"What if every wrinkle, scar, or gray hair only made you more beautiful? What if every tear you've shed, mistake you've made, and challenge you've faced, only drew you nearer the light? And what if for every breath you've taken, every sentence you've spoken, and every path you've chosen, your fans in the unseen multiplied?"
This a blessing I think...to learn that I have managed to arrive where I am at...alive and Kicking!
Of course...if I wasn't alive I would not be blogging right now.
:)
Gotta keep the sense of humor alive.
That is what gets me through some of the days I mentally abuse myself on.
I do get tired of it. I have a wonderful life...some struggles...some questions (like a 4 or 5 year old)..and lots of friends.
It is unfortunate that I seem to find ways of 'breaking' me. I abuse myself emotionally and physically at times.
I 'push' my abilities of physical exertions in the stupidest ways at times. Like the injury to my shoulder. I am actually behaving this time and letting it heal properly. It is boring, but it is working. That is what matters.
I am doing other creative adventures today. I am sewing and designing a gown for myself. I haven't done that in years.
A GOWN folks and friends....elegant...flowing...and very feminine.
I went by myself last night and listened to a Live Jazz Band at Absinthe Lounge last night. The group was billed as "Jason Davis Jazz Group". They were GREAT! A girlfriend and I even danced to the music.
That is another fun part of my life.
Dancing. I just love it. Always have and always will.
I also went to a small part of a Yoga class. I have never been to one and I am interested in trying it out! The small part I got to attend was very relaxing. I looked at the core strength of these people that had been going for a while.
The bodies are centered, flexible, and graceful. If it helps in my health and balance...I want to try it and see what I can do. The instructor/teacher told me it is a dance...a liquid and slow dance. I believe it!
This excites me and calms me to think of it.
Well...it is off to the doctor to have him look at the shoulder :/ again.
I will write later on and keep all posted on the yoga!!
Hopefully soon I will be back to climbing, too! and bike riding...and other fun stuff!
It is ALMOST SPRING and time to get my kites ready to fly!
Whee!
Kisses to all,
Circe
Friday, January 28, 2005
Monday, January 24, 2005
Just another manic Monday....
I hate that song. It is catch in tune but the words are darn right irritating.
Mondays are okay. However my Monday today was not all that okay.
I guess I handled it okay from having little sleep...worry times...crying..and generally learning.
I enjoyed watching boxing last night. Spinks is really very good and Gonzales was sluggish. He (I suppose) has gotten 'too old'.
The Philadelphia Eagles beat the Falcons. It was a strange game.
The Patriots were ahead and did nicely trounce the Pittsburg Steelers. Yes I enjoy boxing and football. I think ALL the teams were nuts with playing in that temperature.
I am learning a lot my family and friends.
I am learning that I am not invincible to my emotions. There are STILL hills and valleys. I have sewn, painted, drawn, cleaned adn driven around this weekend.
Tonight I will read.
I am learning to emotional expand and it is scary in a way.
I find that there is hidden anger...hidden needfulness...hidden wishes too.
Chris tells me the same thing I tell others. (Hard to take your own advice you know)
Stop saying the negatives. Learn to live in the moment and notheing 'bad ' is gonna happen.
It is life.
Circe
Mondays are okay. However my Monday today was not all that okay.
I guess I handled it okay from having little sleep...worry times...crying..and generally learning.
I enjoyed watching boxing last night. Spinks is really very good and Gonzales was sluggish. He (I suppose) has gotten 'too old'.
The Philadelphia Eagles beat the Falcons. It was a strange game.
The Patriots were ahead and did nicely trounce the Pittsburg Steelers. Yes I enjoy boxing and football. I think ALL the teams were nuts with playing in that temperature.
I am learning a lot my family and friends.
I am learning that I am not invincible to my emotions. There are STILL hills and valleys. I have sewn, painted, drawn, cleaned adn driven around this weekend.
Tonight I will read.
I am learning to emotional expand and it is scary in a way.
I find that there is hidden anger...hidden needfulness...hidden wishes too.
Chris tells me the same thing I tell others. (Hard to take your own advice you know)
Stop saying the negatives. Learn to live in the moment and notheing 'bad ' is gonna happen.
It is life.
Circe
Thursday, January 20, 2005
A day of distance and of thought
Great visit with roomies and a friend last night.
Great talks.
Good sleep.
Bizarre dreams.
Woke up nicely and started talking again...
then
wham
thoughts are pouring in and I am segregated in feelings and 'thinking' again.
Core value
what is mine?
It is that I am changing and learning and growing and yes
going through
damn
confusing
thoughts
and
emotions.
Sometimes it is just that I need to observe.
Maybe not participate.
Maybe be the center of attention.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
I sometimes wonder why I get injured.
The shoulder really hurt today with all the typing and shipping and lifting that I did today.
Therapy is done....but my PT rommie is here....she watches me move and suggests more torture for me to live through.
I am NOT normally a wuss on things about my body.
However this is pain.
I flushed the narcotics the Doctors had prescribed with the aid of a dear friend. Funny how that still bothers me.
I can't take ANY asprin or Ibu or aleve or ANYTHING except the anti inflammatory that helps some...and LOTS of icing.
Which weirdly makes the shoulder ache more.....deeply.
So lets think of other things .
Like NOT being able to climb just yet. 2 more weeks to insanely wait with patience and faith.
Not doing well on balancing on my mountain bike...rough rider that I am. Actually it is the landings that hurt ;)
Want to go camping and I do not think it wise to do so.
Which means I end up upsetting my girlfriend for canceling.
Jeez.
Boring being this way.
Moving around and stretching and freaking heavy workload at the job on weird moments of the days.
Sometimes I can't STOP thinking of the ache in my shoulder.
then the phone rings and my fingers fly across the keyboard.
It is weird having others watch me as I type.
I get nervous. It is easier when people are NOT watching how I type.
I hate being watched.
Makes me feel like I am about to make a mistake.
THEN
there are the times I love to be watched.
Maybe I chose a wrong career?
Ah well.
Time to go to sleep to see what answers I get tonight.
There are LOTS of different levels I am thinking on.
Stay
Go
Run
Hide
Fight
Think
Cry
Laugh
all emotions that are freaky in thoughtful ways.
Circe
Great talks.
Good sleep.
Bizarre dreams.
Woke up nicely and started talking again...
then
wham
thoughts are pouring in and I am segregated in feelings and 'thinking' again.
Core value
what is mine?
It is that I am changing and learning and growing and yes
going through
damn
confusing
thoughts
and
emotions.
Sometimes it is just that I need to observe.
Maybe not participate.
Maybe be the center of attention.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
I sometimes wonder why I get injured.
The shoulder really hurt today with all the typing and shipping and lifting that I did today.
Therapy is done....but my PT rommie is here....she watches me move and suggests more torture for me to live through.
I am NOT normally a wuss on things about my body.
However this is pain.
I flushed the narcotics the Doctors had prescribed with the aid of a dear friend. Funny how that still bothers me.
I can't take ANY asprin or Ibu or aleve or ANYTHING except the anti inflammatory that helps some...and LOTS of icing.
Which weirdly makes the shoulder ache more.....deeply.
So lets think of other things .
Like NOT being able to climb just yet. 2 more weeks to insanely wait with patience and faith.
Not doing well on balancing on my mountain bike...rough rider that I am. Actually it is the landings that hurt ;)
Want to go camping and I do not think it wise to do so.
Which means I end up upsetting my girlfriend for canceling.
Jeez.
Boring being this way.
Moving around and stretching and freaking heavy workload at the job on weird moments of the days.
Sometimes I can't STOP thinking of the ache in my shoulder.
then the phone rings and my fingers fly across the keyboard.
It is weird having others watch me as I type.
I get nervous. It is easier when people are NOT watching how I type.
I hate being watched.
Makes me feel like I am about to make a mistake.
THEN
there are the times I love to be watched.
Maybe I chose a wrong career?
Ah well.
Time to go to sleep to see what answers I get tonight.
There are LOTS of different levels I am thinking on.
Stay
Go
Run
Hide
Fight
Think
Cry
Laugh
all emotions that are freaky in thoughtful ways.
Circe
Monday, January 17, 2005
TUT * A Note... from the Universe
Actually, Circe, your only "job" in this intergalactic affair called life, is thinking.
That's it. That's all there is.
And should you learn to focus your thinking, to dwell upon what you want instead of what you don't want, and to live as if your thoughts were more real than the prior manifestations that surround you, your life will become easy, floodgates will burst open, and if you want, everyone shall know your name.
Somebody must have been loving you, BIG TIME, when this old world began spinning.
Your secret admirer-
The Universe
how cool is that?
Circe
That's it. That's all there is.
And should you learn to focus your thinking, to dwell upon what you want instead of what you don't want, and to live as if your thoughts were more real than the prior manifestations that surround you, your life will become easy, floodgates will burst open, and if you want, everyone shall know your name.
Somebody must have been loving you, BIG TIME, when this old world began spinning.
Your secret admirer-
The Universe
how cool is that?
Circe
Far away in mind and from the body...
Okay...I have been off line for a bit.
HARD to learn to function again while on pain killers.
I learned this.
I do not function on them at all.
Here's the story of my mental hiatus.
I went to a new years eve party and was dancing.
I swung around a pole. POP goes the shoulder. MAJOR ouch.
Kind of embarrassing to say the least.
I hate admitting that my body was following a willing mental imagery of my talents as they used to be. I was unsure of the material in my evening gown and I tried supporting my moves with a shoulder that tends to separate.
Stupid thing to do.
Then on the next Tuesday I decided to go rock climbing. I had good advice from Chris that this may not be the wisest choice to make. To take time and let the shoulder heal. I listened to his advice and decided that I would not give in to my body but that I could surpass the injury by will and determination.
Stupid thing to do....again.
I really dislike this stubborn side of me.
No Daddy...It wasn't on the monkey bars at the park. Sorry for the lie, but I just couldn't say "I was Pole Dancing" even though it was fun and acrobatic.
*sigh*
Oh well, the truth is stranger than fiction.
The doctor I saw had me on Hydrocodone (Vicodine) and I was mentally screwed for a week. I tried to work on Thursday, but could barely talk.
Yes the shoulder hurt that bad. I haven't done heavy narcotics for 12 years since I cleaned up. I am taking an anti-inflammatory named Modic.
No aspirin. Doing the PT exercises and ice on the shoulder several times a day.
I still hurt. The shoulder pops and I will give it a few more days of PT. I do have range of motion again but it hurts.
As long as I keep moving it I should have no issue with it freezing up.
I hate the thought of surgery.
To know me is to see that I have a time being still.
I like activity. All kinds.
I have started to be more active in running again.
Palo Dura Canyon race is for my birthday in October.
I have been hashing a little more.
I love to ride my bike and Rock Climb. I really want to be back in good physical shape.
I have lost 50 pounds and still want to lose another 30 or 40 pounds.
I just seem like I get on a good physical kick and BOOM! I screw up again.
Never seems to be small injuries either.
I dislike looking like a goof, but I hate it even more when my family tells me I NEED to stop doing these activities.
I can't my loves...I have to be active. Otherwise I will be back in the drugs and mentally shutting down.
That was part of my therapy sessions. It is what makes me feel GOOD about myself.
I am not slim, trim, and beautiful but I do have pride in what I can do. I am competitive, too. I compete with myself all the time.
So that is the truth about my shoulder and my missing mind of late.
There is a hard part in all of this though.
I have these Darvocettes and Vicodines that I don't want to take.
But I don't want to throw them away either. That is truly scary to me.
I absolutely freaks my self esteem out and freaks my mind and soul out that I feel that way about them.
I haven't taken anymore of them since Thursday.
I will ask Bob and Sharon to watch me flush them in the morning though.
I never really talk much about what truly scares me the most.
This 'having the drugs that I did a lot of' when I was in my using days is freaky.
The feelings and the thoughts I went through while taking them was scary to the Nth degree.
I was watched over by Chris, and I thank him dearly for the friendship.
Bob and Sharon checked in on me, too. They have been concerned but they have not barged in and taken over. This is family feelings and I love you guys...deeply. A single woman could not have 2 better roommates that care as much as you guys do.
Marty....I am okay. I know what to do. I know that they were prescribed because of what I complained to the doctors about. I thank you so much for the calls and the talks. I miss you terribly BF.
Amanda and Jason...... I remember the stories of your perceptions of my cleaning up. I remember some of my own actions. It terrifies me to think that I would become like that again.
I promised you both that I would not walk that path again.
I keep my promises to my kids to the best of my abilities.
I love you both so very much that I hurt at what I remember having been.
I will be happiest when they are gone from my hands.
I just can't seem to turn loose of them on my own.
There it is folks.
Far away in mind and from the body.
Welcome to the mental turmoil of a Drug Addict living her life as it SHOULD be not as it once was.
Good night and I will see the world tomorrow.
Circe
HARD to learn to function again while on pain killers.
I learned this.
I do not function on them at all.
Here's the story of my mental hiatus.
I went to a new years eve party and was dancing.
I swung around a pole. POP goes the shoulder. MAJOR ouch.
Kind of embarrassing to say the least.
I hate admitting that my body was following a willing mental imagery of my talents as they used to be. I was unsure of the material in my evening gown and I tried supporting my moves with a shoulder that tends to separate.
Stupid thing to do.
Then on the next Tuesday I decided to go rock climbing. I had good advice from Chris that this may not be the wisest choice to make. To take time and let the shoulder heal. I listened to his advice and decided that I would not give in to my body but that I could surpass the injury by will and determination.
Stupid thing to do....again.
I really dislike this stubborn side of me.
No Daddy...It wasn't on the monkey bars at the park. Sorry for the lie, but I just couldn't say "I was Pole Dancing" even though it was fun and acrobatic.
*sigh*
Oh well, the truth is stranger than fiction.
The doctor I saw had me on Hydrocodone (Vicodine) and I was mentally screwed for a week. I tried to work on Thursday, but could barely talk.
Yes the shoulder hurt that bad. I haven't done heavy narcotics for 12 years since I cleaned up. I am taking an anti-inflammatory named Modic.
No aspirin. Doing the PT exercises and ice on the shoulder several times a day.
I still hurt. The shoulder pops and I will give it a few more days of PT. I do have range of motion again but it hurts.
As long as I keep moving it I should have no issue with it freezing up.
I hate the thought of surgery.
To know me is to see that I have a time being still.
I like activity. All kinds.
I have started to be more active in running again.
Palo Dura Canyon race is for my birthday in October.
I have been hashing a little more.
I love to ride my bike and Rock Climb. I really want to be back in good physical shape.
I have lost 50 pounds and still want to lose another 30 or 40 pounds.
I just seem like I get on a good physical kick and BOOM! I screw up again.
Never seems to be small injuries either.
I dislike looking like a goof, but I hate it even more when my family tells me I NEED to stop doing these activities.
I can't my loves...I have to be active. Otherwise I will be back in the drugs and mentally shutting down.
That was part of my therapy sessions. It is what makes me feel GOOD about myself.
I am not slim, trim, and beautiful but I do have pride in what I can do. I am competitive, too. I compete with myself all the time.
So that is the truth about my shoulder and my missing mind of late.
There is a hard part in all of this though.
I have these Darvocettes and Vicodines that I don't want to take.
But I don't want to throw them away either. That is truly scary to me.
I absolutely freaks my self esteem out and freaks my mind and soul out that I feel that way about them.
I haven't taken anymore of them since Thursday.
I will ask Bob and Sharon to watch me flush them in the morning though.
I never really talk much about what truly scares me the most.
This 'having the drugs that I did a lot of' when I was in my using days is freaky.
The feelings and the thoughts I went through while taking them was scary to the Nth degree.
I was watched over by Chris, and I thank him dearly for the friendship.
Bob and Sharon checked in on me, too. They have been concerned but they have not barged in and taken over. This is family feelings and I love you guys...deeply. A single woman could not have 2 better roommates that care as much as you guys do.
Marty....I am okay. I know what to do. I know that they were prescribed because of what I complained to the doctors about. I thank you so much for the calls and the talks. I miss you terribly BF.
Amanda and Jason...... I remember the stories of your perceptions of my cleaning up. I remember some of my own actions. It terrifies me to think that I would become like that again.
I promised you both that I would not walk that path again.
I keep my promises to my kids to the best of my abilities.
I love you both so very much that I hurt at what I remember having been.
I will be happiest when they are gone from my hands.
I just can't seem to turn loose of them on my own.
There it is folks.
Far away in mind and from the body.
Welcome to the mental turmoil of a Drug Addict living her life as it SHOULD be not as it once was.
Good night and I will see the world tomorrow.
Circe
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Monday, January 03, 2005
Wanted :
The holidays were wonderful.
Thank goodness the year has turned.
I am ready for the new adventures coming my way.
Yes there will be times that I can not be found....again....but it is worth it.
The tenative plans are this:
1) Going to Korea last part of April and into May to bring my bestest friend, Marty, back home to the USA.
I know ...he will argue and kick and scream about it...but SOMEONE has to talk reason into him. Besides..I am sure there are SEVERAL women around here that are looking for his return.
Me?
I have CHORES for him to do. LOL
Actually the plan to travel to Korea is real for me.
What a great opportunity to go and I have free accommodations and a guide that even speaks some of the language! Really proud of you Martin Joseph Rehder!
2) I plan on selling the condo and buying a house closer to all of my activities.
It is okay for me to live a little further from work.
It doesn't run my life.
3) continue losing the weight
4) convince Bob and Sharon to stay as my roommates....and share a much bigger home closer to Sharon's daughter who is pregnant for the second time! Brea informed us all on Christmas Eve. She and hubby Sam found out only 24 hours earlier! WHEW!
5) Find a partner to share my life with....but I am gonna work slow on this. I have plenty of time to do this. I am young (okay at heart and not in years) but I am tired of hiding behind 'safety' defensive manouvers.
6) Spend quality time with friends...and my kids if they will put up with doing some of the things I enjoy.
7) getting back into my artwork...ALL the different things I do.
It isn't a long list...but I like it and the choices.
I am a different kind of woman I think.
I deserve to have a man in my life that WANTS to love me as I am. I want to be in love.
Nothing wrong in that either.
Lets see...I have been told that it is best to have a defined list:
He will be...
in love with living,
compassionate,
and communicate in depth with me
not be into changing me but willing to grow with me...
and I with him.
He will understand what to play, laughing, being silly, and in what being serious is.
He should like to camp, to hike, to rock and tree climb, to ride bikes (street and mountain), and to run (as long as he has patience in my slowness) on the trails.
He doesn't have to like kites but have the willingness to lay down on a blanket with me while my kites are flying.
He will like children (especially GRANDCHILDREN...hint hint Amanda and Jordan).
He will be intelligent and curious and willing to try new things.
He will above all be honest with me. Not afraid to open up new topics of discussion because we can both grow that way.
He will want me in his life also.
I know that sometimes I require a little private time...and he will probably want the same.
He won't be afraid to ask questions.
He will be gentle with me and still be strong in independence and hope.
Spirituality is important.
So this is what I can think of so far.
I am allowed to add to or take away from this list, but I doubt that there will be "take-away" anything.
I inherently believe in the good in people...and I do wait to find out what is exposed in personality before I dare to open up totally.
I know...I know...here she goes again.
Want Want Want...
So what is wrong with having a desire that I share my happiness in life with a partner?
Nothing.
I am even wiling to meet my friends and families 'recommendations' but please remember...
I am selective. It has nothing to do with looks, It is about CHARACTER! INTELLIGENCE! HONESTY!
Have learned to be selective and no, I do not make it easy for someone to get to know the REAL Circe.
That is okay, too.
I am WORTH taking the chance on.
SO the New Year that so many greet with joy and partying...I am meeting with curiousity and desire.
I have heard several times from friends that I am 'so wonderful and giving' that i guess it is time to receive and accept the good intentions.
Of all my friends..the ones that read this will understand where it is coming from...and why.
Time to be the "Full Time Circe" that I know and so few get to see.
Hopefully sometime or other....who knows maybe in 5 years?...I will be introducing this man to all the wonderful people in my life and he will introduce me to all of the wonderful people in his life.
Could be sooner...Could be later. I have patience.
Now....to borrow something Marty always tells me:
It's ALL good, Baby! All good.
Nighty Night!
Circe
Thank goodness the year has turned.
I am ready for the new adventures coming my way.
Yes there will be times that I can not be found....again....but it is worth it.
The tenative plans are this:
1) Going to Korea last part of April and into May to bring my bestest friend, Marty, back home to the USA.
I know ...he will argue and kick and scream about it...but SOMEONE has to talk reason into him. Besides..I am sure there are SEVERAL women around here that are looking for his return.
Me?
I have CHORES for him to do. LOL
Actually the plan to travel to Korea is real for me.
What a great opportunity to go and I have free accommodations and a guide that even speaks some of the language! Really proud of you Martin Joseph Rehder!
2) I plan on selling the condo and buying a house closer to all of my activities.
It is okay for me to live a little further from work.
It doesn't run my life.
3) continue losing the weight
4) convince Bob and Sharon to stay as my roommates....and share a much bigger home closer to Sharon's daughter who is pregnant for the second time! Brea informed us all on Christmas Eve. She and hubby Sam found out only 24 hours earlier! WHEW!
5) Find a partner to share my life with....but I am gonna work slow on this. I have plenty of time to do this. I am young (okay at heart and not in years) but I am tired of hiding behind 'safety' defensive manouvers.
6) Spend quality time with friends...and my kids if they will put up with doing some of the things I enjoy.
7) getting back into my artwork...ALL the different things I do.
It isn't a long list...but I like it and the choices.
I am a different kind of woman I think.
I deserve to have a man in my life that WANTS to love me as I am. I want to be in love.
Nothing wrong in that either.
Lets see...I have been told that it is best to have a defined list:
He will be...
in love with living,
compassionate,
and communicate in depth with me
not be into changing me but willing to grow with me...
and I with him.
He will understand what to play, laughing, being silly, and in what being serious is.
He should like to camp, to hike, to rock and tree climb, to ride bikes (street and mountain), and to run (as long as he has patience in my slowness) on the trails.
He doesn't have to like kites but have the willingness to lay down on a blanket with me while my kites are flying.
He will like children (especially GRANDCHILDREN...hint hint Amanda and Jordan).
He will be intelligent and curious and willing to try new things.
He will above all be honest with me. Not afraid to open up new topics of discussion because we can both grow that way.
He will want me in his life also.
I know that sometimes I require a little private time...and he will probably want the same.
He won't be afraid to ask questions.
He will be gentle with me and still be strong in independence and hope.
Spirituality is important.
So this is what I can think of so far.
I am allowed to add to or take away from this list, but I doubt that there will be "take-away" anything.
I inherently believe in the good in people...and I do wait to find out what is exposed in personality before I dare to open up totally.
I know...I know...here she goes again.
Want Want Want...
So what is wrong with having a desire that I share my happiness in life with a partner?
Nothing.
I am even wiling to meet my friends and families 'recommendations' but please remember...
I am selective. It has nothing to do with looks, It is about CHARACTER! INTELLIGENCE! HONESTY!
Have learned to be selective and no, I do not make it easy for someone to get to know the REAL Circe.
That is okay, too.
I am WORTH taking the chance on.
SO the New Year that so many greet with joy and partying...I am meeting with curiousity and desire.
I have heard several times from friends that I am 'so wonderful and giving' that i guess it is time to receive and accept the good intentions.
Of all my friends..the ones that read this will understand where it is coming from...and why.
Time to be the "Full Time Circe" that I know and so few get to see.
Hopefully sometime or other....who knows maybe in 5 years?...I will be introducing this man to all the wonderful people in my life and he will introduce me to all of the wonderful people in his life.
Could be sooner...Could be later. I have patience.
Now....to borrow something Marty always tells me:
It's ALL good, Baby! All good.
Nighty Night!
Circe
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