A newness ARRIVES!

Waiting so long to find myself. My Momma always told me to "get to know CIRCE cause she is someone you're gonna love!"
She is and was correct.
I have discovered some hard truths about myself and am discovering how to balance all of me.
There is excitement at the charge I finally feel in heart. A realization of WHO I PERCEIVE me to be and I love the Dance of Life.
I know where I want to go in my career and my ability to be only responsible for me. I know I have a lot to teach but I still have much to learn.

The first of the year is traditonally the start of new projects. I look at it as the physical reality of what I have been mentally accessing and intergrating into my conscience side. Not always seeing the pitfalls but seeing my goal reached. School will be expensive but it is what I choose to do. I have always told my kids that the best education is what they pay for themselves. They will value the accomplishment more and it will be what THEY choose it to be. I only want to see them complete their goals.

SO...


I am doing this for me, also. I tell it and I can live it.

Newness is here in my perceptions also. There is no anger or blame. There is only my regocnition of what is right for me and my choice is mine alone. Just like everyone elses.
I love you all and know that who I am is as valued as who I was.
I like being a Grandmother. It will be nice to have a child around that plays and can see the world in newness, too.

I value each of you for all of my evolution.

Happy Newness to you all.

conversations with a pregnant daughter :)

[09:34] CRAVogel: Amanda..PLEASE push Zephyr out now?
[09:35] elementalbella: you don't think I haven't been trying?
[09:35] CRAVogel: Adam is having his baby today adn Ahnah was due at the same time you were
[09:35] CRAVogel: LOL
[09:35] elementalbella: NOT FAIR
[09:35] CRAVogel: go walking dear
[09:35] CRAVogel: lots of stairs
[09:35] elementalbella: screw that, I'm doing jumping jacks on the stair well!
[09:35] elementalbella: ;)
[09:36] CRAVogel: I love you
[09:36] elementalbella: love you too
[09:36] CRAVogel: you have just made my co workers laugh
[09:36] elementalbella: ha
[09:37] elementalbella: seriously though...I'm taking Trouble on a walk, er jog...oh...maybe a long distance waddle-dash!
[09:38] CRAVogel: lol
[09:38] CRAVogel: you will do well then
[09:38] elementalbella: maybe I'll bunjee jump...
[09:39] CRAVogel: nah
[09:39] CRAVogel: Baby will not bounce
[09:39] CRAVogel: I promise
[09:39] elementalbella: that'll jerk him out
[09:39] elementalbella: he'll have his own cord too :)
[09:39] elementalbella: it'll be like a Russian layer doll
[09:39] CRAVogel: you are too funny

New home!

I WAS APPROVED FOR A NEW APARTMENT!

I move Jan 13, 2006

I will send out emails soon with the new address. I am excited and looking forward to my privacy. NO need to worry about helping my movement my friends. (that is to those that would assist and care enough to be involved) UMOVEFREE.COM will be moving me :)

It is all good.
I will give all an update when I find out about the new position for my job or if I decide to accept an offer from 1 of 2 companies that have contacted me.

From bad news to unexpected excitement news.

Wow.

a new home comming

Never have I lived alone for long.
A total of 6 months (not congruently either) throughout my 47 years.

I put in an application for a home of my own today. Well, and apartment at least.
1st floor apartment so my friends that cannot walk well can come to see it.
I have clients that cannot climb stairs so they will be able to see me also (or I can travel to you still like I always do). 1st floor so that my sisters can come also.

I will not be far from my daughter so I can help out with my grandson, Zephyr. The kids can come over and wash their clothes and visit me when they wish. I am scared, but excited also.
IF everything goes well I will be moving on Jan 13, 2007. I get to pick Jason up from the airport on that day, too!

My grandson is "expected" to arrive on the 15th (but I think he will be a bit earlier than that date ;) so get ready!

I love this house I am in, but the needs of my soul are requiring quiet and peace. There is not that here. The new apartment is in a quiet area. Not too new so it isn't outrageous in costs.
Got a good deal and the move is through UMOVEFREE.COM which I thought was awesome.

I have had lots of messages of late and all are delivered to me in odd ways.

I wanted a place nearer my daughter (like IN the same complex) but they only have 4 apartments with W/D connections. I want my W/D :). It isn't that far from Amanda at all. I can easily go and pick her up when she needs and I will travel to their home to watch Zephyr when needed. That way the baby isn't stressed and the kids don't have to "pack the world" to go see GranMommie (I am going to teach him that this is my name to be called by) and play. It will be different.
I look forward to being able to play with their animals when I want to.

I am excited.

First step of MY life. MINE. I am only responsible for me and no back-ups to depend on. About time.

I had wanted to live downtown and looked at a LOT of places.
I need trees. I need a walking area of green.
I need to be near Amanda and Jordan. The timing on babysitting is going to be such that it will be a trade off with Amanda.

I have been tolda I can paint the walls to my hearts content and when (OR IF) I move out they will give me the free paint to return it to rights.
I will not have a pet for a while. Maybe not at all. I have to learn to take care of me first.

It sometimes does not make sense on how I do things (according to family) but this is a NEED TO DO FOR ME.
ONLY me.

I have been very stressed of late with all that has occured.
I am tired of having to account to others for my actions.
I do not live under my parent's home anymore and do not enjoy being treated as such. I keep hearing old tapes playing in my head. Old reactions and frustrations of not being able to have someone understand where I am trying to get to.

My niece is going to go over my budget with me (she was a banker for a while) and I am enthused by what she has done in her management of funds.

Time to be on my own.

borrowed

I believe -
. . . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.




remember,
I do love you all.

paradox it seems

This is the stage my Grandson-2-be is at.
Life begins

My longest known friend finds out a time line for himself tomorrow. He has advanced pancreatic and liver cancer that he found out about on Friday, Dec 1, 2006. He had just turned 50.
Life processes and preparation.


I had a friend die today. He was 24, whom I thought was 31 for some reason, and a really nice man. Very family oriented and loving to them. I learned some things and will miss getting to know him more.
Life ended.


My first cousin Rory, single father of four and dealing with Khrons disease (advanced) came home from the VA hospital today to find his home burned to the ground and everything is lost. Including meds. (the twin boys are also on medication for the rest of their life)
No home insurance either.

I am concerned.

Life has a bunch of twists in it.

Faith in processes being what they need to be and by a higher design than what the human can accept.

I am trying to understand this timing.

What Tarot Card are You?

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

how funny is that?
awefully funny if you ask me.

HA!
Princess Amanda, an Empress beats a Princess anytime!
ROTFLMAO

there are distances occuring

and it seems that things have taken a turn for negativity in my interactions with others. I am withdrawing from almost everyone I know at this time. Please be aware it is for MY good to heal.
I have several changes taking effect

Decide if I WILL be able to keep my home where I live.
Marty is moving to Korea and swears he doesn't know who I am anymore. Ask the freaking questions Marty! DO NOT depend on me telling you where I am mentally.

Mark will be very flexible when his mother pases on. He may choose to travel. Seems like that is his desire at this time.

Chandra is independant. I adore my niece and enjoy living with her. I WIll miss her when she chooses to be on her own again.

So here it is folks. Honesty.
No money because of stupid assed decisions.
I had to borrow for my rent. This sucks. I am very capable of living with a very little amount. That may become extremely necessary. My truck is a good amount of room.

This is NOT a threat of actions (to my family) but a realization the I have attempted to help those that needed it when they did not need my help.
I allowed abuse in efforts to feel worthy.


So fuck them all.


I have been by them all that asked for help...favors...needs...
I give way to much. So much that I cannot do for myself.

A little magic and perserverance (magic = meaning my mental faith in myself) should do the trick.

To all that read this:
No Christmas or gifts. Count it wonderful if I can afford to send you a card with well wishes for you and yours.


Later

most recent pictures of me

Music

Dancing at will when the sounds hit my skin....
spinning the wheels of mind and matter.
I came upon a moment so still that movement became thunder.
Freely I moved with my heart and ears.
Twisting to sounds and filling with laughter.

Silence became and stillness was moments later.
Carried in mind and wheeled away.
Spinning to a frozen moment in time.

Remembered.

@}-- Circe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I cannot sit still and not move to music. I went to work out with a girlfriend, Regina, tonight. It was a blast!
Worked on the stationary bikes tonight. Regina has hurt her foot and we didn't want to stress that (so like a bicycle is smart?) I got to use my iPod for the first time in a god and easy manner.
:)
Yep, it has come to pass that I was a receiver of an iPod.
I am so totally spoiled. LOVE IT! (borrowed phrase from my niece, Chandra)

It took riding a stationary bike to a new dimension. I freaking ROCKED on it! never felt bored or wanting to stop.
It was WONDERFUL!
I ended up practicing belly dancing on it too :)
Imagine pedaling as fast and hard as you can and wiggle at the same time.
It's like playing twister on wheels...a unicycle at that! :)~~
I had a blast listening to MY music and feeling it and feeling myself breathing easily. It has been a long time since I have been able to do that. I am glad my office had the membership drive. I had a membership already but found out I have a really nice plan!
A great thing considering I wanted to really get busy and get the last of this weight off.
It has been a long slow path but I think it is the best.
I don't have that far to go now. :)

It was fun looking at Regina and the slight competitiveness we had was fun. Then we each zoned into ourselves but knew the other was there too. I seldom do things with girlfriends. I have so very few of them. I tend to have a lot of male friends. Maybe because of the sports I like to do or because I am more active than a lot of women that I do know. (At my age, sweethearts)
It just was fun tonight. I want to do this more often. Regina and I plan on it.
It would be wonderful if I could get Kassy to join in. She has been trying a new career path and WOW is she gonna have fun with it! I wonder if Antje would join in on this?
I know...it is in a gym. But the variety of equipment for isolation of particular muscle groups while not causing injury to damaged tendons is tremendous. I think I need to call Antje tomorrow :)

It was fun. It can be enjoyed more than once a week. I can be ready in October 2007 for the Palo Dura Canyon Race. I have run the 25k in 3.56 (yeah it was slow...but I also had an asthma attack during it and kept going) and would really prefer to do the 25k in 2 hours or less. I would love it in 3 hours or less :)
I just want to be able to do the race again.
I miss being really active. I miss really riding my bike. I miss being outdoors and I want to change my job.

LOL
yep...here I go again.

Should have a response by the end of next week as to if I can be tested as is for licensing in massage. If not
then I get to start figuring out a way to afford classes :)

I really am tired of the tech support scene.
Don't get me wrong, I love WHAT I do...just not the pressure that is associated to it.

I enjoy seeing people relax and feel good. I feel good also. What a wonderful health mechanism!
Momma was right in always teaching me to not fear what I felt but to allow it to flow to the next person. Healing touch and healing words.


My Mamma's birthday is very soon. I really want to see her. Kinda hard for me to get away right now. I miss her a lot when I think along my drives to work. I used to call her a lot when I was on my way because it was the most silent and wonderful time of the day for me. Traffic was easy and no stress about arrival time.
It has been my habit since a small child (remember those patterns) to always want to talk when everyone else is asleep.

I love it :)

To hear my Mamma's sleepy voice reminds me of when I was a little girl coming to her from a disturbance in my dreams. Her voice, sleepy sounding, was a comfort because she was THERE. She listened as I talked of what my mind had reached for. She would listen and sing me to sleep if I needed it. She was there and awoken at my call.
She was there.

I will always remember that, Momma.

I enjoy talking to all of my family. This month is special because of a dear friends birthday (Brian Gagnon - my fav straight up boo) and my Momma.

I gotta get you two to met! What a HOOT!!! Who will talk the most I wonder?

just teasing my dearest ones......honestly LOL


My bestest friend is getting ready to go to Korea again. He is SUCH a great teacher. His adoration and inspiration to kids is a true delight to witness.
Hey...I am gonna be a grandparent before you are!
hehehe
An ongoing contest that my daughter has provided me with a win on.
I want my Fogo D'Chow, Marty.

I am so full of "spit an vinegar" today.

LOVE IT!

Thinking about it

My niece FINALLY got to feel Zephyr move!
We were at the Original Pancake House in Addison. Breakfast for the girls and the grandson-to-be. DELICIOUS morning!

I know I am excited about my grandson-to-be. I love children and always have.
I am in a time of my life that I love also.
I am not responsible for anyone else but me. I look forward very much to helping my daughter when she NEEDS me to. That is the limit though.
NEED. Amanda and Jordan please remember I love you both so very much and I am having FUN remembering my pregnancies with Amanda. I do not relate my stories though except when they are funny. It is a wonderful time in your lives. It is full of wonderfully stupid things :) When you need me call and I will do my best!

Yes, I am enthusiastic.... in a pixie sorta way.
I do that with a LOT of people and events!

I will not be driving you crazy about the grandson.
He will be MUCH more fun later on :)

I can wait.
I can teach him how to run, scream and laugh.
or
maybe he will teach me how to have more fun with it all!

I think this is a wonderful time in your lives.
I am excited WITH you!

Laugh Amanda..
You KNEW I would respond ;)

Recognition of my pattern

To be standing there in the dark.
Hearing old voices in the brain and its echo of time.
I could see what happened. Remember how I felt at that moment.
But for the first time, I could sense what the other person felt. A dream? No. It is a time displacement for me to see that event. The feelings that have triggered my reactions from that moment on. Memory.

I wonder if the reason for my pattern will also be made unreasonable in my life. I like that choice.
It scares me though. Emotionally scares me.
What if?
and of course
Why not?

All a matter of timing.

Just like seeing my pattern. It is time.


Change
Growth
Laughter
and maybe

Love

kinda like....

a need to feel comforted.

Child and Mother spending precious time together and both have so much to say. Limited precious time. It is kinda like ....surreal. Verbal limitations are heard all around us but I hear something different.
I hear the sound of freedom and joy coming.
Laughter.
Zephyr is precious already in my heart. I am so spoiled about getting to touch my daughter in healing massages. She needs the relaxation and the "momma touch" right now.
It can be a bit overwhelming to feel all of this in such a short span of time. I remember how I felt.
I listen to Amanda and help her in ways I wish I had been given. That is what is so very important to me. Human touch and comfort. Feeling safe and cared for. I am lucky to get to play with Zephyr before he arrives. He will be used to the hand motions that I will teach Amanda.

Hehehe
Maybe Jordan will finally get to see that Amanda CAN have the strength to do what I do. ;) He deserves that. Amanda deserves that also.

It is a wonderful gift in family closeness. Time spent on touching each other. Hugs...kisses...holding hands...tickle fights (my personal favorite!)...and naps spent curled up and spooned together all in a row.
Kinda like...
a peaceful heart.

Yeah...that's it.
A VERY PEACEFUL HEART

A most wonderful day

Yes, the week/month/year has been a bit overwhelming.

The bright spot this past week was seeing my grandson yawn.
I went to the doctor with Amanda on Thursday the 26th. I got to talk to the doctor and the nurses. I was allowed in the sonogram room too! (Amanda was right...a very cramped area!) It was so cool hearing his heart beating again (144 BPM) and seeing the sonogram as it occurred. Seeing his little foot, his spine, his heart beating and his lungs "practicing" breathing.
Then he turned his face to the camera and opened his little mouth wide and yawned.
It was totally sweet watching his face crunch up. He then stuck his tongue out :)

Oddly enough, he looks like Jason did to me in his sonogram. Today's photo sessions however are very detailed compared to the pictures I got to have.

And no....I will never part with them until I die.

The memories came flooding in. Suddenly I was in the hospital with them doing an X-Ray to see Amanda. I was just as pleased to see Zephyr turning as I was at seeing Amanda doing flips at 3 months. I was not as far along as the doctor thought I was.
Amanda and Jordan are getting ready for their son to arrive and now I wait again. :)

Discovered also in the visit that Zephyr will be a big baby. The measurements of his head and thigh give good indication he may weight 9 lbs at birth.
This is HUGE for Amanda.
I think she will deliver just fine though. She has proven time and again she is tougher than she looks.
Amanda is not wanting to use medication but to deliver naturally. I am proud of the choice! He will deliver easier without the drugs. I get to be the masseuse mom during the delivery!

GO MOMMA!!!!!!

I love this...I am so excited and the Baby Shower is this Saturday, too!


I am really excited :)

It's my party... and I'll

dance if I want to!

Yep!
HAPpy BIRTHday to me # 47!! I am actually pretty thrilled about it.
I think I look pretty decent for a soon to be grandmother that likes to dance holes into her feet, climb rocks, and ride mountain bikes down rocky inclines. (mostly because riding up is a pain in the arse!)

I have been silent on this blog because I am searching for a different way to have a blog available.
There are many things in my life that my family 'know' of me but don't KNOW in actuality.

I have a lot of really good talents and sometimes I have NO clue as to how they got there except I seem to KNOW how to do the tasks by looking at it.

It has weirded me out for years and I would like to have an answer to this question.

How many other people "get that" and have experienced it in daily life?

I find that there are times life is so overwhelmingly happy that I have to wiggle and move to get it out of me for some kind of balance. Dancing is perfect.
It shows my views on life and emotions. There is contact, dreams, desires, and sorrows all placed into a swirling mass of color and motion. I can dance how I feel.

I want to dance for my birthday adn Marty is aware of it!
He is my bestest friend for the longest time. Then I have Brian and Mark. Men that know me as about as well as Marty does (some secrets were hard hearings my loves and I chose only Marty for those) and sweeties to me in bestest friend style. I adore my guys. I truly would risk my life for each of them. My children! OH how wonderful it is to be a mother in all senses of love. I am joyous that Amanda is getting to experience it also.

Remember this Amanda:
He is himself at all times. He and you are connected at all times. He is as he is.
Beautiful

It is a wonderful gift to see a child coming into my life.
In any fashion. They love unconditionally. They expect nothing yet learn to appreciate the receipt of touch and whispers of love. You have that wonderful earth sense about you Amanda. It is graceful to watch you. Breathe in the joys and wonders of this unusual time in your life. It all occurs individually for each of us. It is unique as the creation you carry. You are the Godess Creative in her reign of beauty and strength. It is something you seem to be able to balance well with. I love watching you change and grow in thought and actions. You are beautiful.

Jason, my son, you have always gone into your life with your own ideas of how it was supposed to be. You were never fully given the support I think in your dreams. I remember a boy of action and laughter. Running and then being so curious that there were 'things' on the ground that needed investigating. It was a delight to sneek up and tickle you. You laughed so well and belly deep! I sometimes would sit and investigate with you. You would contentedly sit and observe the smallest motions of the bugs. Look up at me, smile, then watch them again so silently. It was wonderful to watch you observe and breathe. Your eyes searching for changes.

My Niece. You remind me a lot of me. You are more outspoken like your mom in most things however. (naturally so, I must agree!) YOU have met some wonderful opportunities head on while suceeding when little was left to believe in. You have daring and it is being tempered by Grace in learning when to bow out of a situation that no longer serves it's need. I am proud of you also, My Other Child.

All three of you children were raised close together. It was a wonderful thing to dao considering I was used to having 2 sisters of my own. 3 seemed right. You were mostly together.

Now you all have seperate lives that are a delight to watch unfold.

My parents,
Thank you for being the beginning of this fantastic life. I cannot describe how wonderful I feel about being your child. the first in a joined expression. I am loving this life I have.

I am really looking forward to the dance.

Thanks Marty...
thanks to you ALL!!!!

fast changes!

FAST CHANGES

Talk about skill!
My best friend has often complained about how long it takes me to change clothes.
Now, I will never be able to convince him I am fast at it!

LOL

Enjoy!
(I watched it 4 times!)

when you worry about the ones you love

It is peaceful inside my heart tonight. Even though I hold great concern on several of my friends. I do not talk that often of my faith but I feel the need at this moment to write a few things down. Thanks for reading.

I have had to learn a great lesson that makes me sometimes feel distant. I want to be available to listen and to hold you when you cry or need to talk. The reason? I feel that by my attention of just being "there" and sending loving and restful confidence that there are answers and there are good things to come does help.
Even if no words are spoken. I stay around you and open my heart. Hoping that you can feel how it may help you to experience your hurts with confidence.
I trust in a belief that all are connected. Each action affects so many others down the line. I want the same returned to me.
I expect it.
It happens.
I hold deep gratitude for my life being graced by those that come and go. There is no smallness in any interaction I have with people. I do not however jeapordize my own health or sanity for another.

To each of my friends, and aquaintences, I wish you enough.

Simply that. I wish you enough.

it was a story that was passed around along time ago....To wish someone enough of all their needs and wants. Courage and acceptance.
Time and love with laughter.

I care deeply what is transpiring for you at this time. I hear the confusion and hurt. The worry, fears, and angers. The lonliness is something that I suggest you look at closely and remember to cherish those around you.

Again this is for many of my friends. I refuse to name you or single you out in any form. Individually, each of you have blessed me with confidence with the attention to our friendship. Sometime, I am sure, I will be able to find my own strength bolstered up by those of you that I know today.

I love you all.
I care very deeply about you all.

and...


please remember...


Family can be friends.
Friends can be Family.

2nd purchase for grandson

My first purchase was 2 'tye dyed' star shaped lamps to hang from the ceiling. Bright colors and very entertaining!

The purchase I made today is the softest little outfit for him. It has little ears at the top of the hood so he will look like a snuggly bear cub. Soft soft blue.
It has little mitts that will cover his hands and footed feet. A full body soft edge zipper and a little pocket
on the left front hip.
It is so soft it is like cashmere velour.

I know it is early. But is it possible that it is going to be cold when he comes home.

It is really the first thing I have gone out and intentionally purchased for him. I am so excited about the baby.

I would like to start using a name but I know he will be My Cuddly Boy anyway. I look forward to learning his name. (hint hint Amanda and Jordan)

I have no fear about Amanda and Jordan's capabilities at being great parents.

It is late adn time for bed.
Tomorrow is a busy day with Marty's grand nephews 1st birthday party and then a wedding for some climbing friends of ours. Marty's daughter Tracy is riding with us so it will be a blast!

Love to all...

and time to do nothing :)

all roads that lead to good deeds are paved with good intentions.

I know...it is a bit weird sounding but I mean it just like I wrote it.
I had intended on doing these things I wrote about. Instead I enjoyed doing absolutely nothing today.
All day.
Except for when I went and spent time with my daughter. There are a lot of memories to share. Knowledges that I had forgotten about. The comforting touch of Momma helping to ease the hurts. Soothing and making her child laugh.
Inside I am thrilled Amanda. To get to sit and talk to you of how it felt being pregnant with you.
Knowing you share the same exact emotion of questions that every woman has.

Something no male will ever experience. A kinship with complete creativity.

THe moments of laying on the bed and talking with you and laughing with you are most precious. To feel the grandson kicking about and knowing you are uncomfortable but trying to get you to focus on the amazing changes. You have a wonderful sense of closeness with your son. Jordan has this also. The amazing thing is to feel the common bond of mother and child and child. I know I come in and start doing things like busy work right away, but once it is done I can relax and enjoy you. Stroking your tummy and watching it jump. Truly delightful my Elven Child.

The time spent doing absolutely nothing is most precious when it contains shared moments of my memories.
Laughter at positioning and small stretches.

I remember getting to talk to my Momma about a few things. I stayed silent on a lot though. Wish I hadn't. It may have been much easier emotionally if I had. All great moments Amanda. Remember them.

I really needed today.

LOTS to do

Well I think it is going to be so fun with the grandchild arriving. I am having a baby shower for my daughter. Since they have a lot of male friends this is going to be a co-ed event!
Don't worry guys. THere is a way to be safe :)
Amanda stated that if you did not find somethign that you wanted toassist with, there is a solution: Gift cards from IKEA. It seems that the IKEA store has accessories that go along the lines of the 'theme' for the baby room.
nature, moon and stars kinda deal I think.

I don't care :) I gave them 2 Tye Dyed Lights in the shape of stars.
Covered the hippie grandmother and galactic views all in one swoop!

Today I am finishing up Amanda's maternity and after maternity skirt. I then am planning on starting to make some baby quilts.

It has been so nice being able to be active again. I ride my bike and I climb. It is still noticeable though when the air is heavy that I still have an issue with my breathing.
I will check back in with Dr Sastry on Monday about the med change he was interested in trying. I have been doing so good of late that I do not want to back slide.

Today I am ready to ride some in the rain, clean, then sew.

It really feels nice to be just me.

today a recognition

That no matter what I WANT in the way of love...I seem to choose incorrectly.
I had a boyfriend for a little while. Actually he referred to himself as my boyfriend.
I never heard him say I was his girlfriend. I heard him say I love you....but there is much he keeps secret about his decisions and desires.
It also didn't help in that he was having emotional issues occuring in his life.

Everyone needs to grow to their best potential.
I hope you are doing that my Lost Love.

I am moving on.
I miss you and will continue to do so.

more on the physical sense

It feels good to be active again. I had an appointment with the pulmonary specialist on Friday. I am back to 85% now on breathing!
This is tremendous considering how it has been.
I am totally thrilled!
I have done a little climbing...and some bike riding of late. Marty has a route called "Seven Bridges" (love CSN&Y) and it is 9.4 miles (today) with variance of distance available. It is a beautiful path. Lots of curves adn places to cross water (hence the name?) It takes an average of an hour. I haven't been able to ride that much so I sometimes have an issue with keeping up with Marty now.
(I used to waste his out on the trails!)
It is wonderful to ride in the cool mornings. To feel the breeze dry my body as I fly down the path. The smells of the grass and trees is so refreshing considering we live with so much concrete and fumes. I didn't have much of a hard time at all today. I look forward to it getting easier and then increasing the intensity and length of the work out. By next summer I plan on not having issues with my breathiing.
Marty and I are geting rid of some stuff in the house. Dejunking. I get to find out when our other roommate moves in soon.

It has been interesting at work of late. I don't feel the amount of pressures I had felt before. I have been talking with the psychologist and psychatrist and i do agree that for now stability is best. So I am not planning on seeking another job for a while. I have a lot to learn here.
A lot.
I am pleased though with how much I have accumulated in knowledge and demonstrated in apptitude since December 2006.

I massaged Amanda on Wednesday night. I got a very solid thump from my grandson.
Thrilled me totally and then I started to tear up a little.
Remembering when I felt her inside my belly kicking. Wishing all could feel the amazing motions that were not mine but belonged within me.
I remember feeling Jason in the same way...but he moved differently than Amanda did.
Odd little memory.

I miss my boyfriend Dan. I had a fantastic time when we were together. There are things that people need to grow through however.
It is okay and we talk as friends. Life has to be settled within before you truly can live and love life outside. I have several friends that I have been visiting with of late. I want to get to school. This is important to me. I love the stimulation and the increase of knowledge isn't bad at all. I don't have to go for grades either.

I really am feeling like I am balanced again in the head. I love being outside and am pleased that I can go around and about again.
Next week I want to take my bike to work with me. That way I can stop on the trails on the way home. Then when Marty gets home maybe I can ride with him too. I want to be in good enough condition by next summer that riding my bike to work is easy. I think it is a great way to save on truck expenses and gas too.

I need a shower!
Ugh...

I also have a few PC repairs to do today :)
Geek girl :)

Love to all!

you are never gonna believe it....

my desk is





CLEAN

Talking with my Daddy

I just got off the phone with my Daddy. Yes...I will always call him Daddy.
It was an interesting conversation. It dealt more along the lines of him mentioning for me to remember things we did as kids. I mentioned also about my perceptions of my kids.

I understand Daddy. I just don't really know how to SAY the words. I want you to know that I understand we have different perceptions of events. I am not trying to convince you to" see it my way " or any other way than what happened.

It just happens that because two people were involved in an event that there are two perceptions.



You see Daddy... when you become adamant on a subject I feel like you are trying to argue with me. I don't react well to raised voices.
I do not argue.
I will shut up and stubbornly take my ideas away with me.

Daddy, I loved that you called to talk to me.
I really do have to go to bed.

I wanted you to know in front of EVERYONE (that takes time to read this blog) that I really LOVE you just for who you are.
I hope you DO get to live to be 130 or so.
There is much to see here on earth and more to come in the future.

I am pleased you are my Daddy.
I am also proud as daylight to be your daughter, your first born, and to see you become a Great Grandfather is quite the joy!

I still remember Mammy.

YOU are quite young to be a Great Grandfather.

All of the parents are really quite young! Guess it was a great tradition you and Momma started almost 47 years ago.

It is a continued joy to be able to learn from you and talk to you, Daddy.

Feel free to call anytime you want to chat.
I will take time for you.

Kisses and Lots of Love,

Circe Rexene

May we all have this outlook on life!

A fabulous story ... When you have time it's well worth taking a few minutes to read.
Thanks to my stepmother for sending it. =)

The Secret For a Long Life

My father never drove a car.
Well, that's not quite right.
I should say I never saw him drive a car. He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.

"In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."

At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
"Oh, bull----!" she said. "He hit a horse."
"Well," my father said, "there was that, too."
So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.

My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines, would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.

My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none.
"No one in the family drives," my mother would explain, and that was that.
But, sometimes, my father would say, "But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one."
It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.
But, sure enough, my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown. It was a four- door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.

Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but
it didn't make sense to my mother. So in 1952, when she was 43 years
old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby
cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and
where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving.

The cemetery probably was my father's idea. "Who can your mother hurt
in the cemetery?" I remember him saying once.

For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver
in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction,
but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits --
and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.

Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout
Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that
didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage
(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.) He
retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years
or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustine's Church. She
would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back
until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning.

If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile
walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.
If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then
head back to the church He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father
Slow."

After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother
whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If
she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or
go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so
he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. (In the evening, then, when I'd
stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second
base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the
multimillionaire on third base scored.") If she were going to the
grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out -- and to make sure
she loaded up on ice cream.

As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and
she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the
secret of a long life?" "I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would
be something bizarre.

"No left turns," he said.

"What?" I asked.

"No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I
read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen
when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic. As you get older,
your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said.
So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn."

"What?" I said again.

"No left turns," he said. "Think about it. Three rights are the same
as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."

"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support.

"No," she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works."

But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."

I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started
laughing. "Loses count?" I asked.

"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem.

You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."

I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.

"No," he said. "If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a
bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off
another day or another week."

My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her
car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999,
when she was 90. She lived four more years, until 2003. My father died
the next year, at 102.

They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a
few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid
$8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never
had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower
cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)

He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was
101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to
keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body until the
moment he died.

One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had
to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of
us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging
conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.

A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, "You know, Mike, the first
hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred."

At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm
probably not going to live much longer."

"You're probably right," I said.

"Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.

"Because you're 102 years old," I said. "Yes," he said, "you're right."
He stayed in bed all the next day.

That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him
through the night. He appreciated it, he said, though at one point,
apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said: "I would like to make an
announcement. No one in this room is dead yet."

An hour or so later, he spoke his last words: "I want you to know," he
said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable.
And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."

A short time later, he died.

I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and
then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so
long. I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life ...

Or because he quit taking left turns.

(Michael Gartner has been editor of newspapers large and small and
president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial
writing .)

moving on down the road

Always remember that to get anywhere you have to look ahead and take a step. Never forget to breathe. Never forget everyone
is human.

Choices made and perceptions shared doesn't mean that it is correct. I am learning a lot about my perceptions and their need of improvement.

Like keeping my mouth shut while letting events take place when they are ready to. To not hope for repeat occurances.
To accept things as they are and not look too far into the possibilities. To be steadfast in my protection of self. To find those worthy of my trust. To be me at all times and not fear the situation.
Time to clean up my desk and know where I am at.
Thankful I can breathe



and dance.

going with the flow

Last night turned out to be a surprise from my planned evening.
A nice change of plans.


I was going to Absinthe Lounge to work on the mosaic art tables adn to maybe meet some people about climbing and bike riding.
My daughter calls adn wants to hang out with me!
So I pick her up and off we go to work on the table.
okay.... I worked on the table and Amanda talked :)
We were ther till about 7:30 and then left to go to the DMA. I love the museum. It was wonderful when Amanda had an internship there several years ago.
Amanda and I wandered around and I discovered that she has an interesting view on artwork.
I took a little side trip into the Modernism in Silver while my pregnant daughter sat down for a bit.
All in all the visit was nice in the museum. I, like her, prefer classical art and cultural art.

After that I was to do a massage on Regina. So as we are heading to Regina's I received a call from a friend and went to give him a ride home since he lives near. I enjoyed the short visit and then got a call from Regina. She was a little late, Amanda was tired and I took Amanda home then went back to Regina's.

I really enjoy it when my clients and friends feel so good after I work on them. I feel better too.

Today is gonna be a busy one. So I am off and running!

LOL

Monthly Love for August, 2006
Provided by Astrology.com

On the 1st and 2nd, you may be asking yourself, 'Am I ever going to find the one?' If that question is on your mind, why not put the word out? Tell your friends, your more discreet family members, and heck, maybe the old lady downstairs. Communicate to them that if they happen to know of somebody really fantastic who's looking, you'd be interested. Try it out -- you never know what could happen, and it doesn't cost anything. By the 7th, don't be shocked if you've actually met a few nice people. Then, on the 14th, don't be flabbergasted if you actually like one of them. By the 19th, you could have a date. In fact, this could be a turning point. Get dressed up and have fun. On the 23rd, 24th and 25th, if problems come up, don't forget that romance comes from the Latin root for 'kind of difficult.' Okay, not really -- but you get the point. On the 31st, look back on the month. What have you learned?


@}--

I found this to be rather accurate for some reason. Also rather funny.
Haven't accepted a date at all though.

Just not into it yet.

another moment

This is a moment of laughter and friendship. Of learning, patience, and joy. Of summers spent with friends and family.
This is what joy and love and laughter look like and FEEL like to me.

Savor it as much as I and pass it on.


Last Saturday some very dear friends, a new aquaintance was invited along also, all joined Marty and I for food and fun.
We went to the Korean BBQ place we found when Marty first returned from South Korea. I had forgotten about the place. Dr. Jeff Siu and his friend Caroline had taken me there for dinner a long time ago. It was delightful then and had only improved in greatness once our dinner was completed. It was so fun coking Goubi and teaching what little I know in the culture with Marty then teaching more with history included. Mark Menosky, Brian Gagnon, Antje Spethmann, and Leslie Martin were Marty and my victims :)

We told them about a Norabong being part of the evening but never told them what a norabong is. :) Kept is quiet all week. :)
Something very hard for me to do.



I'm sorry Jordan.
Um.... Happy Birthday, TOO! Wait until January for your gift???
hehehe
A SON!!!!
So how does that count?
I helped in the creation of your wonderful wife. :) see???

All of this, and more, are part of the circle that always expands.

That does tie in with the beginning of this journal. You see I had almost cut my circle of loved ones down so far that there was not hardly room even for me.
:)
I tend to be a bit all encompassing when getting to know people. It is like a crash course. ABSORB IT ALL, DAMN IT!!! So as not to make more mistakes. Yep! That's the reason. I have noticed I also do this action with my hobbies and my job. I forgot often to just be still to breathe and to experience my life. I don't have to hurry. :)


OH!!! This JUST in! *click me*

now how fun is THAT!
(thanks Lefty)

So, I have had time to look around at some habbits and reactions. Lots are being recognized which means I will not ignorethem. Changes need to happen.

*SO.... the change comes with sharing laughter with friends at a Norabang and lights and beers and dancing and singing. Norabang translates to singing room. It is a private Karaoke room.

It was a total blast.
We ALL sang and danced. We all laughed. We all were happy to be together at that moment.

It was the best of times that are to be followed by more.

Decisions

Fly...
Making sure that stability is here in my head.
Marty and I were driving along today talking as we tend to do. Out of all of my weird thoughts and actions there has been some really nice clarity of late. I can see my actions and my emotional responses. An "ah!" moment when he was driving this morning.

I don't do well being a hermit and limiting my experiences to only inside. I have so neglected my need for activity that I have choosen some old repeats of a pattern.
I don't like it. I don't normally hide away. I am used to being outside. Doing things adn adventure.
Yes I am going to be 47 this October. It isn't a bad deal with who I am.

I am afriad that I allowed my insecurities take over.
I am living for me.

Lungs are working!!!!

Doctor report card:
Almost excellent!
hehe

Almost the full lung capacity is being used.
I am down to 2 times a day on the nebulizer. I have to use a puff steriod inhaler 2 times a day.
I can use my emergency inhaler as needed if I cannot get to my nebulizer.
MORE FREEDON!
I can start to ride my bike on the trainer inside the house.
I can start climbing again an approx 4 weeks :)

I am most pleased.

A grandson...how cool is that!

Yep. I was wrong :)

Not the first time or the last.

I am pleased to announce that I will become a grandmother to a boy.
The parents have not gotten a decision on the name yet.

I am sure more will follow.

WOW.... I am so excited!
I hope I get to see the sonogram pictures soon.

another patience test I guess.

Things that make me go "Hmmmm...."

Daily singles love (by Astrology.com)

Sure, it's grown-up and mature to be friends with your exes, but an old tie could be holding you back from forming new ones. It's a good time to check your emotional fences. Make sure those boundaries are clear.



Time to realize what it was about my marriage and the fences I built that need to be cleansed adn completed. THat was so very long ago adn I am tired of reacting with dears.

Inside Out

Do you realize how difficult it is for me not to talk at my job? Smoothing the angers of people and just chattering to them? I am really pretty good at getting information out of a client.
You ask questions.
Easy.
So why are people afraid to ask questions?
Object of the interaction is to get what is inside to be out.
Thoughts, reactions, desires, goals, and of course what will make a person satisfied that you assisted in the resolution to the very best of your ability.
You tell them and then you do it.
Simple.
You follow through with what you say.
I can do this at work so easily. It is impersonal. Kinda removed from physical space. My voice and confidence have to carry through the digital exchange of tones.
Physical sight means they are able to watch me motion with small involuntary twitches and eye motions. Like I am always looking for an answer. It is my nerves. I know in my head but sometimes have to search for the reference materials. I associate almost every thought I have with an action. Weird to think about it. I even sigh if I cannot move.
Except when I am sitting on my couch and looking at the trees. The way the wind moves the leaves...the depths of shadows and green. I imagine I am walking in my fields of coolness.
Easy
Simple and non active.
A very old friend reminded me of that today. HE is a very long time ago great one. The times of when we were 15 and 18. (Les was older of course! Can't have it any other way in high school...) we walked a lot to the pond and the trees. There were plenty of walks and sitting in trees in my yard too.
But the walks to the end of the runway and looking at the trees. The water.
Then driving in his Torino.... Just really peaceful.
I had forgotten those. I was always so curious. I convinced Les to show me how to print photos in his dark room. The lessons of graininess, depth, and shadow. Focusing became a challenge again. How can we present the abstract in a reality shot?
Leslie, you were so clever in your humor.

I remember what you asked tonight about my travel bug.

I thought about it and could not feign from enlightening you this way.
I want to go to different countries. I have a talent I can share. I need to get my act together and get my license. I can go to different resorts and work as a masseuse rather easily.

I can take a vacation and scope out the opportunities and gather education abroad. Share it as I go.
Pass on the knowledge and teach.
I love working with people, too. I like finding out about their thoughts and reactions. It all leads a path to how you work on the body to heal.
Belief holds strong magic in the words you use.
Amanda reminded me that I told her that for all the asthma.
So why is it I am doing this to me? Mentally.
Afraid that if I move "IT" will disappear?
Heck, silly woman...things and people change.
That is what ALL of this is about.
Blessed are we to travel a path together for a while.
To part and share those thoughts with others that we see along the way... add to and not take away the joy in the experience.

All of these things thoughts actions I know and know how to do.

Tonight I breathe easy
Inside
and
Out


( I have another blog id if you you are interested. I usually write very differently there. You are welcome t o incorporate it into your routines or not.
I liked what I wrote this early in the morning and wanted my family to see it also.) Circe @ MySpace.com

Pictures of my kids and family

Just a few :) This is so a friend of mine that has moved away can see where they are at now in life. Enjoy!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Ms Chandra Michael Sherwood

My favorite and ONLY niece. :)
I look forward to seeing you for lunch and having time with you again.

Thanks for not hanging up the phone when I sing to you.

... be prepared....
everytime you answer the phone today with me I will be singing just for you.
MUCH love, hugs, and kisses.

Auntie Circe

When Pigs Fly...

a young woman I know came along in my life and shared some wonderful music with me today.

Thanks Chris!

Lyrics for "Just Because" ( click here if you want to listen)

Just Because

Do you ever wonder whose face makes the moonlight?
Do you ever look up and find your face there?
Is it any wonder we find ourselves laughing
with your tongue at my lips and your hands in my hair?
I don't need a reason to savor the Mystery.
All we need to is open up one eye...

I don't need a savior to keep me from tumbling
I'll only kneel for my lover's delight
I don't need a church man to show me what's holy
When I see you in the doorway surrounded in light
I don't need a guidebook to paint out my story
I don't need a road map to find my way back home...

So why? Tell me why! How long? How long?
What if why is just because?

I don't need a doctorate to speak with authority
40,000 years we've been painting in caves
I don't need an answer to each of my questions
When the nape of your neck just won't let me "behave"
I don't need a bible to swear on my conscience
I don't need a stranger to know I'm not alone

So why? Tell me why! How long? How long?
What if why is just because?

I don't need a downbeat to dance in this moonlight
With the drum in my bones Im naked here too
I don't need a lighthouse to find my lover
Filled to my brim with the wanting of you
I don't need a maestro to count out my measure
I don't need a songbook to howl up at the moon

So why? Tell me why! How long? How long?
What if why is just because?

I don't need a reason....

1/6/97

taking time

watching the stars rise at night
seeing where i wish to go in my mind

carefully i placed my trust with you
and all i have is my heart

there were moments of joy
feeling wanted and valued for who i am

hearts dance away to save
the only loss is love

taking time to find a place
of solitude

Stuck inside

gads

1 more week of having to stay indoors.
Almost to a point that is "okay" but not there yet. The more I talk the worse it gets. Trying to behave and it is driving me nuts.

Hard to sit here with no one to talk to except the im's I get. Thank GOD I have a few friends that make a trip to see me.
I was told to stay inside....breathing test on Friday of next week to see how I have improved. Decision day.

This next week goes completely unpaid.
Can't do massages
Can't paint walls

Only the computer is my toy for now. I am tired of sitting around and doing treatments but I sure feel better after each one...as long as I stay inside.

Totally quit smoking at the drop of a hat.
Not an issue.
I like breathing actually.

Eventually.... maybe I can ride my bike again.
Climbing would be great too as long as it is outdoors :)

keep breathing

Chris....
GREAT ADVICE!!!!

hehe

My daughter is stressed ... so was/am I. I think I had a gift come out of the "babes mouth" tonight. My friend Brian Gagnon told me to stop asking why.

Amazingly I feel calm and I am looking forward to discovering the same calmness in the morning.

Interesting turn of mind and I am relieved it arrived.
Time to rest adn let the healing continue. Hopefully no dream answers. My brain is tired and my heart needs to just pump the blood around IN my body.

I go to see the doc again tomorrow. Hopefully to be released from house arrest (WHICH I did not know he had placed me on!). Marty told the doc I went outside today....he blew a gasket apparently.
I also think Marty likes telling me tall tales in foreign accents to make me laugh and relax. My doctor is East Indian and has a FABULOUS sense of humor!

Antje today understood my need for the type of hugs I give/get/trade/need and supplied more than I could hold in my heart. I wish I was not so stuck in my head because when you needed me... I was not there for you. We have had several moments though thoughout our friendship. You were right in what you said. Time to work on things and I appreciate your love.

Marty and Brian made me laugh with a beer, food, and a dvd-on-the-couch-folding-laundry-night.

Just hanging out. And get this...



we had the TV up REALLY loud cause Marty (nor Brian... nor I) could hear what was being said on the screen for some reason.

No... it isn't age.



Well maybe for two of us it us :)


No need to ask why

I like that Brian.

Thanks

Love

today.....feels so empty

bored as hell with physical restrictions

worked on a massage last night adn it damn near made me pass out.

i have another massage today and hopefuly it will be better.

wow.

what a life i lead

woke up with no thoughts or dreams because of the medication and i feel empty

the good thing of today?
i am going to go see my sister for a little while this morning.

btw

yes I did remove some posts that were recently made.
All is as it should be.

cha-cha-cha-changes

time to turn around
look at the changes i need to make me healthy again.

sometimes I spread me too thin to try and please all but myself. i haven't taken very good care of my health due to getting back into very old and negative patterns.

gotta change that all.

the most important things RIGHT NOW?
-my mental and physical health
-my looking for a new job that I am not stressed about
-my coming grandchild/children
-my bills being taken care of
-my truck being taken care of
-finding that i do not "need" but can choose


There is sadness in my life but oddly I feel calm.

It is not my nature to make people feel bad. I try to make them feel good. Guess maybe the thought to recognize is that I cannot make people feel better or worse. They can do it for themselves. I have to remember what my Dad says a lot of....
you need to take care of you FIRST and then the rest will follow.

So I got caught up in what was supposed to be a loving realtionship. I think I understand the passion and love I have for my family.
I understand the love I have for my closest friends AND I need to learn to designate a FRIEND from an aquaintance.

I think I really need to learn a lot more of my reactions and responses.

My friends know where to look me up to see what is happening in my life.
Some of the people I will miss deeply because I enjoyed them trememdously.

Time to turn around and make my changes again.

To much coming up to avoid my life.

Very frustrated

I start to see daylight in handling bills and then WHAM!
I ended up dealing with a hospital, my GP doctor, and a pulmonary specialist for my lungs.

That's right folks! My lungs. Asthma mixed with a serious case of bronchitis. Sheeze...

SO...NO more smoking at ALL. Period. Even if I am TOTALLY stressing out or freaking out. I can't do it anymore.
Allergies have hit me hard this year. My roommate Tracy has a dog that is out side all the time now (it helps!)
and I feel awful. At least there is breathe getting to the lungs now. 7 prescriptions...and 4 have dizziness effects (seriously) and 2 are HIGHLY narcotic so I have to be careful with that also.

I am breathing better today. Got to talk to Dan for a brief minute after seeing the HR reps at my office. It was nice.
I do not like the meds however. Feel kinda doped and 'off'. I really am doing okay. I have to use the nebulizer for amonth until the lungs clear up. I am also staying out of the sun because of 2 medications warnings. (bad reaction to UV)

Tonight I am supposed to head to Mark Menosky's for a BM meeting. unfortunately I will not get to go to Burning Man. The doctor HEAVILY recommended I don't.
The lungs are at a delicate balancing act at this time.
I like living so I will behave.
Hard, but I can do it!

Well that is all for now.
Time for the nebulizer and a nap.

I need to remember this

Thinking that the past or present somehow forecasts the future, neglects the otherwise obvious facts that one of the greatest certainties of all time and space is that things always get better. That no matter how challenging any given set-back is, eventually it will make possible the attainment of even greater heights than were previously imaginable. And that you knew exactly what you were doing when you once said, "Time and space? I'm totally there, dude..."

plop plop ...fizz fizz...

it is amazing at the pure joy you can see in a child's face by a simple act.

finding a pair of pants that FIT a young pregnant woman.

amanda fits perfectly into a size 2 maternity pant that we found in target. That's right... A SIZE 2. i never before realized how marketing is conditioned to take your regular size (pre-pregnant) and make them almost 2 sizes more but labeled at the same size (pregnant for SURE) in clothing. not all pregnant women grow in the butt and hip.
the pants fit wonderfully though
:) a bonus :)

i need to post some pictures of amanda. i am amazed at the appearance of her small stature seemingly swallowed up by a beginning life. she is beautiful.

amanda posts enough about her emotional drive right now...i do understand it. i remember. friday though, amanda and i are going to see grannie jaye. my momma. i am looking forward to it immensely.
i get to chat at jason occasionally. he is settling in and doing well. hopefully he will blog again soon. i haven't seen jordan or chandra in a while. maybe time to call the kids all together and have a discussion!

time to plan some things. time to laugh.

On vacation

from stress.

I have had enough of the emotional rollercoaster rides.
Even told Dan that when I picked him up from work yesterday.
I am tired of feeling stressed...I am on vacation.
Permanently.

Life is for learning, loving and laughing. Why do I have to be like everyone else?
It is perhaps some of the reason I do not progress as fast as I know I can at my job. I get pulled into thinking to much about my reactions and my emotions. I work in COMPUTERS adn they are unemotional. Inanimate. THEY do what I script.

I am just trying to find out what makes me happy. What interests my mind and satisfies my creative points. I like not having to take the meds. The emotions are a bit crazy...and sleep has been difficult...but I think I am doing healthy good things.

So...vacation from stress starts at getting rid of the junk in the house. I have time for all I want to do. I do not have to give in to guilts about WHY I needed to not do something. I am taking care of myself. Sometimes Marty helps in that. He watches out for me and so does Dan. I am very well taken care of by MORE family and friends, too.

OKAY!!!

Gotta get the DL updated!
Have a blast of a day!

C

lots of things

yeah yeah yeah
i cannot afford to pay doctors and my bills and eat.
so no more psychiatrist or psychologist or
medications.
way to expensive even in the co-pay.

so what
i may be a bit freaky emotionally. there is going to be some roller coaster rides (pay attention Amanda) in what i write.
i am trying to live without the assistance of the drugs that make my brain function correctly. it has been a long time that i have had the need to take the medications. it is going to fell like a long time before i find balance in my head without them.

there are a lot of things i am concerned about right now.
most require money to take care of them.
that is something i am in need of at the moment.

i have one roommate that is really causing financial stress. my other roommate will be leaving before the end of our contract.

how the hell do i get into these things.
i think the best thing is for me to have my own little place. an apartment that i can place my gear in comfortably.
Marty may have to use a storage...but without his guarantee that he will return in 1 year...i cannot afford to keep stressing on roommates.
we will see what happens. Marty is going to Korea to teach again.
he is also going to miss the birth of my granddaughter.
we are both sad about that.
in genera, i am sad and i want to hide away and not feel. it is overwhelming at times.
i heard from my son who just moved to Florida. awesome that he is so jazzed about his life.

a girlfriend used the word despondent to describe me today.
gee thanks
actually it probably needed to be said. i ended up looking at the synonym of hopeless and that really scared me.

it is not in my nature to be hopeless. why did that draw my attention? is my situation going to be a battle that i lose all?
if so / let it be.
i have survived other things. what is one more?
strength is what it turns into.

i can and have started over before. maybe this time i need a new location entirely/what about my daughter and granddaughter/ to see what i am made of / i want to be here to help when needed and watch her grow/ and to learn to truly LET GO of people.

see what I mean? confused.
i am tired of it.

i will be fine after i talk awhile with my spirit. i need to see if i can find a new path to tread.

Happy Birthday Marty!

ALL of my loved ones know about my bestest friend, Marty.
He has been teh closest friend I have ever had. He has supported me when I was a total freak in emotionsal reactions.

So to show "The Love" I woke him up at 5:30 this morning.
Walked boldly into his dark and snoring filled bedroom.
Sang him "Happy Birthday".
Gave him 36 little taps on his butt while he was trying to sleep.
Left the house and went to work.

Happy Birthday to you, Marty!
What an adventure your life has been and the best is yet to come!

I love you Special, my dear friend.

Wow


46


and you are lookin' GOOD!

**kisses**

A note from the Universe....

Now THIS is a great reminder to look at my day in hope!

Love to all!!!!
@}-- @}-- @}-- @}-- @}-- @}--


You know, it's totally possible to have big, huge, gigantic dreams, Circe, yet still be deliriously happy with today.
I call it the built-in double-happiness redundancy factor.
Tallyho,
The Universe

sounds of life

coming from my daughters tummy :)
WIsh Whoosh Wish WHOosh...
152 bpm Dr says "girl...oh yeah."

It is a wierd moment in my life.
Seeing my daughter at 24, rounded with a child.
Knowing at 4:35pm my son of 23 takes off on an adventure of his life. He is moving to Florida. Orlando , Florida.

Amazed in the strength both the kids have in facing and choosing their life paths.

Do not fear that time is short. Do not forget to have fun and love.

No matter where you are...so is my heart.
I am so very proud of your choices and willingness to face life.

Proud and amazed.

it does get better

just a matter of pulling my head out every once in a while.
went bike riding on friday with Rob. had a BLAST! it was pretty humid but the ride was easy and relaxing.
I have learned something though.
I need to loosen the hold on my right shoe for the pedals.
I fell over like the old man on the tricycle...just fell right on over onto my right side.
Actually...I was riding and a HUGE bug flew into my helmet. I turned my head left as I was floolwing where the trail started turning right and BOP down I go.
Pretty funny actually and then a few bruises (knarly looking) but I was not hurt much.
Embarressed yes...hurt only a little, mind you.

Then I have spent the other days at my boyfriend's (Friday and Saturday) home. I was actually fairly lazy and not running around like crazy. I rode my bike through downtown Dallas and really enjoyed it.
last night I was taken to dinner with other friends and had the most fantastic Sushi I have ever had in my life.
Tei-Tei I think the name of the place is.
Down on Knox-Henderson on the east side of 75 Central Expressway.
we did go to Absinthe lounge for a meet up with a couple of other friends...then I was back at his place and heading for bed at 10:45. Work was this morning @ 7 am.
I was really very still and not doing much this weekend. Mostly taking naps and watching Dan build a server.
over and over again :) 'tis the function of learning you see ;)

I do apologize but you guys will find that i can be reached by email or call my son. My phone is off for a little while.
*sigh*
sometimes the bills are too much all at once.

that is okay though. I have been cleared to do the massages again and to exercise as I will.
finally!

SO.... who is up for some riding?
Maybe rock climbing instead with all the rain on the trails.

Give me a call!!! OOPS! hehehe
send an email! or IM.

=)

a whole lotta shite

... sometimes you just have to face a nasty situation running head on.
TOO much going on of late to make a lot of sense. I am not one to directly look at offending ANYONE. Not my nature. I have had enough however. The company I currently work for sux. Not only am I more stressed out than I have been in years, I am TRULY beginning to hate Tech Support. This has been something I have wanted to do since HIGH SCHOOL. My longest known friend pointed that out to me a few months ago. "you finally made it in computers, Circ! Remember? Always talking about what you wanted to learn...always learning." Thanks, Leslie...I had forgotten about it actually.

I am not comfortable in the PREMISE of the company either. It seems to be focused on people paying money that they really canot afford to pay JUST to talk to idiots. Can't really say where I work ....I would have to injure you?

Right...

the other thing is having to realize that by February I may very well need to locate an apartment all of my own.
that doesn't thrill me in the least. But hey, you know what? It may lead me to leave Texas finally.
I was talking with Marty last night. Until 1 am. He is my BEST friend and I will miss him terribly when he goes again to another country. He will be doing this all of my life I suppose. In the USA for a year or two and gone to another country for a year perhaps two.
So all of the stuff moves with me again....whether he moves WITH ME or not. I hate storage facilities. I may just keep a few items out of his though.
His family pictures...his TV... maybe the motorcycle :)
He thinks I won't ride it while he is gone. HA! I'll even get a license this time! :)

I have managed to live TRULY by myself only a total of 6 months to a year. I don't like it. I don't really need people home with me...but to know that someone IS home is important.
I honestly stay pretty silent in my head most of the time. I can talk and be in a crowd but I would rather observe than participate. Even though it seems that my mental wanderings seem to strike a funny bone occasionally.

My son leaves next week for his new home in FL.
My daughter is pregnant (WONDERFUL thing this is!)
My other rommate needs to get the money act together.
I NEED TO BE THE SAME.
I hate seeing how much I have avoided in taking care of MY shit. I hate looking at my home desk.
I know where everything is. I know what I owe. I am beginning to agree with Marty that the USA is a place that swallows up the people. It is really geting hard to get ahead.
I hate living paycheck to paycheck adn it seems that is what I always end up doing.
I try to help out my kids when I can. That hasn't been very often of late.

Maybe I just need to really look at core values
That needs to be reserved for another blog of mine.

I asked my friend Regina (while I was receiving a MUCH needed hug) to not let me dissapear again. IT is getting to the point that I need to. I also have Marty here telling me "sure....pull the Circe Thingy Act"...eh? What do you MEAN ...

"You always always always let someone get to know you just SO MUCH and then you bolt and run like hell,"
"You cannot be afraid to let things or people grow in your life"
"You need to really learn to TRUST Circe...not just me and your kids or your family"
"YOU need to relax about yourself Circ....."

These are things Marty keeps catching me on. Old habits of action. He has been there for about 5 years now. My honest feelings? I would be so much safer not loving all of the people I know. I hurt at this time cause I really am scared. I don't like for ANYONE to know I am scared.

I want to withdraw. I want to just not be anywhere today.
Yet, I have to be.
a friend and I are going to go ride bikes this morning. this will help. I am not used ot being inactive adn it seems that I have so many fucked up worried emotional issues of late that my health is taking a hell of a toll. I haven't been climbing or running in a very long time. My biking has dwindled. I feel like it is slipping away.

I totally disagree with accusing ANYONE of being selfish. I will use the word narcissistic in description of a few people I know...but that is the way they are happy.

I do not judge ANYONE. I try hard not to state what is not proven to ME. Even when someone that has decided I am the cause of a situation in their life that has occured ONLY because of their decisions.

I cannot be blamed for another's choices NOR will I accept it.
I have one woman I need to talk to about this subject.

I have several friends, or aquaintences, that my closer friends ask why I 'hang out with people like that'. Ya know why?
Cause I was like that once, too.
You ALL do NOT KNOW me. You only know the woman I have become.

Damn free spirited. Marty laughingly made the comment that He would HATE to be the one that had to try to control me...I would say F**K O** and do it anyway.
He laughingly said that my final household there would be two that wore the pants. DAMN straight!
I will never give up the ability to make a decision again. NEVER

I am too afraid to really trust that deeply again.
I feel like there was this woman that died long ago inside. She cannot be resurrected and she was valuable. She died.

I wish I could say that the current PRIMARY lover would understand. I do not think anyone will ever understand actually. I don't give them the chance :)

I think I need to go.
It is time to ride.

Where the heck is Rob????

it flew straight through

time that is.
too many blogs to let people know 'who i am' without personal interaction?

this is a journal.

interesting things
hurtful things?
frustrations? (maybe)

trying to find what i did to me. YES!

hang in there boys!
It's gonna be a bumpy ride

been a little busy of late :)

yep! if you have tried to catch me of late...it has been nearly impossible :)
not only have i been doing a lot of OT... there has been massages... a boyfriend... a daughter that is pregnant... a son getting ready to move to FL....
i also have been doing a few odd jobs here and there.

TIME TO SLOW DOWN!

time to be on the bike more.... get to the climbing gym... and finding time to relax.

several friends have told me I am too busy.
they are right.

i will attempt to alleviate some of it. some has already been stopped but that leaves an opening for something else.
hehehe never ending cycle of becoming a mom and staying that way.
sometimes it is simpler because my mind doesn't process thoughts all the time then. it focuses on a chore and attempts to understand how to make my timing appropriate for the task.
yes.... i tend to run late to events.
getting a little better at it at this time.

otherwise...life is rolling along nicely.

everything seems to be landing in perfect timing no matter what time frame i have in place.

moving outwards of the self

looky looky!

Most of you know my daughter. She normally is very slender (115 lbs at 5'4).
She is STILL slender...but notice the little tummy?
That is a picture of a woman at 9 weeks pregnant!
it is SO cute!
She walks around stroking her tummy and smiles alot. That is when she isn't dealing with morning sickness!

So much morning sickness...MUST be a girl (or possibly GIRLS???)
I got to see the sonogram.....can't tell much at 9 weeks :)
the next sonogram I believe will define if there are 2 or not.

Stay tuned!

Gosh I am excited to be a grandmother!

Fly...

fly me to the moon and rest there in the light
the soft pulling of the earth below
rain is in the mist of the breath of the stars
sightings of laughter and play
listening to the questions of my heart

fly me to the moon
distance me from the pain of what has been in my heart
feeling of light and laughter draws me close
actively involved in the game
answers coming to my mind

flying away again

Anime Day

ever need to have your day filled with Characters?
today would be a perfect day to go see the A-Kon 17 Convention! My son adn I are about to go to it and enjoy our day together!
I'll write more later on!

Falling

Marty went climbing with Antje, Mark B, and Richard today. (Stoneworks Climbing Gym "Climbing Rats") They were on natural rock in Mineral Wells. ALL are experienced and are safe great climbers.

"Marty fell"

I got a call from Antje and that was all I heard. It was very broken up and it was hard to hear. Didn't realize they were going to the hospital. I am SO glad they went.

Marty is my bestest friend. My roommate. My coworker. My ride to the hospitals when I am injured.
:)

He is at home now and looks pretty narly.
He broke his nose, his right hand ring finger, and he has 12 stiches in his split lip.

He never looked so good to me as he did when he walked into the house this evening.
It could have been a lot worse. Thank you for taking care of him Antje. I know Richard and Mark were important on it also. Thank you all.
Mark Menosky says he will babysit Marty tomorrow if needed.
THAT will be entertaining.

Thought I would post a pic for you to see he is "Alive and Well"?
Well his is, sorta....






TO My Daddy, my sisters, Mom and my children....
DO NOT SAY IT... we are both aware that our preferred avenues of entertainment are dangerous. We enjoy the exertions and testing of our abilities. Being best friends and doing things together keeps us safe though.

Love ya, Marty. Sure was good to see you walking in the door tonight. :*