and SPECIAL feelings arise....

Tonight...my grandson Zephyr the marvelous wonder said

"Bye bye Grannie"
He blew me kisses over the webcam and told me that wonderful statement.
Amanda says that is the first time he has said that.
I wish I had been recording it :)

I think my heart is gonna melt.

=D

occasional self doubt

Ever feel like you chose the wrong career, relationship, and possibly the wrong life?

When self doubt hits I find I totally withdraw.

Okay, I know a lot of stuff. Mental capacity is very good and active.
I am not that talkative normally.
Spiritually I question why I insist on learning over and over that no one sees occurrences the way I do. Nor do many look further inside to see the future for themselves or others.
Just remember that to see the future means you do not get to skip the in between emotions.

I really am not sure where I am at this moment. I woke with the words coming out of my mouth "get out of my head Dan. YOU were not invited"
Now that is a weird way to wake up.

I am not sure I really know what is best for me in a job. I like technology because it makes my mind work. Search, repair, digest, grow, and requires logical function. (Yes I can be very logical)

It does not however make me feel happy, giving, laughter filled, and thankful for being human.
My other work is what I adore. Massage heals. Not only does it help others but it helps me. HUMAN contact.
I miss hearing that someone feels good around me.

I have sat alone thinking for over a month. I have gone and visited a few people.
I am not even sure that I am wanted in any place.
It used to be the commotion of people around me was entertaining. I watch many that are lost now.

There is a balance in spiritual living where you understand that all are not lost but only searching a way to find their value.
Why is it that the human is so ego centric that they forget the reality of emotional pain sometimes needs to be listened to? I don't really need to be heard as words have been released and sent the way of smoke and prayers (I guess that is the best descriptive word I know of at the moment).

There was comfort in a few true friends being around. Yes distance does not mean you are not there for my need of communication, but it is less satisfying to my physical reality.
There is sadness that it was a liar that I fell into. I fell into lying to myself that it was real.
THAT really upsets me.

Yeah, future sight does not mean you get to see for yourself in all things.
I am still processing my choices in life. One reason I am physically here.

I just wish I felt the confidence again at this moment.
I have a good job. I worry that I am not smart enough though at the moment.
Frustrations tend to cause me self doubt.

I don't look forward to spending the rest of my life living alone.
Sorry guys, I don't like it.
I prefer to live around and with others in my home.
Yeah there may be differences and issues... but there are others there to talk to me instead of always being in my head. I think the silence is worse and I am forcing it on myself daily of late.

I can and do pay all of my bills. BY MY OWN SELF.
I am self sufficient but I really dislike being in a house by myself.

and no...a dog does not count.

there isn't much to say

Life is about learning and caring
Sometimes the hardest thing (or for me at least) is to let you go onto your own path.
Not that I see things more clearly.
I just see the potentials of the future in odder moments. There are always more choices.

Potential is not what is the reality but what could be a reality. Choices.

I kissed an old friend last night and it was nice.

Remember kissing many.
I want to find one that kisses my heart.

I am not ready to be in any relationship that involves my heart again (except for my family) but I know eventually I may do that.

silly woman....
Tricks are for kids.

Life is supposed to be fun and I wonder sometimes why I fear it. Why do I think I have to be alone so much.

I miss talking and laughter.
I miss cuddles even more.

a funny ....

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The stewardess responded to the little boy, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then,' the flight attend replied, 'tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you!

not only stormy weather...

but family health

My Step dad, Michael, had a heart attack yesterday. He was flown into Dallas by Care Flight.
I was informed by my niece that he is okay. This morning I talked to Amanda and she informed me he had surgery last night. 2 blocked arteries (90%) and the surgery went really well.

My niece is the "key" this time.
Amanda is right, Chandra is a LOT like her momma :)
WONDERFUL attribute I think.

Jason called me last night and it was WAY COOL to hear about his studies and his grades. The kid is, has, always will be, one that helps those that have a hard time understanding things.
Used to watch him do that all through his school years. He quietly divulged information and then was SO PROUD to be recognized for it. He is rather intelligent if at times a little distant. He is emotional at times....

and I would not want him to change a bit! I love Jason just the way he is. Always have. I remember long cuddles and talks with him. He was, and still is, gentle.

My Step dad, Michael (who is affectionately know as "god" - as in Good Ole Dad) will have a time with Momma I am sure. She can be really strong when needed...but her emotions will be touchy for a while.
HEY
Maybe they will eat better ;) Momma still does all the cooking for them. A very old fashioned wife. I think that they will be just fine.

Momma sounds good on the phone so I am not worried :)
She just talked to me and I am PLEASED to hear her voice.
Good news from the doctors and he will be getting to go home on Monday afternoon.

Amanda and Jordan are in town this weekend with Zephyr. They have very close friends moving to Taos, NM this weekend.
Today we were to all meet up at my sister Jacque's home for a family gathering. Includes Steve and Toni! I think that is AWESOME!!!!!
Even though we divorced...I never meant for him NOT to be in with the family. There were a lot of years and the kids.... and I know Steve was missed. He loves Toni and that (if it were the only thing) makes her valuable. Besides the "in common" people are:
Amanda, Jason, and Zephyr ...of course this includes Jordan :)

MY family is still HIS family, too. I am pleased that we have both grown.
It is hard sometimes when memory comes along and then I view events as they are now.
It's all good.


I wish my Momma and Step dad could be there.....but totally understandable :)
Healing from heart surgery takes precedence.
I wish I had listened to my inner voice about going out last weekend when I had Zephyr with me. But the baby really was tired and I did what was best. Beside...Michael will be here for a while longer I bet :)

It's an interesting perspective when you realize that family is more precious. When you talk to them regularly it doesn't become "invasive feeling" like it used to when so very young.

Did you know that I LOVE the rain and the storms?
It is amazing to watch it all happen and to smell the rain.

I feel clean.

I feel at peace today.

gak

gawd....

tummy upset again!

Guess the intestinal virus is gonna have its way with me yet!
Home today after 1 PM and I am BORED. Can't concentrate long enough to work on line...or do anything!
Jamba looks worried.
I feel worried.
gak gak akgkga

there much better.

I hope it isn't contagious to animals :|
Jamba will be so upset by the time I get home from work if it is... he hates having "issues" in his kennel.

Rain is nice :)
I know it can be overloaded on our cities...but ya know what? It wasn't a HUGE thing before TV... it happens in nature... it is part of life.

I am doing well at the job :) I really like the place.
Unfortunate my manager has to learn that when I don't feel good my sense of humor goes completely away.
I warned everyone today I did not feel good and wanted them to stay as far as they could from me.

I wonder how my son is doing in Orlando? I have not been able to catch him of late either. :)
He told me the other day he was busy STUDYING!!! :)
So nice to hear :)
he is in college by his own means! Not many kids do that these days.
Amanda is well and so is Jordan... of almost 4 years marriage soon.
:) (Oct 3)
Zephyr is getting bigger and more talkative!
hehehe, serves Amanda right...but I worry for Jordan and his ears ;)

I am starting to have a decent interactive relationship with Stephen and Toni. I really hope that they get more comfortable with me just being me.
Momma is doing well My stepdad is out of his job. :(
I heard that my Dad and stepmother got a Prius :) to travel the country in instead of the tour bus :)
otherwise..my sisters are in Wylie and doing well.

Maybe I need to buy a house again.....stir things up a bit :)

Zephyr amoungst us

how awesome it is to get to watch you sleep

I thank you, Amanda and Jordan, for allowing me to bring Zephyr up to Dallas last Monday.
I know Steve and Toni enjoyed the time with him. A lot of compliments that he is SO good.... and yes he is! I am also amazed at his behavior and social skills :)

He was a delight to get on Friday night. I learned that he can open up containers of yogurt rather easily :0

He did really well putting up with getting to bed a little late on Friday night. Darn it all! I tried but HAD to get milk for him to have in the morning :)
Saturday he woke with giggles and talking up a storm to Jambalaya. Jambalaya LOVES having Z around. Z can run rather well after him through the apartment and loves to hug him and pet him. Tossing toys for the puppy to bring back to his eager hands. Zephyr doesn't like his face and fingers licked though. He giggles when Jambalaya is kissing his feet :)

Later Saturday morning we went back to the store to get some food items for me...and new shoes that blink and a musical instrument barrage for you to enjoy at your home :) Zephyr did really well at learning to blow the harmonica. He had a blast with the real drum and drumsticks. The tambourine isn't there yet...soon enough I am sure. The maracas at least are small enough to be rather quiet (and they are great for using on the tambourine).
We played with the car track set from Gammy and Papa. The hot wheels did not come out since I was concerned that Jamba would try to eat one. The aquadoodle was a little big among all the other stuff so it sat in it's box, too.
We went and swam after his nap and discovered MANY airplanes flying over our heads from the nearby airport. Cavanaugh Air Museum was doing a lot of flying yesterday and they moved close enough to the ground for great visual entertainment and lots of "oohhh WOW" moments.
then there were long walks with the puppy and Grannie learning to use the stroller cause Zephyr's legs get tired at trying to run so much!
Visiting the neighbor next to Grannie, his name is Rich, and jumping off of the porch into grass to roll around in. Zephyr had a lot of fun showing rich how to dance to the fantastic blues music he was playing rather nice and loud :)
Another long walk with Jambalaya at night. We also learned how to "click our heels" to light up our path with flashing shoes.
Our bath time was not so fun as he didn't like me taking the cup away to rinse his hair. Found out he likes pouring the water over his head by ALL by himself! We even talked to Auntie Chandra for a bit and showed her the new music we could make.



I know the video is a bit jerky.... but Zephyr moves like the wind! (smirk)
He also likes to kiss the video camera when trying to kiss Auntie Chandra =D
~~~
A little restless in his dreams Saturday night. He tossed, turned and talked in his sleep. Worried poor Jambalaya a bit as the puppy whistled his concern a few times.
Never have heard Jambalaya do that before :)

I think Zephyr was beginning to miss his normal routines of Momma and Daddy.
Missed his stars at night I noticed, too. He keep pointing to the ceiling saying "ON".

Sunday morning he woke up at 7 and with a HUGE "HI" that made me laugh out loud. We had breakfast on Grannie's porch while the puppy was on his long metal lead. Z had fun shrieking at Jamba as he chased him until Grannie goes "sshhhh" then we were more quiet. :)
Next thing, Jamba started barking and Zephyr looked at him, very seriously, and went "sshhh".

A little fussy this morning and I then decided to watch another movie. Lion King had Z talking a lot! He likes the lion's roar. He was beginning to start to nap again when.....
Excitement!
Momma came through the door!
We got to tell her of saying "Tigger" but he would not repeat it for her to loudly as we had more things on our minds at this time.
Grannie had most things ready...except for the bed... and a few toys that were waiting for entertainment value.
The travel bed is gonna stay here so it can be ready for the next visit to the Grandparents that live so far away from his home.
We got to load up the car and watch Grannie try not to cry (cause Zephyr started crying when Grannie was saying goodbye) as Momma was signing "I Love You" out the window.

Wow...Grannie still bites her lip like a little girl in trouble when trying not to cry.

A wonderful call from Momma so that Grannie knows she is loved as the family drives off to go back to normal life. I am sure Daddy will be thrilled that his son is still alive and well...and has new instruments to jam along with him while Jordan is playing music.


IT WAS A WONDERFUL THING TO GET TO TRAVEL WITH THE Z-MAN
He made a long car trip home very fun with all of his songs, talk, and "Ooohhh WOW!" sounds.

Even spitting in my truck was entertaining. The inside needed a bath anyway.

Thank you Amanda and Jordan for letting me bring him up to Dallas.
I know that he is as precious to you both. Just as you both were to the grandparents when we allowed you to go on trips with. So very long ago.

I greatly enjoyed getting to watch him sleep. I loved watching movies with him and listening to him talk about what he saw. He does say a lot of words...just in a rush to get them all out at once.
If you repeat them correctly...you get a big "YEAH!".

By the way.... what EXACTLY does "Doo das" mean?
He laughs a lot on the word :) Bending over and laughing with his mouth open.

Oh yeah... Rich was amazed at how smart he is for 20 months. So much into the telling him of "how it is" while music is playing. Rich said he would learn how to dance like Zephyr does so he can join in on the fun.
There were MANY compliments on Zephyr's behavior from my neighbors. Many amazed looks at him only being 20 months old. They thought he acted older :)

You have done a wonderful job, Jordan, at being his center of the world for now.
Amanda..his excitement at seeing you was wonderful!

I love you all and greatly treasured the time to have him


"all by myself"

best of luck to you

"I want someone who truly loves me and understands me and I AM willing to wait for that."



I hope that the person who wrote that understands they have to love themselves first.
Otherwise...nothing of value will come out of their life to be able to give to another.

It's been a very hard lesson to learn to let them go because they cannot grow with someone who does love them and understands them. Deeply.

best of luck to you


I hope you find yourself


Please note that that quote is from another person's blog. I don't really care to divest major wisdom on them...LOL as IF I had any.
I know that I went through a LOT of work with psychologist and psychiatry to get where I am today.
To have a Psychologist look at you and ask "WHY are you on medications?" was a wake up notation that I had managed to balance me.
I can actually deal with the emotions ... it may not be what I want to do..but I can understand where they are coming from. I understand to VALUE myself and my feelings.

No one else will.

There are so many different things that happen lately that it is "heavy" and sometimes I would rather just work. That is non emotional (most the time) and it is mental configurations of lessons that require deep thought processes to grasp where every piece fits together to make a product run.

It distracts me from emotions.

I have met a guy in my building. I find myself extra wary of getting to start the process of knowing someone again.
He seems nice enough.
He talks well.

He has a way of telling me EACH TIME that if we are gonna get to know each other then we will do so slowly. Meet up a few times and talk at breaks...then maybe a date.
He is 44
"appears to have his head on his shoulders" as far as I know.
Yeah he is correct in stating that IF he was a dangerous sort...he would have the patience to wait 6 or 9 months till I started trusting him. Then he could be evil.

Does ANYONE else hear warning bells?
Am I being paranoid? Or do I not trust so much after Dan that I am unwilling to even try letting someone in again?

I think it is the reaction I have had because of my involvement with Dan.

Why do I think that I can deal with another one?

I don't.

I told a girl I know today that I am fine with me and my family, and of course, my dog.
It will be interesting to see if Rick will be entertaining to my mind..or will I continue to have this "thing" floating around in my brain of: Men who want to date me or really understand me are crazy and I need out.

Maybe I never will have a level of trust again to just be myself with someone like I did with Dan.
I don't really even want to think on it.
So why do I freaking keep coming back to it?
Who Am I trying to convince?

I think I am trying to convince me of something I don't feel.

Hard to realize that because I can love someone..that it isn't that the someone that has to live in my life.

I think that I really did a dis-service to Stephen, too. I never could let him into my head completely.
I did with Leslie, but he only got hurt by me.

I think this life is supposed to always have the want but no satisfaction of receiving for me.

Sometimes that is the only way I can balance how I feel.
One reason I think I can deal with living on a mountain or far away from others.
There is not that pain associated with loving so much that I deny myself the realization that I deserve ....deserve what?

Just anything.

I remember so many times of my Dad telling me I never thought about things (god was HE wrong) and that I didn't have the intelligence to attend college. I still have not forgiven him for those words.
I don't think I need to either.

All in all my feelings are not for ANYONE elses evaluation because they are MINE MINE MINE

Even when I get selfish on something...it is because I want to be HEARD and not judged for having an emotional response. I want to work through it...but I don't really have many to talk to about it. Sometimes I get tired of talking to Momma over the same "thinkings" and to my sisters cause they have things occuring for them too.

Sometimes I want to disappear and not worry about thinking anymore. Then I get the feeling that my grandson doesn't even KNOW me yet. He smiles and laughs with me though. He can play. He WANTS to just play and try to talk to me... I like watching him trying to figure things out. Just like when my kids were tiny. It amazed me to watch them "think" and interpert the world around them. How many times Amanda used her finger like an elephant trunk.
How many times Jason would look at something and just smile and gently touch it.
Then he would squeeze things to see what would happen and sometimes cry when it broke.... what ever IT was. Amanda was gingerly cautious in her "checking things out" approach mostly because she hated getting dirty. ALWAYS. Stephen bopped her butt which caused her to tump into her first birthday cake and she was like "What the heck is THAT doing on my hand!" Then she cried a little and then still used one finger to taste.
Okay...maybe she wasn't feeling good... but she was not in control of her approach. :) see what I mean?

I would watch their eyes as they started understanding things

I want to see that in Zephyr too.

I don't enjoy being so far from him and so limited in exposure time with him to just play.
A child accepts the world and it's "things" just as they are presented to them. It is only through learning others processes that opinions are formed (I think). I could be wrong.

I never did figure out why Amanda insisted on spitting out smooshed peas...but would eat the crunchy peas as long as they were not over cooked at ALL.
they still ended up smooshed in her mouth :)

Jason always wanted to get dirty. Kinda hard to tell him NOT to eat everthing though :)
He would run and run and run... and smell like a wet puppy...and sleep so peacefully.

I think I want to PLAY more in life and not worry about feeling it.

yeah

that is what I want.

best of luck to me in finding it.

I know I rambled tonight. But this is what I THINK and how the process goes. I am not pointing fingers at ANYONE. Just realizing the fact that IF I cannot value how I FEEL then no one else will either.
I tend to keep WAY TOO QUIET when I should not.

Did you know Amanda that I still like to watch you sleep because of the way your dreams cross your face? I did that with you and your brother when you were small.
I wanted to with Zephyr....but you guys came home early from your date. No time to let me watch.

But I would not have traded the time with you for ANYTHING