Thursday, November 12, 2009

To write Love on her arms Day

****!!!***BEFORE YOU IGNORE THIS EVENT OR CLICK NOT ATTENDING, PLEASE READ ON...
***to all of those who keep posting "what is this?" first read on...

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

*****To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recover. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement ♥

****** upload pictures of love written on your arms on November 13th!

"what will this achieve?". It will achieve the goal of people knowing that there are other people out there with the same problem, and/or people who are supporting them with love.

become a fan!

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=180283055427#/pages/TWLOHA-To-Write-Love-On-Her-Arms/207297905122?ref=ts

Join this group!
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=36235764583

there were over 500,000 people who attended to write love on her arms day last year, lets aim for over 1 million people


if you care, place a heart ♥ in your comments!
also invite all your friends!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I would, I have, I will

I would never trade my amazing
friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a
flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less
critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for
eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that
silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my
patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear
friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great
freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I
choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and
if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.



I will walk the beach in a swim
suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves
with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet
set.

They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes
forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And
I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart
has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved
one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets
hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and
understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and
sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect...



I am so blessed to have lived
long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful
laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and
so many have died before their hair could turn silver.



As you get older, it is easier
to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't
question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to
be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I
like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I
am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I
will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about
what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like
it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!



Thank you, Linda, for sending this to me.
Lots of love to you and yours.

Friday, November 06, 2009

in actuality....

I have come a long way from being a complete idiot. Trust me in this statement.

Actually, I know I have a long way to go.


I do not like getting protective of my friends. They are grown up after all. (well... SOME of them are LOL)
I still have this need to try and make people aware of choices.
I think I will just shut up and let them live what they choose.

Sometimes, I get really tired of always being in my head. It is what keeps me on edge of sleep. It keeps me in a solitary state of being and occasionally I peek out at others.
It seems I am always learning SOMETHING.... and I may remember it or choose to forget it. One way or the other I have used the knowledge in my head.


My kids just called and they have the key to the house in their hands :)
VERY excited they are. Zephyr is coming up to stay a week with Toni and Steve. I will not get to see my little love as I am at work and school while he is here.

3 more weeks and I am done. .. with classes for now. I have to figure out how to pay for the rest of my school so I can then pay to take my tests. Then take my test.. ..
a little frustrated. I can work it out.

Turning 50 was rather peaceful. I had a wonderful massage, wore a new dress, grocery shopped, and took my final in A&P. Passed the test and then a few of my classmates and my Friend Linda met me for light dinner and a drink at Uncle Julio's. I received the most beautiful and heartwarming card from my Momma.

Some events will always stay in my mind.

I am missing my son. Not sure why so deeply right now but I do. I am very proud of him. Very. He has shown great independence and movement forward in his choice. He may not see events as that now, later he will.

I am fine on my own these days. Emotionally peaceful. Still learning of my attitude though.

In actuality there may be struggles, but peace at heart is where I am at.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Monday, October 19, 2009

visiting family

LOL
Yep! Noisy.
LOADS of laughter and little ones running around. Got to see and do a massage on my cousin Janita while I was there.
I like Jacque's little Kia Soul. Kinda envious of it in a way.
:)
Both Sisters made hamburgers and I was VERY full when I went home. Jambalaya had a BLAST playing with all the doggies. He was so tired when we went home he slept in the car. Ate his dinner. Then went to sleep for the rest of the night.

Gotta love the kid

Sunday, October 18, 2009

it's ALL good

Yesterday was my middle sister's, Annavee, birthday.
Today is my baby sister's, Jacqueline, birthday.
Tuesday is my birthday.

Like we have done in the past.. we are celebrating our birthdays together. Today. Family and friends will gather.
I have invites only 2 people. My ex-husband, Steve, and his wife, Toni.
Yes.. I do enjoy their company. ESPECIALLY since we all share a common concern. Our children and grandson. Toni actually has 2 other grandchildren and I like seeing pictures of them too.
I don't have many CLOSE CLOSE CLOSE friends that I can invite. I would like to and part of my writing today deals with this.
It is ALL good. I know the friendship of people is a delicate thing. I enjoy so many in my life but there is the thing to recognize that everyone has a schedule. Maybe later today I will make it down to Lee Harvey's for the Puppy Prom and get to take Jambalaya :)
THAT would be awesome! (It's a burner thing you see) It is actually an event that is being put on to seek assistance for animals that need medical attention and no one can afford it or they are at the SPCA. It would be nice to be out with other people and my dog gets to attend. Actually he has learned he can scare people when he barks at them. :(
He is really a sweet heart but turning 2 he is becoming slightly protective/and is scared about it/ when meeting new beings. He loves to play. Trouble (my grand-dog) loves to play with Jambalaya!
I really enjoy taking him places with me. He loves kids. Especially Zephyr. :) Zephyr and him play chase, tag, roll around, and sometimes Jambalaya acts like a horse for Zephyr. That won't last for long as Zephyr is a tall 2 & 3/4 year old now. Jambalaya hears a child's voice or laughter and he looks for the child. Anxious to see if it is Z.

I love my family and miss seeing them. As soon as I get the school thing done and license in hand, I want to take a trip to FL to visit my son. I miss him dearly and I am SO very proud of him. He is attending college in FL and getting his degree in Network Engineering.
There is also the friends I have made in the DFW Burner community that always make me smile when I see them or read about their activities. They LOVE to go camping. This is something I have loved from childhood. Daddy would load us up and off we would go. Of course we usually got there late and set up camp by car lights :)
Now I can set up my gear without light or help but have never been lacking in assitance when I camp with burners. Sure, I do go off by myself sometimes. Need that occasionally. I like camping out with lots of people though.

So... today, I am going over to my sister's home. Annavee and Jacque live next door to each other which is convienent :) and we will all go to Jacque's house. My niece, her faince and his sone, My Momma and StepDad... and several of my sisters friends, and my cousin Janita will be there :) I do miss Pooka. (horable nickname isn't it? LOL) Steve and Toni ( I hope ) will come too. Momma and my sisters miss them also. It has been a long row to get to a level of comfort with Steve and myself. I am SO glad it has though. I never meant for our marriage to end with anger or hurts. I love getting to hear from the kids that "Dad...." and all. It makes me so happy that my kids can have a great relationship with all of us. It's important to me.

I can still see how beautiful Amanda looked as Steve gave her away at her wedding. I do wish that my parents had been in a dpot that my Momma had been able to feel comfortable enough to come to the wedding even though my Dad was there, too. I understand. I am so happy that Steve grew past his issues with me though and showed calmness. My Dad however doesn't make it easy at all after his divorce from my Mother.

That makes me sad at times. I know it is a different generation. I know it is different people.

Okay.. So now I am waiting for 8:30 am to call Jacque to sing to her for her birthday. I do this every year with my family on their days... except I usually call at midnight to be "first". LOL
Jacque turns her phone off until she wakes up :)
Smart woman.

Yesterday.. I worded at the Spa in the school. Had a great busy day. I always get compliments from the clients. Mine (for several years) that have been kind enough to assit in the internship and patience in waiting for me to complete my schoolong before I work again. I thing getting a massage from me for $35 is a great incentive as my normal prices do return upon licensure. :) All Good.
One lady yesterday damn near had me blushing :) She was very pleased at her massage and the pressure. I enjoy what I do. Have for over 32 years. I am really looking forward to never being a technician again. I will play with my computers when I want to. I will not be "fixing mistakes" for others.
Healing is so very different at heart. The massage not only relaxes a body but it helps the body to heal. I get to feeling very energized after each one.
I feel right and positive every time I do a massage. It is ALL good for me.

I know I wanted to write. I started my chimenea though and the smell is calling outside this morning :) I do wish my kids could be here for the party. It would make my year. I look forward to eventually being in Austin, though. I like that area. Maybe I will stay with amanda and Jordan in the new home they are buying (only for a SHORT while though). I will need a little time to locate where I want to live. I have become to independant to live with someone for long though.
I look forward to a trip to FL. I have never been there and it will be fun to see Jas and his pet, Iszume (a ferret that I am sure I am mis-spelling her name on), along with seeing his world there. I want to be able to afford more time to see him or help when I can.

I miss my friend, Robin. She goes aroung and about with me often. Joe is such a wonderful friend too. He has great patience and great advice for me. Next Friday we are going out for my after birthday dinner :) I wonder where we are going this year? I am uber excited about it :)
I do not get to see Linda as often with my school and her teaching... even though we live in the same complex... times are on opposites when we walk the dogs now.
She is doing well and I am happy for her teaching again. I miss some of the folks I once new. I look forward to meeting the ones I don't know yet, too.

50... hmm. Not bad at all. :)
I am sure I will be writing more. I like to reminisce at times.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Myschievia

gathering in the woods from miles around. raining gently and cold.

MUD... the whole dang road is mud. Red Texas clay mud.... the time you think you have the vehicle in control....OH no.. sliding towards that tree... missed it!
Leaving the playa field was no easy task either... but I listened well to instructions and was able to make it out. 1 Stop only near the gate.... it is a HUGE mud hole and the tractor is feverishly trying to lay gravel for traction.

Guys if you can read this stay to the RIGHT as you leave! DO go through the little grove of trees on the green island or you will not make it out.

I miss my truck but honestly feel that because I had a little car, I fared better in my departure than most will be doing. It will be a hard thing for most to get the trucks out that are stuck in mud up to the axle.

For those that are not burners... you will think what a crazy thing to do. Burners will grin and say "best burn EVER!" an smile and laugh playing in the mud. It was cold. not freezing.. but cold. Costuming was more towards the warm style this time. LOTS of fleece. Camp Lickitty Split... normally called Lick N Suck.... was kinda small this year. Flash, SA, KB, myself , my friend Robin, Matt and Susan..... the "big ass" smoker with a "Use Me" sign on it.
Lick N Suck is known for feeding hundreds of people some of the MOST wonderful, delicious, tenderest briskets in Texas. (Yes SA.. you CAN cook!) This is a much smaller version this year.. hence Licketty Split.
Kitty Kat Kamp was next to my tent and SA's truck. Odd hearing people at all hours meow-ing around.
30 of them doing that at once is rather intense and giggly :)

Robin even went with Lurko to flatten things. LOL

I wore costuming that were warm. Robin and I had stopped at a Goodwill and found cute costuming in the form of a white Vera Wang robe for Robin. I found a yellow robe with green frogs on it! Looks great with a rainbow cowboy hat, yellow skirt and a velvet long sleeved top :)
Oh yeah the top is also Rainbow coloured :) Psychedelic frog woman :)
We camped at the field for the burn. Kinda soggy. Yes my little ford focus did get stuck: Thank goodness for Lurko and Eric and a couple more guys that hauled my car out and placed me into a stable area of grass. Load up a wheel barrow for 5 trips to move the gear from the car to "home".
Set up and eating dinner in 2 hours. It was a tad of a challenge since the mud kinda hid some weird footings :) Hugged the guys for the assistance... damn.. oh well... muddy from head to foot already :)
hehehe No freezing showers for me this year tho :)
Baby Wipes are kick if you warm them in hot water in a bag :) I hope to remember that next year :)

Wandering around and saying hello to peeps I have not seen in 2 years. Wonderful laughter, hugs, jumps joy and screams of "OH my God you MADE it! Where have you been? How's your grandson and kids? What's new besides overwork and school?"
Burners are the strangest and most endearing hearts I have ever known. There are kids
(because I am 2 times their ages) helping me out with setting up the tent and hauling stuff... then we find someone else that just arrives and help them out... and on and on and on...
Friday night is getting ready for tomorrow. Saturday Night is the effigy burn :)

It was the most beautiful effigy I have seen yet at Myschievia. Stunningly beautiful.

It was a wooden HUGE flower pot.. FILLED with flowers of this world and other worlds. Music is now playing across the playa field as the "space ship" is built for our DJ's.
Flipsides "Freak" was rebuilt and will burn tonight. I would have loved to have stayed another night to see it and be with like minded folks....
No.... I did not take pictures this time. Raining. It is hard to take pictures and get everyone's permission to have the pictures taken. It would not have done the burn justice either.
The glow poi procession was stunning.
The fire poi was totally HOT! Several ways :) Such grace the spinners have with this.... gently misting rain failing as the fire is twirled and flung and danced across bodies, poi, staffs and hoops.
Great food... laughter, talking, hugs, yelling and more laughter.
The effigy burned well and clean... all the way to the afternoon that Robin and I were leaving.

I have missed you all and it was GOOD to arrive home again at Myschievia.

hehehe...Kinda hard to imagine that I could be heard across the playa .. banshee yell wailing out at the spinners... people trying to find me from the sounds. A few could weave through the crowd enough to locate me.. and again I was surrounded with great big hugs and laughter... always laughter.

Marty... I missed you being at Myschievia with me. MH would not know what to do but I bet it would be a blast to see her at the burn :)
It was wonderful to be able to be seen, heard laughing, and hugged until I was warmed.
Robin thanks for going with me on the adventure. You will be a fine burner.
To young Rob... THANKS for fixing my neck. It feels much better. I am looking forward to meeting up for coffee... or I will just walk into WFM and gain a hug and a rub real quick very soon:)
You can still get your license :) you are good!

Regina.. I am so sad to not see your Mom but I am well pleased that the decision was to have the kid stayed home. That goes for you too, Danielle! It would not have been good for the kiddo's this time. I did get a hug from SubZero (Is that the burner name?) and he took a picture of Robin and I sitting on SA. Let me know what you think of SA's picture :)

I have missed the time to simply be without question. No one expecting me to act a particular way.. or that my clothes looked weird... or that I laughed loud a lot :)
When Z is older... maybe he will want to go and see one day :)

It was not a huge crowd... but we are all family while there. Looking out for each other and noticing when there are difficulties. We all help.

Hey Lurko.... did you get that pig?

Friday, September 25, 2009

All the Single Babies!!

Kudo's to the parents! Keep on dancing little one!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Tank

They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie as I looked at him lying in his pen. the shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.
But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes, and a sealed letter from his previous owner. See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

For some reason, his stuff (except for the tennis balls - he wouldn't go anywhere without two stuffed in his mouth) got tossed in with all of my other unpacked boxes. I guess I didn't really think he'd need all his old stuff, that I'd get him new things once he settled in. but it became pretty clear pretty soon that he wasn't going to.

I tried the normal commands the shelter told me he knew, ones like "sit" and "stay" and "come" and "heel," and he'd follow them - when he felt like it. He never really seemed to listen when I called his name - sure, he'd look in my direction after the fourth of fifth time I said it, but then he'd just go back to doing whatever. When I'd ask again, you could almost see him sigh and then grudgingly obey.

This just wasn't going to work. He chewed a couple shoes and some unpacked boxes. I was a little too stern with him and he resented it, I could tell. The friction got so bad that I couldn't wait for the two weeks to be up, and when it was, I was in full-on search mode for my cellphone amid all of my unpacked stuff. I remembered leaving it on the stack of boxes for the guest room, but I also mumbled, rather cynically, that the "dog probably hid it on me."

Finally I found it, but before I could punch up the shelter's number, I also found his pad and other toys from the shelter.. I tossed the pad in Reggie's direction and he snuffed it and wagged, some of the most enthusiasm I'd seen since bringing him home. But then I called, "Hey, Reggie, you like that? Come here and I'll give you a treat." Instead, he sort of glanced in my direction - maybe "glared" is more accurate - and then gave a discontented sigh and flopped down. With his back to me.

Well, that's not going to do it either, I thought. And I punched the shelter phone number.

But I hung up when I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that, too. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has any advice.".........


To Whoever Gets My Dog: Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it. If you're reading this, it means I just got back from my last car ride with my Lab after dropping him off at the shelter. He knew something was different. I have packed up his pad and toys before and set them by the back door before a trip, but this time... it's like he knew something was wrong. And something is wrong... which is why I have to go to try to make it right.
So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

First, he loves tennis balls. the more the merrier. Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hordes them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it yet. Doesn't matter where you throw them, he'll bound after it, so be careful - really don't do it by any roads. I made that mistake once, and it almost cost him dearly.

Next, commands. Maybe the shelter staff already told you, but I'll go over them again: Reggie knows the obvious ones - "sit," "stay," "come," "heel." He knows hand signals: "back" to turn around and go back when you put your hand straight up; and "over" if you put your hand out right or left. "Shake" for shaking water off, and "paw" for a high-five. He does "down" when he feels like lying down - I bet you could work on that with him some more. He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.

I trained Reggie with small food treats. Nothing opens his ears like little pieces of hot dog.

Feeding schedule: twice a day, once about seven in the morning, and again at six in the evening. Regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

He's up on his shots. Call the clinic on 9th Street and update his info with yours; they'll make sure to send you reminders for when he's due. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car - I don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.

Finally, give him some time. I've never been married, so it's only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

Which means that this transition is going to be hard, with him going to live with someone new.

And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you....

His name's not Reggie.

I don't know what made me do it, but when I dropped him off at the shelter, I told them his name was Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. but I just couldn't bear to give them his real name. For me to do that, it seemed so final, that handing him over to the shelter was as good as me admitting that I'd never see him again. And if I end up coming back, getting him, and tearing up this letter, it means everything's fine. But if someone else is reading it, well... well it means that his new owner should know his real name. It'll help you bond with him. Who knows, maybe you'll even notice a change in his demeanor if he's been giving you problems.

His real name is Tank.

Because that is what I drive.

Again, if you're reading this and you're from the area, maybe my name has been on the news. I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. See, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank with... and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq , that they make one phone call the the shelter... in the "event"... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my colonel is a dog guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his word.

Well, this letter is getting to downright depressing, even though, frankly, I'm just writing it for my dog. I couldn't imagine if I was writing it for a wife and kids and family. but still, Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family.
And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.
That unconditional love from a dog is what I took with me to Iraq as an inspiration to do something selfless, to protect innocent people from those who would do terrible things... and to keep those terrible people from coming over here. If I had to give up Tank in order to do it, I am glad to have done so. He was my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.
All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. I don't think I'll say another good-bye to Tank, though. I cried too much the first time. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.
Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night - from me.

Thank you, Paul Mallory
_____________________________________



I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.

I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.

"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.

The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

"C'mere boy."

He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't heard in months.

"Tank," I whispered.

His tail swished.

I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him.
"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek. "So whatdaya say we play some ball? His ears perked again. "Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?" Tank tore from my hands and disappeared in the next room.

And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

I'm mad as hell...... and I won't take it anymore!

it simply amazes me.
I know I have a temper when I am totally frustrated. It gets me nowhere... literally.

3 or 4 weeks ago I held an adorable little boy named Lane. He will become my step grand nephew next year when Chandra marries Joel. (now THAT is exciting news!)
Lane had some stuff on his clothes that no one knew about.

Poison Ivy oil

me who is TOTALLY reactive to it ended up with a serious case of infection from the stuff on my left arm.
Good thing it was the left so I can write and do other stuff right handed.

The poison ivy is now gone
and

I ended up with an infection in the lymph nodes around my left ear and my neck. It hurts to talk, eat, smile, laugh, turn my head, sleep.... anything.
Yeah, I know..... stop picking up children you say! BAH
Look at what the metaphysical association means... Yeah I tell people this often and it is pissing me off at the moment.

I have missed 2 classes and 2 tests due to the "stuff" as I realized I cannot drive. I almost ran over a person on a bike. I hate pain medications and my ear has me so off balance that Jamba is having the time of his life dragging me out on the sidewalk and grass.
I thought I could walk upright.
I cannot focus long enough to even read or talk on a phone.. or type. This is the fourth attempt at writing my frustrations out.

I have missed work and do not have the time in PTO to use... so it goes unpaid. UNless my boss allows me to work an hour early each day adn work through lunch to work the time bank into a positive balance again.

I want to see my grandson, my children, my momma and my sisters... I cannot drive.
So I arranged some time to do readings and try to catch up in advance on homework.

I feel like it is gonna kill me.
I sleep for 2 hours at a time and wait for anger to subside. I dislike intensely not being able or physically available to "do things on my own".

Yep folks... I am PISSY.

I do not like this aspect of my personality.
It is only aimed at me though. I do not aim it outwards at all.

Funny thing is... with my ear hurting so much.. I talk a little funny. There was a man at my office who today asked me if I was from Australia. He said I sound a lot like the people his daughter stays with in Austraila. odd. Not moving my jaw gives me an accent.
LOL
at least I can smile on the inside....

Monday, June 08, 2009

life frustrations bring clearer understanding????

Amazingly... trying to make major changes and the determination to succeed is hampered by equipment failure!

I wonder how long my patience is gonna last with trials.

My dad and step-mom came to visit for a brief time. They gave me $100 to help with a battery.
I choose to buy food since I had not been able to buy food for 3 weeks. I woke up this morning and the truck won;t start.
looks like the battery bit the dust or maybe threw up on my truck innerds. Some acid is across teh radiator.
The Alternator has gone out. The water pump needs replacement too.
BUT because I bought food instead of a battery I now will be walking or riding my bike. Which is not all that bad of a thing.
Except I still have to make the truck payments...

I don;t really understand WHY all is going south at this time.

I am frustrated as hell.

I will be riding the bike to work and home and to class. I have not figured out how in the hell I will be able to carry my gear bag on it though for class. Every night I have to bring in equip to do class massages and books for class. That is about 40 lbs of gear.
I think I can do it so I have to try.
It will be the timing I worry about. I cannot afford to be late. I can't afford the make up classes or have low grades.

Please... someone just tell me it will be okay????

I hate crying

Sunday, May 31, 2009

too long a time...and too short in memory

wow...almost the whole month and nothing written? Well except for my thrilling time with My Wonder-boy grandson Zephyr's visit.

My bestest friend Marty and his amazing wife MyeoungHee were here to visit, too. I got to meet the twin granddaughters of said bestest friend, and see his family again. Missed some of the people (then again a man with 6 other siblings...hard to notice you missed SOMEONE at times :)

My son, Jason is amazingly entertaining! I adore him and always have. He is doing well in school and I refuse to worry!
My daughter and her family are doing well.
My niece is engaged! Yep! She is well also.

Get this... my DADDY made a Facebook account! My Step Dad closed his...guess I should have not inundated him with the little "games".
Momma still refuses to use anything dealing with a computer :)


I am so glad to have gotten to see Marty and meet MyeoungHee. I miss my bestest friend deeply. One of the EASIEST relationships I have. Literally NO JUDGMENTS....just patience and understanding in how we grow up.

I am finally getting better after a serious issue with bronchitis. I guess I should have admitted to my boss that I was to be confined for 3 days minimum when I went to the doctor. Damn ego I have. "I can do it!" will eventually kick my tail end if I do not listen to the PAID FOR ADVICE next time. LOL Ah heck...aren't I still invincible?

So my last 3 days have been sleeping and numbly taking medications. I sort of remember that to change the channel on TV became hard to do and I slept through some odd programs which incited several odd dreams.

I got to talk to Z on the webcam last night! He had a rough day with attitudes of a 2 year old and was kinda not looking forward to bed ;) imagine that. LOL


I have been attending School to get the massage license in order. It is kinda difficult at times to deal with work all day then school for 4 hours each night. Weekends are for homework that I did not get finished with during the week. I can't stay up till 2 anymore and make it to work and make it to school. Thank goodness Linda watches my dog while I go to school so he isn't in a kennel all the time.
I did get a different job before the previous company I was working for moved to Boston, MA. It is REALLY close to home... thank goodness. My truck is really needing repairs and there is no way I can afford it. Bike is gonna be handy very soon. I wish I could ride it today to test my timing to the job and then to home and then to school at night. Both are very close to home.

It is interesting to note that even though I do not make what I used to make I can make ends meet...barely. But I can.

I am very grateful for what I have and for what I do not have. Very grateful.

There are a few more of my old acquaintances that I have started talking to again by email or IM chats.
I think I am catching up to life a little. Almost 1 year in retrospect has done me well.

I have decided that once I have my license in order again I am going to move to Austin. HOPEFUL that I can convince Jason to move home to TX after he graduates college, too!
Yes, I am selfish :) I accept I love my children and want them around me.... The only desire to go to FL is in order to see my son.
I don't want to be swallowed into Amanda and Jordan's life, either. Austin I have always adored. I wish I had not been so hung up on other things and had taken my chances with Leslie when that avenue was available.

God how I do miss him.
Sad to realize how afraid I was to allow someone to be in my life because they loved me and I loved them.
You are ALWAYS deserving of love. Everyone is.


So now I am stuck in an apartment looking at beautiful skies and I cannot go outside just yet.
I have to study and that is good. I want to play and I can't just yet.
Hopefully, after this coming week, I can ride my bike back and forth and time test. Then I can park the truck and not worry about being late to work or school. I will worry about fixing the truck later on.

Eventually, I will have another 3 old bills paid off and then be debt free. I look forward to it actually.

I guess I am still lacking O2 in my body as I feel the strong need of a nap. I did manage to walk Jambalaya today around the complex 1 time without having to rest. It has really SUCKED this week. Thank goodness for Linda. She took him on a long walk yesterday afternoon.

Maybe I am just needing to sleep a little more period. At least I can breath without wheezing myself into wakefulness.
Oh, and Jacque..... THANK YOU for the humidifier as it was a great help! JUST what the doctor told me to get.

okay. Nappage sounds yummy now.
later!

Friday, May 08, 2009

Vacation Time!

I am SO excited to be on my way to a fabulous vacation time for a whole week. This includes time with Zephyr (my littlest love of my life) and time with My very bestest friend Marty. I get to meet his wife, MyeoungHee, and I think it will be a fantastic time!
I get to be at Tt's graduation party too! (Tt is Marty's youngest daughter who is graduating from College!) I will also HOPEFULLY get to meet the twins Jilly and Jenna (o m goodness they are SO cute!) and introduce Zephyr to them too!

I plan on takling Zephyr rock climbing and a train ride. Films to follow for sure!
Hopefully I can take Marty and MyeoungHee to a bar named "The Lift" (in Uptown). A gentleman that I knew from Childhood is the manager/owner there. Been many years since I have seen Tim. LOL He said he had run into my Daddy off and on over the last 20 years. How funny that Daddy never mentioned it. :) Ah well, Tim has not seen me since I was 9 I think.... LONG time ago. Is okay... bet I can out run him now :)

So for a week if you need to talk to me... you had better call.
No computer will be on!

WOOT TOOT TADAH!!!

NEXT year plan: South Korea for me! Maybe even Punta Cana...

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Witch's Rune

awesomely wonderful and peaceful feeling to me.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

no matter where

I seem to always find myself. Sometimes lost and unsure of the next step. I have discovered that if I close my eyes, breathe deeply, relax, and let my desire to control events subside... all is calm and happy inside.

Most the time this works. But I tell you what....drivers that are aggressive with a vehicle I would LOVE to shoot out a tire on. Yes. I almost got run over in a PARKING garage this morning.

So with that said....
I love being in school learning something I want to learn.
It feels right. I am working on getting totally out of the Technology side of life. It is so not emotionally fulfilling.

Having my massage license in order is paramount to my moving towards Austin. Yep...I can't stand it. I want to be near my grandson and hopefully near another grandchild that may come to be in the future. I want to go to more outdoor rock climbing locations. I love Austin.

I have had enough wiht the hurts of Dallas and look forward to having time to play occasionally...sometime in my life. I have a very select few wonderful friends...REAL friends in Dallas. Already know they would not mind coming to Austin on their travels.
There are a lot of thinking and planning going on here right now.

Main goal": Finish school.
secondary goal : Move

I still will have a time however if Jason finds a lady to love in Florida and starts his family (if they do want kids) there. I can travel faster from Austin to FL than I can from DFW to FL...what is up with that?

otherwise.....

I have rearranged my bedroom adn my living room. I like it. I have dejunked a lot of things and there still seems to be more to dump.

ALL of my 'burn costumes" will be given away or trashed this weekend.
I have had enough of people that are to into partying and not real about the life they choose to live within. When I first started attending burns the atmosphere was very different. I don't mind drinking some...but gosh the IDIOTS that walk around so drunk that they cannot do anything but be an ass... they need to go away.

Had a man on the street the other day ( I was walking Jamba) damn near walk into me... he was walking with eyes closed adn reeked of alcohol.
Idiot.

Then a woman attending one of my classes...at lunch (7 pm at night) went and had drinks. This was 30 minute lunch. She then kept leaning into my arm during class.
BOUNDRY ISSUES. Tonight if she shows up she will be informed I have boundries and prefer she sit behind me not next to me.
Stupid Idiot.

I find that the older I get the less patient I am with outsiders. BM is not even the event it used to be aimed for. I only went to 1 BM in the Reno Desert...it was enough. The concepts and inspiration of having people join in and get along is now needing police and dogs at it. TOO many people that look at the week end or week long party.
I sound pissy and I get the impression I am not done with it.

there is little I find of interest lately except for school, my dog, my family. Yes some friends are family.

No matter where I end up in my demeanor... I know it will be good and right for me.

Yeah I miss loving someone and sharing my life with them..in hopes of a long future.
So far the people I have been involved with were a waste of effort to include in my life.

they do not care unless they can use you for something...anything

So sad to realize the need to isolate oneself is because I chose to change and do right for my health. Sad to know these people will die being an idiot.


wish I could sometimes wipe it from my memory.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

okay.... so I am a tad bit scared.

School starts...there is so little time for me to do all that I have procrastinated to do.

GAWD I wonder where my head is at sometimes.
I admit..for some reason going to school for ANY reason scares me. It is a belief that I will be shown that I do not know what I am talking about... that I am possibly stupid or uncaring or .... whatever.

Not really sure why I doubt that my skills are "less than" since I have actually done massage for 30 years (give or take a couple of years).

I want and need my license for massage therapy to be in great order. I want out of tech work (computers). I finally decided the direction I wanted to take in massage, too. I want to do medical therapy for cancer patients.

Mostly because of Leslie Bavousett. I am one who loves to know you feel better because I have worked with you/on you for healing.

I KNOW I am good at it too
Now I have to (once again) PROVE it to the rest of the world.
This can really frustrate me at time.
Proving myself over and over again.

I am bitchy today and frustrated and scared. My friend, Robin, will not let me run away either!
LOL
as if my bike cannot take me anywhere.... just watch me ride away!
LOL
all in good fun and trying not to worry.

I don't want to give up on this because it is really FOR ME.
no one else.
I can choose to be who or whatever I want to be...but do I have the tenacity to always
strive to learn it the right way????

I know I have intelligence and a very caring heart. WHY do I not believe in me?

okay... here it goes:

grrrrr

that was my Chihuahua moment in time.

Monday, April 13, 2009

lessons learned

Dan Folgerberg had a song titled that.....

Lessons Learned Lyrics

Lessons Learned

You
With the past at your back
And the future unsure
Asked
For the chance to try
Love once more.

Well aware of the consequences
Should the dream fall through
You threw down you last defenses
Wanting to try something new
Wanting to try something new.

You found me
In a sea of confusion
Drifting with the tide
Living
On love that had long since died.

But everytime that I touch you, baby
I feel a little more alive
And I`m reminded how much you`ve
made me
Believe in the love that survives
Believe in the love that survives.

Lessons learned are like
Bridges burned
You only need to cross them but once
Is the knowledge gained
Worth the price of the pain?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?

Borne
On the first warms winds of
Feelings newly found
Fly
But remember
Don`t look down
Take as much as you think you ought to
Give just as much as you can
Don`t forget what your failures have taught you
Or else you`ll learn them all over again
Or else you`ll have to learn them
All over again.

Lessons learned are like
Bridges burned
You only need to cross them but once
Is the knowledge gained
Worth the price of the pain?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?



Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?

Hmmmm.. have I learned yet?
I don't think so as I search for no one.
I am content at just being me alone. I do what I wish when I get the feeling to. I have no other to consider. I did not ask to try to love someone else again. It left me lonely, sad, non trusting again, and angry that there are people that see someone willing to try and they step all over you.

Maybe ONE of these years.



maybe not....

Thursday, March 26, 2009

weather 013

Amanda and Jordan had hail in austin last night!

Monday, March 23, 2009

school days school days

Life is gonna get really timed up soon.
literally
Work is from 8 am-5 pm Monday through Friday.
Class starts at 6 pm and ends at 10 PM Monday through Friday.
homework is somewhere around those and on call phone for work and sleeping and Jambalaya time.

See what I mean?

No more Text messages on my cell. I discontinued it.

Monday, March 16, 2009

boundaries

even something as courteous as a "please" makes a huge difference with me. I smile and say hello with a smile to almost everyone I see. The ones I miss are because I am actively searching for something.
I also find that it is increasingly difficult to even have the time available to do what I need to do, then attempt to do something I want.

Not impatience, my dearest Marty, but actual time constraints.

I know animals take up lots of time. They are child like responsibilities. I also have the responsibility to myself to doing things that are healthy. I have responsibilities of school and paying for it along with wonderful gifts of friends and family support for my efforts.

I don't go out any more. I mean in doing events with acquaintances or dating someone. These are almost beginning to feel like intrusions. I know it sounds weird but it is only the 'feeling' in my body that I am dealing with right now.

I do not assume someone is going to be there (to help in listening to woes , doing things with me or telling me when I am being an ass) but it is nice to be able to ask if someone is willing to take time for me.

THAT is what my rant about time was for.
I am getting to the point that if you don't really want to engage your time or mental thoughts with me..... don't bother searching for me later.

I find the 4 walls I have here rather boring. I enjoy the mind and processing how I can improve on my reactions to emotional reactions is helpful but still rather just "alone". I have been seeing a lot more people of late. The ones that even if I don't talk to them for a while (2-3 months>) all of the sudden contact me....as long as I am not feeling pressured by them for an account of what is happening... I see to do great with!

I am only on a rant and wondering why the heck I am withdrawing so strongly.
I know I have changed a lot mentally and emotionally, recent events had a lot to do with it, but it is time to locate friends to go and do things with.

Do not look for me to sacrifice my time anymore.

I am important to me.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

things that make me go "Hmmmm...."

Some days, you can't help but wonder.

I notice I react oddly to being controlled. Sometimes even thinking I am being maneuvered into a situation I do not want to be in can cause excessive anger.

What is up with that? When did I stop giving the benefit of a doubt? I used to 'allow' emotions to wash on by. Not now. I seem to be unable to stop getting angry. I feel used... not sure where the hell it comes from but MAN it makes me pissy. Dreams are even turmoil-ish and I flip over a lot in bed. Can't stand covers on me cause the covers seem to feel like I am held down in my sleep.
Poor Jambalaya won't even pop up onto the bed with me anymore.

So dreams are the subconsciousness working things out. I felt 'tested' all night.
My neck hurts. Stubbornness? What am I being stubborn about?

I want a good nights sleep.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

going back and forth

I truly LOVE Austin.
I don't even mind the drive down all alone ....most the time.
Jambalaya always goes with me so it makes it nice... he makes me stop at least once to get out and stretch his legs...pee...bark...and then get on the road. He knows the name of Zephyr and Trouble which excites him unbelievably!

It has been awesome riding down with Toni and Steve but that means I can't take Jambalaya because when we do THAT trip...Zephyr comes back with us and there is no room in my big ol' truck for 4 and a dog.
Besides... I think Jamba drollong everywhere kinda makes Toni uncomfortable. I don't blame her a bit!

Last trip to Austin was this past weekend. Checking in on my daughter and the recent miscarriage (subtle checking don't ya know). I took the massage table with me since the kids have not had a massage since they moved to Austin over a year ago.
:) They liked the massages :)

We went out to eat on Sunday to Joe's Crab Shack. Z got to tast some shrimp and scallops, fries and a little fried fish.
He had some of Amanda's garlic and parmesan cheese shrimp..... and I think he tasted some of Jordan's food too! Not remembering what Jordan had at all at this time :) Oh well!
So this means: upset tummy for Z.
Sad to say the little one also had an issue with diaper rash because of the upset tummy.....
Poor Jordan.

Amanda tells me he has washed EVERYTHING in the house a few times now.... Zephyr is (I guess) is now potty training ;)

poor Jordan......
and Poor Zephyr!

Saturday, February 07, 2009

I am sad today for my daughter

Amanda miscarried today.
6 weeks but things happen for the best.


Wednesday, February 04, 2009

no time like the present

no time...I like the present
no .... time is like a present
present? I have time?

how many other ways can you look at your life and determine it is a gift?
what would you be like if you were somehow "different" than expected?

Self Value

there is nothing that can be done of the past. It is the vehicle we ride to get where we are and sometimes where we want to be.
it takes courage and determination to face ones own self. it takes courage and determination to face ones limitations, too.

There is such a thing as "time is not enough". That part is usually created by a deeper need of reliance and accountability, I think.

I'm waiting and wondering when I will have time to play again. To climb again. To ride again. To dance like no body cares or is watching what I do.

Monday, January 26, 2009

kinda a good bad week

learning and frustrations\thinking ya got it down / good deal gone wrong?

all things are possible as long as I hang onto my belief that people really can care about each other without guilt in it all.

right now the writing makes no sense.
right now i find my self amazingly ANGRY at the presumptions that a personality MAKES BEFORE thinking about a situation.
right now i do not wish to see or speak to that personality. she will be dealt with accordingly.

now onto a better life and thought processes

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

pissed at delays

well
probation is not easy to deal with on a new job.
nor is having to back out of school because I have to work late right now.

i talked to the school directors. i am delaying the start of my classes until i get past my probation at work. looks like I start classes in April or I can start again in August. I will continue to pay for the course though so it has a built up bank on it.
that means that once I am ready to test I can without waiting to pay off the school :")

i hate... TOTALLY HATE .... having to delay it.
I took my first class last night there... came home and studied until 2 am...then went to work TIRED as hell and not really focusing on my NEW job.
the lesser of two evils is to protect my NEW job and get a little more stable in it. THEN I will start my school again.
i should still be able to graduate at the end of this year though. the directors talked with me and I can 'double up' on day and night courses once i have vacation time added to my employment.
that way i won't have top wait TOO long ;)

maybe Jambalaya won't be so destructive either by then. i hate having him sit in a kennel for 14 hours then have me come home and study and then bed when I can...
not fair to him at all.

actually it was not fair to ME to stress so much on a new job AND classes.

I have a little time to work it out.
who knows? If the job loses its position then unemployment may pay for my career change :)
still having things in process and limbo I guess.
Right now I am REALLY sad and REALLY tired.


I know I HAVE to keep the kjob for now.
I know I WANT to get my license in order.
I know I can be patient for a little while longer and see how it all settles down.
I know it is mandatory that I stay healthy.
I can still read and gather my books in a slower pace and get the good prices. I did not think I needed to pay for NEW books when there are better savings on USED books.

I am sad at the delays....but the job is important at this time.

fudge....

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

my schedule for a while

*sigh*
I just CAN'T do "nothing" very easily.

Current status after leaving the old job????

New Job started on Monday (1-19-09),
School started NIGHTS on Tuesday (1-20-09)
SO that means I work from 8-5 and school is 6-10. Study at night... hopefully you will all understand if I spend quiet time at home on the weekends?

I really want to thank my friends and family that has assisted me in paying for some of the course I am taking. Time to have my license for massage in order and I am looking forward to it!
I had a DR teaching class tonight. A D.O. and very entertaining as will as interesting. I like the interactiveness of his enthusiasm for massage taking place in the medical world.

All good but I am gonna be rather busy for a while.
Monday through Friday. 8 AM to 10 PM.
Thank goodness Linda is willing to take Jambalaya out of his kennel at night when she can for me.
I feel bad on that.
I come home for lunch now so he gets out after 4 hours in the kennel.
Hopefully he will get less interested in chewing things soon and then he can stay out of the kennel :)

That's all!
.....for now ;)

Monday, January 19, 2009

....and say hello!

Okay!
1 day down... hopefully many more to go!
I was contacted by a recruiter for a position last week.
Interviewed over the phone the next day.
Had face to face interview the day after that.
THEN HIRED!
WHEW!
So now I am a level II Help Desk Analyst for the medical industry again.
I have learned my lesson though and will not post WHO I work for but so far... so good!
It is 10 minutes from the time I walk out my door and then set at my desk. Pretty darn close to the apartment!
I came home at lunch today to walk Jambalaya and he was a little confused on it :)
It is ALWAYS a tad boring to me to "sit and learn how the process goes" but tomorrow I have already told them, will be in my hands.... means I want to touch the apps.
All geek at times ;)

I think it is gonna be okay. Honestly.
The applications are all proprietary so that means no "similar" remembrances of an application.
I found out one of my old co-workers is already ensconced and that was a surprise to me! Dang it.... I cannot be "unknown" this time. ;)

The pay is less than I wanted...but it is great in the closeness to home and school so it all works out to be "even-steven".

Can't really write that much about it now. I DO know that it gets hot up there there so I WON'T be wearing a wool sweater again. There is also a KinderCare daycare in the building so IF I get to have Zephyr during the week and I HAVE to have him in a location for the day... I can do it at the office and he can play with other kids! I have had excellent reports about KinderCare from Shelley and Mark Poole...so no fear with the system. I am upstairs and very close by if that happens.... we will wait for that tho.
Amanda had Z call me tonight! He says " Hi Gran-nie. It's ME!!!! "
He can name almost all of the alphabet with the letters from the fridge and loves to point out stars and moons and plants in the constellation. Amanda tells me the Pediatrician thinks Z will be reading by 3. He can already read his Name Blocks on his wall and then says "ME!!!!" (z-e-p-h-y-r = ME!)
It's a tad scary to think about... he has his colors down, too (mostly) and seems a little more confused on the numbers...but he is only 2. LOL
Oh yeah! He can do a "1 legged" somersault now, too!
OMG...watch out world!

I feel good knowing I am okay as far as my working while I am in school. Soon I will have my license for massage back in order and off I go to enjoy what I love the most.

I am HAPPY!
a good day after all.....

Today

I go to work at a new job and it is SOOOO close to home!
I am excited and pleased. I do miss the people I used to work with and wish them all well.
More tonight....

Tomorrow I start school again!
Guess I do not do "not busy" very well ;)