Uncle Leroy Adney

May you rest peacefully.
You passed on 5/29/06 @ 4:30 PM after a stroke 3 days ago.
I got the call from my Daddy.

I remember such wonderful childhood 4th of July celebrations. The truckbed was loaded with all kinds of fireworks! Watching you balance on your finger tips like a table while letting all of the kids try to make you fall. Listening to you preach when it wasn't welcomed....but I loved you anyway.

You were the last of my Daddy's brothers. He has only his sister Aunt Neat and his Uncle Jay (my great uncle of 98) left now. There are cousins a plenty...but these are the LAST of the adults that tried to teach us 'things'.

You landed on Normandy on D-Day. YOU took the time to teach me how to shoot a gun behind my Daddy's wishes too.

May you find your friends from the wars waiting for you.
May you find your belief in God was as strong as you needed to be by your saviours side.

Rest in Peace Uncle Leroy.

Silent peace

oh yeah

another blog I have running:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=31104548

it states today:
" another thing happened as I was walking across the floor "

damn it

i was almost completely healthy and now THIS

i walked across a friends apartment floor...wood floors and they are lacquered (not well, but there is a finish) ...and decided it was time to resurface his homes flooring. So what is a friend to do but remove the flooring to assist her friend in the ultimate goal.

a new floor

i just forgot to use any tools or wear shoes so I had a massive piece of wood in my foot.

very very very very painful

I tried to remove it...my friend tried to remove...no luck. i tried later that evenig and thought I had gotten most of it out.



WRONG WRONG WRONG



I woke up this morning and my foot is swollen and red. PAINFULLY so. not much sleep last night either. PAINFULLY so.

I went into work and figured I could hit PrimaCare for lunch.

HA! It was throbbing by 8 am. I stayed at work for as long as I could and decided to hell with it cause I am SERIOUSLY in pain.

my 'boss' askes me 'Do you need to go right now?"

I waited until there was plenty of coverage. I need to go NOW.

I ended up having PrimaCare dig on my foot for almost 1.5 hours. then I was refered to the hospital. The hospital will only refer me to a surgeon. Same thing with the SECOND hospital...refer only to a surgeon.

DAMMIT I HAVE A PPO! I don't need referrals. I need the sad piece of wood OUT of my foot!!!

SO I remembered the doc that fixed my toe: he took me in and removed the offending object.

Mind you...it hurt like hell....but he did manage to get a painkiller into my foot pad....FROM THE TOP SIDE OF MY FOOT!

Can we say... (add anything you wish at this moment)

It was not as painful as when they kept trying to shoot the stuff in to the canyon everyone was making in my foot.

FINALLY it's numb! Dr Koriekipen got out a 1/4" long thumb tac. It isn't a normal splinter. Remember...I was attempting to resurface his floor.

Now I can't get my foot wet for a week...nor can I climb...nor can I bike... and I am on CRUTCHES for goodness sakes...so walking is a tad limited too.

Dang it Amanda...you must be right for once ;)
~~~~~~~~~```

Now...is EVERYONE caught up?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

matters not

i am here today
tomorrow there is no promise
patience they say and you will find your way
to those places? it matters not

busy at nothing day

have bike will travel :)
same old Circe on the ride again.
Came into work and I think I am the only one here.
I am bored as hell and pissed off about it too.

GREAT attitude don't ya think?

i carried my bike with me today. I plan on riding at lunch adn after work.
Time to get the fat off the ugly.

It is already hot outside but I really don't care.

I am supposed to go spend time with a girlfriend and her daughter (and friends) on a rooftop tomorrow to swim

I don't feel like it anymore.
guess i had better call her about it too.
sigh

so hopefully it will be a fine time in the woods today.
Since I have tomorrow off.....maybe I need ot go camping instead?

YEAH!
That sounds like more fun!
I may go see if I can borrow Pahsha from the vet for a trip.....who knows...maybe I drive to Colorado for the day?
nah.... to far...but I can go to Tyler or to Cleburn.

good trails there too.


Hope you all have a fantastic holiday!

Drama.... Say it while waving hands in the air

I stay to freaking much in my head
over analyze and debate on the 'proper way' to deal with an overflow of emotions.
yes....I did talk with the psychologist. She wants me back on the antidepressants. I disagree.
so there.

I have a mental image of myself right now that is scary. I use the blog to write out frustrations, hopes, and joys.
to announce great news of joy.
sometimes just so that my kids know where I am at.

a dear friend has told me before that I am way to hard on myself.
I guess so. Fortunately I would rather destroy myself than give another man a chance to do it.

sorry for all I put my family through.

learning HOW to categorize and masticize my inner conflicts and seeing the levels of unworthiness I feel about myself are hard.

I must still be broken.

don't worry Amanda...I promise not to influence the babies. Or I will try not to at least. ;) well maybe a little.

I have been riding my bike again. The feel of the trees and the sounds of the leaves as you go through the paths of trails.....The feel of drawing in a breath and looking ahead for the next bend or dip. Marty and I rode at a park we had not been to in a year. It is an easy trail but has good technical twists at the beginning.
looking forward to when I can ride quickly through them again. Need more practice.

I have been getting back to massages since the doc says it is okay now. Chest is feeling pretty good. I have attempted to climb some...Not successfully but it will take some time to get the tendons and facia to behave. It is much better though.

I may get to have complete weekends off soon. I hope so. It has been a year since I worked Monday's through Friday's. Schedule changes:)

while the drama is going in on my head please realize that I am not going to be physically available for much visiting.

unless my children need me.

I will be biking on Mondays and Wednesdays after work. LB Houston is close to the offices and I get off at a decent time. a few hours each night is good.
climbing is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sure hope the office gets Marty on a day schedule soon. I miss him hanging out and climbing.
Fridays, Saturdays...Massage clients (while I am still not working on Fridays)

Tracy is doing a fantastic job on the mosaic tables at absinthe lounge.
I do not need to be there anymore. She is a really fantastic artist and can bring to life the vision of the tables.

all in all...It is time to be self sufficient again. Independent.

look at me! I can do it 'all by myself'

it's lonely though in the heart.

OMG I finally think I got it

all of this head freak out stuff i have been trying to process isn't anything else but learning how to deal with emotionally unavailable men as friends

only as friends

i can't afford to forget that lesson ever again.
only as friends...always....

nothing more can ever be

oh... and Lefty????

you are right again.
wonder when i will learn

C

emotional

but probably a bit premature. a compainion i have not.
friends do abound in my life and maybe that is all i am supposed to be. i am a bit tired of this heart dance. i hate the pain and the feeling of failure.

i do love....but it is best to forever stay silent on it.

today i truly hurt mentally, emotionally, and if i don't ride my bike right i will hurt physically.

it is okay
i will get through the day

but distance has won


for my children: do not worry sweet babies. i am fine. just closing doors again.

laughing out loud...and then wondering

get this: todays horoscope

Quickie: Keep on going -- you are on the right track and you know it. Confidence is growing.
Overview: Put your money where your mouth is. You're not making a sacrifice when you really believe in your cause. Have some faith in where you're going even if you can't quite see the road ahead.
Daily singles love
If you need to let someone down gently, get it out of the way early while your natural diplomatic skills are peaking. Tonight you'll still be nice, but you may want to move on to other things.
Daily extended
Little by little, your confidence is expanding, and you'll see that more clearly than ever today. People are noticing a change in you, although few of them are secure enough in themselves to tell you how impressed they are by your accomplishments. Others may be holding onto a bit of jealousy, but that's their choice and it really isn't coloring how much they do love you. A family member you don't always agree with is ready to see things your way.


There are many things I am concerned about today. However, I cannot stop nor start anything.
My son and I had a conversation this morning. I love him so very much. He is really accepting of my choices and still continues to love me and his family....even though he is distant from us emotionally and in communications.

Jason....I am PROUD of you. NO MATTER WHAT.
You were my last gift of a child that I brought into the world. I know things are weird right now. Believe in your choices, my HoneyBoy.

Amanda....enjoy this time of pregnancy. It is the MOST amazing and creative thing you will ever experience.


To those that are the closest to my heart
I love you
no matter what


I have to laugh at the depth and swings of my emotions right now. Happens when you tell the doctor/psychatrist that you are no longer wanting to deaden your emotions and they are not to pleased with your decision. But that is the WHOLE IDEA...it is MY decision.

I can deal with the 'hurts' just not sure I do it to everyone else's standards.
Everyone has an opinion, including me.

Other things?
too many

for a 'short blog session' but eventually you will see me around.
Probably in places you didn't expect.

For now...It is Time

to ride
solo

and hit the trails and see what path I choose now.

My little Run-a-way

Nasty habit of wanting distance when I can't make sense of my emotions.

I have a boyfriend. HE said it first. HE describes himself as MY boyfriend. Do you know how weird that is? A good weird but it is something I have not claimed in a while. He started out as a friend. I have no clue where this is gonna go. It 'just is' right now and I accept the timing.

I sound a bit emotionally distant even to myself. A friend called me manic. Another one called me over emotional. That worries me.
I do not really talk about all that is occuring, I try to divert attention to others, I can get through it all eventually.

Too much is emotional at times. I am learning to deal with it though.
I don't really think I am dealing well with it at all.
Emotions
supposed to be a part of your life to really enjoy your living


This is one of the reasons that I got off of the antideppressants. I need to learn how to feel again.
The meds helped a lot in geting past the suicidal wish of 4 years ago. Damn near made it that time :)
Thank you, Nona. Again you directed me well. I do miss you. I do not think you would like me now.

Too confused.

Why is it that confusion makes me distance from everyone?
to mentally hurt myself and degrade myself
to keep myself from deserving?
from wanting?
have NO FUCKING IDEA
all I know is I want to run from pain...from the mental anguish of tryingto figure out where the hell this emotion belongs in my life.

maybe i need to be on the anti's again. I don't want them though
i am tired of being physically limited.

All things from my view

It is a time of great fun and learning. Amanda is getting to learn how to deal within her ideal of what occurs within herself and her faith in creation.
I am amazed at the sense she has of her own inner workings. This will bring a need for her to look into her mind also.
Motherhood is a total concept of self analysis and wonder at how we manage to do so much.

There are many changes occurring in my life right now. I am strongly interested to have myself check out some more schooling and change my career again.
I have discovered more emotions than I had previously even hoped could be discovered.
I am proud of my niece and her taking care of her life and recognizing her ability to succeed through her decisions.
I have been amazed at the nacity of Jason and his attempts to seek good employment.

I adore my life right now.
Love
Growth
Laughter

all is good

For Momma

Every year I write a poem for you , Momma.

The times have been so full of wonder and amazement in learning how to be and all the times you let me get to what I needed to be.

I understand the mirade of emotions you felt when I told you of grandchildren.
The miracle of seeing my baby having a baby/babies.
The remembered fears that only you could put to rest.
The questions I had at ALL hours of the day and your willingness to talk to me about ALL of them.

Momma, for this Mother's Day 2006
THIS is your poem:

There was wonder when I opened my eyes
there you stood above me
reaching with your eyes
your smile
your hands

Finding this small child looking up to you
you never failed to take notice
laughter in your voice
singing with your voice
praising with your voice

I wandered many trails as a small human
you always had the door open
waiting for my questions
giving advice
giving love

Momma
There is no other that carries my heart like you do
generation to generation
I learned how to be human because of you.


Momma.....I hope to be like you
with the small ones that come
and grow
and go


Thank you Momma for teaching me
For believing in me
For being there
being here now
and being who you are.


Circe Rexene
5/12/06

Pirates!

My pirate name is:

Dread Pirate Bonney

Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Aye, there me mates! Was a wee bit o fun trying to see how I fared in the rough seas of bein a Pirate.
Having to expose oneself for all to fear.

:)
My daughter had it on her blog....I copied! I copied! I copied!

hehehe
Let's see how well SHE can make copies :)
hint hint.....
maybe TWINS???

Come talk to yer GranMommie Dread Pirate Bonney my sweetings!

New Status in MY Life

I am informed that I will be a GRANDMOTHER!!!
I am SO totally thrilled for my daughter and Son-in-law Jordan!

I bet there are twins :)

Congrats to my sweet children.

I am TOTALLY thrilled.

I am not here today

ugh

When Pigs Fly...

Circe's Daily Libra Forecast
	Quickie: Take some time to summarize the past few months. Do an inventory on your progress.
	Overview: Some equal and opposite financial impulses are at war right now. You want something shiny and appealing, yet you know that your current means don't allow you to pay for it. Don't make any sudden moves. Wait and hope.
Libra
Daily singles love (by Astrology.com) Sun-Tzu said that sometimes the best way to win is by doing nothing at all. You are in such a position right now, and should find a way to actively sit still until the time is right for action. - Horoscopes by Email - Romantic Compatibility - Dating Do's and Don'ts
Daily extended (by Astrology.com) Looking forward into life is a great way to aim for positive changes, and living in the moment is always good -- but today it's looking back that will offer you the most reward, entertainment and insight. You may think that the past few months were fairly uneventful, but they weren't. Major shifts occurred that you'll only now be able to understand. Time has given you a different perspective on the people you brought into your life, and you will see them in a new light. - Horoscopes by Email - Celebrity Compatibility - Dating Do's and Don'ts

I thought this was funny as all get out. I am in a quandry and I don't like the way I am thinking. When Marty and I were going to Sonic for his Chocolate Malt with DOUBLE chocolate there were all of the great OLD TIMER Songs being played that had uplifting senses of fight for what you want and to be patient and to have faith in the other and Trust....

jeeze almighty

got the message?

I worry so about the kids and my family of late. Then again I also require a lot of seperation at Spring and Fall seasons. I really love being active and outdoors.

I am trying to behave and take care of myself...but I need time to process a lot of head floss.

AMANDA:...I will not be driving anywhere. ;) I promise.

JASON: I am so pleased with your progress and attitudes.

CHANDRA: Blessings Be my littlest princess.

I am ONLY writing dear ones.

Jackie: Baby Sis I am so sorry about Natosha Lee. I have pictures to share of her.

Annavee: Hey Seesteeerr! I do think of you often, I just don't slow down well.

Momma and Michael, Daddy and MaryLou:

I AM FINE. I PROMISE=)

I need to find a different way of expressing and I am not happy at the mosaic art tables right now. I need sunlight.I need the trees and the wind.

GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!!!

[I actually have a wave file of Marty's voice saying this. He left it for my 'mail call' on the PC so I wouldn't miss him nagging me :) ]

Sera 'n dippity

My bike. Sera n Dippity **and you guess who belongs to which part of the name :) **
I really miss riding my bike. I think it is time to SLOWLY get out there and start riding again. Gentle rides at first. Serene and complete. That's the Sera part talking.
'n Dippity says" sheeet.... talk about FUN on the dips and catching air!"

I originally named her Serendipity because I needed the perspectives of where I was at the time. Mike (aka Lefty) came up with the recognition of what it was "REALLY all about" and provided the name plate for me with his PTouch. I thought it was fantastic to have the parody visible for all to ponder on. Henceforth: Sera 'n Dippity

I write today because I am really a bit concerned about my mental attitude recently. Old habits seem to be appearing and I am almost unknowingly acting out and then getting to review what I forgot about my life lessons so far. Fudgettes and Hrumps.

I will be talking to the psychologist on Monday. Think I need to be on some type of the antidepressants again and hopefully a smaller dose. The other dosage I was taking was not allowing for my expressing deep emotions. All were a "flat line" type.
Maybe I like roller coaster rides to much.
I remember describing that in an NA meeting long ago. 1995. I said I was tired of the emotional roller coaster ride. That I was looking forward to the easy rolling hills.

Until I could not cry when needing to.
It has built up a different type of stress recently and I am observing in retrospect that acting out has become a reaction/response. Sounds like I am describing a child at times. Feels like childish behavior. Forgetting my responsibilities and wanting to just drive. Anywhere.

The bike for me is a better solution to taking off driving. Need to start carrying her in the back of my truck. I am told to take it really easy for a bit by the doctor however. We all know how well I listen at times.
=)

I can't stand being still. I get into mental trouble. I get stubborn and start acting childish. I hate that part of my character, it shows to me that I am still dealing with fears.

I know that the first step is the thought of what you want to experience. I know that I do not wish to experience again a feeling of betrayal.
To myself
To those I love
To those I once knew

Right now it is a bit hard to see myself and know that there are changes quickly coming. I need my independence back and the feelings I get when I ride are just that.

It is me
my bike
and the trail I choose to ride upon.

Storms and winds

I know that the weather causes concern for many.
I like the ferocity of storms. They used to scare me.

Now they hold fascination of noticing CHANGE
that is lightening fast. High energy. Enlightening and at the same time destructive.
Ever changing weather.

That is the same as life.

I haven't spoken much about my life of late. Been busy figuring out where it belongs in my memories.
Nothing bad... just finding a way to catalog my thoughts.
there is this man that has hit my heart and soul.

We have known each other for quite a while now.
He is a friend and a lover... a calming companion as well as a enthusiastic playmate.
I have a few people that know about his existence but I do not want to expose him to all I know until I am secure in where this is going.
I am tired of building hope and having it disappear.
I had given up thinking that there was a companion for me to share my life with.
SO very few of my friends know that I am seeing someone rather intensely. My children don't understand why I 'disappear' and cannot be reached by phone.

It is lightening my dears.

Lots of interesting changes are occurring in my life.

I am having to learn to deal with my emotions.
No medications.
It is different waking up 'non foggy'.

Other things occurring... the home is settled well. It really is a nice home. Comfortable. We all three fit well here.

I need to get a move on. I wanted to write about the storms today. They were fascinating to watch across my windows.

Just like my life is.
Constant Change