a whole lotta shite

... sometimes you just have to face a nasty situation running head on.
TOO much going on of late to make a lot of sense. I am not one to directly look at offending ANYONE. Not my nature. I have had enough however. The company I currently work for sux. Not only am I more stressed out than I have been in years, I am TRULY beginning to hate Tech Support. This has been something I have wanted to do since HIGH SCHOOL. My longest known friend pointed that out to me a few months ago. "you finally made it in computers, Circ! Remember? Always talking about what you wanted to learn...always learning." Thanks, Leslie...I had forgotten about it actually.

I am not comfortable in the PREMISE of the company either. It seems to be focused on people paying money that they really canot afford to pay JUST to talk to idiots. Can't really say where I work ....I would have to injure you?

Right...

the other thing is having to realize that by February I may very well need to locate an apartment all of my own.
that doesn't thrill me in the least. But hey, you know what? It may lead me to leave Texas finally.
I was talking with Marty last night. Until 1 am. He is my BEST friend and I will miss him terribly when he goes again to another country. He will be doing this all of my life I suppose. In the USA for a year or two and gone to another country for a year perhaps two.
So all of the stuff moves with me again....whether he moves WITH ME or not. I hate storage facilities. I may just keep a few items out of his though.
His family pictures...his TV... maybe the motorcycle :)
He thinks I won't ride it while he is gone. HA! I'll even get a license this time! :)

I have managed to live TRULY by myself only a total of 6 months to a year. I don't like it. I don't really need people home with me...but to know that someone IS home is important.
I honestly stay pretty silent in my head most of the time. I can talk and be in a crowd but I would rather observe than participate. Even though it seems that my mental wanderings seem to strike a funny bone occasionally.

My son leaves next week for his new home in FL.
My daughter is pregnant (WONDERFUL thing this is!)
My other rommate needs to get the money act together.
I NEED TO BE THE SAME.
I hate seeing how much I have avoided in taking care of MY shit. I hate looking at my home desk.
I know where everything is. I know what I owe. I am beginning to agree with Marty that the USA is a place that swallows up the people. It is really geting hard to get ahead.
I hate living paycheck to paycheck adn it seems that is what I always end up doing.
I try to help out my kids when I can. That hasn't been very often of late.

Maybe I just need to really look at core values
That needs to be reserved for another blog of mine.

I asked my friend Regina (while I was receiving a MUCH needed hug) to not let me dissapear again. IT is getting to the point that I need to. I also have Marty here telling me "sure....pull the Circe Thingy Act"...eh? What do you MEAN ...

"You always always always let someone get to know you just SO MUCH and then you bolt and run like hell,"
"You cannot be afraid to let things or people grow in your life"
"You need to really learn to TRUST Circe...not just me and your kids or your family"
"YOU need to relax about yourself Circ....."

These are things Marty keeps catching me on. Old habits of action. He has been there for about 5 years now. My honest feelings? I would be so much safer not loving all of the people I know. I hurt at this time cause I really am scared. I don't like for ANYONE to know I am scared.

I want to withdraw. I want to just not be anywhere today.
Yet, I have to be.
a friend and I are going to go ride bikes this morning. this will help. I am not used ot being inactive adn it seems that I have so many fucked up worried emotional issues of late that my health is taking a hell of a toll. I haven't been climbing or running in a very long time. My biking has dwindled. I feel like it is slipping away.

I totally disagree with accusing ANYONE of being selfish. I will use the word narcissistic in description of a few people I know...but that is the way they are happy.

I do not judge ANYONE. I try hard not to state what is not proven to ME. Even when someone that has decided I am the cause of a situation in their life that has occured ONLY because of their decisions.

I cannot be blamed for another's choices NOR will I accept it.
I have one woman I need to talk to about this subject.

I have several friends, or aquaintences, that my closer friends ask why I 'hang out with people like that'. Ya know why?
Cause I was like that once, too.
You ALL do NOT KNOW me. You only know the woman I have become.

Damn free spirited. Marty laughingly made the comment that He would HATE to be the one that had to try to control me...I would say F**K O** and do it anyway.
He laughingly said that my final household there would be two that wore the pants. DAMN straight!
I will never give up the ability to make a decision again. NEVER

I am too afraid to really trust that deeply again.
I feel like there was this woman that died long ago inside. She cannot be resurrected and she was valuable. She died.

I wish I could say that the current PRIMARY lover would understand. I do not think anyone will ever understand actually. I don't give them the chance :)

I think I need to go.
It is time to ride.

Where the heck is Rob????

it flew straight through

time that is.
too many blogs to let people know 'who i am' without personal interaction?

this is a journal.

interesting things
hurtful things?
frustrations? (maybe)

trying to find what i did to me. YES!

hang in there boys!
It's gonna be a bumpy ride

been a little busy of late :)

yep! if you have tried to catch me of late...it has been nearly impossible :)
not only have i been doing a lot of OT... there has been massages... a boyfriend... a daughter that is pregnant... a son getting ready to move to FL....
i also have been doing a few odd jobs here and there.

TIME TO SLOW DOWN!

time to be on the bike more.... get to the climbing gym... and finding time to relax.

several friends have told me I am too busy.
they are right.

i will attempt to alleviate some of it. some has already been stopped but that leaves an opening for something else.
hehehe never ending cycle of becoming a mom and staying that way.
sometimes it is simpler because my mind doesn't process thoughts all the time then. it focuses on a chore and attempts to understand how to make my timing appropriate for the task.
yes.... i tend to run late to events.
getting a little better at it at this time.

otherwise...life is rolling along nicely.

everything seems to be landing in perfect timing no matter what time frame i have in place.

moving outwards of the self

looky looky!

Most of you know my daughter. She normally is very slender (115 lbs at 5'4).
She is STILL slender...but notice the little tummy?
That is a picture of a woman at 9 weeks pregnant!
it is SO cute!
She walks around stroking her tummy and smiles alot. That is when she isn't dealing with morning sickness!

So much morning sickness...MUST be a girl (or possibly GIRLS???)
I got to see the sonogram.....can't tell much at 9 weeks :)
the next sonogram I believe will define if there are 2 or not.

Stay tuned!

Gosh I am excited to be a grandmother!

Fly...

fly me to the moon and rest there in the light
the soft pulling of the earth below
rain is in the mist of the breath of the stars
sightings of laughter and play
listening to the questions of my heart

fly me to the moon
distance me from the pain of what has been in my heart
feeling of light and laughter draws me close
actively involved in the game
answers coming to my mind

flying away again

Anime Day

ever need to have your day filled with Characters?
today would be a perfect day to go see the A-Kon 17 Convention! My son adn I are about to go to it and enjoy our day together!
I'll write more later on!

Falling

Marty went climbing with Antje, Mark B, and Richard today. (Stoneworks Climbing Gym "Climbing Rats") They were on natural rock in Mineral Wells. ALL are experienced and are safe great climbers.

"Marty fell"

I got a call from Antje and that was all I heard. It was very broken up and it was hard to hear. Didn't realize they were going to the hospital. I am SO glad they went.

Marty is my bestest friend. My roommate. My coworker. My ride to the hospitals when I am injured.
:)

He is at home now and looks pretty narly.
He broke his nose, his right hand ring finger, and he has 12 stiches in his split lip.

He never looked so good to me as he did when he walked into the house this evening.
It could have been a lot worse. Thank you for taking care of him Antje. I know Richard and Mark were important on it also. Thank you all.
Mark Menosky says he will babysit Marty tomorrow if needed.
THAT will be entertaining.

Thought I would post a pic for you to see he is "Alive and Well"?
Well his is, sorta....






TO My Daddy, my sisters, Mom and my children....
DO NOT SAY IT... we are both aware that our preferred avenues of entertainment are dangerous. We enjoy the exertions and testing of our abilities. Being best friends and doing things together keeps us safe though.

Love ya, Marty. Sure was good to see you walking in the door tonight. :*

what kind of soul are you?

Thanks to my son-in-law, Jordan!

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Not truly agreeing with the TOTAL concept...there were questions that the answers to could go either way. It was interesting, none the less.

My reasonings

I have not much patience of late with the sense of indecision within my head. I am in waiting for the change that is currently evolving within my life. The hymnal that reverbrates is "be still and be known" in my heart.

Yes..I have strong faith in the creation of the thoughts leading me to where I need to be. I remember a couple of years in my life when all hell was coming down and somewhere deep inside I felt calm. Still. Peaceful. Just looking to see the view and which path I choose to try now.
That same feeling is occuring now.

I like the steadiness of my emotions AT THIS MOMENT in time.

all I can say is


mmmmmmmm