no matter where

I seem to always find myself. Sometimes lost and unsure of the next step. I have discovered that if I close my eyes, breathe deeply, relax, and let my desire to control events subside... all is calm and happy inside.

Most the time this works. But I tell you what....drivers that are aggressive with a vehicle I would LOVE to shoot out a tire on. Yes. I almost got run over in a PARKING garage this morning.

So with that said....
I love being in school learning something I want to learn.
It feels right. I am working on getting totally out of the Technology side of life. It is so not emotionally fulfilling.

Having my massage license in order is paramount to my moving towards Austin. Yep...I can't stand it. I want to be near my grandson and hopefully near another grandchild that may come to be in the future. I want to go to more outdoor rock climbing locations. I love Austin.

I have had enough wiht the hurts of Dallas and look forward to having time to play occasionally...sometime in my life. I have a very select few wonderful friends...REAL friends in Dallas. Already know they would not mind coming to Austin on their travels.
There are a lot of thinking and planning going on here right now.

Main goal": Finish school.
secondary goal : Move

I still will have a time however if Jason finds a lady to love in Florida and starts his family (if they do want kids) there. I can travel faster from Austin to FL than I can from DFW to FL...what is up with that?

otherwise.....

I have rearranged my bedroom adn my living room. I like it. I have dejunked a lot of things and there still seems to be more to dump.

ALL of my 'burn costumes" will be given away or trashed this weekend.
I have had enough of people that are to into partying and not real about the life they choose to live within. When I first started attending burns the atmosphere was very different. I don't mind drinking some...but gosh the IDIOTS that walk around so drunk that they cannot do anything but be an ass... they need to go away.

Had a man on the street the other day ( I was walking Jamba) damn near walk into me... he was walking with eyes closed adn reeked of alcohol.
Idiot.

Then a woman attending one of my classes...at lunch (7 pm at night) went and had drinks. This was 30 minute lunch. She then kept leaning into my arm during class.
BOUNDRY ISSUES. Tonight if she shows up she will be informed I have boundries and prefer she sit behind me not next to me.
Stupid Idiot.

I find that the older I get the less patient I am with outsiders. BM is not even the event it used to be aimed for. I only went to 1 BM in the Reno Desert...it was enough. The concepts and inspiration of having people join in and get along is now needing police and dogs at it. TOO many people that look at the week end or week long party.
I sound pissy and I get the impression I am not done with it.

there is little I find of interest lately except for school, my dog, my family. Yes some friends are family.

No matter where I end up in my demeanor... I know it will be good and right for me.

Yeah I miss loving someone and sharing my life with them..in hopes of a long future.
So far the people I have been involved with were a waste of effort to include in my life.

they do not care unless they can use you for something...anything

So sad to realize the need to isolate oneself is because I chose to change and do right for my health. Sad to know these people will die being an idiot.


wish I could sometimes wipe it from my memory.

okay.... so I am a tad bit scared.

School starts...there is so little time for me to do all that I have procrastinated to do.

GAWD I wonder where my head is at sometimes.
I admit..for some reason going to school for ANY reason scares me. It is a belief that I will be shown that I do not know what I am talking about... that I am possibly stupid or uncaring or .... whatever.

Not really sure why I doubt that my skills are "less than" since I have actually done massage for 30 years (give or take a couple of years).

I want and need my license for massage therapy to be in great order. I want out of tech work (computers). I finally decided the direction I wanted to take in massage, too. I want to do medical therapy for cancer patients.

Mostly because of Leslie Bavousett. I am one who loves to know you feel better because I have worked with you/on you for healing.

I KNOW I am good at it too
Now I have to (once again) PROVE it to the rest of the world.
This can really frustrate me at time.
Proving myself over and over again.

I am bitchy today and frustrated and scared. My friend, Robin, will not let me run away either!
LOL
as if my bike cannot take me anywhere.... just watch me ride away!
LOL
all in good fun and trying not to worry.

I don't want to give up on this because it is really FOR ME.
no one else.
I can choose to be who or whatever I want to be...but do I have the tenacity to always
strive to learn it the right way????

I know I have intelligence and a very caring heart. WHY do I not believe in me?

okay... here it goes:

grrrrr

that was my Chihuahua moment in time.

lessons learned

Dan Folgerberg had a song titled that.....

Lessons Learned Lyrics

Lessons Learned

You
With the past at your back
And the future unsure
Asked
For the chance to try
Love once more.

Well aware of the consequences
Should the dream fall through
You threw down you last defenses
Wanting to try something new
Wanting to try something new.

You found me
In a sea of confusion
Drifting with the tide
Living
On love that had long since died.

But everytime that I touch you, baby
I feel a little more alive
And I`m reminded how much you`ve
made me
Believe in the love that survives
Believe in the love that survives.

Lessons learned are like
Bridges burned
You only need to cross them but once
Is the knowledge gained
Worth the price of the pain?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?

Borne
On the first warms winds of
Feelings newly found
Fly
But remember
Don`t look down
Take as much as you think you ought to
Give just as much as you can
Don`t forget what your failures have taught you
Or else you`ll learn them all over again
Or else you`ll have to learn them
All over again.

Lessons learned are like
Bridges burned
You only need to cross them but once
Is the knowledge gained
Worth the price of the pain?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?



Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?

Hmmmm.. have I learned yet?
I don't think so as I search for no one.
I am content at just being me alone. I do what I wish when I get the feeling to. I have no other to consider. I did not ask to try to love someone else again. It left me lonely, sad, non trusting again, and angry that there are people that see someone willing to try and they step all over you.

Maybe ONE of these years.



maybe not....