WHOA! Crashed......

Hello WIND!!!!

I took a very short break to fly today during lunch. MAN, it was more gusty than I expected!
The bridle hooks are set for 300 pounds. however, with the amount of pull and 150 pound lines...one hook closure bent open and my kite was spinning outta control! It looked like a headless chicken running in circles. Fast spinning, verticle, tortured, circles ...until it hit hard on the ground.
All I could do was hold onto the one handle and hope that the bridle hook would hold on the other side.
BAM...and snap!
My right wing spar snapped in two.
Damn.
Actually, the graphite rod split all the way up. Now I need to order replacements and start cutting them to size.
Last spare spar (hehehe kinda redundant, eh? ) I had for the wing.

It was beautiful while it was up though!
Had so much pull I couldhardly keep on my feet!
WHEE!

Now...off to the climbing gym!

Have fun my dears...
I am.

Circe

Bestest is coming home!

My bestest friend Marty is on his way home! 6 days.. I pick him up at the airport on Tuesday afternoon...May 3rd. It has been a year today that I took him to the airport for his adventure in Korea. He went to teach English as a second language to children. He is a great teacher! He helped tutor me in some mathematics and was wonderful at boosting my confidence in what I know.
I may have to practice a little when he gets home. ;)
We would sit at the computers and listen to music ...drink coffee...and just talk sometimes...mostly it was the comfort of having someone that totally 'got you' without having to explain how I got there. Watching movies and laughing our butts off...climbing together...dancing with our friends...and riding bikes.
I like the times of just reading together too.
It helps having your bestest friend be a room mate also.

OH other news!
JUST as important!

My other two room mates (Bob and Sharon) are getting Married!
Bob and Sharon are in Europe right now on a month long adventure. They get home on the 4th :)
Bob proposed to Sharon on bended knee at a rope bridge in Ireland.
Way cool.
I was blessed too. I got to make the ring!

ANOTHER bit of news!
My friend Jeff Carmichael has asked his girlfriend to be his wife!
Congratulations to you Jeff and Annie!
I am SO excited for you both.
One of these days I would like to meet the one who won your heart, Jeff....I think she is a very lucky lady.


Other news....I am NOT a grandmother..yet ;)
MORE news!
I found out my son Jason has a girlfriend!
WAY cool.

ALL of this good news....

The world is revolving and changing.

I also thoroughly expect Marty will last a couple of months in the US and then head out to another adventure.
He just needs to touch base with his kids and family.

I am SO very excited!

Circe

Simple things

My childish nature is attracting attention again.
I fly my stunt kite at work sometimes during lunch. It is wonderful how many people send me emails...ask me questions...and want to fly with me now.
The day started off pretty fast.
I was disappointed stepping out my door this morning. Not at the beautiful sunrise...but that there was no wind.
Nada.
Stillness.
It made me think that my day was going to be rather busy at work. It was a very accurate thought.
Dwayne came by and asked me if I was flying today. He wants to try a dual string before he purchases one :) Naturally I carry six kites in my truck :) It's spring and it is normal for me.
I told him if I see the flags stirring I'll be outside in the front.
All of the upper executives on the 5th floor of the A building can stand at their windows and watch...and I have seen them do this. Some even wave to me and clap!
Today...no wind. *sigh*
Maybe tomorrow there will be wind.
I need to remember my sunglasses. It is hard to follow what I am doing without searing my eyes with sunlight.

To hear the song of the wings as they cut into the air and pull me.
Elation.

I hope there is wind....tomorrow.

Circe (zzooommm)

Much ado about nothing

let's see the whole you
that part you hide from
that part you dance around and sing to
lay it out there and fear not that there is only you

you being of light are one with all that is, was, and will be


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can it be more simple?
To be open hearted means that it IS going to hurt..that there IS loss..and there are tears.

I don't need...but I do want.

I felt thrown away for a brief moment today.
Instead of hiding it, I left a message.

It is all about growing past the needful child.
My daughter has compared me to a child at times.
Yes I am.
I have not learned NEAR what I need to learn before my time ends here.
I know that there are many that will cross paths with me and go on.
Just as I will.

I still fly kites, play, get dirty, work, cry, run, bike, dance until I can't stand anymore from exhaustion.

It is life. It isn't nothing.
It is all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have people in my life that ARE involved with me.
They listen to me talk when I express a need to uncover something about myself.
Some call it lucky to be in that world of mine.
Some call it heartbreaking.

"Did you ever love me, Circe?"
I was asked that long ago.
I answered "no" at the time because I didn't think I knew what love was.
I did love you.
It is different than anyone I have ever known or will know.
You were unique to my world.
I learned some hard heartbreaking lessons from you.
I learned to be fearful of needing...and wanting to be loved.

I think I should have asked the same question of you....but my answer made you angry as it always did.
You heard only part of my statement but you forgot to feel the person that was saying it.
Something I think you never did for long.
Only brief moments of you understanding my world.
My ghosts. My pains. My joys.

I can love and not ask for it to be returned.
Every human has the right to such an emotion.
It isn't always meant that it is returned by the person you love.
Sometimes we are played as fools...but not really if we understand that our hearts know the answers before we ask the questions.

I loved you and still do.....in a different sense of the world of what is right and what is wrong.

We were painful together.

I am happy alone...but I still love you even if it was never enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Dance" he said.
"Not with motion but with your mind.
Let it lead the muscles into the shape you seek to form out of thought."

I have never forgotten those words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Synopsis of thoughts that are random and still very direct.
You seek to understand me?
Think again.
I cannot even understand myself or my purpose at times.
However, I know with all my soul that I am doing what is needed. Doing and living what I am supposed to.

I tire of always letting go.
I want to have someone want to stay,
To find they like to play also.
That they like to laugh.
That they love just being.
Not dependant or needing.
But just sitting and holding hands or walking in the moonlight and looking up to find pictures in the clouds.
These are things that have occurred with all of my closest lovers.

One of these days I hope to find that these are all exsisting in one person. That wants to share their life WITH ME.


Goodnight.
Circe


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In time

There is a moment in recognition that a small sigh can be the best breath in life.
Can you focus on the frozen particles of crystalline air? What will the settling of the breath bring into view?
In time...
All becomes liquid again,
Flowing and reforming puddles and pools of liquid...to be taken again into the air and frozen.
All in a sigh.
A breath...
A dream.

Wondering where I am going with this?
A recognition that fear freezes me. A small sigh because I was afraid to breath in deeply about my choices.
When I relax and warm to my environment...all begins to regain shape and starts to flow together again....until I forget.
Then the cold fear freezes the living emotion and puts it out into the outer reaches...dissipating into tiny separate crystalline form.

I have never been one for being still. I have to move and dance and feel the world around me.
My mind constantly flows with ideas and dreams and beliefs. I can choose which one to experience. I am the cause of the flowing events in my life.

I have made a choice of a new career avenue...one that I have been involved with before.
I loved it then and still love it now.
The brightness and life that dances inside the crystal structure...is a reflection of old times and memories that are solid...that once were liquid...that once were nothing but vapors.

There is passion again in my life.
Joy at creation of many things.

There are also the emotions of my life which are the beginnings of recognition of who I am. It really is safe for me to be the woman and the child. I am so very happy in my life right now.
I have friends...really great friends. They do not ask me to change...but celebrate along by my side. There is laughter, touch, play, talk, cuddles, and excitement! I am so very fortunate that my eyes and heart are open at this time in my life.
That is another form of creation.

Creating ME each time I breath...and each time I fall in love with the wonders of the world and of being truly human.
A WHOLE human.

Open heart and all....and yes...even with the tears that come in times of sadness...it is all flowing.

To the one I love with all my heart... you are released to the flow of life and those around you.

Me being me.

Change is in the air

OMG.
A new job.

Change occurs on May 20, 2005.

wow

All things GREAT and small

Imagine staying out WAY too late on Saturday night (oohhh say 4:30 AM arriving home?) and sleeping until 11:45 AM (yes! I got almost 8 hours) to waken with a rush and realize...

I AM CO-HARE for a BIKE HASH! God...where is the coffee?!?
=)
It was a blast to lay a trail with Antje. It was nice just having someone to ride along with again and just visit with. I have missed spending time with Antje like this. I remember staying over at her home in Arlington (The Sanatorium) and just hanging out, cooking, and riding on the trails.
Always laughter and companionship have been there with her. I have made several friends over the last 5 years. I actually met Antje through a co-worker and friend, Jeff Carmichael. The wonderful thing about Antje is her heart. It is huge and wants to express happiness and fun to whoever she is around. It is a growing space for us both in this friendship.
I love listening to her speaking German. It is an interesting language and one I cannot mimic well... so that is intriguing to me.
Oh yeah...the Bike Hash...
BEGINING TO MARK THE TRAIL:
Antje exploded in the parking lot.
We started riding out and then the flour and bag went into her spokes! POOF!! this huge cloud of white powder! I am trying hard not to fall over while laughing like crazy! Antje managed to not wreck and then tried dusting off with a floured hand over a floured body. The actual trail was supposed to start off at Bob Woodruff Park. So off we go to the Trail Head.
I actually have gotten into such a routine of riding that I didn't pay attention and ended up going on the trail I ride...instead of to the parking lot where everyone was meeting us at. :) Safety factor: always wear a helmet! :) Got to the start and slowly people are trickling in. My friends Rob and Serena actually caught up with us at the beginning to ride the trail too!

What led up to the decision of the trails we marked? First thing is go uphill. Not a huge hill ...but not short either.
A BJ marked by me and then True Trail led on up the street by Antje. Now remember...If I am marking false trails or BJ's ...I have to ride out then catch back up with Antje...sometimes I know the short cuts...and sometimes it is BEST to go back and follow her trail.
Not to hard considering we had discussed the trail to begin with...but there are always adaptions. the fun part was hoping that the hounds (Hash riders trying to follow our trail) would spend a long time on the Check Points. ( Means a trail can go ANY direction. ) The first check point was a BJ ( means that the markings were a trick or a Blow Job). PLEASE REMEMBER that the hash is known for sexual references. The second check point was hard for the hounds to find for some reason. It actually took you through a kinda nice residential area that had another park in it that I had not ridden in before. Only ONE spot of PI (Poison Ivy)
that was on a trail drop off and was a perfect BJ marking spot. Antje graciously went in to mark the area...and never touched a single leaf of PI!
Then onto the rest of the trail markings. There was a winding and nicely paved path at the Park and it was relaxing.
Antje did find a place that ended up getting a non-traditional marking....and they both lead to the same place! On we go to finding the beer check point!
This is about half way through with the hares or a beermeister showing up with beverages to drink. I even put a bottle of water in for 'in case' needs. This beer check was at a farm near the Plano East Senior High School. We also discovered religion while on this trail. The farm was nice with cows and Canadian geese and gooslings running around. Then we turned our heads and see cattycorner from us a home with a HUGE sign of the 10 commandments in the bushes next to the home. We never saw this when we were scouting out a stopping point! *sigh* I remember the 10 commandments...every one. Guess some people need to remember them by seeing them everyday.
So then we call 'on trail' and get the riders off onto the road again.
One girl RAN the whole thing...not a lot of miles (9 total) but when you have to do the check points all by yourself...it can get twice as long.
She had already run 20 miles that day too! Amazing woman.
Anyway...the trail went through the high school grounds and looped around the running track.....hehehe I thought Antje was quite fun with this idea! then back out with a check in 360 degrees in a big parking lot of the school.
Oh yeah...we did set trail to go THROUGH the school...there is an open air center with a pond. :) Hopefully the cops weren't caled in to check the flour. ;)
Then the group had to go across the street to a little path that ran across the back of this huge church. Interesting signs and moments all around us....
Literally
"Points to Ponder" and in Plexiglas and metal cases..these were bible verses that were spread out every so often for the casually strolling meditation. We also got to pass on the back side of some homes with acerages and horses. Saw 2 miniature ponies that were as tall as teh base of my hip bones at the top of their heads....and they had a Pony as a companion horse. Very cute these 3 were!
The next area of the trail led you through a ranch estate area with land and animals. there were sheep too! At the end of this little quiet road...was another check...and then the leading trail was to another park. We entered on the northeast side and went across the field. MORE horses and goats on the far back of the field!
I then took Antje to the trail head...and the park has been maintained for the last couple of years and there usually is no PI on the trails.
We rode around and did a Circle Jerk (a trial that forms a loop and puts you back at the beginning) in the nature walk preserve area. Then we did a True Trail that went along the creek...and still no PI! Whew!
The trail came out at near the Grocery store across the street from my home. and the True Trail arrow was at the entrance to my condominum complex.
I had laid dollops of flour leading to the pool and was waiting for all to show up.
It was fun! I am a little sunburned because I forgot to use sunscreen agian...but the weather was perfect!
We all gathered after all riders and runner were in and talked and chatted and sang some really silly songs. Then those who wanted to cook stayed longer and we talked of diving and running and telling the new boots (first time to a hash) interesting information.
I look forward to Rob and Serena joining in on more rides. They had a blast! We had a few visitor hashers from other places and they joined in at the beginning after Antje and I had left. They did a good job catching up from the the train station to the hash start!
After the hashers left for home Antje, Kassy, and I were talking in the computer room at my home.
Next, Jason and I got ready and headed down to Absinthe so he could see the tables I have been working on and visit with his sister

All in all Sunday was a GREAT day. Small moments of thought....Greater enjoyment of being around friends and the Best was feeling peaceful again in my heart.

THAT was the greatest gift of the day.... and it was a gift I gave to myself.

I do love to ride my bike with friends =)
I really wish my family could join in, too.

Letting go

Discovery of oneself means to let go of previous perceptions.
The old beliefs hold no value for what one feels today.
Fears have a way of holding me in an old pattern.
I am learning to let go of wanting my friends,family, or lovers (past and present included in my multiple inference) to understand my heart and mind. I can be who I am openly and not worry about someone approving of me.
I am enjoying my life at this time.

My bestest friend Marty is coming back to the USA! He is also my roommate and has been one of the best support systems for my mind.
My friend Chris has moved on to other adventures.
My children are searching for their place in the world which may entail Amanda moving to Colorado and Jason may move to Allen from Melissa, Texas.
My niece is in Florida right now training for her new job.
My sisters are happy in Wylie, Texas. My Mom and Stepdad are happy in Terrell, Texas while my Dad and Stepmother are happy in Port Townsend, Washington.
I also have a Stepbrother that lives in Port Townsend. My Stepsister lives in Seattle. They both have families and are happy where they are.

I am the only single, besides my 22 year old son, in my family.
Jason is attempting to get back into college and I think he will do well with his choice of major.

I am only responsible for me.
I love my friends but I am FINALLY willing to walk on my OWN.

I let go feeling like I am responsible for anyone else's happiness or growth.

I like my experiences of new people and going when and where I want to go.

I am letting myself go so I can discover my new path and my new companions in my life.

Into the sky

Yesterday at lunch I took time to fly my stunt kite. It is made by Into the Wind out of Colorado. A dual line stunt kite called "The Edge". They do not manufacture it anymore. I have repaired the graphite spars several times now.
The beauty of this kite is the pull it has when the winds are fast. I have to lean back on my feet to keep control as the scream of the material is met by the unseen force of wind.
VERY powerful. This is not a huge kite...but one that can take up to 150 lbs of wind force. I have learned how to fly it without assistance. I can take off from the ground by a single well timed tug.
The fun is in trying to cut the kite on the edge of wind. Will it still fly and recover? Will it crash?
How do I keep it moving when there is barely enough wind to toss my hair?

It screams when you catch the perfect edge of air.

I took it out again today at lunch to fly.
Hardly any wind. I flew it...but it only tugged me once.

A lot of times flying the kites is like physically being in the air.
You dance on invisible arms of a stranger that is familiar in some ways. The wind caresses your skin as you feel it trying to steal your loved one away.

I always feel like after I fly that I can close my eyes and be up in the air with my wings spread wide. I trust that what is not seen is able to carry me where I wish to go.

It is all about adjustments...and feeling the lines and the sails...and hearing which way you are whispered go and follow.

Dancing on thin silken strings.

Gifts

Amazing things happen when you just shut up and look around you.
The gift of perfect wind to fly my kite.
A gift of a dance from a child.
A gift of a smile from old eyes that are forgetful of youth.
The gift to be healthy and able to breath, walk, dance, sing, jump, and play.
The gift of my children calling me and telling me they love me.
The gift of my parents being around me still.
More gifts than I could ever dream of.

Life is a gift. Trust is a bigger gift.

I once trusted no one.
Now my belief is that I can trust myself to do exactly what I need to do to take care of myself.
I am nor can I influence another soul.
Don't want the job either.

I have a wonderful friend coming back into the US in a couple of weeks. Marty is finished with his contract.
It will take a bit for him to acclimate to the time change and the culture shock from being away.
I am sure all of his lady friends will want time with him.
I am sure his biggest claim will be his Children (they are lady friends too!)

All other close friends have new lives to lead.
Kassy spends some time with me. We will be doing some trails this weekend.
I am supposed to ride with my daughter on Sunday morning (if it doesn't rain).
I look forward to the slower years of my life.

Now...I need the quiet...I have been to involved in the outer world and forgotten of my inner world.

My daughter pointed out that the hundred acre woods didn't dissappear..they just ended up in my back yard.

How right you are Amanda.
I thank you.

Soon will be a huge group of us going to Scarborough Faire. Amanda and I always dance there together. I have no
clue as to who all is going.
I don't really care.
It is important that I go with my daughter. I wish my son enjoyed it too.
He is also a fine dancer.

Time to be my own again.

See you all on the trails sometime...or in the sky.

Circe <>

Childish Dreams....

Find a place to sit quietly
Watch the grass grow
Hear the wind blow
Dance with flowers of May

I knew these dreams so long ago

Growing pains
Dreams of Knights
Hear the tears
Childhood flight

I had these feelings all my life

Dance in the moonlight
Cry for love not found
Wish upon a star each night
Sleep till the sun goes down

I moved upon the earth in fright

Close my eyes
Reach for my heart
Turning away
I ran

I find these actions returning again

Sleep with the Unicorn
Watch the wind blow
Cry when the rain comes
Time for me to go

I wonder if I will dream again…..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember...I write poetry when something REALLY gets my attention.
I worked with a counselor today. Some call them nonesense or not consistant therapy.
The thing about it is if I am just talking about what I FEEL at this time...I usually have a discovery about myself.

There are parts of me that will never forgive what I perceived as injustices as a child. There are parts of me that are afraid to really honestly care about a person who WANTS to really know me.
The old thing about let me tell you the worst so you can leave now. Childish hopes and dreams should have stayed in the past.

The plans for now?
Growing past them all.

Life is changing dramatically for me right now.
Some will call me a cold hearted bitch.
It hurts.
Some will call me friend
It can still hurt.
I don't like being exposed. I don't like not knowing what to do.
I sit silent of MY dreams.
I sit silent of MY desires.
Always trying to do the best I can and it falls short. That in itself is a lesson.

Don't it always seem to go.
You don't know what you got till it's gone...
They paved paradise to put up a parking lot.

Whooo what dat dat
Whoooo what dat dat
Whoooooo


G'night Christopher Robin and Pooh
G'night Piglet
G'night Tigger

The hundred acre woods are no more

Long weekend...and it ends with music

Been a really busy, stressed, fun, and real weekend.
The weekend entailed a happy hour with LOTS of people from the DFWH3 all joining me at Absinthe Lounge (owned by a couple of friends of mine) and then rushing off to a date.
Of course just as I was leaving a guy came in that I was looking forward to talking more with. He wears GREAT cologne.
Then up a long time on Friday night...and slept some on Saturday morning....To come back to helping my friends by grooming their dog. IN THE DARK is not the most effective time to groom a dog. Thank goodniess Corky is a sweetie.
Then Saturday night I had another date with a friend to go to a April Foolishness party. These are a group of people that attend Burning Man and are VERY interesting to talk with. The hostest was wonderful and her home was very relaxing.
Then home around 3 (time change occurred) and I crawl into bed MENTALLY tired. I woke up at 8 to start again. I went BACK to finish up (actually clean up a bit ) the grooming of Corky the Wonder dog. Then sat and talked a little with Janelle which was nice. Then on to the Stoneworks Climbing gym for some climbing and some food. My Sunday Supper Club was having their event at the gym!
Unfortunatly some of the timing was a bit off...normally we eat at 7 and this time it was at 8. I wish everyone had stayed. It turned out to be FANTASTIC!
Lots of great food and good company. Mango (John Karnes) even made an apperance before he was leaving at 3:30 AM!. After eating..and no more climbing that night...there was a jam session that was a blast!
Played my french horn, my Cherokee flute, and several varieties of drums and other musical toys.

It was fun...but I am mentally tired again.

I need to be ready for a very challenging week this coming week...

Hugs to all....and I will be carrying my kites with me for a while.
The wind has been really awesome!

Circe

Not a fool by any means

Sometimes the hardest thing is seeing the direction of your friends lives...and realizing you are moving in opposite directions.
Still the main feelings...but no longer involved in familiar ways.
I dislike loosing touch with people. I have multiple friends but few that TRULY know me and my dreams.
I was thinking of all of the people I know now and the ones I knew before.
My longest time friend (30 years) is no longer in contact with me.
That is painful.
My shortest known friends all are pairing up and this sends them off to new directions.
It is sometimes strange looking at my children and realizing the choices they make send them away in new directions also.
Here is the wonderful thing of all this perspective:

I am still the center from MY perspective. They all come back to check in on me.

Now that may be a foolish way to look at your value, but I do not believe it is unwarranted.

I think I will go fly my kites today (after trimming a dog) and see who else will be pulling my strings and dancing in the sky with me again.

Wind

Soft wind blowing
gently caresses my skin
calling me to the outside to dance

Curtains gently moving
softly coming across my view
pointing me to my path with gently moving fingers

Sunlight stirs
hearing sighs and laughter
birds that start to welcome the day while bringing a smile to my face

Water sounds
gently tickling my ears with calm
feeling the movement that is change as the wind carries the sounds to me

Movement calls
time to dance in the sky
feeling pulled back into my life