My little Run-a-way

Nasty habit of wanting distance when I can't make sense of my emotions.

I have a boyfriend. HE said it first. HE describes himself as MY boyfriend. Do you know how weird that is? A good weird but it is something I have not claimed in a while. He started out as a friend. I have no clue where this is gonna go. It 'just is' right now and I accept the timing.

I sound a bit emotionally distant even to myself. A friend called me manic. Another one called me over emotional. That worries me.
I do not really talk about all that is occuring, I try to divert attention to others, I can get through it all eventually.

Too much is emotional at times. I am learning to deal with it though.
I don't really think I am dealing well with it at all.
Emotions
supposed to be a part of your life to really enjoy your living


This is one of the reasons that I got off of the antideppressants. I need to learn how to feel again.
The meds helped a lot in geting past the suicidal wish of 4 years ago. Damn near made it that time :)
Thank you, Nona. Again you directed me well. I do miss you. I do not think you would like me now.

Too confused.

Why is it that confusion makes me distance from everyone?
to mentally hurt myself and degrade myself
to keep myself from deserving?
from wanting?
have NO FUCKING IDEA
all I know is I want to run from pain...from the mental anguish of tryingto figure out where the hell this emotion belongs in my life.

maybe i need to be on the anti's again. I don't want them though
i am tired of being physically limited.