Analytical till it kills

Decipher how my emotions are playing hell with my body.

current health issue is around my heart area.

hmmm.... Let's see...

irritated at the situation that is currently occurring in my life and I have the only control to my reactions. it hurts. it is irritating because of the limitations and the patience needed to have things develop into a POSITIVE and HEALTHY relationship.

not even sure that it will continue once he has his freedom. i always seem to be the one the broken ones find.

he doesn't feel broken however and it appears that he is choosing appropriately for his best interests.
isn't that what we are ALL about?
self interests?
I want to be healthy
I want to be me without fear
I don't want to hurt emotionally


Is it really worth all of the heart ache when I look at him and know that he is the ONLY one with a key to his happiness?
I am frustrated with this because when I finally realize that I need to move on from a relationship... I will end it.

My marriage ended over 11 years ago. It was hard to come to the realization that I could not fix what the partner didn't want to continue with. I could no longer keep happiness and trust in the marriage.
I felt less than dirt because I could not do anything right and I could not feel he wanted me.

My Love is in a relationship. I am the outsider and I am afraid to move on.
insecure as hell on this....

natural instinct for me is to try to get it to end so I don't hurt.
sometimes I truly wonder what the hell my mind is here for
and why the hell do I care.

I want him free so I can explore what it is between us that makes us so electric. Give one away and take another.
That is NOT what I feel is the best in life.
I didn't seek him. It just happened.

I want to be so selfish at this time. To have his attention without seeing him worry.
to feel that I do not have to tiptoe around and hide.

mixed fonts and use of capitalization...the subtleties of my conversations in my head.
I hurt like hell physically and mentally today.

I am not sure why the need to write this. I can't stand being a side show.

I am very worth spending time to get to know and worth keeping as a friend.


Sometimes


I think that may be the only place for me is as a friend for others


I think I want to cry some more.

well FARTS!

http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/sprainsstrains/a/costochondritis.htm

this is what the doctor says is wrong with me.
i don't like it
it hurts
i am pissed as hell about it too
so

I have to find ways of not breathing heavy to survive this

like...right

that is NOT going to happen!

I need activity and I enjoy my life
I will take it easy for a month but that is all.

and as far as sex?
get ready my dears...I think I can lay REALLY still for now...
LOL

teasing my dears.

Laugh with me cause I cannot stand the limitation

Lots to do

and where is the incentive!
I have been patiently waiting. Sometimes not so patiently. ;)

I find there to be some interesting strain in my work place.
Interestingly enough this is the first job I have had that I have no passion towards it.
I think it is related to the upheavals around here.
2 major management changes while I have been here since Dec 5, 2006

Not good in my opinion.
It appears that they like to change management around. Trying to realign the structures.
Sheez...and no clear direction of how to handle issues except to nag at the Level Ones as if we are children.


Enough

Okay...I have a boyfriend.
That is another thing that is wigging me.

Listen well my family.
I will not introduce you to him until I am more settled into what we have going on.
I will not introduce him to my friends either.

This relationship is for ME.
I do not want nor need approval from anyone.
I do not want it at all.

I enjoy him a lot but am SO tired of the family asking me...
"So! tell us about him."

He is a really nice man my dears.
He is considerate and careful.
He is fun and intelligent.

That is what matters. How I SEE HIM!!

Yes, my dears...He is male. All male.

More later on !


Let us see what happens for us first.

Kisses!

Circe

I am only curious....

what is happening with our world today?
Cultures are freaking out about old world illnesses coming around again... Gas prices are the top of "the" subject.... So is the War in Iraq (notice that it has a designated COUNTRY for the war this time).... friends breaking up or extrememly HARD relationship issues.

Just curious about where the heck the mind set has turned.
Presidential dissatisfaction, too.

Post away!!!!1

" oh behave ! "

to borrow the quote from Austin Powers.

Sad, isn't it?

I stayed home or rather stayed at a couple of friends home this weekend.
I took 2 naps yesterday!
I have sleep 7 and 8 hours at night.

I like this!

It feel so much nicer going to sleep and not have the drugged effect when waking.
Sometimes it is hard to sleep though.

Lots of changes in my life.
Some are great patience lessons.
I am not stressed about it though. I had fun at my friends' home. We took it easy, I turned OFF my phone (unbelievable) and no computer work.

Felt weird...but it was nice anyway. Like a vacation.

I am talking to the doctor about getting off the antidepressants.
I am really getting tired of depending on medication.
Mostly the cost of it.

I also have a boyfriend.

More on that later.
I want to make sure the relationship has some steadfast footsteps to it before I really talk about him.
He really is a nice man. I think my kids will approve.
:)
Doesn't really matter if they approve or not but it is nice to know they like someone I plan on being involved with.

Get this! He is emotionally available!
A first in my history.
:)

For some reason I have chosen partners that have been emotionally immature or distant and unwilling to grow.

Must be that ego thing again. (blushing) I hate thinking I can fix the world and then get shown I can only fix myself ;)

WHATEVER! It works to just forget to look and they will find you.
Odd circumstances my darlings.
My children look at each of the 'potential intimates' as being less then.
I don't think I ever asked these type of questions to my daughter's dates.
I can't wait until she gets to be a Mom.

ROTFLMAO

THAT will be fun!

Other changes are occurring in my family. Mostly the eldest ones are in and out of hospitals....Children and their job changes, needs, worries, school....
Same stuff you try to tell them what to do about when they live with you...and as they get older you just listen to the concerns and ONLY give advice once asked for it.
NOT a MOMENT sooner!

I am having fun since my back quit hurting.
I love the Dr that worked on me. Direct, funny and VERY articulate and delved into the theory and history of acupuncture. We had a great discussion about the techniques and application of said techniques to my body.

Feels GREAT!!!!
Eyes are doing great.
New home is nice.

We will see how the boyfriend develops.
Maybe he will be gifted with meeting my family...... eventually :)

Oh gosh I hope he is ready for that....they ask a LOT of questions!
LOL

I honestly think since his sense of humor is as fast as mine....he will fare well.

He may even top Amanda and get her to respond with..
"So...tell me...what do you REALLY think about (put ANY QUESTION here)

LOL

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

Darn it

I am not going to CMA.
Health issue...I.E.:not being able to sleep......made me take consideration of the real need to stay low this weekend.
Sleep when I could. Job is too important to let it go to waste.

SUX cause I was really looking forward to a new experience.
hehehe
I guess taking care of my own self can be considered a new experience also.

It is okay....
My heart went to the celebration anyway.

Sing for me while you are there, Amanda!
Socialize with me in mind while attending, sweet Mark!

I can be there in spirit.

*sigh

CMA here I come!

This is SO cool! I am getting to go to the CMS celebration for Beltane! My friend Mark mentioned he wish I could go. The only limitation was that I have to be at work on Sunday morning at 7.
SO if we do not leave Saturday afternoon, I will be placed on a train back to Dallas from Austin.
No big deal.
My daughter will be there too! How awesome that I get to see her do a skit with her Coven. Yes...my daughter is a pagan and very active in her community.
I am just pleased as punch that I get to go! I get to camp out and dance around fires. Meet new people and have a relaxed time.
It is WONDERFUL to have friends that think so nicely of me that they want to take me along on fun times.

See? It is a life worth enjoying.


A life worth sharing :)

time time time....what's become of us?

It is simply amazing at how time can be speeding by before you can think about it...and other times it is so slow a Turtle can appear to speed right pass you.

Lately have seen the differences of my children growing up. I also get to look into a mirror and am pleased at my own progression in life :)

I still feel like a kid in my heart.
First time however that I have felt THIS calm about changes in my life.

I now live in a great HOME with a YARD and a GARAGE. I have 2 roommates that I adore. I am getting healthy finally.
My kids are healthy even though they have trails in their lives.

I wouldn't mind being a grandmother. (not a hint Amanda and Jordan but a recognition I am OKAY with being the age I am!)
I am starting to get out from underneath a heck of a lot of money issues....slowly but I am seeing daylight.

I remember being 16 and sitting in a tree just drawing, writing, and thinking.
There are a lot of thinking times I remember from my childhood and young adulthood.
Some of the memories are hard to deal with.
I have always enjoyed being outside. Felt more freedom outdoors than being locked in a room (school) with boring teachers that could only follow a lesson plan.

I still play a French Horn. Lucky family members remember all of my midnight practice sessions. :) It was fun!

My time to sit and think seems to proceed each night of sleep. I sit on my back porch and look up to the night time sky. Stars moon and clouds occasionally glisten down on me. I sit and think about where my head and heart is. I say my 'prayers' for those I know. I go over my reactions of the day. My personal emotional reactions to situations I have no control on and hopefully I see a better way to react to similar situations in the future.

I have concern for my family members and my friends. Seems that many friends are splitting up at this time. I hope that at the end they can still learn how to become friends.
I have 4 coupled friends going through similar issues. I have 3 long time friends that have recently gotten divorced. Scary world I think when learning to live openly with your emotions.

My ex-husband was right on one point.
I never gave him the opportunity to really know me.
Pity.
I think I may have had a good friendship after the divorce 11 (or is it 12?) years ago if I had been more open with my emotions and thoughts.

*sigh* to learn in the future. Cannot go back to the past except to view the lessons.

time again...
and timing is everything.

Lighter thinking

I finally realized who Louie reminds me of!
He is a reverse miniature of Luna!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.....for those who know Luna...Louie is in no way comparable to Luna. Louie is a buff colored Pug and Luna is a Husky.
But it is the VOICE that reminds me of her. Louie does the same welcoming "howl-llooo" that Luna does!
So very cute to hear.
I was laying down and realized that this thought was so much easier and lighter than to continue staying in my head and thinking all the time.

See?

I do come up for air occasionally.
=)

Take #5

Damn it was a weird emotional day for me. Frustration at not being able to get to ANYTHING I needed to do for work today completed. I honestly hate telephones. The sound of the ring is an interruption to concise thinking. I am trying to learn more about my job and get deeper into the problems I am faced with. It is scary to judge myself as not having enough wits about me that I end up losing my job. I have to be VERY careful of my attitudes of late.
I find I WANT MORE in my life. I don't want to work so much that I miss the relaxed family and friends visitation times. I ride alone so often I have forgotten what it is to ride with people that have never really understood my mental ramblings..
Circular
....from the beginning and well beyond.
I will be dropping back on doing the massages for my clients. For a while at least.
I need to really pay attention to my health instead of working out so many other people's stresses.
I miss riding my bike, climbing, camping, seeing my family...
and visiting some of them that I will never get to see again in my physical space. Sometimes I feel very confused on the swings my thoughts take on emotionally missing people. I try to be detached for the most part. But there are things I cannot distance my heart from. Watching my children. Confusion and fear at times for them....but they always find that events work for the better if what you put into the effort becomes larger than your desire.
Lots of rambling thoughts.
Lots of rambling feelings, too.
Memories?
Or is it "Live and Un-cut" ?????

Sojourn

I needed time to just sit and think and feel out where my emotions are at these days. I have not answered my cell phone since Friday. Not being at a computer till now. Disengagement proceed.
I spent time among good friends. Some don't see them as I do. Caring and stressed, but loving and tender at odd moments before sleep. I sat there watching a Cartoon with Dan, Chico, and Regina. Just watching as the two of them were falling asleep cradled into each other.
Thinking of my life. Have I cradled me?
I have been so relaxed this weekend not trying to do too many things. Several of us went out on Friday night to dance. Went to one club that was 'closed' that night (wide open doors mind you!) and then to another around the corner.
Lets remember this. These are my friends. I am DD tonight to make sure they are safely delivered back home.
I care about many people. I have fun and laugh spontaneously with more waiting in the background.
I am truly happy with my life. I have many friends and family that are right that I do try to do way to many things. I am only 46 right now and ready for more odd adventures. I like renting my home. Being positive that renting for a while will allow me to decide what I truly want to do for my career and living situations.
I adore my roommates. They are a home base of individuals that really care about each other.

Sounds like I am tooting my own horn?

Damn Skippy.

It is wonderful finding the journey to being peaceful again is to stop running to do everything.