A newness ARRIVES!

Waiting so long to find myself. My Momma always told me to "get to know CIRCE cause she is someone you're gonna love!"
She is and was correct.
I have discovered some hard truths about myself and am discovering how to balance all of me.
There is excitement at the charge I finally feel in heart. A realization of WHO I PERCEIVE me to be and I love the Dance of Life.
I know where I want to go in my career and my ability to be only responsible for me. I know I have a lot to teach but I still have much to learn.

The first of the year is traditonally the start of new projects. I look at it as the physical reality of what I have been mentally accessing and intergrating into my conscience side. Not always seeing the pitfalls but seeing my goal reached. School will be expensive but it is what I choose to do. I have always told my kids that the best education is what they pay for themselves. They will value the accomplishment more and it will be what THEY choose it to be. I only want to see them complete their goals.

SO...


I am doing this for me, also. I tell it and I can live it.

Newness is here in my perceptions also. There is no anger or blame. There is only my regocnition of what is right for me and my choice is mine alone. Just like everyone elses.
I love you all and know that who I am is as valued as who I was.
I like being a Grandmother. It will be nice to have a child around that plays and can see the world in newness, too.

I value each of you for all of my evolution.

Happy Newness to you all.

conversations with a pregnant daughter :)

[09:34] CRAVogel: Amanda..PLEASE push Zephyr out now?
[09:35] elementalbella: you don't think I haven't been trying?
[09:35] CRAVogel: Adam is having his baby today adn Ahnah was due at the same time you were
[09:35] CRAVogel: LOL
[09:35] elementalbella: NOT FAIR
[09:35] CRAVogel: go walking dear
[09:35] CRAVogel: lots of stairs
[09:35] elementalbella: screw that, I'm doing jumping jacks on the stair well!
[09:35] elementalbella: ;)
[09:36] CRAVogel: I love you
[09:36] elementalbella: love you too
[09:36] CRAVogel: you have just made my co workers laugh
[09:36] elementalbella: ha
[09:37] elementalbella: seriously though...I'm taking Trouble on a walk, er jog...oh...maybe a long distance waddle-dash!
[09:38] CRAVogel: lol
[09:38] CRAVogel: you will do well then
[09:38] elementalbella: maybe I'll bunjee jump...
[09:39] CRAVogel: nah
[09:39] CRAVogel: Baby will not bounce
[09:39] CRAVogel: I promise
[09:39] elementalbella: that'll jerk him out
[09:39] elementalbella: he'll have his own cord too :)
[09:39] elementalbella: it'll be like a Russian layer doll
[09:39] CRAVogel: you are too funny

New home!

I WAS APPROVED FOR A NEW APARTMENT!

I move Jan 13, 2006

I will send out emails soon with the new address. I am excited and looking forward to my privacy. NO need to worry about helping my movement my friends. (that is to those that would assist and care enough to be involved) UMOVEFREE.COM will be moving me :)

It is all good.
I will give all an update when I find out about the new position for my job or if I decide to accept an offer from 1 of 2 companies that have contacted me.

From bad news to unexpected excitement news.

Wow.

a new home comming

Never have I lived alone for long.
A total of 6 months (not congruently either) throughout my 47 years.

I put in an application for a home of my own today. Well, and apartment at least.
1st floor apartment so my friends that cannot walk well can come to see it.
I have clients that cannot climb stairs so they will be able to see me also (or I can travel to you still like I always do). 1st floor so that my sisters can come also.

I will not be far from my daughter so I can help out with my grandson, Zephyr. The kids can come over and wash their clothes and visit me when they wish. I am scared, but excited also.
IF everything goes well I will be moving on Jan 13, 2007. I get to pick Jason up from the airport on that day, too!

My grandson is "expected" to arrive on the 15th (but I think he will be a bit earlier than that date ;) so get ready!

I love this house I am in, but the needs of my soul are requiring quiet and peace. There is not that here. The new apartment is in a quiet area. Not too new so it isn't outrageous in costs.
Got a good deal and the move is through UMOVEFREE.COM which I thought was awesome.

I have had lots of messages of late and all are delivered to me in odd ways.

I wanted a place nearer my daughter (like IN the same complex) but they only have 4 apartments with W/D connections. I want my W/D :). It isn't that far from Amanda at all. I can easily go and pick her up when she needs and I will travel to their home to watch Zephyr when needed. That way the baby isn't stressed and the kids don't have to "pack the world" to go see GranMommie (I am going to teach him that this is my name to be called by) and play. It will be different.
I look forward to being able to play with their animals when I want to.

I am excited.

First step of MY life. MINE. I am only responsible for me and no back-ups to depend on. About time.

I had wanted to live downtown and looked at a LOT of places.
I need trees. I need a walking area of green.
I need to be near Amanda and Jordan. The timing on babysitting is going to be such that it will be a trade off with Amanda.

I have been tolda I can paint the walls to my hearts content and when (OR IF) I move out they will give me the free paint to return it to rights.
I will not have a pet for a while. Maybe not at all. I have to learn to take care of me first.

It sometimes does not make sense on how I do things (according to family) but this is a NEED TO DO FOR ME.
ONLY me.

I have been very stressed of late with all that has occured.
I am tired of having to account to others for my actions.
I do not live under my parent's home anymore and do not enjoy being treated as such. I keep hearing old tapes playing in my head. Old reactions and frustrations of not being able to have someone understand where I am trying to get to.

My niece is going to go over my budget with me (she was a banker for a while) and I am enthused by what she has done in her management of funds.

Time to be on my own.

borrowed

I believe -
. . . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.




remember,
I do love you all.

paradox it seems

This is the stage my Grandson-2-be is at.
Life begins

My longest known friend finds out a time line for himself tomorrow. He has advanced pancreatic and liver cancer that he found out about on Friday, Dec 1, 2006. He had just turned 50.
Life processes and preparation.


I had a friend die today. He was 24, whom I thought was 31 for some reason, and a really nice man. Very family oriented and loving to them. I learned some things and will miss getting to know him more.
Life ended.


My first cousin Rory, single father of four and dealing with Khrons disease (advanced) came home from the VA hospital today to find his home burned to the ground and everything is lost. Including meds. (the twin boys are also on medication for the rest of their life)
No home insurance either.

I am concerned.

Life has a bunch of twists in it.

Faith in processes being what they need to be and by a higher design than what the human can accept.

I am trying to understand this timing.

What Tarot Card are You?

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

how funny is that?
awefully funny if you ask me.

HA!
Princess Amanda, an Empress beats a Princess anytime!
ROTFLMAO

there are distances occuring

and it seems that things have taken a turn for negativity in my interactions with others. I am withdrawing from almost everyone I know at this time. Please be aware it is for MY good to heal.
I have several changes taking effect

Decide if I WILL be able to keep my home where I live.
Marty is moving to Korea and swears he doesn't know who I am anymore. Ask the freaking questions Marty! DO NOT depend on me telling you where I am mentally.

Mark will be very flexible when his mother pases on. He may choose to travel. Seems like that is his desire at this time.

Chandra is independant. I adore my niece and enjoy living with her. I WIll miss her when she chooses to be on her own again.

So here it is folks. Honesty.
No money because of stupid assed decisions.
I had to borrow for my rent. This sucks. I am very capable of living with a very little amount. That may become extremely necessary. My truck is a good amount of room.

This is NOT a threat of actions (to my family) but a realization the I have attempted to help those that needed it when they did not need my help.
I allowed abuse in efforts to feel worthy.


So fuck them all.


I have been by them all that asked for help...favors...needs...
I give way to much. So much that I cannot do for myself.

A little magic and perserverance (magic = meaning my mental faith in myself) should do the trick.

To all that read this:
No Christmas or gifts. Count it wonderful if I can afford to send you a card with well wishes for you and yours.


Later

most recent pictures of me