Drama.... Say it while waving hands in the air

I stay to freaking much in my head
over analyze and debate on the 'proper way' to deal with an overflow of emotions.
yes....I did talk with the psychologist. She wants me back on the antidepressants. I disagree.
so there.

I have a mental image of myself right now that is scary. I use the blog to write out frustrations, hopes, and joys.
to announce great news of joy.
sometimes just so that my kids know where I am at.

a dear friend has told me before that I am way to hard on myself.
I guess so. Fortunately I would rather destroy myself than give another man a chance to do it.

sorry for all I put my family through.

learning HOW to categorize and masticize my inner conflicts and seeing the levels of unworthiness I feel about myself are hard.

I must still be broken.

don't worry Amanda...I promise not to influence the babies. Or I will try not to at least. ;) well maybe a little.

I have been riding my bike again. The feel of the trees and the sounds of the leaves as you go through the paths of trails.....The feel of drawing in a breath and looking ahead for the next bend or dip. Marty and I rode at a park we had not been to in a year. It is an easy trail but has good technical twists at the beginning.
looking forward to when I can ride quickly through them again. Need more practice.

I have been getting back to massages since the doc says it is okay now. Chest is feeling pretty good. I have attempted to climb some...Not successfully but it will take some time to get the tendons and facia to behave. It is much better though.

I may get to have complete weekends off soon. I hope so. It has been a year since I worked Monday's through Friday's. Schedule changes:)

while the drama is going in on my head please realize that I am not going to be physically available for much visiting.

unless my children need me.

I will be biking on Mondays and Wednesdays after work. LB Houston is close to the offices and I get off at a decent time. a few hours each night is good.
climbing is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sure hope the office gets Marty on a day schedule soon. I miss him hanging out and climbing.
Fridays, Saturdays...Massage clients (while I am still not working on Fridays)

Tracy is doing a fantastic job on the mosaic tables at absinthe lounge.
I do not need to be there anymore. She is a really fantastic artist and can bring to life the vision of the tables.

all in all...It is time to be self sufficient again. Independent.

look at me! I can do it 'all by myself'

it's lonely though in the heart.