She without arm, he without leg

A ballet of wonderful grace.

- ballet - Hand in Hand

beautiful and awesome in the feelings i felt

humbled

Liberate my mind...

Liberate my mind...

I really LOVE this song

Lyrics are posted on the link under "lyrics" (of course)
but i thought i would post them for you anyway.

raeF....
tbuoD.....
noitarapeS.....
ecnereffidnI.....


Save me I’m falling down
Guide me I’m going blind
Relieve me before my eyes run dry
Hear me at this time


chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It's what I ask
Liberate my Mind


Protect me when I face my darkness
Let my sorrows and confusions die
Be my shield of Love when fear shows up
Be my shelter under the wicked sky


chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It’s what I ask
Liberate my Mind


Light my way for Joy and Peace
Lead me for the Gift of Divinity
Refill me with the Truth that needs to be announced
Shine through me
Liberate my Mind


chorus:
I still really try to tell you
I’m ready now
I’m open for your Love
Don’t let me wait and go without
It’s what I ask
Liberate my Mind


Lyrics: Ilonah/Mars Music: Mars

This song is available at:
iTunes.com MSNmusic.com and MP3tunes.com



I like the way the sound of the music makes me feel.

I am wondering.....

it doesn't exactly feel like christmas is coming to me. not yet anywy.
it isn't celebratory until i can see my christmas bulbs.
first time to be in a place without a fireplace.
hmmmmm
need to be creative on this.....
not sure I want to use lights.
need to reach to my minds eye and see how the time has passed at remembering my life.

Like a curtain that is opened and on display for a time.

AHA!
I have the PERFECT idea!


Later... a picture.





and something different to for me to do.

Yayayayaya...I know I write A LOT this time of year

Seems to be the only way I can get centered and not sidetracked with the thought of not fitting in

it happens

unexplained loss of sense of innate control of my surroundings
WHY do I seem to always get something serious occurring in my life EVERY holiday time of the year...usually at or near birth date.

changes occur when you get older. I perceive many things differently than I used to when I was involved.
There is much I want to still do. Responsible only for me now.
Yet I choose a dog as a companion. Mostly because I like having the feeling of responsibility.
The companion that is thrilled to see me at any moment. That wants to be there whether it is in silence and a constant touch or in play. That can just sit and listen so I can get the words out of my head
although
sometimes I think they can answer back in my head :)
who knows....maybe I'm finally losing my sense of edge. where I end and where I begin.
I think of the spirit of our world and the feelings that are shared.
I like the love and the laughter the most
the caring
the being there to listen to a healer when they need a space to feel okay about being out of control
I hear that from a lot of professional friends right now
even kind of experience the feelings myself.
freak?
possibly :) But I would NOT trade my outlook on life or on people for anything else but growth.
period
I really enjoy how I live in my heart and my mind. I wish I could do more in my soul and physical world.
I give a lot of myself in several areas that I never talk about.
It's fine cause I feel good in what I do and volunteer my skills for.

But when do you start accepting for yourself?
When there is true need of rest and healing because you can't work on others if you are not right and strong.
Noticed that this pattern is that it all still ends up in service for others
as needed.

I am tired of being alone in my head.
I was a part of something that felt wonderful in acceptance in my heart.
I am sad it is gone.
Hard thing to think someone really "gets" you and appears on the same avenue or speed of growth and willingness to explore.
I want this and I don't want this.
I am afraid if I fail I lose total connection.
So I try to end relationships then work through having them as friends...with the memory being in my heart well the romance went...but the friend stayed.
Did I always choose the same type of friend?
Nope
to much variety

Change in heart direction or fear of having to have someone in my space all the time?
I like people a lot . It just sometimes is all I need ..... to only have a body there but no words spoken. The vibration pattern of the person matters a lot though.

Heh,
tall ladder, huh?
I make it okay to be left behind .... I can accept that an other's growth is on an other's path.
I make it okay that I move on. I have others to learn of so I can understand myself deeper. My drive for doing the best I can for healing.

I want a career change again and I will be testing as soon as I can.
I am DAMN good at massage and need the license with the ability to allow me to travel around. I can take my dog with me anywhere in the world
and while he is growing up and teaching me I can learn to be conservative within my limits and assist in building strength.

Deep thoughts....
By Circe

YAY! It's a day

Today's Z news

keep reality that he is only 10 months old.
I am so pleased with how it is all trying to blend in my life

there has been loss
there had been given times of great joy
trying to find that I am my own life

and the oddest gifts of understanding

when I look on and see

Z and the family that Amanda has found in Jordan.
The precious moments of laughter

a returned gift of love
from burning hearts I know
of friends and family

laughter

all I have to give
share
and show
and even receive

Thanks to be given

Oh my goodness... to wake up excited about traveling to my daughter's in laws!
I really LOVE my "in laws" of my daughter's family.
I have NEVER felt to welcomed and wanted by an extended family. I would love to get to know Sally even more I hope. Talking with her is soothing...and beside...we have a common love: Zephyr :)

imagine that

I also am pleased at my selfless /selfish choice last night. It was a VERY long day for me out for my first REAL event.

Amanda and Zephyr were supposed to spend the night with me last night. Amanda has not seen her son in a week because the Rainey Grandparents brought him back to let Amanda and Jordan focus for a bit in the new place. Amanda has to go to California again for a week on Monday.
I also tend to over exert when totally excited.
Hey friends... I even wore makeup. :)

Zephyr is very active now at crawling and looking around
and vocal about NOT getting what he wants.
Imagine that :)
He is attached more to Jordan because of exposure time.
Another reason for my decision.

Goodness it is HARD not to pick him up.
I now understand that lifting weight tends to compress newly abused bones :)

I think that i did best for me. I will get to see the kids on Saturday when they come over in the area. I am baby sitting their dog and it is nice for his company. He actually minds me and does not tug. Walking a dog again is rather nice :)
I even let Trouble sleep in my bed with me last night :)
(hehehe my sense of humor in that.)

I really wanted to have Amanda and Z here for Mom-Daughter-Grandson time.
Amanda felt so tired. Z was frustrated at the limits of his car rides.
I hurt because I could not sit still.

I told Amanda and Jordan that I love them greatly but that I felt it best that the family STAYED together at Sally and Jerry's home.
They were all situated and Z needed stability at the moment. Travel can be hard on a person. Amanda is getting to experience that lately. She is such a homebody and now she has to leave every other week.
Personally I would LOVE it if I had no attachments at home. I like change.

I cried when I got home...but I KNOW I did right.
I had a friend stop by after he was on his way home from his family. He sat and watched a movie with me which was REALLY awesome to have happen.
I felt like I was relaxed and not having to converse and no threats of DON'T pick up Zephyr.
:)
I heard from my niece via text message
I heard from my Daddy and Mary Lou by phone.
I left messages for Jason and I think he was out of range if he went to Matt's family again.

These "holidays" are hard at times for me.
HAVING to fit into what is commercialized and pressure oriented.

Life is changing dramatically for me.

I had the BEST TIME with my sister Annavee the other day.
She came over and took me grocery shopping..then came home and cooked all day for me while friends had come over to visit with me.
SOME OF THE BEST FOOD in a long time by family members now sit in my freezer.
I love Annavee and I thank her SO MUCH for the selflessness of her giving to me in a time of my needs with physical limitations...for now :)
My sister Jacque had me at her home for 2 days after the hospital. I don't remember too much except for trying to not move and sleeping a lot.
A sweet friend Tia has assisted with most of the care giving at first and driving me too and from.
My friend Linda has been by here everyday checking on me.
I have a neighbor Lee ...I do not know her but EVERYDAY at 10 am she made me lunch and brought it to my door..... EVERYDAY.
Thanks to all for the selfless giving of time.

I really had the best Thanksgiving because I KNOW I was wanted and thrilled to be there.
I always have a place at Sally and Jerry's for every holiday.
I have NO issue with that...beside

My apartment is too small for such wonderful family times.
My sisters have their extended families too.
Actually....ALL of my family does. Never thought of that before.
Jason and I are the only 2 singles in my family.

However

We are NOT the only ones and I give thanks for all of my family...extended, physical, and chosen.

me

me and my world at this moment

This is Jambalaya. I will probably call him Jamby.
He is a mix breed born on Nov 1 JUST before I left for the hospital. I look forward to his time becoming my companion. He is a sweet little thing.

THIS is what it looks like me working from my proper reclining position for now.

EGADS I hate to sit. HEY.... I need a recliner at work. Not an ergonomic upright.

and yes that is a sheepskin I rest upon

I'm working on it

Finally getting a feel for what I CANNOT do right now :)
DAMN do I feel it.
But it doesn't mean that I won't try again soon...but maybe in a different way.

All in all it is confortable now with a backrest loaned to me by the Poole family.
Working from home is a little rough at the time it takes for me to set up...but that will get a rhythym in time.

Thank you to all that visit cook clean help drive talk and type to me.
Correct. No commas. No periods. it seems to be all inclusive at times :)

I LOVE that my sense of humor is here again

• .Interesting Human Body Facts
• -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm
• -A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball
• - It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• -One human hair can support 3kg.
• - Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
• -The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
• -The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
• - A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• - If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
• - Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair
• -There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• - Side by side, 20,000 cells from the human body could cover about one inch.
• - Women blink twice as much as men.
• -The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
• - When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. . . . ..they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
• - It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.
• -You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
• -Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• - If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
• -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

You checked out the length of your thumb.. Didn't you?

A while ago but it brings GREAT fun to my mind

A wonderful sunny Sunday afternoon and friends being goofy.

08 25 2006

Miss ya Marty

It was the music and the laughter.....

ugh

i hate what I have just went through. Total FEAR.
i love that there is no pain however except the healing pains.

Amazing
latest picture of Zephyr!

He reminds me to taste everything in life. I may not like it all but taste it anyway!

I am getting there.

I know there is a lot I don't talk about to family or friends. I do love you all.

I have internet at home now because I have to work from home while I heal. same email as before :)

LOVE!

oh

and remember to taste ALL of life ;)

here I am

i still do not like hospitals

This place is nice however. As soon as I get to my sisters' home, I will write more.
At this time I am very very tired and keep fading too much to write.
Feel free to call me if you find you have time?

Later!

Circe

oh NO!!! but possibilities abound for afterwards

Surgery scheduled this 11/1, thursday, @ 6 am @ baylor in frisco. Lower
lumbar fushion and stablization of L5-S1. TTFN
wheeeeeee




not

lookiong forward to the relief though.


:-*

Log in from cell?

I would enjoy this.

it WAS my birthday when I read this email

Saturday, October 20, 2007



Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,

Happy Birrrrthday Dear Circe,

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!



A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Circe Vogel doesn’t come along all that often. In fact, there’s never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You’re an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.



Quite simply:



You’re the kind of person, Circe,

Who’s hard to forget,

A one-in-a-million

To the people you’ve met.

Your friends are as varied

As the places you go,

And they all want to tell you

In case you don’t know:

That you make a big difference

In the lives that you touch,

By taking so little

And giving so much!



Circe, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn’t know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of Birthdays and an exciting new year in time and space. You won’t be alone!



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Circe!



Mike
Orlando, Florida , USA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thant was nice from a stranger.
Interesting yes?

Life has had too many changes of late.
Dan no longer looks at me as a girlfriend and I am not sure avbout friends at all at this point.
All of you know me.
I look for the ones that make an effort to talk to me.
Avoidance can close doors fast.

THERE IT IS:
no calls : no contact : no response : I won't attempt to bother you again.

Friends make time to at least talk, right?
So I sit here wondering heavily about "friends"

I discovered that I have few REAL friends.
A lot of people I know.
I think I need to be very discerning from this point forward.
Yes I hurt at this loss.

more thna I have ever hurt before.
If this is what LOVE is about....thanks but no thanks.

Yes I am angry and yes I am FINALLY letting it go.

Other things...I am looking into surgery because of the insurance changing and I cannot afford to go through all of this again to have the deductible go higher at this time.

I loved every single call I got from my family.
I adored every single card I received.There are a few friends that came to see me.
Bob and Sharon came with dinner, groceries, and a very tiny perfectly made triple chocolate mousse caked for my birthday.
Only cake this year and it was PERFECT!
Tia came by.
Linda came by and assisted in my house work that I could not do at the moment.
My friend Shelley took me to a museum.
Brian came by for a little bit to introduce me to his girlfriend.
Bday with those friends was fantastic.

thank you to those who accept me as ME.
UNCONDITIONALLY

The rest of you?
dunno

sometimes I sits and thinks......

I get the most wonderful sense of peace when I just "sits and thinks". Times of holding my grandson as he sleeps are most comforting when I hurt so deeply and am confused.

I know I haven't been the best about my bills. I have gotten them down to not being very much in retrospect.
I found out today I have only 11 months left on a very long time car payment.
Yippee!
I applied for a part time job today. I also want to get my certification on massage therapy. So I am looking at school. A very specified school and it may take me a while to complete as I have to do evenings and work out the one weekend day I will have to attend all day on. That MAY make a possible part time employer not to easy to find. We will see about it.
I always get nervous about my bills. I always seem to cut it SO close. I am REALLY tired of it. I do not think I will ever make excellent money in the technology world.
I really don't know what I will be successful at.
One of the guys I work with made a statement to me today. He was telling his fiancé last night about something I had done. Or knew or something like that. She asked Randy If there was anything I COULD NOT do.
I replied of course there is. I don't choose to think that way though. I know I can overcome any roadblock. I can learn anything adn I really can go anywhere I choose.

I just wish what I really hoped for and love was where I was headed.
It isn't anymore.

Work is work.
Driving is driving.
Hold Zephyr is WONDERFULLY cheering.
Talking to my kids is a blessing each time I hear their voices.
With the daughter, son-in-law and grandson about to move to Austin, there really isn't much here for me to do but work. I go see my sisters occasionally but gas has gotten to expensive for that often. I go to see my Mother and Step-Dad but still gas is really expensive.
I have to do some maintenance on my truck that I cannot afford yet. I am dealing with a lot of medical bills right now that was unexpected ...COMPLETELY.

The doctor that injected my back said that the medication may last up to 6 weeks or a little more if I am lucky. I had an adjustment done at a community event and I have not had any pain since.... until this morning. Noticed a twinge but it is more than likely related to loss of sleep. All night I got only 2 hours sleep.
Events kept running through my head. I have to take some really heavy medication to sleep and it didn't even phase me last night. Or rather not long enough.

IF I manage to keep my place in Addison that will be wonderful. I like it. It's smaller than I have had before. But it is only me. Always only me.

Sometimes I wonder why.

Then decide it isn't worth the tears and I have to carry on.

sad sad sad

what was to be the greatest gift has turned to vapors.
I never learned I guess.

looking for new job and new place to live.
maybe a new state if successful.
I know I react emotionally.
I cannot stand the feelings in my heart at this time.
Relocating is the better option.


I guess.

There is a season... turn turn turn

oh my how time flys on by.

back from burning man (pictures to follow)



it has been 2 weeks already? it was a fantastic time!

Dan and I spent most the time walking around and talking together on our perspectives and discussing our life together in future events.



I did come back from the burn event with a very sore and stiff back. Unusually so.

I went to my GP and he sent me immediately to a orthopedic surgeon.
Now this kinda sucks a bit in my opinion. But then again I don't normally LIKE going to see doctors.
Imagine that.
SO...I ended up seeing 3 doctors in the span of 4 hours.
Dang it.
Got sent to have x-rays and then assigned to go have an MRI.
Darn it again.
SO...after x-ray it is clearly seen that I have and area that is a LOT closer than it should be in my spin.
MRI shows the same. (THAT was a painful hour of laying on my back in spasms.)
SUBJECT of next meeting? what to do with Circe
:)
Turns out HE believes it to be degenerative disk disease....with only 1 disk affected?
Hmmm. I know how many times I landed on my ass doing "something".
So I have a collapsed disk at L5-S1.
HOPEFULLY on 9/24/07 @ 2:30 PM the doc will inject my spine with cortisone and it will solve the issue.
OR at least deaden the pain so I can work on therapy exercises to get things into a proper line up.
If not..... then maybe a second one....and if that fails, then the 2nd doc is wanting to fuse the vertebrae.
dang it...... VERY disappointed and hurting right now.

BUT

Burning man was fantastic!
My grandson is growing.
My daughter has been offered a global position with Whole Foods Market.
My son is happy in Florida.
My niece is dating a really NICE guy right now!
Myschevia is coming! A much smaller regional burn that I have gone to since the first one 3 years ago in Cisco.
This has been moved to East Texas now in Hughes Springs. BEAUTIFUL area!

Dan, Sean and I drove up there this weekend to have the boys set up a GP MEDIUM tent. This is a HUGE army tent that is 16'x30'. Amazing how it goes up!
I watched and took pictures while all the people set it up.
10 people: less than an hour and a half to complete.
AMAZING!
Dan tells me it takes 4 to set it up in 2 hours in the army. It took us 10 :)

I am slowly moving a few things here and there down to Dan's (and soon to be mine) place in South Dallas. We are actually just south of Downtown.

Yes, MaryLou... there are pets.
Lucky, the black cat born on a Friday the 13th, is 14.
Zoe, the dog, is 5.
There are DARLINGS.

I hurt guys so I am signing off. Today is the injection. I am sure that I will be online tomorrow with tales of adventure!

Kisses to all.

Diggin' my life!

oh how WONDERFUL it is becoming!

I have been really busy with the job. Changed shifts again and am back to 6AM-3PM M-F. I truly like the early shift.

I get to watch Zephyr on Friday nights until Saturday afternoons now. I talk to Jason every other day now, too! Chandra just had a birthday and she went SKYDIVING!

omg it was FUN to watch! Wish I could do that, too... one day I will. :)



So what is new with me?



Going to Burning Man with Dan from August 28 until September 4th. Our first vacation together.

After we return....



I am moving in with Dan.

I am excited and very much in love with him. We have been dating for just over 1.5 years now.

Learning a lot and so is he..... No fair if my family for giving him clues about me.

We are learning and enjoying it! Both of us enjoy camping and backpacking. I am trying to get him to go mountainbike riding and climbing with me soon.

So far...that is all at this time.

More later when I have my computer working again :)

What's going on?

ahhhh LIFE!
Well my dears, Dan and I are discussing a lot of things.
Going to the BIG burn.... Burning Man 2007, Myschevia (which is a regional burn event) and

Moving in together around next August into a house.

I have been a busy girl at work. Being a team lead is interesting also.
Decided we needed some fun and my team are as crazy as I am!

I decided to have a team building event (wicked laughter comes this way) and was challenged , accepted and WON!
All of my team has now gotten different looks than they had when they arrived ;)
I dyed my and my teams hair!






no pictures of Jim and Darling though!
They are a good group. Even got another person to do the hair deal...she is an awesome girl named Jill and is a Level 3 technician. I had a blast!

I wil admit that some things have been difficult.
I got my second speeding ticket in my life the other day. DARN IT.
Will get that handled in a couple of weeks. Learning how to manage money...stopped smoking , lost weight, and am finally breathing better now.

Zephyr is SUCH a sweetheart. I love having him spend the nights with me on Sunday and Monday nights. Okay...it helps ME in not having to be up at 5 am to go to Amanda's home to babysit :)

Chandra has been taking him over when it is time for Dan and I to go to work.
I am either at my house or at Dan's of late.
Cell phone travels well!

I talk to my sisters occasionally. I talk to my mom occasionally. I work too dang much though. Have several massage clients that I see of late.
Maybe thinking of changing my career again :)
Always something with me, huh?

I had so much fun when Dan and I went to flipside. I love to camp and it rained a lot! Had so much fun with many friends I have not seen in a year. It was fun taking Dan's friend Aaron, too. Aaron's cousin was there too and she was so nice to meet. We danced in the rain and at the campfires.

My house is comfortable and I have started spending more time there.
I talk to Daddy occasionaly and he and Mary Lou have been traveling of late.
My step nephews are ALL getting SO big!
Austin and Matthew and Jordan all live in Washington state with them.
I need to get new pictures from Daddy and Mary Lou to post. (hint hint)

I worry about Amanda occasionally. She has been so tired and starting to go through post partum GAK. That is one reason I take Z a couple of nights a week.

Jason seems to be doing well in Florida! I am REALLY proud of his changes in his attitudes adn his productivity in his job and searching for school funding.
WAY TO GO MY SON!

I went and talked to Stephen and Toni not to long ago. Had a great visit and surprised them with Zephyr being with me. I really did enjoy my visit.


That's all for now guys!
LOVE

thoughts of happiness

There has been SO much happening of late.

I went to FLIPSIDE REGIONAL BURN this past weekend. Had a total blast with all the rain, the clouds, the lightening, the sunshine, and of course MANY people I have not seen in a couple of years!

I am settled into my new apartment. Still do not spend much time there :)

I am either at work, clients homes, Dan's home, babysitting my grandson Zephyr (Gosh he is so CUTE!!!!) or out hauling my bike around and camping.

Dan and I took a little trip to Caddo Lake State Park last month. BEAUTIFUL! We didn't get eaten up to much by the misquito's either!

We did stop in and had Easter Dinner with Dan's family. I really enjoyed the visit adn seeing my sweetheart interact with his family. I was giggling a LOT.

I am placing a pic of Z that Amanda sent to me:

Zephyr has rubber duckies!

he is getting pretty big too!

Cutting in his eye teeth at the moment (so he is a little fussy at times).

Wearing 9 month old clothes and they are getting small!

He is turning over adn giggles a lot. He also weaves his toes together a bunch!

Well It is time for me to sign off at the moment.

It is a short post: but trust me I am really very very happy.

I miss my son tremendously though.

I did get to visit with Stephen adn Toni recently. It was a really good visit and I surprised them by bringing Zephyr with me :)

Toni is not well and Stephen is worried about her.

I like having the oppportunity to talk with them in comfort and peace.

More soon. My computer is being revamped!

Life is really wonderful and I am loving it all!

zunzhine on my zhoulder....

The Z.
My grandson Zephyr. It is the ODDEST thing in my life in how attached I am to him.

I don't want to raise him...but I get to enjoy him.

The Z...My little z. Zephyr, zeph, my little cuddly bear.

Sunshine in the scent of you as I am holding you. I so totally enjoy the feeling of hugs. You are so accepting at this stage.
Amazingly it is I that is accepting.
I know things this time. I have experience.
I also have humor at the situations that develop around you.
Your mom and dad are really special to me. So is your uncle. There are times that I look at you and I can finally remember the times I thought I had missed with your mom.
Zunzhine occurs when you gak on me. I don't mind ... at times.
The wonder of watching you sleep and the amazement at seeing the rem sleep functions. how busy is that mind of yours?
These are thoughts I had of Amanda and Jason when they were babies.
I don't HAVE to do things for you. I want to do things with you.

I came to your house today to watch you for a little while.
What do I do?
Wake you up. :)

What else are grandmothers for?

Play
Laughter
Adventure
Love

I got a LOT to show you Z!

it's been a month

Since Leslie died.
It's been very weird in my head....yet calm.

It's been a month since I really lived in my apartment...or rather since I moved into it :)

It's been a month since I worked out consistantly and I am not happy with that.

I have a lot to process right now. Changes coming into my life and I need to be ready to adapt.
I wonder if I am really willing to face the negatives of myself completely. Can I face the positives as well?

moments

There are moments in time that you just want to sigh.

Holding my grandson (no matter if he sleeps or is spitting up on me)
Sitting and talking with friends (couch cuddlers every one of you!)
Walking at night with a friend and holding hands.
Stopping and looking at the stars (even if there are massive clouds that hide most of them)
Waking up and stretching under warm cozy clean sheets
Having your boyfriend take the time to rub your shoulders or scratch your back
Listening to your daughter worry about being a 'good mother' (you have no option, Amanda) =)
Listen to the excitement of your sons voice on his first ALL ON HIS OWN car purchase
PAID IN FULL!
Listening to you niece as she works out issues in her head and then says she wants "Circe Time"
Hearing that your son in law appreciates it when you take the baby so they can sleep :)
Getting to chat with friends on line
Remembering past events
Talking to my mother
Talking to my dad
Hugging my sisters
Riding my bike
Walking among the trees
Cooking dinner
Trying to figure out my computer needs...yes they continue to grow!
Hearing that a girlfriend has made a major decision in her life and she is EXCITED!
Hearing of a friend healing after a major health issue
Talking with friends that I thought were gone forever
Listening
Dancing
Laughing
Singing because I feel like it all the time now.


Moments that are full, pleasing and sometimes overly busy


All are moments of sighs of happiness.

The best is spending time with my loved ones.
EACH OF YOU.
I could never handle all that love at one time.

Living and taking my moments of sighs into peaceful easy dreams.

Moments that will make pages in a wonderful book titled

Circe's Joy

sometimes

I wander around looking at the faces of people. Sometimes they look lost. Some are sad, others are just distant.
I wonder if they realize that the ability to look at LIFE is as simple as it feels. You walk around with your eyes open and a smile on your face.
The creation of joy first starts with a thought. The creation of pain starts with a thought...or a perception.
Mostly when things are not occurring the way I THINK they need to occur.
Yes, I still get scared and nervous at times. That is why I smile.
People relax when a smile lights upon their mental recognition.
Dancing is a body smiling.

To look into the eyes of my grandson I see the world totally new again.
I smile because it is a new vision I want him to REMEMBER throughout his life.
I see the picture above of my grandson and his Daddy (Jordan is AWESOME!)
I see the look on Amanda's face when she looks at Zephyr.
I remember that it starts here.

I want to end my days knowing I never stopped smiling and never stopped being a child in heart.

interesting insight

A person I work with smiled at me today and said he was glad I was here.
Here
That is an amazing thing at the moment.
I look into the past and see the times that I could have not been here.
Living a human life has its endings too.
Here
Time transfers all feelings into a mental status.
Rememberance
I remember a lot of events. They all have my own perceptions of what occured however.
There are facts that are related to articles that became written.
Someone elses perceptions of that time.

Dance tonight in celebration of the moment.
Sing tonight in joy of just being you.

I read a lot of what is said about upcoming events.
I pick and choose my experiences.
I am delighted with them ALL.

A dear one of mine did what I aspire to do.
Speak no ill of anyone.
I cannot judge what is right or wrong from their perception.
I can explicate my own self and ideas.

Solitude can be painful. We as humans exsist in a world. Not on an island bereft of contact.
Pain lessens when you interact with others. No comparison will suffice. Each is unique in themselves.

There have been mentionings of issues with a couple of burners and myself.
I harbor no ill.

I do make my choices on my interactions however.
I contact a lot of people in the burning community adn outside of it.

I once described to a friend that I had several different groups I was involved with. Sometimes the worlds do not mingle well. It isn't my choice to have them segregated. It is necessary for the balance of those I would choose to intermingle however.
Some have ego's that are easily injured.
Some have ego's that are as thick as 4 ft leather left outside to harden.

I was only hear for a short span of time in this life.
I am enjoying it as it is.

Love is a tremendous thing when you do not put conditions on it.

THIS IS NOT MEANT TO SUSTAIN ANY PARTICULAR RELIGION OR BELIEF:
I liked it a lot though and thought I would share it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a blind girl who hated herself because of her blindness.
Not only did she hate herself but she hated everyone else, except
her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if
she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could
see everything, including her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, will you
marry me?" The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was
blind too, and refused to marry him.
I found this to be very poignant and really made me think. My hope
is that it will bless each of you. Doe Her boyfriend walked
away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her that simply said.
"Just take care of my eyes dear."

This is how the human brain changes when our status changes.
Only a few remember what life was like before
and even fewer remember who to thank for always being there even
when times were painfully unbearable.

Life Is a Gift

Today before you think of saying an unkind word - Think of someone
who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone
who Has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone
who's crying out to God for a companion.

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too
Early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who
desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house, someone didn't clean or
sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who
walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the
unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another -
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one
maker.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on
your Face and thank God you're alive and still around.

Life is a gift, live it, enjoy it, celebrate it, and fulfill it.

RELISH THE MOMENT, IT MAY NOT COME AROUND AGAIN.

Be Blessed


Love to all!
Circe

Leslie Glenn Bavousett 11/8/1956 - 2/19/2007

He was my heart. My love, my friend of my teen years, my coming of age, and throughout my life.
I met Leslie when I was 15 and started attending High School in Keller. It took me a week of stopping in at Food Fare (grocery store he worked at - a dairy stocker at that) to get the courage to ask him if he was going to the Sock Hop the school was holding. I "slyly" told him I wanted to go but didn't know anyone yet.
He shyly grinned and quietly told me he had some people he was going with but he could pick me up to get me there if I wanted. I was thrilled to the end of my toes!
I thought he was so wonderful with those beautiful blue eyes and that thick golden blond hair. Leslie had a wicked sense of humor and laughed. A sweet man.
I learned so much with Leslie. He and I were our first for each other.

We were together at his last breath this morning at 10:45 AM.

I remember him and Bob Right chasing the girls around the halls at school with their overalls one. They would put their finger out the fly and chase the girls wiggling the finger and telling them that they were "coming for them!". He was a gentle practical joker. He had some very deep feelings that we would talk about and cry over.
Hours of talk. Hours of dreams. Hours of dancing, just us two. Under the stars we would lay on top of our cars until my Mom would 'flicker the porch light' as a signal to come in. A fast but lingering kiss and I would slide of the hood and sashay my butt inside. He would always whistle at me as I walked.
I would sneak him into my house after all went to sleep and we would curl up in my bed kissing and cuddling and talking for hours.
Until the sunlight started peaking in the sky. The he would quietly (as a souped up Grand Torino could be) drive away.
Other nights I would sneak into his bedroom window and we would lay in his bed with the music playing and kiss and cuddle until the sunlight would start to lighten the sky and then I would leave as quietly as a souped up GTO could.

We never fooled anyone :)

There is so much about Les that I find dances in my memories. He was the ONE Love that all girls dream of.
I was lucky to have him in my heart and in my life.
I was not brave enough to always include him totally.

This is the hardest thing that I have EVER done in my life.

Youth presents so many choices. There are paths that we take thinking it is what must be done.

I became so impatient in waiting. I never was good about that. I think I have learned though in a few areas. Leslie was a man about the details. A CPA and a fine one at that. He was always patient and tender.

I listened to tears of pain and of joy with him. He was the father of my first pregnancy just before I turned 18. We agreed to abort the pregnancy. I found out it was twins and I believe they were boys in my heart.
2 days before I turned 18 we ended the pregnancy. A choice we talked long and hard about. It was not easy. Les was so very supportive and protective of me in the gentlest of ways.
He was so upset that I carried in my Father's luggage the day after the procedure. I was not to do anything but I was hiding what had happened from my Dad. The night of my 18th birthday party I was in my room on my bed hurting and crying. A family friend came downstairs to see why I was missing. He tried to 'bounce me ' out of bed and I thought Les was going to kill the man. He shoved Dennis clear across my bedroom and told him to leave in a dangerously quiet voice. I never had fear concerning Les, until that moment. He could have killed Dennis for causing me more pain. Dennis didn't know and he 'bounced me' by pushing on my stomach. Like trying to wake a child. He didn't know.
My Momma knew what had been done but was following our wishes of silence.

I told Leslie's brother, Ferris, of the pregnancy in Sunday afternoon. I was getting ready to take Zephyr (my grandson) back to his mother and was returning the next day to spend the last hours of Leslie's life with him uninterrupted.
Ferris asked me why we never married and I told him. It was a misconception of a belief on my part. Leslie, Byron and Ferris' dad had told me to "leave Les alone.
That I was not good enough for him."
I shoved my fist through a tiled wall that day. I worked at Dairy Queen and I went into the bathroom and punched a hole through a 2x4 wooden stud and tiled wall. I paid dearly for that heart break. the broken knuckle I never had fixed and I worked with it. I paid to have the wall repaired.

I moved on and stole as much time as I could with Les.
He moved to Waco after graduation. He was Valedictorian and I was SO proud of him!

There is so much about Les that I love. Loved. Forever will love.
I cannot write it all at this time.
I have to remember first.
It is all mixed up at this time.
We always danced together. With and without music. We would sing together.
I practiced writing my name as his wife.
I have all of his letters still.

I felt abandoned and left behind.
It was all my young impatience that caused the worries instead of my trust that he was doing the best he knew how and in the proper way he thought would benefit us both.

Life has a way of working things to be the best.
I met Stephen and loved him too.
I chose to marry Stephen and thus I have the greatest gifts of my life.
Amanda and Jason.

Les has always been there through it all.
We talked of trying to be together after I divorced.
I would not move to Austin.
I wanted my kids to be near their father. I did what I felt was best for them.
All parents do that, I believe. At least I tried to believe it.
Stephen is a wonderful father and now we have a grandson.
Zephyr Hendrix has a purpose in life.

Stephen is happy in his second marriage.
I do not intend to ever marry again.

I miss Leslie deeply and with all my heart.
I have loved him totally all these 32 years.

His brothers told me he NEVER stopped loving me. Even through two "awful marriages" and divorces. The say he NEVER spoke ill of me.

I have never stopped nor ever will stop loving Les.

Sometimes in life you do not get to be with your one true love.
There are many loves in life however.
Because of Leslie I learned that I am and was worth loving.

I sang to him, I held him, I kissed him as his last breath left his body. I saw his eyes go out as his soul left.
Last night I felt and went through his dreams with him. I told him I was staying the night with him and I would not leave him.
He sat up in bed, opened his eyes wide, looked directly into mine and said loudly "YES". Leslie has not been to talk or sit up for a couple of weeks now.

He sat up on Sunday to look at my grandson while I changed his diaper. He wanted to meet Zephyr. He had talked with my children through the years. He had visited us and stayed with me.

I cannot think of all the things I want to write about.
I am glad I was there at the beginning and at the end of his life.
I will be busy writing more of him.

Right now I am helping by locating pictures I can share of Les with his family.
The viewing is on Wednesday. The funeral for his body is on Thursday.

Les is not gone. He lives in my heart. He lives in my dreams and in my memories.

It is not often that one has a life love that they share.
We could not be together in life. We are always together in heart and soul.

His brothers told me I was his Redheaded Flame.
He was my Golden Sun with the Sky in his eyes.

This is something we always called each other.

Leslie Glenn Bavousett, I love you. I am glad your body is at rest and that your pain has ceased.

I was there to hold you to your freedom.
You are welcome to walk into my window anytime you want.

Thank you for all you were and are at this time.

Perfectly Spiritual and Forever My Golden Sun with the Sky.

an amazing thing this Valentine's Day is....

I had my FIRST valentine gift when my exhusband and I delivered our daughter on Feb 16, 1982. A gift worth waiting for.
I had my SECOND Valentine gift from my exhusband and I delivered our son on Feb 17, 1983. A gift worth waiting for again.
My third Valentine gift was my grandson that I din't have to deliver NOR did I have to wait to receive this gift.
Zephyr (as all know) was born on January 9th.
He is JUST over a month old for this valentine's day (yes a Hallmark made holiday in the US)





This year after being divorced for almost 12 years..I also have a boyfriend!
Well not a boy at all :)
His name is Dan. I am really very comfortable with him and we talk a lot. He and I can be very honest with each other and I do love him. I think I am beginning to understand what love really is (the kind that is NOT family).

Time is flying by.
Soon...more pictures because I am babysitting Zephyr tonight!
what a valentine's gift I can give! LOL
I called both my kids today and my special niecy!
I did call my Momma too.

I will make more calls tonight to talk to those I could not reach while I was at work.

LOVE!!!!

ZIP boom BANG!

How fast can life take over?
In the blink of an eye...mostly your children's eyes :)
Where do I start?
Certainly NOT from the beginning!
I moved (or STARTED moving) on 1/12/07.
Still have not finished.
I stayed in the hospital with Amanda on the night of the 12th for Jordan to be able to work. I think I have stayed a TOTAL of 3 nights in my new home :)
Today is the 25th!
OMG time flies like a PIG with WINGS! LOL

I have a very good relationship occuring. We both agree that having seperate spaces is REALLY important to each of us.
I have a new grandson and I don't want to interfer with the kids learning (but it is nice to know they need me occasionally).
I have lost my bestest friend due to growth in self.
I am loving the man I am involved with.
I had a good visit with my youngest child (Jason) that I wish I had taken vacation for. Maybe I can go see him soon.
I am trying to deal with the comming death of the oldest friend I have ever had. I want to call him and get him over to me. I WANT to take a few days off to do so though. I have a new job position and have discovered my days off have changed (grrrr that I was not happy with) but I like the raise in pay :)

I spend too much time running around. I want to organize my home
I have bills to take care of and am TRYING to find my "box o fun".

I no longer smoke, have lost almost 100 lbs, stay pretty active working out (although of LATE it is every other day when I stay at "the Man's home" and we work out together in the AM).
I stopped drinking.... well I had a glass of wine the first night I stayed in my home and Elaine was visiting. I love my best friend BriBri...and adore his company.
I have cooked my first meal in my new home for BriBri, Linda, and Elaine.
I have washed SEVERAL loads of laundry (Baby Gear!) and taken 2 showers there.

See what I mean?
I miss my friends.
I will slow down soon (like this weekend) and finish up moving adn loading my new place.
I need shelves for my pantry adn I want to locate an inexpensive kitchen island so I can store cookware and have counterspace to use.
I need a coffee pot since Mark adn Marty decided mine was no good and threw it away.
I allowed that to happen and I am PISSED about it.

There was a lot of trauma that occured when Mark became a roommate. I like the man when he is on his own. I did not willingly submit to someones opinion of WHAT I was because I know WHO I AM.

I was so saddend by hearing my bestest friend did not WANT me at his party that I was trying to get to.
That may have been why my truck was not returned in time for me to attend the party in my old home.

I once liked and trusted Mark but never will again. I watched him display characteristics that rememinded me so much of an old life that it scared the hell out of me and I could not stand being at home. I really loved that house when Marty, Tracy and I rented it.
Sad to lose it.
Maybe when Mark vacates it I will rent it again.
I told the old landlord that too.

There has been MUCH to deal with emotionally but I feel very purposefull and pleased.

I DO want to thank Mark for showing me that I REALLY wanted to live alone for the FIRST time in my life. I need it.

Soon there will be lots of pictures to post of my grandson. As soon as I get the situation straightened out about my ISP provider.

Damn credit fraud reports :)
Keep you safe...but MAN if it isn't updated you are SCREWED!

LOL
It is ALL good.

Talk to you laters!

Let's see....

Realization hits me this morning with an attitude of :
I am doing what is right for ME finally.
I am in the processes of moving out of a home I thought I would love to be in for a long time.
Unfortunately there were circumstances that have made me realize I needed to be on my own and not have roommates. I love being around people. I need mental space and it was becoming invaded by how others thought I needed to behave and deal with my life. These men (my soon to be ex roommates) are not my father. I moved away from home at 18.

Now I am not one for being stubborn or telling people how to live.
I am pissed at this time.

Unfortunately I am dealing with a bunch of anger that is cold and waiting for a reheat in a pot.
I HAVE priorities. I am a mother that has been doing a lot. I have my daughter with a newborn and her dealing with her husband being ill JUST after her C-Section.
I HAVE a move that I cannot complete in someone else's expectation.
I have a full time job PLUS a second job.
My son is in town visiting.
I have my bestest friend that is moving to another country and he is having an attitude about wanting the hell out of this country.
I have my longest time friend dying of cancer right now and I have not even had time to call and talk to him this week.

Marty wants to be in a different space and so do I. I adore him and love him like a brother. I am going to miss him terribly.

I have (and soon will NOT have) another roommate that is rather domineering. He is impatient and I am not into being bullied. Been there. DONE with it. HE is the reason I am moving /and half moved / out!
Marty asked me why I did not tell him that he needed to act differently with me. "help him change". Damn it I am trying to CHANGE ME and do not want to help ANYONE to change anymore.

I gather today that when I go over to the old house to get a few more things out that I will have a confrontation. I am not looking forward to it at all.
I will be able to deal with it though.

So this was MY bitch session.

another day

There were no pictures last night from my camera. Amanda adn Jordan were adapting to their son on his second day. I have chosen to share a few other pics from his FIRST day.
Look at those wonerful ears! Look at those wonderfully long toes!
Soon...a MOVIE!

Zephyr Hendrix Rainey

Zephyr

I will post some pictures later!
ON MY WAY TO THE HOSPITAL !!!!!


WHOOO HOO!!

HE HAD A REALLY HARD TIME THIS WEEK AT MD ANDERSON.

My friend Leslie.
He has the cancer now in his lungs. THe prognosis is he has 4 months. He will start chemo up here in FT Worth. He has to give himself shots of blood thinners for the clots in his legs and lungs. He has all new medications.
It is very possible that the chemo will accelerate the cancer or kill him before the cancer does.

I have Ferris' cell number and will be called by Les to come get him to start his round of visits to my family.

HE kept saying this is really bad....

I am scared.


I have known Les since I was 15.
He was my first Love and still resides in my heart.

mispelling corrected :)

Zephyr Hendrix Rainey Zephyr Hendrix Rainey
Zephyr Hendrix Rainey Zephyr Hendrix Rainey
Zephyr Hendrix Rainey Zephyr Hendrix Rainey
Zephyr Hendrix Rainey Zephyr Hendrix Rainey
Zephyr Hendrix Rainey Zephyr Hendrix Rainey

Happy now Amanda?

ROTFLMAO

Kisses babies....

GranMommie

Zephyr Hendrix Rainey arrival date!

Amanda is scheduled for C Section on Jan 9th at noon. She is being admitted at 10 AM.

Zephyrs head is bigger than her cervix (9.5 CM head size) can handle.

He weighs 8.4 at this time! He will be about 9.2 pounds at birth.

Doc says he is so big that they could not get a good view of him! Amanda said the Sonogram Technicians eyes would not go back into her head.


LOL

Zephyr Henrix Rainey arrival date!

Amanda is scheduled for C Section on Jan 9th at noon. She is being admitted at 10 AM.

Zephyrs head is bigger than her cervix (9.5 CM head size) can handle.

He weighs 8.4 at this time! He will be about 9.2 pounds at birth.

Doc says he is so big that they could not get a good view of him! Amanda said the Sonogram Technicians eyes would not go back into her head.


LOL

Zephyr Henrix Rainey arrival date!

Amanda is scheduled for C Section on Jan 9th at noon. She is being admitted at 10 AM.

Zephyrs head is bigger than her cervix (9.5 CM head size) can handle.

He weighs 8.4 at this time! He will be about 9.2 pounds at birth.

Doc says he is so big that they could not get a good view of him! Amanda said the Sonogram Technicians eyes would not go back into her head.


LOL

WHO HOO! My son will be coming for a visit!

January 13th. The day I move to my new home! Jason is coming for a visit to see his nephew (hopefully before he has to return) and will be my first house guest!

Also have heard that Chris and Zak will be here starting the 3rd. I really miss you kids!
The great part of this year is family and friends.
I am really excited :)

I will be starting to pack this week.
Any assistance will be GREATLY enjoyed!