painful

I tried to remove it...my friend tried to remove...no luck. i tried later that evenig and thought I had gotten most of it out.



WRONG WRONG WRONG



I woke up this morning and my foot is swollen and red. PAINFULLY so. not much sleep last night either. PAINFULLY so.

I went into work and figured I could hit PrimaCare for lunch.

HA! It was throbbing by 8 am. I stayed at work for as long as I could and decided to hell with it cause I am SERIOUSLY in pain.

my 'boss' askes me 'Do you need to go right now?"

I waited until there was plenty of coverage. I need to go NOW.

I ended up having PrimaCare dig on my foot for almost 1.5 hours. then I was refered to the hospital. The hospital will only refer me to a surgeon. Same thing with the SECOND hospital...refer only to a surgeon.

DAMMIT I HAVE A PPO! I don't need referrals. I need the sad piece of wood OUT of my foot!!!

SO I remembered the doc that fixed my toe: he took me in and removed the offending object.

Mind you...it hurt like hell....but he did manage to get a painkiller into my foot pad....FROM THE TOP SIDE OF MY FOOT!

Can we say... (add anything you wish at this moment)

It was not as painful as when they kept trying to shoot the stuff in to the canyon everyone was making in my foot.

FINALLY it's numb! Dr Koriekipen got out a 1/4" long thumb tac. It isn't a normal splinter. Remember...I was attempting to resurface his floor.

Now I can't get my foot wet for a week...nor can I climb...nor can I bike... and I am on CRUTCHES for goodness sakes...so walking is a tad limited too.

Dang it Amanda...you must be right for once ;)
~~~~~~~~~```

Now...is EVERYONE caught up?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

matters not

i am here today
tomorrow there is no promise
patience they say and you will find your way
to those places? it matters not

busy at nothing day

have bike will travel :)
same old Circe on the ride again.
Came into work and I think I am the only one here.
I am bored as hell and pissed off about it too.

GREAT attitude don't ya think?

i carried my bike with me today. I plan on riding at lunch adn after work.
Time to get the fat off the ugly.

It is already hot outside but I really don't care.

I am supposed to go spend time with a girlfriend and her daughter (and friends) on a rooftop tomorrow to swim

I don't feel like it anymore.
guess i had better call her about it too.
sigh

so hopefully it will be a fine time in the woods today.
Since I have tomorrow off.....maybe I need ot go camping instead?

YEAH!
That sounds like more fun!
I may go see if I can borrow Pahsha from the vet for a trip.....who knows...maybe I drive to Colorado for the day?
nah.... to far...but I can go to Tyler or to Cleburn.

good trails there too.


Hope you all have a fantastic holiday!

Drama.... Say it while waving hands in the air

I stay to freaking much in my head
over analyze and debate on the 'proper way' to deal with an overflow of emotions.
yes....I did talk with the psychologist. She wants me back on the antidepressants. I disagree.
so there.

I have a mental image of myself right now that is scary. I use the blog to write out frustrations, hopes, and joys.
to announce great news of joy.
sometimes just so that my kids know where I am at.

a dear friend has told me before that I am way to hard on myself.
I guess so. Fortunately I would rather destroy myself than give another man a chance to do it.

sorry for all I put my family through.

learning HOW to categorize and masticize my inner conflicts and seeing the levels of unworthiness I feel about myself are hard.

I must still be broken.

don't worry Amanda...I promise not to influence the babies. Or I will try not to at least. ;) well maybe a little.

I have been riding my bike again. The feel of the trees and the sounds of the leaves as you go through the paths of trails.....The feel of drawing in a breath and looking ahead for the next bend or dip. Marty and I rode at a park we had not been to in a year. It is an easy trail but has good technical twists at the beginning.
looking forward to when I can ride quickly through them again. Need more practice.

I have been getting back to massages since the doc says it is okay now. Chest is feeling pretty good. I have attempted to climb some...Not successfully but it will take some time to get the tendons and facia to behave. It is much better though.

I may get to have complete weekends off soon. I hope so. It has been a year since I worked Monday's through Friday's. Schedule changes:)

while the drama is going in on my head please realize that I am not going to be physically available for much visiting.

unless my children need me.

I will be biking on Mondays and Wednesdays after work. LB Houston is close to the offices and I get off at a decent time. a few hours each night is good.
climbing is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sure hope the office gets Marty on a day schedule soon. I miss him hanging out and climbing.
Fridays, Saturdays...Massage clients (while I am still not working on Fridays)

Tracy is doing a fantastic job on the mosaic tables at absinthe lounge.
I do not need to be there anymore. She is a really fantastic artist and can bring to life the vision of the tables.

all in all...It is time to be self sufficient again. Independent.

look at me! I can do it 'all by myself'

it's lonely though in the heart.

OMG I finally think I got it

all of this head freak out stuff i have been trying to process isn't anything else but learning how to deal with emotionally unavailable men as friends

only as friends

i can't afford to forget that lesson ever again.
only as friends...always....

nothing more can ever be

oh... and Lefty????

you are right again.
wonder when i will learn

C

emotional

but probably a bit premature. a compainion i have not.
friends do abound in my life and maybe that is all i am supposed to be. i am a bit tired of this heart dance. i hate the pain and the feeling of failure.

i do love....but it is best to forever stay silent on it.

today i truly hurt mentally, emotionally, and if i don't ride my bike right i will hurt physically.

it is okay
i will get through the day

but distance has won


for my children: do not worry sweet babies. i am fine. just closing doors again.

laughing out loud...and then wondering

get this: todays horoscope

Quickie: Keep on going -- you are on the right track and you know it. Confidence is growing.
Overview: Put your money where your mouth is. You're not making a sacrifice when you really believe in your cause. Have some faith in where you're going even if you can't quite see the road ahead.
Daily singles love
If you need to let someone down gently, get it out of the way early while your natural diplomatic skills are peaking. Tonight you'll still be nice, but you may want to move on to other things.
Daily extended
Little by little, your confidence is expanding, and you'll see that more clearly than ever today. People are noticing a change in you, although few of them are secure enough in themselves to tell you how impressed they are by your accomplishments. Others may be holding onto a bit of jealousy, but that's their choice and it really isn't coloring how much they do love you. A family member you don't always agree with is ready to see things your way.


There are many things I am concerned about today. However, I cannot stop nor start anything.
My son and I had a conversation this morning. I love him so very much. He is really accepting of my choices and still continues to love me and his family....even though he is distant from us emotionally and in communications.

Jason....I am PROUD of you. NO MATTER WHAT.
You were my last gift of a child that I brought into the world. I know things are weird right now. Believe in your choices, my HoneyBoy.

Amanda....enjoy this time of pregnancy. It is the MOST amazing and creative thing you will ever experience.


To those that are the closest to my heart
I love you
no matter what


I have to laugh at the depth and swings of my emotions right now. Happens when you tell the doctor/psychatrist that you are no longer wanting to deaden your emotions and they are not to pleased with your decision. But that is the WHOLE IDEA...it is MY decision.

I can deal with the 'hurts' just not sure I do it to everyone else's standards.
Everyone has an opinion, including me.

Other things?
too many

for a 'short blog session' but eventually you will see me around.
Probably in places you didn't expect.

For now...It is Time

to ride
solo

and hit the trails and see what path I choose now.

My little Run-a-way

Nasty habit of wanting distance when I can't make sense of my emotions.

I have a boyfriend. HE said it first. HE describes himself as MY boyfriend. Do you know how weird that is? A good weird but it is something I have not claimed in a while. He started out as a friend. I have no clue where this is gonna go. It 'just is' right now and I accept the timing.

I sound a bit emotionally distant even to myself. A friend called me manic. Another one called me over emotional. That worries me.
I do not really talk about all that is occuring, I try to divert attention to others, I can get through it all eventually.

Too much is emotional at times. I am learning to deal with it though.
I don't really think I am dealing well with it at all.
Emotions
supposed to be a part of your life to really enjoy your living


This is one of the reasons that I got off of the antideppressants. I need to learn how to feel again.
The meds helped a lot in geting past the suicidal wish of 4 years ago. Damn near made it that time :)
Thank you, Nona. Again you directed me well. I do miss you. I do not think you would like me now.

Too confused.

Why is it that confusion makes me distance from everyone?
to mentally hurt myself and degrade myself
to keep myself from deserving?
from wanting?
have NO FUCKING IDEA
all I know is I want to run from pain...from the mental anguish of tryingto figure out where the hell this emotion belongs in my life.

maybe i need to be on the anti's again. I don't want them though
i am tired of being physically limited.

All things from my view

It is a time of great fun and learning. Amanda is getting to learn how to deal within her ideal of what occurs within herself and her faith in creation.
I am amazed at the sense she has of her own inner workings. This will bring a need for her to look into her mind also.
Motherhood is a total concept of self analysis and wonder at how we manage to do so much.

There are many changes occurring in my life right now. I am strongly interested to have myself check out some more schooling and change my career again.
I have discovered more emotions than I had previously even hoped could be discovered.
I am proud of my niece and her taking care of her life and recognizing her ability to succeed through her decisions.
I have been amazed at the nacity of Jason and his attempts to seek good employment.

I adore my life right now.
Love
Growth
Laughter

all is good

For Momma

Every year I write a poem for you , Momma.

The times have been so full of wonder and amazement in learning how to be and all the times you let me get to what I needed to be.

I understand the mirade of emotions you felt when I told you of grandchildren.
The miracle of seeing my baby having a baby/babies.
The remembered fears that only you could put to rest.
The questions I had at ALL hours of the day and your willingness to talk to me about ALL of them.

Momma, for this Mother's Day 2006
THIS is your poem:

There was wonder when I opened my eyes
there you stood above me
reaching with your eyes
your smile
your hands

Finding this small child looking up to you
you never failed to take notice
laughter in your voice
singing with your voice
praising with your voice

I wandered many trails as a small human
you always had the door open
waiting for my questions
giving advice
giving love

Momma
There is no other that carries my heart like you do
generation to generation
I learned how to be human because of you.


Momma.....I hope to be like you
with the small ones that come
and grow
and go


Thank you Momma for teaching me
For believing in me
For being there
being here now
and being who you are.


Circe Rexene
5/12/06

Pirates!

My pirate name is:

Dread Pirate Bonney

Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Aye, there me mates! Was a wee bit o fun trying to see how I fared in the rough seas of bein a Pirate.
Having to expose oneself for all to fear.

:)
My daughter had it on her blog....I copied! I copied! I copied!

hehehe
Let's see how well SHE can make copies :)
hint hint.....
maybe TWINS???

Come talk to yer GranMommie Dread Pirate Bonney my sweetings!

New Status in MY Life

I am informed that I will be a GRANDMOTHER!!!
I am SO totally thrilled for my daughter and Son-in-law Jordan!

I bet there are twins :)

Congrats to my sweet children.

I am TOTALLY thrilled.

I am not here today

ugh

When Pigs Fly...

Circe's Daily Libra Forecast
	Quickie: Take some time to summarize the past few months. Do an inventory on your progress.
	Overview: Some equal and opposite financial impulses are at war right now. You want something shiny and appealing, yet you know that your current means don't allow you to pay for it. Don't make any sudden moves. Wait and hope.
Libra
Daily singles love (by Astrology.com) Sun-Tzu said that sometimes the best way to win is by doing nothing at all. You are in such a position right now, and should find a way to actively sit still until the time is right for action. - Horoscopes by Email - Romantic Compatibility - Dating Do's and Don'ts
Daily extended (by Astrology.com) Looking forward into life is a great way to aim for positive changes, and living in the moment is always good -- but today it's looking back that will offer you the most reward, entertainment and insight. You may think that the past few months were fairly uneventful, but they weren't. Major shifts occurred that you'll only now be able to understand. Time has given you a different perspective on the people you brought into your life, and you will see them in a new light. - Horoscopes by Email - Celebrity Compatibility - Dating Do's and Don'ts

I thought this was funny as all get out. I am in a quandry and I don't like the way I am thinking. When Marty and I were going to Sonic for his Chocolate Malt with DOUBLE chocolate there were all of the great OLD TIMER Songs being played that had uplifting senses of fight for what you want and to be patient and to have faith in the other and Trust....

jeeze almighty

got the message?

I worry so about the kids and my family of late. Then again I also require a lot of seperation at Spring and Fall seasons. I really love being active and outdoors.

I am trying to behave and take care of myself...but I need time to process a lot of head floss.

AMANDA:...I will not be driving anywhere. ;) I promise.

JASON: I am so pleased with your progress and attitudes.

CHANDRA: Blessings Be my littlest princess.

I am ONLY writing dear ones.

Jackie: Baby Sis I am so sorry about Natosha Lee. I have pictures to share of her.

Annavee: Hey Seesteeerr! I do think of you often, I just don't slow down well.

Momma and Michael, Daddy and MaryLou:

I AM FINE. I PROMISE=)

I need to find a different way of expressing and I am not happy at the mosaic art tables right now. I need sunlight.I need the trees and the wind.

GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!!!

[I actually have a wave file of Marty's voice saying this. He left it for my 'mail call' on the PC so I wouldn't miss him nagging me :) ]

Sera 'n dippity

My bike. Sera n Dippity **and you guess who belongs to which part of the name :) **
I really miss riding my bike. I think it is time to SLOWLY get out there and start riding again. Gentle rides at first. Serene and complete. That's the Sera part talking.
'n Dippity says" sheeet.... talk about FUN on the dips and catching air!"

I originally named her Serendipity because I needed the perspectives of where I was at the time. Mike (aka Lefty) came up with the recognition of what it was "REALLY all about" and provided the name plate for me with his PTouch. I thought it was fantastic to have the parody visible for all to ponder on. Henceforth: Sera 'n Dippity

I write today because I am really a bit concerned about my mental attitude recently. Old habits seem to be appearing and I am almost unknowingly acting out and then getting to review what I forgot about my life lessons so far. Fudgettes and Hrumps.

I will be talking to the psychologist on Monday. Think I need to be on some type of the antidepressants again and hopefully a smaller dose. The other dosage I was taking was not allowing for my expressing deep emotions. All were a "flat line" type.
Maybe I like roller coaster rides to much.
I remember describing that in an NA meeting long ago. 1995. I said I was tired of the emotional roller coaster ride. That I was looking forward to the easy rolling hills.

Until I could not cry when needing to.
It has built up a different type of stress recently and I am observing in retrospect that acting out has become a reaction/response. Sounds like I am describing a child at times. Feels like childish behavior. Forgetting my responsibilities and wanting to just drive. Anywhere.

The bike for me is a better solution to taking off driving. Need to start carrying her in the back of my truck. I am told to take it really easy for a bit by the doctor however. We all know how well I listen at times.
=)

I can't stand being still. I get into mental trouble. I get stubborn and start acting childish. I hate that part of my character, it shows to me that I am still dealing with fears.

I know that the first step is the thought of what you want to experience. I know that I do not wish to experience again a feeling of betrayal.
To myself
To those I love
To those I once knew

Right now it is a bit hard to see myself and know that there are changes quickly coming. I need my independence back and the feelings I get when I ride are just that.

It is me
my bike
and the trail I choose to ride upon.

Storms and winds

I know that the weather causes concern for many.
I like the ferocity of storms. They used to scare me.

Now they hold fascination of noticing CHANGE
that is lightening fast. High energy. Enlightening and at the same time destructive.
Ever changing weather.

That is the same as life.

I haven't spoken much about my life of late. Been busy figuring out where it belongs in my memories.
Nothing bad... just finding a way to catalog my thoughts.
there is this man that has hit my heart and soul.

We have known each other for quite a while now.
He is a friend and a lover... a calming companion as well as a enthusiastic playmate.
I have a few people that know about his existence but I do not want to expose him to all I know until I am secure in where this is going.
I am tired of building hope and having it disappear.
I had given up thinking that there was a companion for me to share my life with.
SO very few of my friends know that I am seeing someone rather intensely. My children don't understand why I 'disappear' and cannot be reached by phone.

It is lightening my dears.

Lots of interesting changes are occurring in my life.

I am having to learn to deal with my emotions.
No medications.
It is different waking up 'non foggy'.

Other things occurring... the home is settled well. It really is a nice home. Comfortable. We all three fit well here.

I need to get a move on. I wanted to write about the storms today. They were fascinating to watch across my windows.

Just like my life is.
Constant Change

Analytical till it kills

Decipher how my emotions are playing hell with my body.

current health issue is around my heart area.

hmmm.... Let's see...

irritated at the situation that is currently occurring in my life and I have the only control to my reactions. it hurts. it is irritating because of the limitations and the patience needed to have things develop into a POSITIVE and HEALTHY relationship.

not even sure that it will continue once he has his freedom. i always seem to be the one the broken ones find.

he doesn't feel broken however and it appears that he is choosing appropriately for his best interests.
isn't that what we are ALL about?
self interests?
I want to be healthy
I want to be me without fear
I don't want to hurt emotionally


Is it really worth all of the heart ache when I look at him and know that he is the ONLY one with a key to his happiness?
I am frustrated with this because when I finally realize that I need to move on from a relationship... I will end it.

My marriage ended over 11 years ago. It was hard to come to the realization that I could not fix what the partner didn't want to continue with. I could no longer keep happiness and trust in the marriage.
I felt less than dirt because I could not do anything right and I could not feel he wanted me.

My Love is in a relationship. I am the outsider and I am afraid to move on.
insecure as hell on this....

natural instinct for me is to try to get it to end so I don't hurt.
sometimes I truly wonder what the hell my mind is here for
and why the hell do I care.

I want him free so I can explore what it is between us that makes us so electric. Give one away and take another.
That is NOT what I feel is the best in life.
I didn't seek him. It just happened.

I want to be so selfish at this time. To have his attention without seeing him worry.
to feel that I do not have to tiptoe around and hide.

mixed fonts and use of capitalization...the subtleties of my conversations in my head.
I hurt like hell physically and mentally today.

I am not sure why the need to write this. I can't stand being a side show.

I am very worth spending time to get to know and worth keeping as a friend.


Sometimes


I think that may be the only place for me is as a friend for others


I think I want to cry some more.

well FARTS!

http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/sprainsstrains/a/costochondritis.htm

this is what the doctor says is wrong with me.
i don't like it
it hurts
i am pissed as hell about it too
so

I have to find ways of not breathing heavy to survive this

like...right

that is NOT going to happen!

I need activity and I enjoy my life
I will take it easy for a month but that is all.

and as far as sex?
get ready my dears...I think I can lay REALLY still for now...
LOL

teasing my dears.

Laugh with me cause I cannot stand the limitation

Lots to do

and where is the incentive!
I have been patiently waiting. Sometimes not so patiently. ;)

I find there to be some interesting strain in my work place.
Interestingly enough this is the first job I have had that I have no passion towards it.
I think it is related to the upheavals around here.
2 major management changes while I have been here since Dec 5, 2006

Not good in my opinion.
It appears that they like to change management around. Trying to realign the structures.
Sheez...and no clear direction of how to handle issues except to nag at the Level Ones as if we are children.


Enough

Okay...I have a boyfriend.
That is another thing that is wigging me.

Listen well my family.
I will not introduce you to him until I am more settled into what we have going on.
I will not introduce him to my friends either.

This relationship is for ME.
I do not want nor need approval from anyone.
I do not want it at all.

I enjoy him a lot but am SO tired of the family asking me...
"So! tell us about him."

He is a really nice man my dears.
He is considerate and careful.
He is fun and intelligent.

That is what matters. How I SEE HIM!!

Yes, my dears...He is male. All male.

More later on !


Let us see what happens for us first.

Kisses!

Circe

I am only curious....

what is happening with our world today?
Cultures are freaking out about old world illnesses coming around again... Gas prices are the top of "the" subject.... So is the War in Iraq (notice that it has a designated COUNTRY for the war this time).... friends breaking up or extrememly HARD relationship issues.

Just curious about where the heck the mind set has turned.
Presidential dissatisfaction, too.

Post away!!!!1

" oh behave ! "

to borrow the quote from Austin Powers.

Sad, isn't it?

I stayed home or rather stayed at a couple of friends home this weekend.
I took 2 naps yesterday!
I have sleep 7 and 8 hours at night.

I like this!

It feel so much nicer going to sleep and not have the drugged effect when waking.
Sometimes it is hard to sleep though.

Lots of changes in my life.
Some are great patience lessons.
I am not stressed about it though. I had fun at my friends' home. We took it easy, I turned OFF my phone (unbelievable) and no computer work.

Felt weird...but it was nice anyway. Like a vacation.

I am talking to the doctor about getting off the antidepressants.
I am really getting tired of depending on medication.
Mostly the cost of it.

I also have a boyfriend.

More on that later.
I want to make sure the relationship has some steadfast footsteps to it before I really talk about him.
He really is a nice man. I think my kids will approve.
:)
Doesn't really matter if they approve or not but it is nice to know they like someone I plan on being involved with.

Get this! He is emotionally available!
A first in my history.
:)

For some reason I have chosen partners that have been emotionally immature or distant and unwilling to grow.

Must be that ego thing again. (blushing) I hate thinking I can fix the world and then get shown I can only fix myself ;)

WHATEVER! It works to just forget to look and they will find you.
Odd circumstances my darlings.
My children look at each of the 'potential intimates' as being less then.
I don't think I ever asked these type of questions to my daughter's dates.
I can't wait until she gets to be a Mom.

ROTFLMAO

THAT will be fun!

Other changes are occurring in my family. Mostly the eldest ones are in and out of hospitals....Children and their job changes, needs, worries, school....
Same stuff you try to tell them what to do about when they live with you...and as they get older you just listen to the concerns and ONLY give advice once asked for it.
NOT a MOMENT sooner!

I am having fun since my back quit hurting.
I love the Dr that worked on me. Direct, funny and VERY articulate and delved into the theory and history of acupuncture. We had a great discussion about the techniques and application of said techniques to my body.

Feels GREAT!!!!
Eyes are doing great.
New home is nice.

We will see how the boyfriend develops.
Maybe he will be gifted with meeting my family...... eventually :)

Oh gosh I hope he is ready for that....they ask a LOT of questions!
LOL

I honestly think since his sense of humor is as fast as mine....he will fare well.

He may even top Amanda and get her to respond with..
"So...tell me...what do you REALLY think about (put ANY QUESTION here)

LOL

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

Darn it

I am not going to CMA.
Health issue...I.E.:not being able to sleep......made me take consideration of the real need to stay low this weekend.
Sleep when I could. Job is too important to let it go to waste.

SUX cause I was really looking forward to a new experience.
hehehe
I guess taking care of my own self can be considered a new experience also.

It is okay....
My heart went to the celebration anyway.

Sing for me while you are there, Amanda!
Socialize with me in mind while attending, sweet Mark!

I can be there in spirit.

*sigh

CMA here I come!

This is SO cool! I am getting to go to the CMS celebration for Beltane! My friend Mark mentioned he wish I could go. The only limitation was that I have to be at work on Sunday morning at 7.
SO if we do not leave Saturday afternoon, I will be placed on a train back to Dallas from Austin.
No big deal.
My daughter will be there too! How awesome that I get to see her do a skit with her Coven. Yes...my daughter is a pagan and very active in her community.
I am just pleased as punch that I get to go! I get to camp out and dance around fires. Meet new people and have a relaxed time.
It is WONDERFUL to have friends that think so nicely of me that they want to take me along on fun times.

See? It is a life worth enjoying.


A life worth sharing :)

time time time....what's become of us?

It is simply amazing at how time can be speeding by before you can think about it...and other times it is so slow a Turtle can appear to speed right pass you.

Lately have seen the differences of my children growing up. I also get to look into a mirror and am pleased at my own progression in life :)

I still feel like a kid in my heart.
First time however that I have felt THIS calm about changes in my life.

I now live in a great HOME with a YARD and a GARAGE. I have 2 roommates that I adore. I am getting healthy finally.
My kids are healthy even though they have trails in their lives.

I wouldn't mind being a grandmother. (not a hint Amanda and Jordan but a recognition I am OKAY with being the age I am!)
I am starting to get out from underneath a heck of a lot of money issues....slowly but I am seeing daylight.

I remember being 16 and sitting in a tree just drawing, writing, and thinking.
There are a lot of thinking times I remember from my childhood and young adulthood.
Some of the memories are hard to deal with.
I have always enjoyed being outside. Felt more freedom outdoors than being locked in a room (school) with boring teachers that could only follow a lesson plan.

I still play a French Horn. Lucky family members remember all of my midnight practice sessions. :) It was fun!

My time to sit and think seems to proceed each night of sleep. I sit on my back porch and look up to the night time sky. Stars moon and clouds occasionally glisten down on me. I sit and think about where my head and heart is. I say my 'prayers' for those I know. I go over my reactions of the day. My personal emotional reactions to situations I have no control on and hopefully I see a better way to react to similar situations in the future.

I have concern for my family members and my friends. Seems that many friends are splitting up at this time. I hope that at the end they can still learn how to become friends.
I have 4 coupled friends going through similar issues. I have 3 long time friends that have recently gotten divorced. Scary world I think when learning to live openly with your emotions.

My ex-husband was right on one point.
I never gave him the opportunity to really know me.
Pity.
I think I may have had a good friendship after the divorce 11 (or is it 12?) years ago if I had been more open with my emotions and thoughts.

*sigh* to learn in the future. Cannot go back to the past except to view the lessons.

time again...
and timing is everything.

Lighter thinking

I finally realized who Louie reminds me of!
He is a reverse miniature of Luna!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.....for those who know Luna...Louie is in no way comparable to Luna. Louie is a buff colored Pug and Luna is a Husky.
But it is the VOICE that reminds me of her. Louie does the same welcoming "howl-llooo" that Luna does!
So very cute to hear.
I was laying down and realized that this thought was so much easier and lighter than to continue staying in my head and thinking all the time.

See?

I do come up for air occasionally.
=)

Take #5

Damn it was a weird emotional day for me. Frustration at not being able to get to ANYTHING I needed to do for work today completed. I honestly hate telephones. The sound of the ring is an interruption to concise thinking. I am trying to learn more about my job and get deeper into the problems I am faced with. It is scary to judge myself as not having enough wits about me that I end up losing my job. I have to be VERY careful of my attitudes of late.
I find I WANT MORE in my life. I don't want to work so much that I miss the relaxed family and friends visitation times. I ride alone so often I have forgotten what it is to ride with people that have never really understood my mental ramblings..
Circular
....from the beginning and well beyond.
I will be dropping back on doing the massages for my clients. For a while at least.
I need to really pay attention to my health instead of working out so many other people's stresses.
I miss riding my bike, climbing, camping, seeing my family...
and visiting some of them that I will never get to see again in my physical space. Sometimes I feel very confused on the swings my thoughts take on emotionally missing people. I try to be detached for the most part. But there are things I cannot distance my heart from. Watching my children. Confusion and fear at times for them....but they always find that events work for the better if what you put into the effort becomes larger than your desire.
Lots of rambling thoughts.
Lots of rambling feelings, too.
Memories?
Or is it "Live and Un-cut" ?????

Sojourn

I needed time to just sit and think and feel out where my emotions are at these days. I have not answered my cell phone since Friday. Not being at a computer till now. Disengagement proceed.
I spent time among good friends. Some don't see them as I do. Caring and stressed, but loving and tender at odd moments before sleep. I sat there watching a Cartoon with Dan, Chico, and Regina. Just watching as the two of them were falling asleep cradled into each other.
Thinking of my life. Have I cradled me?
I have been so relaxed this weekend not trying to do too many things. Several of us went out on Friday night to dance. Went to one club that was 'closed' that night (wide open doors mind you!) and then to another around the corner.
Lets remember this. These are my friends. I am DD tonight to make sure they are safely delivered back home.
I care about many people. I have fun and laugh spontaneously with more waiting in the background.
I am truly happy with my life. I have many friends and family that are right that I do try to do way to many things. I am only 46 right now and ready for more odd adventures. I like renting my home. Being positive that renting for a while will allow me to decide what I truly want to do for my career and living situations.
I adore my roommates. They are a home base of individuals that really care about each other.

Sounds like I am tooting my own horn?

Damn Skippy.

It is wonderful finding the journey to being peaceful again is to stop running to do everything.

It's silent in my home tonight

It is nice having family members over. Even if it is roommates families! I thoroughly enjoyed Marty's children being here tonight and sharing fine dining served with extra helping of laughter!
I like having my friends over, too. This morning Kassy came with Lox and bagels! My niece, Chandra, came by today also and gave me a massage. Nice being on the receiving end. She did a great job. Dan and Jackie came by yesterday after work. I went and ate diner with them at Bennigans. Nice treat! Today has been a good day. I felt more "moved in" after emptying some boxes and making the home feel more settled.
Tomorrow I go to work. Looking forward to it actually. This week I have a lot to learn and think on. Changes in the work environment mean that I need to have some more detailing skills. Learning the product can be hard when you don't know what it really does.
A lot more software issues than hardware.
I had fun cleaning the house and unpacking. I like my bedroom the most. It feels interesting and fun. Actually the house has many styles mixed in.
The front are is what we call the Quiet Room. Books..computers..painting gear in a cabinet ready to be set out... a futon for great naps (according to Marty)..and a rocking chair...with the oriental flavor highlighting the calm.
The Family Room is warm and cozy. Mixed furniture that gives it sort of a French Country feel. The entry way is almost like those little cottage in the meadow mud room. Kitchen is a mixture of 1960 stove mixed with a granite look laminate (looks nice really) and a soft stone tile.
This is coupled with furniture that is sort of eclectic. Bright colors in painted accents of flowers and wood that is designed to look abused but warm with the sunset. Marty's bedroom is cozy and sparse all at the same time. Lots of pictures of the children! A softness that isn't feminine but holds gentleness in it. It is kinda feminine in the dressing area. Pink Rosebuds. Lots of tiny Rosebuds. =) Marty is very masculine and hopes that the recognition is gained that perhaps these feminine characters he spends his time with enjoy the comforts of a rare openness.
Tracey's room is astute. It is eclectic in colors of rich jewel tones with earthy colored paintings.
She is also a rather talented artist. Her collection of Buddahs is pleasing!
The bathroom Tracy and I share if white REAL MARBLE floors. Softly worn to a fuzzy warmth. The color accents are jewel tones again. The size of the stone top cabinet in soft creams and tans mixes well with the idea of hidden jewels in the earth. Earthy candles are used on mirrors made of tiny tiles.
My room is truly reflecting me. It is the first time for me to have dark walls, It has a flavor of richness in earth tones and Burgundy cushioning. It has an old fashioned rug on the wood floors that are a warm darkened oak. LOTS of pictures! Room to set up my table for massages. It is cozy and has adventure to it. More of my character is showing the dark romanticism. ;)
All is very cozy and delightful here.
Soon I will have pictures!

Loads of fun!

Okay so my roommate Marty is right. I like to gather.
I don't have to bring anything home either!
I like to window shop and try on different things (Attitudes are enhanced during those times) to see what 'fits'.

The new home is cozy and relaxed. I have started discovering more about me that I really like! My bedroom is far different than it has ever been and I love the way it feels!
I like hardwood floors very much. The walls are sort of the color chocolate plum. It isn't as dark as it sounds and looks GREAT with the maroon jacquered curtains. I added dark sage green silkies and topped with a translucent maroon sheer.
Very rich looking!
I found a cotton velvet bedskirt CHEAP! THen added those bed raisers. So my bed is up high like Marty's now!
I feel like I am elegant while purched atop my pilows and cozy sheepskin.

=)

I like it very much!

By, George! I think I've got it!

Wonder where the hell I put it though?!

That is a good surmise of where my mental state is at. I think I know things at work in how to do my job...and then there is SO MUCH to learn!

Nothing feels emotionally stable right now. I love roller coasters and the rush. Not this though. I judge myself to often and then have to withdraw to weigh out my decisions.
I want to help others...but where is the time to help myself?
I am ACTIVELY seeking a massage from someone. I think I may have a couple of options. Yassi was recommended by my friend Janelle. She is a yoga instructor too.
Then there is Bob who will arrive from out of the country in the next week.
I have options...but where is the TIME!!!!
So I have had to back off of some of the massages with the OT that I have at work right now.

I had a nice surprise today though. One of the co-workers I have stopped and worked on a really sore shoulder knot.
PURE heaven.
Thank you Dan R. (He like the name DR. Dan!)
I want to be better physically. Not sure how I got to be so "couchy" of late. I look so forward to the Spring. Bike riding and outdoor climbing! Hiking, camping, and BURNING MAN!!!
Oh yeah!
My tickets arrived for Burning Man.
Very awesome.
A true gift. An experience for me to grow through.

Just to not having to think out solutions and routines. A time to come for seeing art, creating art, and living in art.
I am totally excited!

So far...it's a great life.

Thank you to my parents for being in the life they have so that I could join in on the fun.

Circe

Whither thou come or stay

Thinking again about my place in life. I wonder how I would have been different in my life if I had chosen opposite of what I wanted.
Giving care and concern for another's well being can take a toll on ones own self. I so rarely take the time to be still. I am in a home that I truly enjoy the warmth of. It has peace and thought in it. Another Sanctuary but this home holds peace of mind.
It is soothing having a back yard to sit and look at. The trees dripping with golden and green energy of life. Rain cascading over items seeking the earth below. Seasons have a way of making me introspective. The changes do at least.
I have curiosity about how my children have taken the unknowing lessons that I taught them.
Was it the right thing? I do not know but I care. I have concerns that sometimes my unwillingness to work within society rules (God help me if I do :) I like using my brain and wit.) I always seem to buck the system somehow hoping for open awareness for needs and appropriate action to be lenient.
A wake up call I guess. "Hey! Did you think of this?"

I care that my children (including my niece as my own child) think about their choices openly and honestly with themselves. I weight too many decisions and reactions by who is involved.

Rarely have I been selfish enough to not care what the outcome could be. It has happened 3 times in my life.

46 years is a good length of time to get to know ones thought patterns. I have the belief that the Psychologist of the world are a lot like I am. Curious as to how a thought pattern developed. What are the underlying lessons and exposures to emotions? Why do we try to fix each other?

I am having fun with my life. I am not here to fix anyone but my own emotionally reactionary self.

I choose who I am and how I want to be each waking second and each dreaming moment becomes the formation of myself.

I like the dreams I have right now.

Travel

Love

Grandchildren

My Children enjoying their own adventures.

Circe

Chris Bliss

When Balls Fly...

*sigh

Confused?

So am I!
I normally have NO issue with being at work. I dislike it when I start arriving BARELY in time or (even worse) late. I need an adjustment in mental balance. I have started to realize how disjointed I have become in my relationship with my health.

Time
Sleep
Activities

I miss all of those.

I have a few friends (okay most of them) that are concerned at how busy I am. I never seem to stop. I understand their concern tremendously. So I'm having to lay down time rules.
Maybe the better sleep will help me keep my mental sharp.

So ... with that.

Good night!
**Kisses**

Talking it out

There are times that you just kinda unload your worry. Not to have someone take over the burden, but perhaps give you a chance to see a new way of understanding the physics of whatever is your burden. That enables me to get a chance of verbalizing of emotional reactions.

In shorter terms... I talked while a friend listened :)

Psychology and validation sometimes are my enemies. =)
I have had several friends and family state that I think to much. I do agree. It is what makes it hard for me to sleep at night. Something my momma goes through. Thinking on a consistent basis. I think my sisters do it too.

I like to think and curious by nature makes me a learner in most skills I attempt. I may not do things to beyond satisfactory skills, but I try it all.

I am kinda rambling tonight. I got a sunburn on my face and neck. I had a blast at St. Patrick's Day on Greenville Parade. I actually took the entire weekend off. Had to. Been on the go for so long that to just rest in my home with peace and quiet is a true delight.
I look forward to having a nice yard a area to have many friends come and join us.

Soon.

A house warming party is in the plans!

See what I mean about thinking? I think I will enjoy just sleeping tonight.

Pleasantly.

Ever have that 'hunger'?

IT is like I need to be fed. In heart, mind, and soul. I see this banquet before me with all types of delightful flavorings and colors. Yet the one thing I want is not ready to be served just yet. It is still in the final cooking stages. I don't know how long or at what temp it needs to be cooked at. I know it will taste fabulous at the time of receiving.
It takes many ingredients and patience to mix it all in at the appropriate time.

Or is this a dream time.

Making reality sorta weird in needing to be patient. This I have discovered I am NOT good at with things in regard to my wants/needs/cravings.

I am not the only chef nor the recipe sorter.

It is rising at the moment in my wonderful thought processes and it sits sweetly in my mind for WHEN I get my tasty well deserved treat.

Dessert....ain't NOTHING like it~

Circe

Perception in My Life

I look above my rooftop and see the quarter moon framed by a satellite dish. This rests in front of a warm brick chimney that has a huge metallic array of limbs that reach for other night viewed objects. Grasping at the ends and causing a believe of metallic optics that shine with past life.

It is a weird E.T. type of moment.

I think a lot about what it is I am and what I will into my life. Choices are wonderful gifts. I have so much in my life that gives me pleasure. Love of friends, my family, and the wonderful interactions of both. My life at times is so very busy. I feel validated by it however. I have the choice to name my 'plan' that seems so totally impotent at times.
I only have one plan.
That is to learn.
I don't really care what I learn as long as I continue to expand mentally and emotionally. Sometimes the two really have a hard battle in finding balance within my mind.

I can honestly say I am happy. That also allows me to at times feel overwhelmed emotionally.
I find that the order that is necessary for my job means I go to extremes when emotionally exhibiting my exuberance in life. I care for so many people in my heart.

Stephen, you were right. I never really let you know who I was. I regret this deeply. I don;t think it would have changed things, but perhaps it would have been less confusing in my methods.

A lot of learning these past 11 years.
Yep, Kids...11 years.
I think I am finally not afraid to express how I feel about someone. I have noticed that the range of emotions is wide though.
Time to learn more in definition of my true characteristics,
Understanding of why I choice the way I do. Not just to give defined antidotes, just a way to find HOW I FEEL about me!

I am pleased at where I am now. I look forward to moving up from this, too.

Interesting at what the mind takes and runs with when looking at the technology of framing nature.

Circe

The color of my heart

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out. When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

Kinda cute I thought.

I think though that my heart has many colors. Some parts were crayons and paper mache.
Some other parts have the colors that came from my friends sharing their hearts with me!
I even have a few colors all my own. Some colors are from the bruises and new growth from heartbreaks. Some are parts are colored intensely vibrant colors from my joys.

All in all a heart is for sharing. Something I am having a time doing. It has hurt from my other experience but then again, that was what I expected. I set up all my lessons and expressions.
I like Rainbows....so many colors. Not just the basics but the subtle details of the blended lines.
All are wonderfully colored gifts right now.
Even if I also hurt.

Circe

Where to be

Silently I lay upon the earth
Sky viewed through branches
naked except for budding new growth
Clouds passing overhead
One lone brown leaf
dancing on a thread through fine air
Feeling the stillness and caress of a soft breeze
Resting my heart and mind
waiting until the time the leaf lets go
dancing down with grace as the moon kisses from above

Ahhhh.....

I am home tonight.
There are lots of thoughts going on in my heart of late.
The wonder of the new house and the comfort here...very different from the condo...my Sanctuary. That was the name of the condo. It was far away from all I knew. I do not know that this place has a name...but it has heart. LOTS of it!

My truck is soon to be replaced. Cannot see rebuilding a transmission for it.
Marty says he will help me look for a different car.
I could just make the payments on the loan for the truck and then purchase a used car....but I do not want to do that. I like my Sport Trac. It suits me. It takes me places and carries my gear and friends.
I have some money from the sale of the condo. I feel like I need to hang onto it...even though I REALLY want a hot tub!
Eventually I will get one. I have been at my new job for 90 days. It is a good diverse high paced and sometimes frustrating job. The guys are great though.

I also find myself contemplating love.

Why is it that the need to be with someone is so recognized in women my age? I am fine on my own (with roommates of course) and I feel like I am loved.
But why does it get to be that I want to be selfish?
I am not one to possess someone...but to enjoy sharing life. I see so many of my friends right now that are having relationship issues. Frustrations and trying to prove points.
Scary to me. I think that living with someone you would get to enjoy the fine differences of personality. I think that it may be that some have just grown apart due to interests or lazy behavior.

I enjoy loving. I enjoy sharing. I want this... and more... to continue to grow in my life.

Have you ever done things for excitement that were dangerous?
Loving sometimes is like that for me.
Dangerous
I sometimes truly fear it. Fear the getting lost.

My children always know how to find me...I don't get lost from them. My bestest friend Marty always knows how to find me too.

I hope my Love will also.

Circe

We're IN!

Naturally with a LOT of unpacking. Time to take a breather. =)
The house fells so good!
Slowly getting a very large kitchen into a smaller one...reminds me of some of my habits that are like my mothers ;) Nicely there is something to cook...all the time. LOTS of stuff to make now! TOO much STUFF actually ;0 LOL It rained yesterday late in the afternoon while the moving was being finished up from storage units and then on the way here...a wreck on rainy roads which made everything move slower...

Arrival and a fast lunch then the guys I hired started unloading. They were a bit surprised when I told them it was a shoe free house.

Oh yeah....you may wish to get a personal pair of house shoes for the visits to our place!
The pier and beam makes it a bit chilly here.
The bedrooms are set up for sleeping...and soon the rest of the house will be done!

I promise to take pictures after all is unpacked and more home like in appearance, Storage building deco isn't comfortable ;)

I like the comfort here. Louie, poor puppy dog of Tracy's isn't happy about the rain.
Be nice when he can check out the back yard!
LOTS of squirrels here to entertain him, too.

I just took a break to let all know we are here.

The new owners realtor, Pam, came by and I ran her through some things for the new owners.
Sherrie was paid to make the house ready for them and I am grateful for the fantastic job she did!

I am pleased to have gotten movers again. Kept all of us happy and still liking each other today;)

Talk to you all later!

Circe

Midnight

Amazingly the quiet isn't still
My mind is racing and planning a path
there are obstacles every where I turn here
Memories of what my life has gathered

There are times that midnight calls
The silence in the stars and sky
Breathing in cool moist air and in joy
Looking above to see my place in it all

I face a favored life I want
Warmth of friends and hearts desires met
Children of laughter and play we are
The times of midnight are here and coming with more


Good night my love
Times of midnight bring it all to me here



**kisses**
Circe

Dah dah dah Dummmmmmm

Today is THURSDAY.
Last day of my work week.
Tomorrow in the AM I will no longer be a home owner and become a tenant again.

I am looking forward to it!

I like my responsibilities...at times. I just want the freedom to leave when I wish if a different opportunity should show it's face.
I am also looking forward to being in a HOUSE again!
I missed having a yard and no immediate neighbors.

Well...except for Marty and Tracy.
=) they will be housemates of a wonderful kind!
Already are actually.

I am a very lucky woman in all of my friends. They care and check up on me when I say I am freaking out a bit. Marty has nagged, consoled, and then assisted me when I had no more ability to 'pack away my life'.
It is odd at how I seem to know where everything is and now I cannot find ANYTHING. It is disconcerting and feels like I am nowhere. THAT is mentally disturbing. My home is where I retreat to for balance. That is why it feels the way it does. Right now...there is no balance, but a goal. MOVE...get rid of stuff...I mean LOTS of stuff.
Head Stuff
Old Clothing Stuff
Furniture Stuff

DON'T TOUCH MY BOOKS THOUGH!
I need all of those.

I am so grateful for Marty and Tracy. We make a funny trio.
I think the friendship that Marty and I have makes Tracy laugh. She told both of us the other night (after we badgered her in going to the storage units) that we acted like an old married couple.
We both laughed.

If old married couples are this good of friends then maybe one day I will consider giving marriage a try....maybe....but I gotta have a boyfriend who wants to be with me all the time...
Hmmm... NOPE! Don't see it happening. But it is nice to dream every once in a while.
I like having friends. Companions when I chose or for a style of living I chose.

I have been divorced since March 1995. Almost 11 years!
I haven't lived alone often...mostly with children growing and family life...but I like having roommates.

I have been blessed with a few great ones, too!
Bob and Sharon Klug
Marty (when he is in the USA) *LOL*
Tracy
Amanda and Jordan
Jason

All are a part of my heart!

My Family I am blessed by also.

Tracy was helping me work on the mosaic art tables last night. Was a quiet and nice evening and I couldn't focus to save my soul!
I did a little of the work...and Tracy almost completed a flower. This table is going to be intense.
LOTS of detail!

I am trying not to freak. Tonight I go home and finish packing up. Last of my "lost life in boxes" series. (Now THAT sounds like an interesting story line!)
I will be glad when tomorrow arrives and things are in motion....again.
I say I am patient....but I am not really. I want changes...but I want my comfort zone also.

Hey!
That makes me human!
Imagine that...

Talk to you all soon!

CH-CH-CHA-CHANGES! Time to turn around...

Amazingly fast the days are here. My children have their birthdays foremost in my mind. Reflections of previous days and ideals beginning by smiles. Amanda is 24 and Jason is 23. The two are a year and a day of waiting to have loving and caring for each other.
True, it is shown in different ways, yet they are both exhabitionist in the way the demonstrate their hearts to each other.
I enjoyed taking Jason around with me today. It was easy and relaxed. My timing isn't always to everyone's idea of when I should arrive. Today we arrived in good times at the places we needed to be at. Jason has had a bit of a time recently and it was nice to talk them over just between us. I did get to talk to Amy. She sounds really sweet. This is my son's girlfriend. He is so very happy about her. Amazed also by her. This has good signs. He also knows his mother goes by the sound of the voice in a person. Means a lot that I got to talk with her.
Amanda had a better attitude today than she has had in a while. It was wonderful to see her shoulders relaxed and her smiling. Jordan was funny and talkative at dinner. Chandra was her great comedic self again. I love all of these children in my life. They have been the best gifts that a woman could receive.
Yeah...a little prejudiced. I like it.

The close of my condo to the new owners is on Feb 24. The movers arrive on Feb. 24 at 8 AM. My closing is at 10. Packing up stuff and thank GOD for Marty!
=)
He can be a driver and a nag, but this is what is needed.
I work WAY to much to try and get the cash together to straighten out the bills.
I do NOT like owing...but it is so close to being a freedom for me to enjoy NOT owing. I think of the new home in Farmers Branch and I wonder at how I will feel about being home more?
I like the idea
It will be wonderful to have friends and family over more. This condo has been wonderful for me but I do like having a yard to be in. There is very little convenient parking at the condo.
I am excited and ready for it to be over. Time to get ride of things I can. I will also have a garage. A REAL garage! I will have to take a picture or two of the place and post them here for you all.

I am really tired right now.
Time for bed and more memories of my babies as they were and seeing how they have grown into who they are now.

Amazing things are happening.

Time to Turn around...Ch-Ch-Cha-CHANGES!

I Love David Bowie....

Good times get better....

WHO HOO!

The home is under contract!
and
We have a new place to live!
We will not keep the land line...cells only my dears!
I am jazzed and thrilled!
The couple that is buying the house are really nice....according to Marty.

We will be moving into Farmers Branch. I promise to post a picture or two.
=)
I am pleased the couple loves this place. It had me when I walked into the door. It felt like home. Not bad for a 6 year stint!

The job is going well. I like it there very much. Learning new things all the time. Room to move upwards in my education, skills, and friendships ... believe it or not!
Realizing there is a multitude of things to accomplish in a little over two weeks
m<*0*)m

I am having a blast with my life.
I had a long reflection about my Uncle Searcy's passing on. Driving 7 hours one way gives you time...and music. Uncle Searcy taught me a lot about expectations I would have of myself. He instilled that in my Daddy, too.
It is good to feel.
My children are about to experience year 23 and 24.
Wonderful I think.
Sometimes I worry about them. They have good sense of doing what they need to do in order to learn from decisions and unknown opportunities.
That makes me happy ..to know they are intelligent and caring.
My other family is healing also...all differently and positively I think.

See?
I had a LOT of time to think and place values into my life.

Why is it that death does this to people. To realize mortality? To fear dreams not coming true? To Fail??
I think it is not for the fears...but for the excitement of decisions. To CHOOSE to have what is in your mind and heart is only because we truly deserve hapiness,
Not preaching my dears.
Self actualizations.
Choices...and knowing that we could never see what is coming in the future and arriving in amazing ways.
Romance, laughter, friendships, celebrations, sadness of heart, joy of reunions of all forms, and LIFE!

I am happy.