btw

yes I did remove some posts that were recently made.
All is as it should be.

cha-cha-cha-changes

time to turn around
look at the changes i need to make me healthy again.

sometimes I spread me too thin to try and please all but myself. i haven't taken very good care of my health due to getting back into very old and negative patterns.

gotta change that all.

the most important things RIGHT NOW?
-my mental and physical health
-my looking for a new job that I am not stressed about
-my coming grandchild/children
-my bills being taken care of
-my truck being taken care of
-finding that i do not "need" but can choose


There is sadness in my life but oddly I feel calm.

It is not my nature to make people feel bad. I try to make them feel good. Guess maybe the thought to recognize is that I cannot make people feel better or worse. They can do it for themselves. I have to remember what my Dad says a lot of....
you need to take care of you FIRST and then the rest will follow.

So I got caught up in what was supposed to be a loving realtionship. I think I understand the passion and love I have for my family.
I understand the love I have for my closest friends AND I need to learn to designate a FRIEND from an aquaintance.

I think I really need to learn a lot more of my reactions and responses.

My friends know where to look me up to see what is happening in my life.
Some of the people I will miss deeply because I enjoyed them trememdously.

Time to turn around and make my changes again.

To much coming up to avoid my life.

Very frustrated

I start to see daylight in handling bills and then WHAM!
I ended up dealing with a hospital, my GP doctor, and a pulmonary specialist for my lungs.

That's right folks! My lungs. Asthma mixed with a serious case of bronchitis. Sheeze...

SO...NO more smoking at ALL. Period. Even if I am TOTALLY stressing out or freaking out. I can't do it anymore.
Allergies have hit me hard this year. My roommate Tracy has a dog that is out side all the time now (it helps!)
and I feel awful. At least there is breathe getting to the lungs now. 7 prescriptions...and 4 have dizziness effects (seriously) and 2 are HIGHLY narcotic so I have to be careful with that also.

I am breathing better today. Got to talk to Dan for a brief minute after seeing the HR reps at my office. It was nice.
I do not like the meds however. Feel kinda doped and 'off'. I really am doing okay. I have to use the nebulizer for amonth until the lungs clear up. I am also staying out of the sun because of 2 medications warnings. (bad reaction to UV)

Tonight I am supposed to head to Mark Menosky's for a BM meeting. unfortunately I will not get to go to Burning Man. The doctor HEAVILY recommended I don't.
The lungs are at a delicate balancing act at this time.
I like living so I will behave.
Hard, but I can do it!

Well that is all for now.
Time for the nebulizer and a nap.

I need to remember this

Thinking that the past or present somehow forecasts the future, neglects the otherwise obvious facts that one of the greatest certainties of all time and space is that things always get better. That no matter how challenging any given set-back is, eventually it will make possible the attainment of even greater heights than were previously imaginable. And that you knew exactly what you were doing when you once said, "Time and space? I'm totally there, dude..."

plop plop ...fizz fizz...

it is amazing at the pure joy you can see in a child's face by a simple act.

finding a pair of pants that FIT a young pregnant woman.

amanda fits perfectly into a size 2 maternity pant that we found in target. That's right... A SIZE 2. i never before realized how marketing is conditioned to take your regular size (pre-pregnant) and make them almost 2 sizes more but labeled at the same size (pregnant for SURE) in clothing. not all pregnant women grow in the butt and hip.
the pants fit wonderfully though
:) a bonus :)

i need to post some pictures of amanda. i am amazed at the appearance of her small stature seemingly swallowed up by a beginning life. she is beautiful.

amanda posts enough about her emotional drive right now...i do understand it. i remember. friday though, amanda and i are going to see grannie jaye. my momma. i am looking forward to it immensely.
i get to chat at jason occasionally. he is settling in and doing well. hopefully he will blog again soon. i haven't seen jordan or chandra in a while. maybe time to call the kids all together and have a discussion!

time to plan some things. time to laugh.

On vacation

from stress.

I have had enough of the emotional rollercoaster rides.
Even told Dan that when I picked him up from work yesterday.
I am tired of feeling stressed...I am on vacation.
Permanently.

Life is for learning, loving and laughing. Why do I have to be like everyone else?
It is perhaps some of the reason I do not progress as fast as I know I can at my job. I get pulled into thinking to much about my reactions and my emotions. I work in COMPUTERS adn they are unemotional. Inanimate. THEY do what I script.

I am just trying to find out what makes me happy. What interests my mind and satisfies my creative points. I like not having to take the meds. The emotions are a bit crazy...and sleep has been difficult...but I think I am doing healthy good things.

So...vacation from stress starts at getting rid of the junk in the house. I have time for all I want to do. I do not have to give in to guilts about WHY I needed to not do something. I am taking care of myself. Sometimes Marty helps in that. He watches out for me and so does Dan. I am very well taken care of by MORE family and friends, too.

OKAY!!!

Gotta get the DL updated!
Have a blast of a day!

C

lots of things

yeah yeah yeah
i cannot afford to pay doctors and my bills and eat.
so no more psychiatrist or psychologist or
medications.
way to expensive even in the co-pay.

so what
i may be a bit freaky emotionally. there is going to be some roller coaster rides (pay attention Amanda) in what i write.
i am trying to live without the assistance of the drugs that make my brain function correctly. it has been a long time that i have had the need to take the medications. it is going to fell like a long time before i find balance in my head without them.

there are a lot of things i am concerned about right now.
most require money to take care of them.
that is something i am in need of at the moment.

i have one roommate that is really causing financial stress. my other roommate will be leaving before the end of our contract.

how the hell do i get into these things.
i think the best thing is for me to have my own little place. an apartment that i can place my gear in comfortably.
Marty may have to use a storage...but without his guarantee that he will return in 1 year...i cannot afford to keep stressing on roommates.
we will see what happens. Marty is going to Korea to teach again.
he is also going to miss the birth of my granddaughter.
we are both sad about that.
in genera, i am sad and i want to hide away and not feel. it is overwhelming at times.
i heard from my son who just moved to Florida. awesome that he is so jazzed about his life.

a girlfriend used the word despondent to describe me today.
gee thanks
actually it probably needed to be said. i ended up looking at the synonym of hopeless and that really scared me.

it is not in my nature to be hopeless. why did that draw my attention? is my situation going to be a battle that i lose all?
if so / let it be.
i have survived other things. what is one more?
strength is what it turns into.

i can and have started over before. maybe this time i need a new location entirely/what about my daughter and granddaughter/ to see what i am made of / i want to be here to help when needed and watch her grow/ and to learn to truly LET GO of people.

see what I mean? confused.
i am tired of it.

i will be fine after i talk awhile with my spirit. i need to see if i can find a new path to tread.

Happy Birthday Marty!

ALL of my loved ones know about my bestest friend, Marty.
He has been teh closest friend I have ever had. He has supported me when I was a total freak in emotionsal reactions.

So to show "The Love" I woke him up at 5:30 this morning.
Walked boldly into his dark and snoring filled bedroom.
Sang him "Happy Birthday".
Gave him 36 little taps on his butt while he was trying to sleep.
Left the house and went to work.

Happy Birthday to you, Marty!
What an adventure your life has been and the best is yet to come!

I love you Special, my dear friend.

Wow


46


and you are lookin' GOOD!

**kisses**

A note from the Universe....

Now THIS is a great reminder to look at my day in hope!

Love to all!!!!
@}-- @}-- @}-- @}-- @}-- @}--


You know, it's totally possible to have big, huge, gigantic dreams, Circe, yet still be deliriously happy with today.
I call it the built-in double-happiness redundancy factor.
Tallyho,
The Universe

sounds of life

coming from my daughters tummy :)
WIsh Whoosh Wish WHOosh...
152 bpm Dr says "girl...oh yeah."

It is a wierd moment in my life.
Seeing my daughter at 24, rounded with a child.
Knowing at 4:35pm my son of 23 takes off on an adventure of his life. He is moving to Florida. Orlando , Florida.

Amazed in the strength both the kids have in facing and choosing their life paths.

Do not fear that time is short. Do not forget to have fun and love.

No matter where you are...so is my heart.
I am so very proud of your choices and willingness to face life.

Proud and amazed.

it does get better

just a matter of pulling my head out every once in a while.
went bike riding on friday with Rob. had a BLAST! it was pretty humid but the ride was easy and relaxing.
I have learned something though.
I need to loosen the hold on my right shoe for the pedals.
I fell over like the old man on the tricycle...just fell right on over onto my right side.
Actually...I was riding and a HUGE bug flew into my helmet. I turned my head left as I was floolwing where the trail started turning right and BOP down I go.
Pretty funny actually and then a few bruises (knarly looking) but I was not hurt much.
Embarressed yes...hurt only a little, mind you.

Then I have spent the other days at my boyfriend's (Friday and Saturday) home. I was actually fairly lazy and not running around like crazy. I rode my bike through downtown Dallas and really enjoyed it.
last night I was taken to dinner with other friends and had the most fantastic Sushi I have ever had in my life.
Tei-Tei I think the name of the place is.
Down on Knox-Henderson on the east side of 75 Central Expressway.
we did go to Absinthe lounge for a meet up with a couple of other friends...then I was back at his place and heading for bed at 10:45. Work was this morning @ 7 am.
I was really very still and not doing much this weekend. Mostly taking naps and watching Dan build a server.
over and over again :) 'tis the function of learning you see ;)

I do apologize but you guys will find that i can be reached by email or call my son. My phone is off for a little while.
*sigh*
sometimes the bills are too much all at once.

that is okay though. I have been cleared to do the massages again and to exercise as I will.
finally!

SO.... who is up for some riding?
Maybe rock climbing instead with all the rain on the trails.

Give me a call!!! OOPS! hehehe
send an email! or IM.

=)