Time to dream again

Bummed out a bit. I do not get to go to Burning Man this year. Was all set and ready. Can't take the time from my new job due to 'ramping up' so I can be working problems. I am in training and I welcome it! Nice new challenges...and I can see future growth being available, too!
I was so looking forward to the trip and going with friends on a new adventure. More like an extreme camping in the desert playa with Art being the backdrop of props...and seeing inside of myself and looking outside and analyzing my prejudices.
I am so looking forward to hearing from my friends about their adventures and experiences....Although to experience Burning man is a very personal thing.
I WILL be going next year though. I will have enough time to make my own art installation for it.
Oh my dear friends that are going...I wish for you to know that I may not be along for the trip physically....but my heart and my thoughts will reach out to you as you go and stay and return.

*sigh* To dream again....

Circe

Kites have tails and string.....

and the remembering that I am attached on the ground means my mind and heart can sore!

I GOT A JOB!!!! Started on Tuesday August 9th. I like the prospect of using the talents that I have developed and hoping to further the intelligence and reasoning abilities. I can still hear Mr. Jeff telling me to 'think about the process instead of the hit and miss techniques". I will never forget the mentoring, Jeff Carmichael. You had faith in my mental mind and I grew into a great friendship with you that will always be treasured. The honesty and the truth made more sense than the hopeful daydreams. You helped me to believe I could when I didn't have enough faith to try. I adore searching out an issue with a system or an application. I used to sit in the software library pouring over apps trying to understand how the functionality actually flowed in the design.
It will help in my future. I know this.
There were others that believed in my mental abilities of reasoning...mostly with people...but there are a couple that had faith in my abilitites to work with VRU's and computers. I learn best while listening.
LOOK DADDY! I finally learned to shut my mouth and listen!

LOL

I really am excited about my job. I love where I am at in life. Not every thing is easy.....but I am EXCITED!
There is even a man I have been seeing that I am going really slow with...he is intelligent, funny, kind, and just a doll!
My son is doing well and asked me questions the other day in order to complete his application for financial assistance so he can attend college!
WAY TO GO JASON!
Amanda and Jordan are growing in thier marriage...and learning some hard lessons while they are at it.
I know that they will do fine. Amanda is a very determined young lady. I should know....I lived with her ;)
I am so proud of you both!
My niece is doing great and growing in her career! It seems so weird thinking of my 'kids' being adults now. I am really proud of Chandra and Joey, too! Weird as it is to some...they love each other. I can see it and feel it.
I know Joey has had some rough life issues...but he really loves Chandra and would do anything for her that she needed.

My roommates Bob and Sharon have married and bought a very adorable little 'cottage' style home near White Rock Lake.
SO very perfect for them!

I am happy.

My roommate Marty and I are really very best of friends. It is quiet and calm in the home. It feels a litle lost without Bob and Sharon...but it will settle in soon.

I am going to ask Bob if I can keep Buddy Lee. I do not think he will survive being an outdoor cat. He is way to people oriented...and besides...I would miss him sleeping with me and Kali (my Manx Cat) would miss him also. He is part of my family.
Marty even mentions he would miss Buddy Lee.

NOW THAT IS WEIRD!!!

LOL
I really am happy and content...and even scared but not in a bad way.

Love you all!

Circe

Snoozy friend

No job yet. Still hoping.
I fill out at least 6 applications a day. Online makes it easier. I don't have to drive anywhere. Thanks to all of my friends and family for the support that is offered. Let's see...I have been Sewing for $, Cleaning for $, Babysitting friends homes and animals for $, some data entry for a friend for $, hostessing for $......and it isn't enough. The weird thing is that I am honest and report the income to TWC...which lowers the amount of unemployement benefits.
Weirdness.

My very best friend just woke up from snoozing in his chair. HE naps easy. It is nice to hear someone just sleeping next to me....even at the computers...
Thank you all my dears...I am still searching.

Circe

Points of Light

Just having time to think and I am thinking way to much.
it is SO late and I am not wanting to sleep. Feeling this push to find a job.
I am positive the right one will be found. A lot of my friends have had great suggestions, some acquaintances have had good leads.... and the TX Work Commision can help out a little starting the 18th.
I am torn between attempting to go back to school or just take ANY job I can find. However....IF I take something that isn't going to help me meet or be above my bills...then I am back to square one.
I am even willing to relocate. I would miss al of my kids though...that includes all of their friends too.
It is amazing at the insight the young ones have. The intellect is huge with my friends and with the kiddo's I know. They have ALL become my children in a way. Some even call me 'mom' and it makes me smile like a goon. Tonight was nice. Went and met Antje, Mike, Kelly, Jay, Tony, Stephen and Steve along with Lynece and Justin at Lake Grapevine for hamburgers.
I had housemate Bob's oldest daughter with me. It was humid...but nice to see others. It is nice being able to see the stars, too. Not totally clear yet...but it is getting better.
Maybe that is what this is all about. The need or the ABILITY to see clearly has to be developed.
Hmmmm.....gonna think on that a bit.
New eyes are tired so I am saying good night.
Huggles!

still searching

WHEE this is SO much fun!
I am finding that patience is hard to deal with at times. I have put out several resumes and still not much responses.
It is still very early. We shall see.

Keep me in your thoughts and positive prayers?

Thanks to all!

I am NOT good at sitting around...

There seems to be this determination...and patience...to see what is developing. After having my eyes repaired and then vision correction it is HARD to not be active.
However it is SO cool waking up and seeing my children's pictures on my wall that are across the room. This is something VERY different to me.
I love it!

There isn't very much to write at the moment. My mind is focused on other things.
Antje's birthday has come and gone...so did Kiwi's, and Kassy and Marty have a birthday this weekend. Then my Bro-in-Law Doug has one on the 12th. July is VERY busy. Guess a lot of hot weather late August caused a lot of women to be naked!
LOL
See there is my humor again.
I will stop and take pictures today of my mosaic art tables I have been working on. Then I will post them to the blog.
There is so much peace in making them. Fitting puzzle pieces together and in harmony. I have had some help on this last one. Tracy Rugley (my daughters friend and fast becoming my friend, too) has shown up every Wednesday for the last 5 weeks. It is so nice having someone working on them with me. She is such a sweetheart.

I am wondering what type of career I would like at this time.
Maybe I need to attend college again.
Maybe I will just go and become certified in massage so I can go ANYWHERE and work.

I am looking. It is an interesting market at the moment.

Time for me to get busy. My sisters are having surgery today. I will be over there for a few days taking care of them. Okay more than likely they will enjoy having me around and attentive to them!
It will be nice to visit and play cards with them. I am also responsible for taking care of the bunnies and the cat and dog. My sisters own a zoo each.

Time to get moving!
Hope all of you have a wonderful day.

Ah well....

Guess my wings were not strong enough.

I was released from my job today.

The search continues for a position in the corporate world.
I am doing okay. Some ego stings. Some uncomfortableness....but there is determination which is strongest at this point.

Never know what is around the corner and a better 'fit' for me.

To all my friends and acquaintances....do not worry. Networking is helpful however. Heck...who knows...maybe Ikea with my friend Regina? Maybe construction with my friend Kassy? Maybe back to TI? Maybe even Intervoice. My niece tells me that her employer is hiring too.
On my way home I was already making calls and putting the word out. I know a lot of people.
On Tuesday...I will check out a few places with resume in hand.
Monster.com has my resume on line and active.

If worse comes to worse...I can always sell the home and see about moving near my Dad and try to locate something in Washington state. I've talked about it for years...so maybe now is the time.
Too much to decide and I feel the wieght at the moment.
So waiting I will do until Tuesday.

Thanks for reading.

Later!

A sight change and learning how to Fly...

Tomorrow I am doing something for me. Lasik. I have thought about it and planned for it for over 5 years. I try to reason it out to make it okay to spend the money for it. I managed to do that so I don't feel guilty.
It has never been that I could see the world clearly. I am looking forward to this opportunity. I also realize there are risks. However....living is a risk also. Get my drift?

Learning that I have value was a trick and a half. Acting that same knowledge means that I need to speak up when things are not to MY understanding also.

Marty pointed that out tonight. He gets to be my med-travel buddy....
again.
Sweetie bestest friend he is. Always there when I need help or a solid shoulder to lean on and talk to.
He knows me better than I sometimes think I know myself. Actually not...but he is unafraid to speak on it.
Thank GOD for that!

I am doing well for all those I know.
Just been really busy learning my job and following through with the commitments I have.
I work too much!
But I do need quiet times occasionally and that is when my friends find me the easiest. Believe it or not....at home.
Sometimes I just don't want to answer the phone. Especially if I am working on my thoughts and my meditations.
Be patient and leave me a voicemail. I will call back. You can also choose to join me. I would welcome company at anytime.

It is late....time for bed so I can learn to enjoy my day tomorrow with a new view of how the world is.

Thanks, Marty....for always being my friend and being here.
Oh yeah...you get to call my mom, dad, and my kids Amanda and Jason .....my niece.... and then my sisters, while I am asleep.
;)

Do Do Do looking out my back door

Again, it feels REALLY late and I am a bit tired. I went out and met a few friends at a club last night. It was so hot dancing that my dress stayed wet! Hard to do dancing in satin and and still look decent :)

It was a lot of fun though looking around and talking with the people I know. Sometimes I wished the DJ would turn down the volume and the speed of the music.
I think I like the sound of Jazz much better!

SSC was really tasty tonight! Kassy had chosen a theme of "fruit of the vine" so everything was really light and refreshing. I was a little bummed that one of the Cucumbers I used was bitter. I made a Cucumber salad that had : Cucumbers (hence the name), Thai Eggplant, Mediterranian Yellow Pepper, Red Onion, Red Okra, and little Cherry tomatoes. The seasonings was toasted Almonds with Herbs of Provence (use they were toasted in butter) and then 1 lime squeezed all over and then tossed.
It tasted great until the 'bitter cucumber' hit the palate. Oh well
Next time I will taste the veggies before adding them.
There was a fantastic Veggie 'Pizza' that used cream cheese for the sauce, Corn on the Cob, Lamb, Tomatos and Feta with Basil, fresh Grapes, Scallops with white wine (fruit of the ocean and fruit of the vine combo :) . There was also this apple dessert pizza that was AWESOME!!!! Then there was Mango with rice. MMMMmmmmmm
A light and very tasty meal. The attendees were Kassy (at her home) Mark Bellamy ( forever known as Kiwi), Lisa (from the Stoneworks Gym), Antje, Mike, and Andy from Atlanta (mango-ish), Circe, Bob, and Sharon.
Small group but very nice to sit and chat with. Kassy got a new camera (dammit) so that means we all had to suffer bright lights. Dave came out and talked for a bit with me. Nice chat. Kassy was also allowing us to appropriately view her new Chevy Trail Blazer.

I had a new massage client today. Nice woman. I will be working on her (and her husband) more often I believe.

So now it is time for bed.
Monday starts a new week and I want to be ready for it.
Soon it will be the "season' in the jewelry industry and that means long hours. I have much to learn still and to remember.

Love to all!

Circe

Tis late at night and I am TIRED!

Okay...I am suffering from electronic starvation!
My job keeps me really busy with ALL that I have to learn.
I do not get to use the internet as I once did.
I am working WAY to much and I have had enough!
Next week...playtime on the walls and in the fields of home.

I am learning to let go of a ego issue.
Gotta learn a procedure BEFORE I short cut it.

I will write more this weekend!

Love and Laughter to all!

Circe <>

To listen and to learn

I am amazed that there can be such difference in my voice that my friends and loved ones can tell it by the sound in my voice.

" You sound REALLY happy! " "You sound peaceful and pleased! "

These are but 2 of the comments that I hear when I tell my loved ones of how my new job is going.

Nice to know that the feelings inside are coming to the surface.
It isn't that I have been unhappy for a while.....just seeking where I fit in with my life.
What do I want to do.... where so I want to be....what do I want to learn?

Being back into the Jewelry business feels 'comfortable'. I am a little impatient with myself just because I know I adapt so well in technical areas....that I sometimes get my ego into the way and 'hear' how to do my job and then adapt it to the way I can work it.
I need to remember to learn it the owners way first....then start pointing out what I see and feel may be useful.
They will make the decision....Not me. I don't own it.

I LOVE this job!
I actually enjoy the humor and the feelings in the office.
NO judgments....just enjoyment.
There is a dry sense of humor in the place which I find delightful!
Wickedly fun!

I am going to a Hash House Harriers event called CoTex....yep! Sounds like it and probably will feel pretty used like one afterwards.
It is a running event ( I will more than likely do a lot of walking ).

My life still has some things to work out....but that is part of living.

:)

I am happy...I am thrilled that my kids (includes my niece, several of my kids friends, and even a few of my friends children, too!) are healthy and life progresses on for them also.

It is ALL good ( Thanks for reminding me of that, Marty! )

Kisses and Huggles!

Learning and adapting

It is a weird sort of stress changing jobs. I was so very good at what I did at my previous employer. I now have to start from scratch and expand my knowledge into new applications and systems.
I love it though!
There is old knowledge that I have that I am able to impart to my new bosses. There is lots of learning in my new environment as far as methodology. The people are nice though.
The jewelry industry holds it's own type of stress. There is a great need for being completely willing to drop what you are doing to attend to a perceived emergency.
I do not have a great concept at this time as to what constitutes as a 'crisis' for them. This industry is also well known for nepotism. Jessica and I are the only outsiders and the only non-jewish associates.
Interesting being on a minority side. The people are SO very kind however.

My previous weekend (Memorial Day) was spent out at a HUGE camping event called 'Flipside'. It is gathered together on the basis of a community that allows no purchasing....but bartering for others skills.
Recycling is encouraged, conservation is a must, and cooperation is the lifestyle.
There are several 'theme camps' that trade services for their service....or are just there to give and share.
one morning we went to the Breakfast Camp and then the Coffee Camp. Yep! That is what they do and share with ANYONE who is hungry.
There were a few people I know from other walks of life that were there too! WAY awesome!
It was nice and relaxing in the 'Spa Camp' where I stayed.
It was a wonderful gift to be giving massages to those who were tense or hurt. I had a blast! It is an experience I chose to go through because of my next adventure to Black Rock City. That is where the Burning Man event is held. I am learning a lot about being able to appreciate, depend, and assist other people I have never met. My friend Mark is teaching me how to make 'huts' for this event.
there is a lot of planning that occurs before you go into the desert.
Has to be.

Hopefully my art will be appreciated and I will be grateful for my experiences.

Right now...I am tired...and it has been a good evening with climbing....and my tummy is full...and I wish to sleep.

I cannot relate to all about 'what happened' at the Flipside Event...but it was truly awesome. There was a fantastic amount of lightening shows...dancing....meeting people...sharing and talking...and I learned how to do some Fireball Spinning (no fire of course). I am going to practice more on that skill too.
One of these days I will be able to spin and dance with fire!

Yep another adventure I have planned!

Love to all...
I am peaceful and happy.

Circe

OH YEAH!
I am not sure WHEN I will be online again..but hopefully within the next 2 weeks!

:)

Time time time....

Not doing to bad at the new job!
Finally found a route to work that has me humming along in glee.
The office is a family business and I really do enjoy the interactions of them all.
French is the main language adn it is wonderful to hear it again while being able to understand some of it. I have forgotten most of my French and I hope to brush up on it. THEN I wish to learn MORE of it!
:)
I apologize to all about not being on IM, the learning curve is great in the office.
It isn't that all just do ONE job...there is multitasking going on in all levels.
THAT is nice!
It does take time. However I did come in to the business with previous knowledge...and 'moxie'. I LOVE THE COFFEE! They have a great machine! It is a "Flavia"....WAY awesome adn I would recommend it for home use too!
Even makes tea. :) It is a nice bonus. NO burned coffee or tea.

This weekend is a camping trip with some friends.
I am truly looking forward to it. Marty, Serena, and Rob will be my camp mates. There are others but I do not know them well. Rob and Serena were married this year in March. Serena JUST had her birthday yesterday! Happy birthday beautiful!

The truck is (I believe) finally fixed.
Torque converter was freezing up in the transmission. Ford kindly replaced it at no charge...or was that warrenty work?
Anyway...I am happy about it.

Life is such an adventure right now....and I am sleepy.

Tomorrow will be busy...and I am looking forward to it.

Je vous souhaite une bonne nuit et des rêves plaisants !

Through the doors

Friday the 20th of May was my last day at Intervoice.
I also realized I have been divorced for 10 years now.

Monday the 23 of May is a new beginning in my career. I will be working at Spectrum Diamonds as a VP assistant!

I am excited. Not timorous at all. I am cognizant of the changes that this will bring into my life and attitudes.

I am looking forward to the new interactions and learning I shall be experiencing!

Stay Tuned!

Ready for me yet, Spectrum Diamonds?
Hmmm....thought so!

See you all in the AM!

When Pigs Fly...

The days run long for one who waits on change.
Sunshine hits the skin and warms my thoughts as well as my heart.
There are times that I realize how very lucky I am.
I am being sentimental today. Changes are good. Positive. Matters not if they are as I would wish them to be.
I try hard to take to heart that change signifies growth.
I have noticed multiple levels of change not only in myself but in those I know.
Age has a way of bringing patience to my conscience.

I haven't flown my kites in a while....been paying attention to the other duties in life. My mind sometimes still goes to the skies and sees the way the kite bounces along and still is tethered to my hands.
Then I realize as I am remembering the actions I am flying.
This is the purpose of visualization.
TO FEEL AND TO KNOW that the thoughts proceed the actions.

Pigs fly not only in their dreams but sometimes they can jump and play and feel the freedom of not being attached to the world....even for a brief moment.

Badda BING!

Went and picked up Marty at the DFW Airport on Tuesday afternoon. GREAT to see his swaggering stride coming through the doors. He was very tired and had 4 hugiferous bags to store in the tiny Ford Focus that I was driving. He managed to make it all fit! My truck had to go back into the shop so I was driving a little red (remember I don't NORMALLY drive red cars cause they get into wrecks) Ford Focus ZX4 SE 4dr Sedan. Cute and powerful little thing. It was nice..but I like my truck :)
Marty dozed off in the car. Most of our time together has been silent so far. He is still on Korean time.
There is much to do about rearrangement of the home. That is only part of my life.
Went climbing on Wednesday and Thursday. Finally climbing 'blues' again! (Which is intermediary) The shoulder feel good today. A little ache last night.
It is nice having all my roommates home again! Bob and Sharon are engaged and I had a blast making her ring. :) Thanks for the opportunity Bob!
I've posted a picture set to the blog here. Look down at the photos section. I only have 3 pictures of it currently. If you wish you can follow the link to 'flickr' and look at other pictures also.

I stay fairly busy of late.

I still check in with SEVERAL people...and no not all at once.

I am looking forward to starting my new job on 5/23/05!

It is nice to have a full home again. I love my room mates very much. Each of us is diverse but at the same time symbiosis resides.

Time of thought and of goodbye's

How many times can one say to oneself..."goodbye old patterns"?
Lately, I have gathered it is just about every day.

I am a beginning and an end to myself.
To breath is a beginning and to exhale is an ending to that beginning.
It is constant motion. As long as I continue to inhale I take on new characteristics of thought and action. To exhale those thoughts and actions that no longer hold optimal benefit for my health.

I think of living like the actions in swimming...the strokes it takes to move a body through the water is in effect REACHING and bringing motion to the body. To kick ones feet will help propel the physical into a better and stronger motion.
Water can symbolize emotions, or tears, or the 'water of life' which we are all made of.
Even when I dive...it is with the willingness to jump in and be immersed in the fluid motion of life. Sometimes I make a heck of a splash...other times I just dive in and glide smoothly without making a ripple or a sound.
I can hold my breath, but the action itself has to change and the old stale air needs to be released. This enables me to take in a new breath....new thoughts...new life. Even Oxygen is based in water molecule combinations.

It is all fluid motions of life.

I say goodbye to the used up and old patterns of breathing. I wish to have new influences and rhythms in my pool called Life.

I can either swim in an old worn out suit or I can swim fresh and clean in the joyous body that helps me move through this life.
My body is perfectly suited to move through the waters. Be they rough and dangerous or calm and clear.

Even tears have a way of releasing emotions that are pent up and they can cleanse the eyes for a better view of Life.

OOO time for a High Dive!
Yes, I can still do flips, too!

Watch me glide and watch me struggle at times...and cheer me on. My goal is to be swimming 'freestyle'!

G'night everyone...peaceful dreams and enlightenment on your waking.

What makes a weekend go 'round.....

Woo hoo!
Let's start off with working a later shift than normal on Friday....
add in a date that had a good beginning and a less than cold feeling at the end ...
add a bit of WAY early rising on Saturday after very little sleep on Friday....
Drive downtown to go Saturday morning shopping with a friend at a closeout sale of Chef's catalog (and hey kids!...I saw a LOT of things that would be cool for cooking with for my dinner times with you both! LOL) Then go and work for another friend and drive 60 miles delivering flyers...then over to Coppell to watch Antje's dawgies...then Richardson to pick up Kassy...then back to Addison and listening to "The Bone Jam" at Addison Park. OH MAN! 'Styx' still sounds pretty good! Was a delight running into friends from the Hash too!
Then back to Richardson to drop off Kassy...then back to Coppell to play with Dawgies...then up early on Sunday to play with Dawgies again at the park...(yes, Mikey...I played with Elliot, also!) Then looked at a few homes...then took a nap and then went to a May Day celebration with my daughter (SO glad she reminded me) and had a blast!
I didn't get to climb, fly, ride, or sleep much this weekend. I did get to belly dance and to drum with a different group of people, however.
It is Monday now...Tired and my truck wants to rest, too.
However...
I get to pick up my bestest friend on Tuesday afternoon.
He is one who has stayed in contact with me through his working year in Korea. Never judged me or made me feel like I was less than perfect ...just as I have with him. Distance doesn't stop the talks...it enhanced the directness we have had between us.
I am looking forward to Marty returning home for however long it is that he is here before he leaves again. You see Marty has 'sand in his shoes'. A very old term...but it fits him.
Bob and Sharon are engaged and return on Wednesday from Europe. I want to have a party for them to celebrate the engagement. I am SO happy to see them binding their lives together... Their kids are all pleased as well!

Life is getting interesting and still very, very full.

I am enjoying being on my own and searching for where I want to live next.
I look forward to my new job...new opportunities...and personalities.

Whee!
Fly safely my, dear one.
Looking forward to our dinner together Tuesday night!
I sure hope you have ALL of your pictures ready for viewing!

Circe

WHOA! Crashed......

Hello WIND!!!!

I took a very short break to fly today during lunch. MAN, it was more gusty than I expected!
The bridle hooks are set for 300 pounds. however, with the amount of pull and 150 pound lines...one hook closure bent open and my kite was spinning outta control! It looked like a headless chicken running in circles. Fast spinning, verticle, tortured, circles ...until it hit hard on the ground.
All I could do was hold onto the one handle and hope that the bridle hook would hold on the other side.
BAM...and snap!
My right wing spar snapped in two.
Damn.
Actually, the graphite rod split all the way up. Now I need to order replacements and start cutting them to size.
Last spare spar (hehehe kinda redundant, eh? ) I had for the wing.

It was beautiful while it was up though!
Had so much pull I couldhardly keep on my feet!
WHEE!

Now...off to the climbing gym!

Have fun my dears...
I am.

Circe

Bestest is coming home!

My bestest friend Marty is on his way home! 6 days.. I pick him up at the airport on Tuesday afternoon...May 3rd. It has been a year today that I took him to the airport for his adventure in Korea. He went to teach English as a second language to children. He is a great teacher! He helped tutor me in some mathematics and was wonderful at boosting my confidence in what I know.
I may have to practice a little when he gets home. ;)
We would sit at the computers and listen to music ...drink coffee...and just talk sometimes...mostly it was the comfort of having someone that totally 'got you' without having to explain how I got there. Watching movies and laughing our butts off...climbing together...dancing with our friends...and riding bikes.
I like the times of just reading together too.
It helps having your bestest friend be a room mate also.

OH other news!
JUST as important!

My other two room mates (Bob and Sharon) are getting Married!
Bob and Sharon are in Europe right now on a month long adventure. They get home on the 4th :)
Bob proposed to Sharon on bended knee at a rope bridge in Ireland.
Way cool.
I was blessed too. I got to make the ring!

ANOTHER bit of news!
My friend Jeff Carmichael has asked his girlfriend to be his wife!
Congratulations to you Jeff and Annie!
I am SO excited for you both.
One of these days I would like to meet the one who won your heart, Jeff....I think she is a very lucky lady.


Other news....I am NOT a grandmother..yet ;)
MORE news!
I found out my son Jason has a girlfriend!
WAY cool.

ALL of this good news....

The world is revolving and changing.

I also thoroughly expect Marty will last a couple of months in the US and then head out to another adventure.
He just needs to touch base with his kids and family.

I am SO very excited!

Circe

Simple things

My childish nature is attracting attention again.
I fly my stunt kite at work sometimes during lunch. It is wonderful how many people send me emails...ask me questions...and want to fly with me now.
The day started off pretty fast.
I was disappointed stepping out my door this morning. Not at the beautiful sunrise...but that there was no wind.
Nada.
Stillness.
It made me think that my day was going to be rather busy at work. It was a very accurate thought.
Dwayne came by and asked me if I was flying today. He wants to try a dual string before he purchases one :) Naturally I carry six kites in my truck :) It's spring and it is normal for me.
I told him if I see the flags stirring I'll be outside in the front.
All of the upper executives on the 5th floor of the A building can stand at their windows and watch...and I have seen them do this. Some even wave to me and clap!
Today...no wind. *sigh*
Maybe tomorrow there will be wind.
I need to remember my sunglasses. It is hard to follow what I am doing without searing my eyes with sunlight.

To hear the song of the wings as they cut into the air and pull me.
Elation.

I hope there is wind....tomorrow.

Circe (zzooommm)

Much ado about nothing

let's see the whole you
that part you hide from
that part you dance around and sing to
lay it out there and fear not that there is only you

you being of light are one with all that is, was, and will be


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can it be more simple?
To be open hearted means that it IS going to hurt..that there IS loss..and there are tears.

I don't need...but I do want.

I felt thrown away for a brief moment today.
Instead of hiding it, I left a message.

It is all about growing past the needful child.
My daughter has compared me to a child at times.
Yes I am.
I have not learned NEAR what I need to learn before my time ends here.
I know that there are many that will cross paths with me and go on.
Just as I will.

I still fly kites, play, get dirty, work, cry, run, bike, dance until I can't stand anymore from exhaustion.

It is life. It isn't nothing.
It is all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have people in my life that ARE involved with me.
They listen to me talk when I express a need to uncover something about myself.
Some call it lucky to be in that world of mine.
Some call it heartbreaking.

"Did you ever love me, Circe?"
I was asked that long ago.
I answered "no" at the time because I didn't think I knew what love was.
I did love you.
It is different than anyone I have ever known or will know.
You were unique to my world.
I learned some hard heartbreaking lessons from you.
I learned to be fearful of needing...and wanting to be loved.

I think I should have asked the same question of you....but my answer made you angry as it always did.
You heard only part of my statement but you forgot to feel the person that was saying it.
Something I think you never did for long.
Only brief moments of you understanding my world.
My ghosts. My pains. My joys.

I can love and not ask for it to be returned.
Every human has the right to such an emotion.
It isn't always meant that it is returned by the person you love.
Sometimes we are played as fools...but not really if we understand that our hearts know the answers before we ask the questions.

I loved you and still do.....in a different sense of the world of what is right and what is wrong.

We were painful together.

I am happy alone...but I still love you even if it was never enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Dance" he said.
"Not with motion but with your mind.
Let it lead the muscles into the shape you seek to form out of thought."

I have never forgotten those words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Synopsis of thoughts that are random and still very direct.
You seek to understand me?
Think again.
I cannot even understand myself or my purpose at times.
However, I know with all my soul that I am doing what is needed. Doing and living what I am supposed to.

I tire of always letting go.
I want to have someone want to stay,
To find they like to play also.
That they like to laugh.
That they love just being.
Not dependant or needing.
But just sitting and holding hands or walking in the moonlight and looking up to find pictures in the clouds.
These are things that have occurred with all of my closest lovers.

One of these days I hope to find that these are all exsisting in one person. That wants to share their life WITH ME.


Goodnight.
Circe


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In time

There is a moment in recognition that a small sigh can be the best breath in life.
Can you focus on the frozen particles of crystalline air? What will the settling of the breath bring into view?
In time...
All becomes liquid again,
Flowing and reforming puddles and pools of liquid...to be taken again into the air and frozen.
All in a sigh.
A breath...
A dream.

Wondering where I am going with this?
A recognition that fear freezes me. A small sigh because I was afraid to breath in deeply about my choices.
When I relax and warm to my environment...all begins to regain shape and starts to flow together again....until I forget.
Then the cold fear freezes the living emotion and puts it out into the outer reaches...dissipating into tiny separate crystalline form.

I have never been one for being still. I have to move and dance and feel the world around me.
My mind constantly flows with ideas and dreams and beliefs. I can choose which one to experience. I am the cause of the flowing events in my life.

I have made a choice of a new career avenue...one that I have been involved with before.
I loved it then and still love it now.
The brightness and life that dances inside the crystal structure...is a reflection of old times and memories that are solid...that once were liquid...that once were nothing but vapors.

There is passion again in my life.
Joy at creation of many things.

There are also the emotions of my life which are the beginnings of recognition of who I am. It really is safe for me to be the woman and the child. I am so very happy in my life right now.
I have friends...really great friends. They do not ask me to change...but celebrate along by my side. There is laughter, touch, play, talk, cuddles, and excitement! I am so very fortunate that my eyes and heart are open at this time in my life.
That is another form of creation.

Creating ME each time I breath...and each time I fall in love with the wonders of the world and of being truly human.
A WHOLE human.

Open heart and all....and yes...even with the tears that come in times of sadness...it is all flowing.

To the one I love with all my heart... you are released to the flow of life and those around you.

Me being me.

Change is in the air

OMG.
A new job.

Change occurs on May 20, 2005.

wow

All things GREAT and small

Imagine staying out WAY too late on Saturday night (oohhh say 4:30 AM arriving home?) and sleeping until 11:45 AM (yes! I got almost 8 hours) to waken with a rush and realize...

I AM CO-HARE for a BIKE HASH! God...where is the coffee?!?
=)
It was a blast to lay a trail with Antje. It was nice just having someone to ride along with again and just visit with. I have missed spending time with Antje like this. I remember staying over at her home in Arlington (The Sanatorium) and just hanging out, cooking, and riding on the trails.
Always laughter and companionship have been there with her. I have made several friends over the last 5 years. I actually met Antje through a co-worker and friend, Jeff Carmichael. The wonderful thing about Antje is her heart. It is huge and wants to express happiness and fun to whoever she is around. It is a growing space for us both in this friendship.
I love listening to her speaking German. It is an interesting language and one I cannot mimic well... so that is intriguing to me.
Oh yeah...the Bike Hash...
BEGINING TO MARK THE TRAIL:
Antje exploded in the parking lot.
We started riding out and then the flour and bag went into her spokes! POOF!! this huge cloud of white powder! I am trying hard not to fall over while laughing like crazy! Antje managed to not wreck and then tried dusting off with a floured hand over a floured body. The actual trail was supposed to start off at Bob Woodruff Park. So off we go to the Trail Head.
I actually have gotten into such a routine of riding that I didn't pay attention and ended up going on the trail I ride...instead of to the parking lot where everyone was meeting us at. :) Safety factor: always wear a helmet! :) Got to the start and slowly people are trickling in. My friends Rob and Serena actually caught up with us at the beginning to ride the trail too!

What led up to the decision of the trails we marked? First thing is go uphill. Not a huge hill ...but not short either.
A BJ marked by me and then True Trail led on up the street by Antje. Now remember...If I am marking false trails or BJ's ...I have to ride out then catch back up with Antje...sometimes I know the short cuts...and sometimes it is BEST to go back and follow her trail.
Not to hard considering we had discussed the trail to begin with...but there are always adaptions. the fun part was hoping that the hounds (Hash riders trying to follow our trail) would spend a long time on the Check Points. ( Means a trail can go ANY direction. ) The first check point was a BJ ( means that the markings were a trick or a Blow Job). PLEASE REMEMBER that the hash is known for sexual references. The second check point was hard for the hounds to find for some reason. It actually took you through a kinda nice residential area that had another park in it that I had not ridden in before. Only ONE spot of PI (Poison Ivy)
that was on a trail drop off and was a perfect BJ marking spot. Antje graciously went in to mark the area...and never touched a single leaf of PI!
Then onto the rest of the trail markings. There was a winding and nicely paved path at the Park and it was relaxing.
Antje did find a place that ended up getting a non-traditional marking....and they both lead to the same place! On we go to finding the beer check point!
This is about half way through with the hares or a beermeister showing up with beverages to drink. I even put a bottle of water in for 'in case' needs. This beer check was at a farm near the Plano East Senior High School. We also discovered religion while on this trail. The farm was nice with cows and Canadian geese and gooslings running around. Then we turned our heads and see cattycorner from us a home with a HUGE sign of the 10 commandments in the bushes next to the home. We never saw this when we were scouting out a stopping point! *sigh* I remember the 10 commandments...every one. Guess some people need to remember them by seeing them everyday.
So then we call 'on trail' and get the riders off onto the road again.
One girl RAN the whole thing...not a lot of miles (9 total) but when you have to do the check points all by yourself...it can get twice as long.
She had already run 20 miles that day too! Amazing woman.
Anyway...the trail went through the high school grounds and looped around the running track.....hehehe I thought Antje was quite fun with this idea! then back out with a check in 360 degrees in a big parking lot of the school.
Oh yeah...we did set trail to go THROUGH the school...there is an open air center with a pond. :) Hopefully the cops weren't caled in to check the flour. ;)
Then the group had to go across the street to a little path that ran across the back of this huge church. Interesting signs and moments all around us....
Literally
"Points to Ponder" and in Plexiglas and metal cases..these were bible verses that were spread out every so often for the casually strolling meditation. We also got to pass on the back side of some homes with acerages and horses. Saw 2 miniature ponies that were as tall as teh base of my hip bones at the top of their heads....and they had a Pony as a companion horse. Very cute these 3 were!
The next area of the trail led you through a ranch estate area with land and animals. there were sheep too! At the end of this little quiet road...was another check...and then the leading trail was to another park. We entered on the northeast side and went across the field. MORE horses and goats on the far back of the field!
I then took Antje to the trail head...and the park has been maintained for the last couple of years and there usually is no PI on the trails.
We rode around and did a Circle Jerk (a trial that forms a loop and puts you back at the beginning) in the nature walk preserve area. Then we did a True Trail that went along the creek...and still no PI! Whew!
The trail came out at near the Grocery store across the street from my home. and the True Trail arrow was at the entrance to my condominum complex.
I had laid dollops of flour leading to the pool and was waiting for all to show up.
It was fun! I am a little sunburned because I forgot to use sunscreen agian...but the weather was perfect!
We all gathered after all riders and runner were in and talked and chatted and sang some really silly songs. Then those who wanted to cook stayed longer and we talked of diving and running and telling the new boots (first time to a hash) interesting information.
I look forward to Rob and Serena joining in on more rides. They had a blast! We had a few visitor hashers from other places and they joined in at the beginning after Antje and I had left. They did a good job catching up from the the train station to the hash start!
After the hashers left for home Antje, Kassy, and I were talking in the computer room at my home.
Next, Jason and I got ready and headed down to Absinthe so he could see the tables I have been working on and visit with his sister

All in all Sunday was a GREAT day. Small moments of thought....Greater enjoyment of being around friends and the Best was feeling peaceful again in my heart.

THAT was the greatest gift of the day.... and it was a gift I gave to myself.

I do love to ride my bike with friends =)
I really wish my family could join in, too.

Letting go

Discovery of oneself means to let go of previous perceptions.
The old beliefs hold no value for what one feels today.
Fears have a way of holding me in an old pattern.
I am learning to let go of wanting my friends,family, or lovers (past and present included in my multiple inference) to understand my heart and mind. I can be who I am openly and not worry about someone approving of me.
I am enjoying my life at this time.

My bestest friend Marty is coming back to the USA! He is also my roommate and has been one of the best support systems for my mind.
My friend Chris has moved on to other adventures.
My children are searching for their place in the world which may entail Amanda moving to Colorado and Jason may move to Allen from Melissa, Texas.
My niece is in Florida right now training for her new job.
My sisters are happy in Wylie, Texas. My Mom and Stepdad are happy in Terrell, Texas while my Dad and Stepmother are happy in Port Townsend, Washington.
I also have a Stepbrother that lives in Port Townsend. My Stepsister lives in Seattle. They both have families and are happy where they are.

I am the only single, besides my 22 year old son, in my family.
Jason is attempting to get back into college and I think he will do well with his choice of major.

I am only responsible for me.
I love my friends but I am FINALLY willing to walk on my OWN.

I let go feeling like I am responsible for anyone else's happiness or growth.

I like my experiences of new people and going when and where I want to go.

I am letting myself go so I can discover my new path and my new companions in my life.

Into the sky

Yesterday at lunch I took time to fly my stunt kite. It is made by Into the Wind out of Colorado. A dual line stunt kite called "The Edge". They do not manufacture it anymore. I have repaired the graphite spars several times now.
The beauty of this kite is the pull it has when the winds are fast. I have to lean back on my feet to keep control as the scream of the material is met by the unseen force of wind.
VERY powerful. This is not a huge kite...but one that can take up to 150 lbs of wind force. I have learned how to fly it without assistance. I can take off from the ground by a single well timed tug.
The fun is in trying to cut the kite on the edge of wind. Will it still fly and recover? Will it crash?
How do I keep it moving when there is barely enough wind to toss my hair?

It screams when you catch the perfect edge of air.

I took it out again today at lunch to fly.
Hardly any wind. I flew it...but it only tugged me once.

A lot of times flying the kites is like physically being in the air.
You dance on invisible arms of a stranger that is familiar in some ways. The wind caresses your skin as you feel it trying to steal your loved one away.

I always feel like after I fly that I can close my eyes and be up in the air with my wings spread wide. I trust that what is not seen is able to carry me where I wish to go.

It is all about adjustments...and feeling the lines and the sails...and hearing which way you are whispered go and follow.

Dancing on thin silken strings.

Gifts

Amazing things happen when you just shut up and look around you.
The gift of perfect wind to fly my kite.
A gift of a dance from a child.
A gift of a smile from old eyes that are forgetful of youth.
The gift to be healthy and able to breath, walk, dance, sing, jump, and play.
The gift of my children calling me and telling me they love me.
The gift of my parents being around me still.
More gifts than I could ever dream of.

Life is a gift. Trust is a bigger gift.

I once trusted no one.
Now my belief is that I can trust myself to do exactly what I need to do to take care of myself.
I am nor can I influence another soul.
Don't want the job either.

I have a wonderful friend coming back into the US in a couple of weeks. Marty is finished with his contract.
It will take a bit for him to acclimate to the time change and the culture shock from being away.
I am sure all of his lady friends will want time with him.
I am sure his biggest claim will be his Children (they are lady friends too!)

All other close friends have new lives to lead.
Kassy spends some time with me. We will be doing some trails this weekend.
I am supposed to ride with my daughter on Sunday morning (if it doesn't rain).
I look forward to the slower years of my life.

Now...I need the quiet...I have been to involved in the outer world and forgotten of my inner world.

My daughter pointed out that the hundred acre woods didn't dissappear..they just ended up in my back yard.

How right you are Amanda.
I thank you.

Soon will be a huge group of us going to Scarborough Faire. Amanda and I always dance there together. I have no
clue as to who all is going.
I don't really care.
It is important that I go with my daughter. I wish my son enjoyed it too.
He is also a fine dancer.

Time to be my own again.

See you all on the trails sometime...or in the sky.

Circe <>

Childish Dreams....

Find a place to sit quietly
Watch the grass grow
Hear the wind blow
Dance with flowers of May

I knew these dreams so long ago

Growing pains
Dreams of Knights
Hear the tears
Childhood flight

I had these feelings all my life

Dance in the moonlight
Cry for love not found
Wish upon a star each night
Sleep till the sun goes down

I moved upon the earth in fright

Close my eyes
Reach for my heart
Turning away
I ran

I find these actions returning again

Sleep with the Unicorn
Watch the wind blow
Cry when the rain comes
Time for me to go

I wonder if I will dream again…..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember...I write poetry when something REALLY gets my attention.
I worked with a counselor today. Some call them nonesense or not consistant therapy.
The thing about it is if I am just talking about what I FEEL at this time...I usually have a discovery about myself.

There are parts of me that will never forgive what I perceived as injustices as a child. There are parts of me that are afraid to really honestly care about a person who WANTS to really know me.
The old thing about let me tell you the worst so you can leave now. Childish hopes and dreams should have stayed in the past.

The plans for now?
Growing past them all.

Life is changing dramatically for me right now.
Some will call me a cold hearted bitch.
It hurts.
Some will call me friend
It can still hurt.
I don't like being exposed. I don't like not knowing what to do.
I sit silent of MY dreams.
I sit silent of MY desires.
Always trying to do the best I can and it falls short. That in itself is a lesson.

Don't it always seem to go.
You don't know what you got till it's gone...
They paved paradise to put up a parking lot.

Whooo what dat dat
Whoooo what dat dat
Whoooooo


G'night Christopher Robin and Pooh
G'night Piglet
G'night Tigger

The hundred acre woods are no more

Long weekend...and it ends with music

Been a really busy, stressed, fun, and real weekend.
The weekend entailed a happy hour with LOTS of people from the DFWH3 all joining me at Absinthe Lounge (owned by a couple of friends of mine) and then rushing off to a date.
Of course just as I was leaving a guy came in that I was looking forward to talking more with. He wears GREAT cologne.
Then up a long time on Friday night...and slept some on Saturday morning....To come back to helping my friends by grooming their dog. IN THE DARK is not the most effective time to groom a dog. Thank goodniess Corky is a sweetie.
Then Saturday night I had another date with a friend to go to a April Foolishness party. These are a group of people that attend Burning Man and are VERY interesting to talk with. The hostest was wonderful and her home was very relaxing.
Then home around 3 (time change occurred) and I crawl into bed MENTALLY tired. I woke up at 8 to start again. I went BACK to finish up (actually clean up a bit ) the grooming of Corky the Wonder dog. Then sat and talked a little with Janelle which was nice. Then on to the Stoneworks Climbing gym for some climbing and some food. My Sunday Supper Club was having their event at the gym!
Unfortunatly some of the timing was a bit off...normally we eat at 7 and this time it was at 8. I wish everyone had stayed. It turned out to be FANTASTIC!
Lots of great food and good company. Mango (John Karnes) even made an apperance before he was leaving at 3:30 AM!. After eating..and no more climbing that night...there was a jam session that was a blast!
Played my french horn, my Cherokee flute, and several varieties of drums and other musical toys.

It was fun...but I am mentally tired again.

I need to be ready for a very challenging week this coming week...

Hugs to all....and I will be carrying my kites with me for a while.
The wind has been really awesome!

Circe

Not a fool by any means

Sometimes the hardest thing is seeing the direction of your friends lives...and realizing you are moving in opposite directions.
Still the main feelings...but no longer involved in familiar ways.
I dislike loosing touch with people. I have multiple friends but few that TRULY know me and my dreams.
I was thinking of all of the people I know now and the ones I knew before.
My longest time friend (30 years) is no longer in contact with me.
That is painful.
My shortest known friends all are pairing up and this sends them off to new directions.
It is sometimes strange looking at my children and realizing the choices they make send them away in new directions also.
Here is the wonderful thing of all this perspective:

I am still the center from MY perspective. They all come back to check in on me.

Now that may be a foolish way to look at your value, but I do not believe it is unwarranted.

I think I will go fly my kites today (after trimming a dog) and see who else will be pulling my strings and dancing in the sky with me again.

Wind

Soft wind blowing
gently caresses my skin
calling me to the outside to dance

Curtains gently moving
softly coming across my view
pointing me to my path with gently moving fingers

Sunlight stirs
hearing sighs and laughter
birds that start to welcome the day while bringing a smile to my face

Water sounds
gently tickling my ears with calm
feeling the movement that is change as the wind carries the sounds to me

Movement calls
time to dance in the sky
feeling pulled back into my life

Moment of trying to find reality

There are these times of inquiry that make me wonder who is really there and who is really sane.

Meeting people from all walks of life and wondering who is really making an impact on my life.... or am I impacting on theirs.

Not making so much sense right now, What is this loneliness I feel? Not really a part of the world but still walking through it,
Would it really matter if I had an opinion or had a desire to fully integrate the lessons that I am experiencing?

To be in this body and in my mind can be rather confusing at times. I get the feeling that I am separated at times. Fell from the clouds and to walk on the earth. Then again....did I come from the earth to try and reach the sky?

At this time in my life...a small moment really.... I feel like I belong no where. I know that there are paths for me to walk on and to experience. I just don’t know where to find my balance.
I have wants and I have dreams, I even have hopes of fitting in to a life that I know is on the edge of my consciousness.

I am tired of TRYING to be something I am not and I don’t even know how to become what I am supposed to be. Don't know if there IS something I am supposed to be. I can only act as I feel at the moment. It hurts in my soul to be so confused and so wanting.

I hope that I can find the reality of me.

I am lost at the moment with a hole that seems to want to swallow me up into nothingness. A hard drive home tonight when all I wanted to do was keep on driving...anywhere. Ending up in a new place to start over where I am not known by others.

I dislike this moment in my mind. I wish I had the ability to touch my friends that know me so well. My family is there and available but I do not wish to let them know how deeply my mind is hurting...my emotions hurt. I ache for someone or something to hold me close and tell me it is going to be all right or even okay.

It will be different in the morning after sleep....and dreams that guide me.

Am I real or am I just a tape that doesn't have an end...just endlessly looping and playing the same song for a dancer that doesn't know when to rest?

Please my dear...just hold me and tell me I am okay?

Sands of Time

Check it out!
Thanks Jenny! I loved this....


This 9 minutes of a sand artist's work is fascinating. There's music, but even if you are somewhere that sound is a problem, don't worry about it - just enjoy watching the ever-evolving art. By the way, when I clicked on the link, I got a message that the site couldn't be found ... but all the while it was downloading the video, which worked perfectly.

http://extra.waag.org/users/aske/moviez/sicaf_sand.wmv

I guess you could title this art form as " Quick Sand "

Circe

Interesting days and night time dreams

Like...wow!
I had a great and busy weekend. Lots of things happened.
I did manage to have very 2 interesting dates. (that was written for my Dad and Stepmom's benefit) =)

Days have been busy with getting back into physical routines that are not 'quite as dangerous' for my body. Eating habits are changing dramatically...and going to a gym to work out ...means I am rearranging my time of activity...again all change is good.
One of my most interesting things to do this past week was visiting with my daughter.
You know, I thoroughly enjoyed sitting at her house and talking with her. We sat outside and had coffee and talked. Just talked under the stars and moon. We watched a group of 'kids' from her doorway that were sitting in the parking lot and goofing around as only 'sport jocks' can do.
We were finally noticed by them and they all left for McDonalds. Jeez...really healthy guys.

The weekend entailed NOT running in the rain and thunderstorm...but in going to the gym and learning some workout routines. Going to dinner with friends...and enjoying the people I know. I don't celebrate Easter in the traditional sense anymore. Had lunch on Easter Sunday with Mark and his mom and two of his Long Time family friends. It was wonderful nad the company was so delightful. Seeing all the children in their easter clothes was nice. I enjoyed my people watching tremendously on Sunday.

I like celebrating my spiritual consciousness every day. My thoughts and actions will place impressions and directions into my awareness.
Every day it is a way to learn how to live in harmony and in growing awareness.
Sounds kinda "whee-do whee-do (place in twilight zone song here)"

The dreams at night have been about moving and people coming and going in my life.
Some I recognized...some I had no clue where they came from.
The people that is. I do recognize the personalities though.

I like the direction of my life. Not sure where it will carry me to, but I am willing to explore the feelings and the emotions of it all.
Have a great day my dear ones...

Circe

My daughter sent me a test

You scored as Paganism. Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion. Paganism 92% Buddhism 79% Islam 75% Hinduism 67% Satanism 63% Christianity 50% Judaism 42% atheism 42% agnosticism 33% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

This was interesting to do, for me that is.
Remember...all tests are made by humans and inquisitive minds do think of some strange process in order to 'prove' one way or the other.

Enjoy!

Circe

Sunshine and music

It is interesting that standing in sunlight and closing my eyes can bring songs to my mind and joy to my heart.
The wind whistles by my ears and caresses my skin in small tender and teasing touches.
The call of string on my fingertips and the sight of colors that dance in the sky above me. I am not really flying my kites with this image...but I am dancing in the air.
The kite is an extension of the self due to the connecting strings.
The pull of the wind as I make a turn that is fast and sharp...and then the successful steadiness as I find the steady stream of touch.
The wind lifts my colors as it does my heart.
It isn't that I am fighting the directive winds...but learning to dance in them. To feel the joy and the peace like nothing else can bring me.
The songs are from memories as a child. The laughter I felt while climbing trees and walking in grass. The wave of my hand up to the sky because the wind was better at carrying my arm in that upward direction.

If you have not flown a kite in a while, or ever tried it, I would recommend it. There is peace in the actions of holding on to the strings and just watching how it dances in the air and in the sunshine.
A connection that is slight and yet strong.

Think about it.

Run, run, run as fast as you can...

Can I be caught? Must not be because I am the Ginger Bread man!

Interesting story that is.
Ego makes you boastful and not as attentive as one should be.
Lots to learn about myself this year. Some I like...some I don't. Time to change the thinking again.
I love gingersnap cookies. They love me too!
The stick around all over my body.
I have actually been pretty good about my change of eating habits. I like this. Check out this link for an ONLINE FOOD JOURNAL that's free. No diet plans or recipes...just a journal.

Thanks Chris for the link!
I'm tired after massaging an old friend and discovering he also is known by another friend of mine. Wild. Small world to meet up with those you know from different lifetimes.
I even met a man that I had gone to Elementary and Jr High School with! Wonder what happened to all the women I used to know?

So interesting!

Nighty night!

Lot's of kisses and snuggles, too.

Finely Clawed

UMPH!
What the heck??? It feels like a lead weight with stiletto heels on....BUDDY LEE!

Oh it is nice to cozy up with a loving animal such as this. He purrs and purrs while pushing his head into my arms and making sure he pulls my face next to his to head. Very carefully kneading my neck and face with his claws...not to scratch but to show pleasure that I am still.
Next is my sweet little Kali....cautious she is and a total opposite of Buddy Lee. She will lift your hand to have you rub her neck and Manx tailed junction. The sound of the Smokey Sealed tipped white Manx and the black American short hair cats.....purring in the symbiosis rhythm.
Warmth and contentment.
Cuddled up next to my sides or in between my feet.
Rolling around when I move...following me with soft sighs.

If love feels like this...then I will welcome it when it comes to reside with me.
They accept me just as I am and only want to spend time with me.
Playing and chasing...and cozy midnight purrs.

Buddy Lee? We need to talk about your eating everything....
Kali? Go ahead...play rough with the boy.

A moments dream

There is a belief in me that the mind is far better at giving answers if I can only shut my mouth up and open my inner ears.

The moments of waking up can be very fulfilling and also full of questions.
How many times have I got to repeat my lessons before I FINALLY get it?

The not feeling well of late and limitations in my physical activities is driving me nuts. It is the times that I avoid 'deep thinking'. Over anal-ization (yes I meant to write it that way) means I have nothing good left to view of myself.
Timing is everything.

A very good friend has had to unfortunatly listen again to my mood. I enjoy being around people...a lot.
I feel very disoriented not being out and about.
I have managed to almost find the top of my desk again.
going through files...and memories...and questions...and reading...and trying to write.
I just am not feeling like I am progressing at the moment.

Need to continue allowing my inner ears to listen to my heart. To my brain. To my wants and dreams.

This is rather 'disjointed' but that is exactly how I feel at this time.

Circe

A reminder of WHAT I posted

Sunday, February 13, 2005
thank goodness I DIDN'T take the flu shot!

Jeez
I shoulda read what I wrote less than a month ago!
Sometimes having a blog...it good. ESPECIALLY if I want to remind myself of what I said before.
It can also be a bummer if I feel stupid that I didn't remember what I wrote.
I realized that the danger of pneumonia was a concern after reading what I posted in February.
The doc prescribed a medication that is for pneumonia. I remember seeing the xrays when the radiologist didn't think I was looking.
Ugh
I understand more than I want to at this time.

Enough I say!
I am TIRED of being ill.

Think I will behave and check in with the regular doc tomorrow.
I promise.

There are some things in life that one needs to go through I guess.
Me?
I'll be investigating some of my books and checking a few things out to see WHY I felt this need to lower my body defenses.
It all starts in the mind first (my belief).
That can manifest a lot of stuff with as fast as I think through a lot of different subjects.

Ah well...still growing I guess.
This is a good thing.

G'night and kisses to all

Breathing again

okay...I still do not deal well with hospitals but have learned the willingness to go. Especially when I can no longer breath.
Yes, I went to Medical City Hospital last night sometime around 8PM I think. My friend Chris stalked me to my truck and asked me what was wrong. I blurted out I couldn't breath and the need for the hospital was important.
"Are you SURE you should be driving?" (Chris)
"yeah...it isn't that far" (Idiot at the wheel)
"move over, I'll drive." (Healthy person outside the truck)
"no....go back have fun cause I can get there ...I'll call" (omg...I can't breath!)
then I drove about 20 feet....

Chris RUNS up in .01 seconds....
"I forgot to give you Beth's money and yours....." (still and idiot trying to drive)
"Is this cause you don't plan on seeing me any more?" (Chris is still being logical)
"Circ....please" (He's SO patient and understanding of my need to control my directions in life and one of the few that call me by my nickname - as if you can really shorten my name)
\\this is what I remember and could be incorrect considering that I am STILL and idiot trying to drive to the hospital and SEVERLY lacking O2 in my system//
"Please drive me Chris..." (idiot has SENSE! okay...sorta has sense)

Dang it ....been diagnosed with asthma and acute bronchitis.
This occurs just after damage to my rotator cuff...and a SERIOUS flu (new strain) that had me in bed for several days. I just got to start climbing! I started exercising and running again.
I think the bronchitis came on because we have people at the office that DON'T stay home when ill.
I am staying home my friends, and folks, until the doctor tells me I can return.

Write me emails or IM me when on line.
I am trying HARD not to talk on the phone cause I can't breath and it starts me coughing and it hurts.
Yes...I am in pain.
These are my boundaries my dears.
I am SORTA breathing again and I want to heal.

I will gladly accept well wishes, hugs if you are daring, flowers, and of course ....loving and healing thoughts.

Thanks!
Circe

Dancing motions

OH it was FUN!
Chris and Zak had a gathering of friends to celebrate Amanda's birthday.
GREAT job you guys on the organization and the location!
Al-Amir was a blast. Very traditional Lebanese food and dancers.
The dancing included the customers in the place getting on the dance floor and doing the line. If you want to learn more on the different styles just click on the words for a dictionary of terms and descriptions. Yes ...there are male belly dancers, too.
It was a blast to see all these people I have met through Amanda and Jordan. Some of them I hold great affection for! They all feel like my kids!
I did a bad MOMMY thing and invited a few friends of mine to attend.
Word to the wise parents. When it is a party thrown by your child's friends...ASK PERMISSION!
I sometimes for get that they have a life of their own and that I need to respect the boundry of their events.
Sorry kiddo's.
My son Jason was there also....unfortunatly the strobe lights bothered him and he needed to leave early.
So in my defense...I am glad I invited a couple of friends...so I could stay longer and dance some more!
After the Bella and her husband ...aka Jordan ;) ...left the scene...Christopher, Jens and Hilde, and myself, were still into partying. Amazing that we could out last the kids (Remember these 'kids' are from 22 to 37 year olds). So we drove to Absinthe Lounge
which is a place that I am inlaying mosaic tables at and I do enjoy the Live Jazz music on Thursdays.

I Really had a blast and we closed Absinthe down just talking and listening to the DJ that was spinning that night.

Today...I am going to Amanda's with Jason...for brunch.
I love having time with my kids.
Awesome people.

It is SO beautiful today that I think I can convince Jordan to do the honors of "Firing up the Barbie" and enjoying Amanda's front porch!

Maybe we will take the time to go fly kites.....

Kisses!

In the flow

Now that has a different meaning at this time in my life. Letting go. The flow of another river that makes it's way to join other lands.
I have had years of having my children celebrate their birthdays with me. It is poignant. I can remember the days they each were born so clearly. Then I am looking at this adult that stands before me talking...reasoning...deciding.
There isn't dependence like an infant. There isn't a searching need for knowledge and love.

They know.

There is nothing more for me to teach them.
There is only pride in watching them make their decisions. Recognition that I did the very best I could.
Watching them as their turn at life unfolds.
It has been a treat having Jason here this week.
I snuck in and watched him sleep for a little while one night.
I remember how sweet he was in his sleep at 3. Now there is this man that is my baby laying there...snoring...breathing...and dreaming of his life. Cuddled up in the blankets.
My daughter hasn't spent the night since just before her wedding.
I watched her sleep too.
Her small sighs and then her turning her face to her hand.
Her brow that wrinkles as she figures out where her dream is leading her.

My children have been gifts of wonder, joy, sadness, frustration...and loads of laughter.

I never thought I was good enough.
This I did just fine.

I am looking forward to eating and playing with my kids on Sunday.

That is the best gift.

Circe

It's later than I think

Midnight isn't the real thought on this.
It is a metaphoric relationship to finding where my time has flown with my children.
They will be 22 and 23 this week.
I can still see them, feel them, and smell them as newborns. How tiny they seemed.
I don't feel old...and I suppose I don't act old either. Maybe I should act old...would that make the time slow down any?
I know it wouldn't.
I am still very surprised at the children and the directions they have chosen to grow into. Each is so different from the other and they hold great affection (and frustration, too) for each other.
What did I do that was right?
I know I love them unconditionally. I respect that they are making life choices and I feel good when they ASK for my advice!
They are both so intelligent and independent. Okay....stubborn like their mom. Actually from me and their dad, Stephen, this trait was learned. Gives them the ability to stand up for their beliefs.

Beautiful babies, beautiful children, beautiful adults.

*sigh

I can do some things right.

Circe

thank goodness I DIDN'T take the flu shot!

I am finally feeling better.
I am so glad that I didn't take the flu shot....mostly because the flu variety I managed to incubate in my wonderful system is of a variety that there is no vacine for.
Bactieral Influenza that developes sever bronchitis...can go into pnuemonia.
It sucked.
A fever of 102 was uncomfortable...aches and pains in all the joints ...especially in my neck... ringing in the ears...sore throat...and a whopping crane like cough that hurt everytime it audibly surfaced.
What really sucked about it was that I had taken a couple of days vacation and ended up missing the rest of the week of work.

OTHERWISE....

I am finally feeling alive. I couldn't even run this weekend. Hard to draw a breath and I sound like Lauren Bacall.

Good thing is that I passed the stage of pneumonia.

Thanks to all that kept me in their thoughts!

Circe

About time, don't ya think?

I have had enough.
The shoulder is pissing me OFF!
I feel restricted in what I can do for playtime (I.E. climbing and riding)
and it is hard to sleep.
I will be going back to talk to the orthopedic soon. Will be begging for a release. You see...I am supposed to go to Korea in April 9last week) and into the first week of May.

My Children are about to be 22 and 23. Wow...where did the time go?
I want ot do yoga too for more flexibility and balance.
I went with a friend to a yoga class for about 30 minutes. It was WONDERFUl feeling. I am looking forward to going again.
Maybe I can get my daughter to join in, too.

I don't have a lot to write tonight....but I opted to stay home tonight. Saw my Son for a brief moment in time and then came home. It is nice and cozy here. THe cats are purring and my tummy is happy.
I am going to go to bed....EARLY....which I never do.

Kisses and hugs to all.

Circe

Lessons in Living

"What if every wrinkle, scar, or gray hair only made you more beautiful? What if every tear you've shed, mistake you've made, and challenge you've faced, only drew you nearer the light? And what if for every breath you've taken, every sentence you've spoken, and every path you've chosen, your fans in the unseen multiplied?"


This a blessing I think...to learn that I have managed to arrive where I am at...alive and Kicking!
Of course...if I wasn't alive I would not be blogging right now.
:)
Gotta keep the sense of humor alive.
That is what gets me through some of the days I mentally abuse myself on.
I do get tired of it. I have a wonderful life...some struggles...some questions (like a 4 or 5 year old)..and lots of friends.
It is unfortunate that I seem to find ways of 'breaking' me. I abuse myself emotionally and physically at times.
I 'push' my abilities of physical exertions in the stupidest ways at times. Like the injury to my shoulder. I am actually behaving this time and letting it heal properly. It is boring, but it is working. That is what matters.
I am doing other creative adventures today. I am sewing and designing a gown for myself. I haven't done that in years.
A GOWN folks and friends....elegant...flowing...and very feminine.
I went by myself last night and listened to a Live Jazz Band at Absinthe Lounge last night. The group was billed as "Jason Davis Jazz Group". They were GREAT! A girlfriend and I even danced to the music.
That is another fun part of my life.
Dancing. I just love it. Always have and always will.

I also went to a small part of a Yoga class. I have never been to one and I am interested in trying it out! The small part I got to attend was very relaxing. I looked at the core strength of these people that had been going for a while.
The bodies are centered, flexible, and graceful. If it helps in my health and balance...I want to try it and see what I can do. The instructor/teacher told me it is a dance...a liquid and slow dance. I believe it!
This excites me and calms me to think of it.

Well...it is off to the doctor to have him look at the shoulder :/ again.

I will write later on and keep all posted on the yoga!!
Hopefully soon I will be back to climbing, too! and bike riding...and other fun stuff!
It is ALMOST SPRING and time to get my kites ready to fly!

Whee!

Kisses to all,

Circe

Just another manic Monday....

I hate that song. It is catch in tune but the words are darn right irritating.
Mondays are okay. However my Monday today was not all that okay.
I guess I handled it okay from having little sleep...worry times...crying..and generally learning.
I enjoyed watching boxing last night. Spinks is really very good and Gonzales was sluggish. He (I suppose) has gotten 'too old'.
The Philadelphia Eagles beat the Falcons. It was a strange game.
The Patriots were ahead and did nicely trounce the Pittsburg Steelers. Yes I enjoy boxing and football. I think ALL the teams were nuts with playing in that temperature.

I am learning a lot my family and friends.
I am learning that I am not invincible to my emotions. There are STILL hills and valleys. I have sewn, painted, drawn, cleaned adn driven around this weekend.
Tonight I will read.

I am learning to emotional expand and it is scary in a way.
I find that there is hidden anger...hidden needfulness...hidden wishes too.

Chris tells me the same thing I tell others. (Hard to take your own advice you know)
Stop saying the negatives. Learn to live in the moment and notheing 'bad ' is gonna happen.
It is life.


Circe

A day of distance and of thought

Great visit with roomies and a friend last night.
Great talks.
Good sleep.
Bizarre dreams.
Woke up nicely and started talking again...
then

wham

thoughts are pouring in and I am segregated in feelings and 'thinking' again.

Core value
what is mine?

It is that I am changing and learning and growing and yes
going through
damn
confusing
thoughts
and
emotions.

Sometimes it is just that I need to observe.
Maybe not participate.
Maybe be the center of attention.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.

I sometimes wonder why I get injured.
The shoulder really hurt today with all the typing and shipping and lifting that I did today.

Therapy is done....but my PT rommie is here....she watches me move and suggests more torture for me to live through.

I am NOT normally a wuss on things about my body.
However this is pain.

I flushed the narcotics the Doctors had prescribed with the aid of a dear friend. Funny how that still bothers me.
I can't take ANY asprin or Ibu or aleve or ANYTHING except the anti inflammatory that helps some...and LOTS of icing.
Which weirdly makes the shoulder ache more.....deeply.
So lets think of other things .
Like NOT being able to climb just yet. 2 more weeks to insanely wait with patience and faith.
Not doing well on balancing on my mountain bike...rough rider that I am. Actually it is the landings that hurt ;)
Want to go camping and I do not think it wise to do so.
Which means I end up upsetting my girlfriend for canceling.

Jeez.
Boring being this way.
Moving around and stretching and freaking heavy workload at the job on weird moments of the days.

Sometimes I can't STOP thinking of the ache in my shoulder.
then the phone rings and my fingers fly across the keyboard.
It is weird having others watch me as I type.
I get nervous. It is easier when people are NOT watching how I type.
I hate being watched.
Makes me feel like I am about to make a mistake.

THEN
there are the times I love to be watched.
Maybe I chose a wrong career?

Ah well.
Time to go to sleep to see what answers I get tonight.

There are LOTS of different levels I am thinking on.
Stay
Go
Run
Hide
Fight
Think
Cry
Laugh

all emotions that are freaky in thoughtful ways.

Circe

TUT * A Note... from the Universe

Actually, Circe, your only "job" in this intergalactic affair called life, is thinking.

That's it. That's all there is.

And should you learn to focus your thinking, to dwell upon what you want instead of what you don't want, and to live as if your thoughts were more real than the prior manifestations that surround you, your life will become easy, floodgates will burst open, and if you want, everyone shall know your name.

Somebody must have been loving you, BIG TIME, when this old world began spinning.

Your secret admirer-
The Universe



how cool is that?

Circe

Far away in mind and from the body...

Okay...I have been off line for a bit.
HARD to learn to function again while on pain killers.
I learned this.
I do not function on them at all.

Here's the story of my mental hiatus.

I went to a new years eve party and was dancing.
I swung around a pole. POP goes the shoulder. MAJOR ouch.
Kind of embarrassing to say the least.
I hate admitting that my body was following a willing mental imagery of my talents as they used to be. I was unsure of the material in my evening gown and I tried supporting my moves with a shoulder that tends to separate.
Stupid thing to do.

Then on the next Tuesday I decided to go rock climbing. I had good advice from Chris that this may not be the wisest choice to make. To take time and let the shoulder heal. I listened to his advice and decided that I would not give in to my body but that I could surpass the injury by will and determination.
Stupid thing to do....again.

I really dislike this stubborn side of me.

No Daddy...It wasn't on the monkey bars at the park. Sorry for the lie, but I just couldn't say "I was Pole Dancing" even though it was fun and acrobatic.

*sigh*
Oh well, the truth is stranger than fiction.

The doctor I saw had me on Hydrocodone (Vicodine) and I was mentally screwed for a week. I tried to work on Thursday, but could barely talk.
Yes the shoulder hurt that bad. I haven't done heavy narcotics for 12 years since I cleaned up. I am taking an anti-inflammatory named Modic.
No aspirin. Doing the PT exercises and ice on the shoulder several times a day.
I still hurt. The shoulder pops and I will give it a few more days of PT. I do have range of motion again but it hurts.
As long as I keep moving it I should have no issue with it freezing up.
I hate the thought of surgery.

To know me is to see that I have a time being still.
I like activity. All kinds.
I have started to be more active in running again.
Palo Dura Canyon race is for my birthday in October.
I have been hashing a little more.
I love to ride my bike and Rock Climb. I really want to be back in good physical shape.
I have lost 50 pounds and still want to lose another 30 or 40 pounds.

I just seem like I get on a good physical kick and BOOM! I screw up again.
Never seems to be small injuries either.
I dislike looking like a goof, but I hate it even more when my family tells me I NEED to stop doing these activities.
I can't my loves...I have to be active. Otherwise I will be back in the drugs and mentally shutting down.
That was part of my therapy sessions. It is what makes me feel GOOD about myself.
I am not slim, trim, and beautiful but I do have pride in what I can do. I am competitive, too. I compete with myself all the time.

So that is the truth about my shoulder and my missing mind of late.
There is a hard part in all of this though.
I have these Darvocettes and Vicodines that I don't want to take.
But I don't want to throw them away either. That is truly scary to me.
I absolutely freaks my self esteem out and freaks my mind and soul out that I feel that way about them.
I haven't taken anymore of them since Thursday.
I will ask Bob and Sharon to watch me flush them in the morning though.

I never really talk much about what truly scares me the most.

This 'having the drugs that I did a lot of' when I was in my using days is freaky.
The feelings and the thoughts I went through while taking them was scary to the Nth degree.
I was watched over by Chris, and I thank him dearly for the friendship.
Bob and Sharon checked in on me, too. They have been concerned but they have not barged in and taken over. This is family feelings and I love you guys...deeply. A single woman could not have 2 better roommates that care as much as you guys do.

Marty....I am okay. I know what to do. I know that they were prescribed because of what I complained to the doctors about. I thank you so much for the calls and the talks. I miss you terribly BF.

Amanda and Jason...... I remember the stories of your perceptions of my cleaning up. I remember some of my own actions. It terrifies me to think that I would become like that again.
I promised you both that I would not walk that path again.
I keep my promises to my kids to the best of my abilities.
I love you both so very much that I hurt at what I remember having been.

I will be happiest when they are gone from my hands.
I just can't seem to turn loose of them on my own.

There it is folks.

Far away in mind and from the body.
Welcome to the mental turmoil of a Drug Addict living her life as it SHOULD be not as it once was.

Good night and I will see the world tomorrow.

Circe

Circe Invidiosa.....creating magic. Rather fitting I think. 

Wanted :

The holidays were wonderful.
Thank goodness the year has turned.
I am ready for the new adventures coming my way.
Yes there will be times that I can not be found....again....but it is worth it.
The tenative plans are this:

1) Going to Korea last part of April and into May to bring my bestest friend, Marty, back home to the USA.

I know ...he will argue and kick and scream about it...but SOMEONE has to talk reason into him. Besides..I am sure there are SEVERAL women around here that are looking for his return.
Me?
I have CHORES for him to do. LOL

Actually the plan to travel to Korea is real for me.
What a great opportunity to go and I have free accommodations and a guide that even speaks some of the language! Really proud of you Martin Joseph Rehder!

2) I plan on selling the condo and buying a house closer to all of my activities.
It is okay for me to live a little further from work.
It doesn't run my life.

3) continue losing the weight

4) convince Bob and Sharon to stay as my roommates....and share a much bigger home closer to Sharon's daughter who is pregnant for the second time! Brea informed us all on Christmas Eve. She and hubby Sam found out only 24 hours earlier! WHEW!

5) Find a partner to share my life with....but I am gonna work slow on this. I have plenty of time to do this. I am young (okay at heart and not in years) but I am tired of hiding behind 'safety' defensive manouvers.

6) Spend quality time with friends...and my kids if they will put up with doing some of the things I enjoy.

7) getting back into my artwork...ALL the different things I do.


It isn't a long list...but I like it and the choices.

I am a different kind of woman I think.
I deserve to have a man in my life that WANTS to love me as I am. I want to be in love.
Nothing wrong in that either.

Lets see...I have been told that it is best to have a defined list:

He will be...
in love with living,
compassionate,
and communicate in depth with me
not be into changing me but willing to grow with me...
and I with him.
He will understand what to play, laughing, being silly, and in what being serious is.
He should like to camp, to hike, to rock and tree climb, to ride bikes (street and mountain), and to run (as long as he has patience in my slowness) on the trails.
He doesn't have to like kites but have the willingness to lay down on a blanket with me while my kites are flying.
He will like children (especially GRANDCHILDREN...hint hint Amanda and Jordan).
He will be intelligent and curious and willing to try new things.
He will above all be honest with me. Not afraid to open up new topics of discussion because we can both grow that way.
He will want me in his life also.

I know that sometimes I require a little private time...and he will probably want the same.
He won't be afraid to ask questions.
He will be gentle with me and still be strong in independence and hope.
Spirituality is important.

So this is what I can think of so far.
I am allowed to add to or take away from this list, but I doubt that there will be "take-away" anything.

I inherently believe in the good in people...and I do wait to find out what is exposed in personality before I dare to open up totally.

I know...I know...here she goes again.
Want Want Want...
So what is wrong with having a desire that I share my happiness in life with a partner?

Nothing.
I am even wiling to meet my friends and families 'recommendations' but please remember...
I am selective. It has nothing to do with looks, It is about CHARACTER! INTELLIGENCE! HONESTY!
Have learned to be selective and no, I do not make it easy for someone to get to know the REAL Circe.
That is okay, too.

I am WORTH taking the chance on.

SO the New Year that so many greet with joy and partying...I am meeting with curiousity and desire.

I have heard several times from friends that I am 'so wonderful and giving' that i guess it is time to receive and accept the good intentions.

Of all my friends..the ones that read this will understand where it is coming from...and why.

Time to be the "Full Time Circe" that I know and so few get to see.

Hopefully sometime or other....who knows maybe in 5 years?...I will be introducing this man to all the wonderful people in my life and he will introduce me to all of the wonderful people in his life.
Could be sooner...Could be later. I have patience.

Now....to borrow something Marty always tells me:

It's ALL good, Baby! All good.

Nighty Night!

Circe