Moment of trying to find reality

There are these times of inquiry that make me wonder who is really there and who is really sane.

Meeting people from all walks of life and wondering who is really making an impact on my life.... or am I impacting on theirs.

Not making so much sense right now, What is this loneliness I feel? Not really a part of the world but still walking through it,
Would it really matter if I had an opinion or had a desire to fully integrate the lessons that I am experiencing?

To be in this body and in my mind can be rather confusing at times. I get the feeling that I am separated at times. Fell from the clouds and to walk on the earth. Then again....did I come from the earth to try and reach the sky?

At this time in my life...a small moment really.... I feel like I belong no where. I know that there are paths for me to walk on and to experience. I just don’t know where to find my balance.
I have wants and I have dreams, I even have hopes of fitting in to a life that I know is on the edge of my consciousness.

I am tired of TRYING to be something I am not and I don’t even know how to become what I am supposed to be. Don't know if there IS something I am supposed to be. I can only act as I feel at the moment. It hurts in my soul to be so confused and so wanting.

I hope that I can find the reality of me.

I am lost at the moment with a hole that seems to want to swallow me up into nothingness. A hard drive home tonight when all I wanted to do was keep on driving...anywhere. Ending up in a new place to start over where I am not known by others.

I dislike this moment in my mind. I wish I had the ability to touch my friends that know me so well. My family is there and available but I do not wish to let them know how deeply my mind is hurting...my emotions hurt. I ache for someone or something to hold me close and tell me it is going to be all right or even okay.

It will be different in the morning after sleep....and dreams that guide me.

Am I real or am I just a tape that doesn't have an end...just endlessly looping and playing the same song for a dancer that doesn't know when to rest?

Please my dear...just hold me and tell me I am okay?

Sands of Time

Check it out!
Thanks Jenny! I loved this....


This 9 minutes of a sand artist's work is fascinating. There's music, but even if you are somewhere that sound is a problem, don't worry about it - just enjoy watching the ever-evolving art. By the way, when I clicked on the link, I got a message that the site couldn't be found ... but all the while it was downloading the video, which worked perfectly.

http://extra.waag.org/users/aske/moviez/sicaf_sand.wmv

I guess you could title this art form as " Quick Sand "

Circe

Interesting days and night time dreams

Like...wow!
I had a great and busy weekend. Lots of things happened.
I did manage to have very 2 interesting dates. (that was written for my Dad and Stepmom's benefit) =)

Days have been busy with getting back into physical routines that are not 'quite as dangerous' for my body. Eating habits are changing dramatically...and going to a gym to work out ...means I am rearranging my time of activity...again all change is good.
One of my most interesting things to do this past week was visiting with my daughter.
You know, I thoroughly enjoyed sitting at her house and talking with her. We sat outside and had coffee and talked. Just talked under the stars and moon. We watched a group of 'kids' from her doorway that were sitting in the parking lot and goofing around as only 'sport jocks' can do.
We were finally noticed by them and they all left for McDonalds. Jeez...really healthy guys.

The weekend entailed NOT running in the rain and thunderstorm...but in going to the gym and learning some workout routines. Going to dinner with friends...and enjoying the people I know. I don't celebrate Easter in the traditional sense anymore. Had lunch on Easter Sunday with Mark and his mom and two of his Long Time family friends. It was wonderful nad the company was so delightful. Seeing all the children in their easter clothes was nice. I enjoyed my people watching tremendously on Sunday.

I like celebrating my spiritual consciousness every day. My thoughts and actions will place impressions and directions into my awareness.
Every day it is a way to learn how to live in harmony and in growing awareness.
Sounds kinda "whee-do whee-do (place in twilight zone song here)"

The dreams at night have been about moving and people coming and going in my life.
Some I recognized...some I had no clue where they came from.
The people that is. I do recognize the personalities though.

I like the direction of my life. Not sure where it will carry me to, but I am willing to explore the feelings and the emotions of it all.
Have a great day my dear ones...

Circe

My daughter sent me a test

You scored as Paganism. Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion. Paganism 92% Buddhism 79% Islam 75% Hinduism 67% Satanism 63% Christianity 50% Judaism 42% atheism 42% agnosticism 33% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

This was interesting to do, for me that is.
Remember...all tests are made by humans and inquisitive minds do think of some strange process in order to 'prove' one way or the other.

Enjoy!

Circe

Sunshine and music

It is interesting that standing in sunlight and closing my eyes can bring songs to my mind and joy to my heart.
The wind whistles by my ears and caresses my skin in small tender and teasing touches.
The call of string on my fingertips and the sight of colors that dance in the sky above me. I am not really flying my kites with this image...but I am dancing in the air.
The kite is an extension of the self due to the connecting strings.
The pull of the wind as I make a turn that is fast and sharp...and then the successful steadiness as I find the steady stream of touch.
The wind lifts my colors as it does my heart.
It isn't that I am fighting the directive winds...but learning to dance in them. To feel the joy and the peace like nothing else can bring me.
The songs are from memories as a child. The laughter I felt while climbing trees and walking in grass. The wave of my hand up to the sky because the wind was better at carrying my arm in that upward direction.

If you have not flown a kite in a while, or ever tried it, I would recommend it. There is peace in the actions of holding on to the strings and just watching how it dances in the air and in the sunshine.
A connection that is slight and yet strong.

Think about it.

Run, run, run as fast as you can...

Can I be caught? Must not be because I am the Ginger Bread man!

Interesting story that is.
Ego makes you boastful and not as attentive as one should be.
Lots to learn about myself this year. Some I like...some I don't. Time to change the thinking again.
I love gingersnap cookies. They love me too!
The stick around all over my body.
I have actually been pretty good about my change of eating habits. I like this. Check out this link for an ONLINE FOOD JOURNAL that's free. No diet plans or recipes...just a journal.

Thanks Chris for the link!
I'm tired after massaging an old friend and discovering he also is known by another friend of mine. Wild. Small world to meet up with those you know from different lifetimes.
I even met a man that I had gone to Elementary and Jr High School with! Wonder what happened to all the women I used to know?

So interesting!

Nighty night!

Lot's of kisses and snuggles, too.

Finely Clawed

UMPH!
What the heck??? It feels like a lead weight with stiletto heels on....BUDDY LEE!

Oh it is nice to cozy up with a loving animal such as this. He purrs and purrs while pushing his head into my arms and making sure he pulls my face next to his to head. Very carefully kneading my neck and face with his claws...not to scratch but to show pleasure that I am still.
Next is my sweet little Kali....cautious she is and a total opposite of Buddy Lee. She will lift your hand to have you rub her neck and Manx tailed junction. The sound of the Smokey Sealed tipped white Manx and the black American short hair cats.....purring in the symbiosis rhythm.
Warmth and contentment.
Cuddled up next to my sides or in between my feet.
Rolling around when I move...following me with soft sighs.

If love feels like this...then I will welcome it when it comes to reside with me.
They accept me just as I am and only want to spend time with me.
Playing and chasing...and cozy midnight purrs.

Buddy Lee? We need to talk about your eating everything....
Kali? Go ahead...play rough with the boy.

A moments dream

There is a belief in me that the mind is far better at giving answers if I can only shut my mouth up and open my inner ears.

The moments of waking up can be very fulfilling and also full of questions.
How many times have I got to repeat my lessons before I FINALLY get it?

The not feeling well of late and limitations in my physical activities is driving me nuts. It is the times that I avoid 'deep thinking'. Over anal-ization (yes I meant to write it that way) means I have nothing good left to view of myself.
Timing is everything.

A very good friend has had to unfortunatly listen again to my mood. I enjoy being around people...a lot.
I feel very disoriented not being out and about.
I have managed to almost find the top of my desk again.
going through files...and memories...and questions...and reading...and trying to write.
I just am not feeling like I am progressing at the moment.

Need to continue allowing my inner ears to listen to my heart. To my brain. To my wants and dreams.

This is rather 'disjointed' but that is exactly how I feel at this time.

Circe

A reminder of WHAT I posted

Sunday, February 13, 2005
thank goodness I DIDN'T take the flu shot!

Jeez
I shoulda read what I wrote less than a month ago!
Sometimes having a blog...it good. ESPECIALLY if I want to remind myself of what I said before.
It can also be a bummer if I feel stupid that I didn't remember what I wrote.
I realized that the danger of pneumonia was a concern after reading what I posted in February.
The doc prescribed a medication that is for pneumonia. I remember seeing the xrays when the radiologist didn't think I was looking.
Ugh
I understand more than I want to at this time.

Enough I say!
I am TIRED of being ill.

Think I will behave and check in with the regular doc tomorrow.
I promise.

There are some things in life that one needs to go through I guess.
Me?
I'll be investigating some of my books and checking a few things out to see WHY I felt this need to lower my body defenses.
It all starts in the mind first (my belief).
That can manifest a lot of stuff with as fast as I think through a lot of different subjects.

Ah well...still growing I guess.
This is a good thing.

G'night and kisses to all

Breathing again

okay...I still do not deal well with hospitals but have learned the willingness to go. Especially when I can no longer breath.
Yes, I went to Medical City Hospital last night sometime around 8PM I think. My friend Chris stalked me to my truck and asked me what was wrong. I blurted out I couldn't breath and the need for the hospital was important.
"Are you SURE you should be driving?" (Chris)
"yeah...it isn't that far" (Idiot at the wheel)
"move over, I'll drive." (Healthy person outside the truck)
"no....go back have fun cause I can get there ...I'll call" (omg...I can't breath!)
then I drove about 20 feet....

Chris RUNS up in .01 seconds....
"I forgot to give you Beth's money and yours....." (still and idiot trying to drive)
"Is this cause you don't plan on seeing me any more?" (Chris is still being logical)
"Circ....please" (He's SO patient and understanding of my need to control my directions in life and one of the few that call me by my nickname - as if you can really shorten my name)
\\this is what I remember and could be incorrect considering that I am STILL and idiot trying to drive to the hospital and SEVERLY lacking O2 in my system//
"Please drive me Chris..." (idiot has SENSE! okay...sorta has sense)

Dang it ....been diagnosed with asthma and acute bronchitis.
This occurs just after damage to my rotator cuff...and a SERIOUS flu (new strain) that had me in bed for several days. I just got to start climbing! I started exercising and running again.
I think the bronchitis came on because we have people at the office that DON'T stay home when ill.
I am staying home my friends, and folks, until the doctor tells me I can return.

Write me emails or IM me when on line.
I am trying HARD not to talk on the phone cause I can't breath and it starts me coughing and it hurts.
Yes...I am in pain.
These are my boundaries my dears.
I am SORTA breathing again and I want to heal.

I will gladly accept well wishes, hugs if you are daring, flowers, and of course ....loving and healing thoughts.

Thanks!
Circe